How Resilient Are You?

I’m officially in remission for a month now but have still been feeling really tired. I keep wondering what it will take to address this fatigue and just how much longer I’ll be struggling. I look so forward to the days where I don’t need to have an afternoon nap to survive as it really does take time out of the day. I’d love to do yoga a few times a week and be relaxed about going out more than once a day.

I’ve finished reading the book The Resilience Factor and I found it to be really helpful. In the design of a happy life, resilience is really vital. No-one can have a life without adversities, and it’s how we handle them that defines our happiness. The book provides a range of strategies to combat flawed thinking and poor responses when things go wrong. I found it to be really practical and powerful in helping to manage life’s blows, although I cannot say that I have mastered all the skills.

The book states “First you must become aware of the kind of person you are, and that means examining your deep beliefs and values about yourself, your world, and your place in it.” The authors urge us to identify the thinking patterns that are holding us back and to challenge our limiting beliefs.

As I’ve mentioned before, in designing a happy life and pursuing your passion, it is imperative that you know yourself first. Knowing yourself in this book’s context is about how you think and getting to understand your beliefs. By listening to the narrator in your head during adversities, you can uncover why you are reacting the way you are, and challenge beliefs in order to have a more appropriate response. Examples of how we think is whether we attribute problems to ourselves or to others and whether we feel that the issue affects everything in our lives and will always be there. How much control we feel we have over the problem plays a role, as does our level of optimism and our ability to accurately assess the situation. Resilient people are able to derive meaning from failure and feel empowered to take action.

Some of our beliefs are well-known to us but many are deep-rooted and difficult to uncover. Some of the self-development work I have been doing lately involves challenging beliefs that do not serve me. There are a few healing modalities such as Theta Healing® that help you to uncover these beliefs and even replace them with more constructive ones. As I’ve mentioned in previous blogs, the negative self-talk and our inner critic can be really harmful and needs to be addressed if you want a happy life.  

The person who has helped me the most in my healing journey has to be Meryl. She is skilled in a variety of healing modalities that appear quite complex to me. I must confess that I am confused about all the modalities that she practices but this time we worked on limiting beliefs, those that lurk far beneath the surface and that are affecting my energy levels.

The relief that I felt and still feel after visiting Meryl is nothing short of magical. In a one hour session she seems to have lifted a great burden and I feel far less fatigued. I must admit that if anyone said this kind of thing to me I’d probably roll my eyes and think them a little loopy. But nevertheless, that was my experience. I am yet to fully understand what she does and I’d love to write a blog post on it to give you more details but that will be for another time.

Boosting our resilience through challenging limiting beliefs remains a powerful method of personal growth, regardless of the method used. Since our beliefs govern our behaviours which can have dramatic impacts on our relationships, it’s worth knowing under what context we are acting. Knowing yourself allows you to be better equipped to handle life’s challenges and to manage the stress before it becomes serious.

Do you understand your thinking style? Do you tend to jump to conclusions in your thinking, or to mind read? What beliefs are holding you back from being the best you can be? What are the beliefs costing you and are you prepared to challenge them?

Healing Series Part 1: Body Stress Release

In this healing series, I’ll explain the various healing practices that I’ve experienced and what I gained from them. I truly believe that in taking an active role in healing myself that I have sped up my recovery. Today’s topic is called Body Stress Release, or BSR for short.

Even before I became ill I met a wonderful lady called Lourentia at a business networking breakfast. I have since abandoned the networking breakfasts but it was a real blessing to meet such a quality person. I have been going to her sporadically for many years and at stressful times, ironically, I scaled back on the visits. After my diagnosis of my stress-induced auto-immune disease, I started going for BSR again.

Lourentia asks me each time where I feel discomfort or pain in my body. In the past I’d have aches and pains due to running injuries or stiffness. Since my diagnosis, I usually just feel tired, and not surprisingly have a lot of tension in my neck and shoulders. So I tell her all the areas that ail me so that she knows where to focus her efforts.

I take off only my shoes and then lie face down on a treatment table, much like the ones used for massage. I can breathe through the hole in the table my feet must dangle off the edge of the table. Lourentia then begins her treatment by putting her hands onto my back. She gets a feel of where the body needs work and goes ahead with the treatment. You are required to turn onto your back midway during the treatment in order to access all parts of the body. 

Just as the name suggests, the premise of BSR is to release, by small touches to pressure points, the stress that is trapped in various parts of the body. The practitioner tests for stress in many areas of the body and then works to release it. They use the feet as a means to monitor the effects of what they implement. I feel sensations in my body as Lourentia performs the releases, almost like a little ripple of something travelling up my spine or down my legs. Sometimes the pressure needs to be quite hard and the points can be quite tender but overall it is a very pleasant experience and something that has helped me a great deal.

Being an ultra-marathon runner I have a strong belief in the mind-body connection as it is very clear that your mind tides you through the end of a tough race. This connection has been even more evident to me this year as I’ve understood how stress has caused my body to turn on itself. Thankfully I am in remission now and the feedback from Lourentia also points to a much greater recovery since last year.

There are many ways in which BSR can help improve your overall health such as better posture, released tension in the neck, shoulders and back and even things like sinus. There are no side effects and it is a non-invasive treatment. I have benefited from BSR in treating a variety of ailments but in current times, to diminish the stress held in my body, particularly neck and shoulders. It must be said that with the many healing experiences I'm undergoing, it's difficult to attribute improvement to one discipline but overall, my sinus is not nearly as bad as it usually is during winter and my immune system is getting stronger. 

If you are interested, you can read more about Body Stress Release here: http://www.bodystressrelease.com/home/3

Despair

I have always judged people who run away from their families harshly. But not anymore. I understand why people run away from their children. I too, feel that despair today. The childcare is completely relentless. As a person struggling with illness, it doesn’t take away their need for love, attention, food, fun etc. It never gets easier, it’s a never-ending struggle and you completely lose sight of yourself. Between the lunches, the demands of the teachers, homework and relentless feeding, pouring juice, wiping bottoms, there is nothing left for me. I don’t have the strength to care for myself, let alone these kids.

I have felt that I really wished to be hospitalised with this illness. Even for three days, just to have someone feed me and care for me and to let me read and sleep. I’m the only one around me who seems to understand that it’s pretty serious. I’m the only one who can feel my exhaustion and know how much strength it takes to get out of bed and out into the cold to take a child to school. As much as your loved ones say they care, compassion runs out at some point. People get sick of helping the one who has always been so capable. Well, just so you know, I’m sick of it too. I’m sick of feeling tired and having headaches and struggling to do the things normal people do. I’m sick of asking for help and compassion. I’m sick of it all but I don’t get to escape this fatigue.

The exhaustion makes me ratty and I end up shouting at the kids. Then I feel guilty for being a bad parent and yelling at them all the time. But I just can’t seem to see a way out.I can't go out to escape them because I'm really exhausted most of the time and going out makes me even more tired. But they are here, all the time, wanting things from me. Even when I have a nap, I feel obliged to get up after an hour or so because they might be starving, or without toilet paper or cold or lonely. The feeling that their 24 hour care is on your shoulders entirely is a great responsibility and there is no respite. That in itself is exhausting. Just to have to be the responsible one all the time. 

I love my children too much to run away from them. But I’m really exhausted. Weekends are hard. Today I feel that it is hopeless for me to have any dreams at all. How can I aspire to be anything and to follow my destiny when I’m so exhausted from just parenting? I can’t follow my life passion because I’m too busy just keeping them alive. At times I wish I had no ambition. I wish I was born being content to do the lowliest of jobs and to merely exist. Then I wouldn’t feel this despair of not being able to follow my dreams.

So what should I choose? Neglect the kids and get myself well so that I can have some future to look forward to? Or care for them and take months or years to recover fully? It wont do them a lot of good to have a mother devoid of hope. If anyone has any advice or solutions, let me know. 

Alternative Medicine – Homeopathy

I had always been quite suspicious about alternative healing practices and practitioners until 2012. I was the mother of a three month old baby and as expected was sleep-deprived and pretty stressed. Labour law in our country specifies that mothers are entitled to four months of maternity leave, paid or unpaid. I was working in our ‘family’ business at that time and as a business owner, there’s really no such thing as maternity leave. I recall having meetings at my house feeling so frazzled that it was difficult to concentrate. I had to issue instructions from my home office and keep up to pace with client requests and insubordination from a staff member who challenged my decisions to modernise the business.

After three months, I went back to work, despite being highly emotional about leaving my tiny baby at a preschool. I elected to work half days for the first two weeks so that I could manage with the discomfort of feeding and to ensure my baby adjusted to the new routine. On 1 February 2012, my first full day back at work, I had a cold and was feeling awful. I didn’t feel justified in staying home, given the fact that customer billing was due in the first few days of the month. Mid-morning an irate family member attacked the office with a hammer and a screwdriver as a result of a marital dispute.

Being the only person of authority around, I had to confront her to try to calm the situation down and to mitigate the damage to the business. Furniture was thrown around, computers smashed, signage ripped off the front gate, pot plants tipped over and various places smashed with the hammer. When I confronted her I was verbally abused and the hammer was smashed against the wall within a metre from my head. By the wild look in her eye, I was concerned about not surviving the day or being permanently brain damaged. I thought of my little baby and how my husband would manage with our two kids in the event of my death or disability. The violence of the situation was truly a traumatic event, at a time when I was already fragile.

For the six months or so that followed the event, I had a series of colds and flu that hit me with regularity that was disturbing. I picked up every conceivable virus that came my way due to exposure from a little child at preschool and a weakened immune system. I literally had a few days in between illnesses where I was OK and then I would get sick again. I was obviously under a great deal of stress in dealing with the situation itself and the aftermath in the office.

I had regularly visited a chiropractor to assist with my minor running injuries and alignment. I went to see her for the tension in my neck and shoulders as a result of the stress. I had told her about the traumatic event that I experienced and I was telling her all about my susceptibility to colds and flu while she treated me. She suggested that I might have adrenal fatigue and recommended that I visit a homeopath.

"Adrenal fatigue is a collection of signs and symptoms, known as a syndrome, that results when the adrenal glands function below the necessary level. Most commonly associated with intense or prolonged stress."

The adrenal glands on top of the kidneys are part of the endocrine system and they secrete adrenaline as part of the body’s response to stress. This article discusses the fight or flight response: http://science.howstuffworks.com/life/inside-the-mind/emotions/fear2.htm Part of this response to stress is to shut down the immune system in order to deal with the immediate danger.

I was sceptical about homeopathy but interested in her evaluation of my health and how she could treat me. She felt my pulse and looked at my tongue, punctuated with writing a few strange symbols on her notepad. She confirmed that I had adrenal fatigue and provided me with medication to treat it. I spent months treating the condition and slowly started to improve enough to resume running.

I had been to my standard doctor many times and the treatment for each cold focussed on only the one incidence and merely on the symptoms, not the underlying cause. As much as I think western medicine is important and cannot be abandoned, I had discovered a solution and was being treated holistically for the first time.It is no surprise for me that a diagnosis of Graves’ disease is a malfunction of the endocrine system, also where the adrenals fall, and an auto-immune disease initiated by stress. I had been heading towards the diagnosis this year even as far back as 2012.

I’m open to new experiences and I find them energising.  With such a serious diagnosis I have been more than willing to investigate and explore as many alternative healing practices as I can. I have found some treatments more effective for me personally than others but I believe it is a matter of what resonates with you and also what ails you. In the coming weeks I’ll be doing a series on healing practices to share my experiences.

Particularly for the sceptics, you may get a kick out of this fun clip poking fun at homeopathy.  

Finding Homeostasis

So what does it mean to be officially in remission from Graves’ disease? It is my feeling that I have made great progress from the worst I felt during October and November last year until now. In only four months of medication, I have reached a stage where my body confirms my recovery. It is clear to me that I did not get to this state with only the medication. I have applied myself with my usual focus and discipline in ensuring that my health is restored. I made use of my self-care roster to force myself to sleep and meditate and I indulged in a multitude of alternative healing practices. I also had a lot of people praying for me. Mind, body and soul are now in alignment.

I am pleased with the news of being in remission but it doesn’t seem so convincing to me. Sure, I feel much better than I did last year. But I’m not completely well. I don’t have enough energy to work even for five hours at a stretch, even on activities that I enjoy. I am certainly not in a position to enter the workplace again.

My health has certainly been deteriorating for years, with a major trigger being a traumatic event in February 2012. I’ve been wondering about the point at which I started to tip over the classification of being ‘sick’. Homeostasis is defined to be:

the tendency of a system, especially the physiological system of higher animals, to maintain internal stability, owing to the coordinated response of its parts to any situation or stimulus that would tend to disturb its normal  condition or function.

So when will my system be back to its ‘normal condition or function’? I’ve started measuring how many hours a day I can work as my own measure.  My definition of being fully functional will be when I can work for seven hours a day and be able to enjoy my children and fit in some exercise. That will be my metric because the medical fraternity will certainly not be able to give me a time or any other measure.

I know that I still need my afternoon naps, even though they rob me of some productive hours. I know that it’s not the time for me to resume running. I’m doing yoga at the moment which I’m really enjoying. It is both healing and challenging so it suits my needs of recovery and to strive for perfection.

I do feel as though I’m entering a new phase of recovery now. My health is coming right and although I still need to take care, I’d like to shift my focus to my future. According to my thinking, I have been exceedingly patient in allowing myself to recover and to not worry too much about my future career. We all know that my passion is writing but I have not yet made any concrete plans as to how my career will look going forward. It frightens me to not know, but at least I am sure of what I do know: cubicles will be the death of me.

I have found a wonderful coach who also practices healing. I’m certain that she will be a key part of the next phase of recovery for me. I’m hoping she can help guide me in the direction I’d like to go, helping me to define my path and create an income stream out of what I love to do. One of the current challenges for me is to understand that no income does not mean no value. I have an ingrained belief that I need to be a contributing member of society to be valuable. How I measure that value now needs to change.

"When you are content to be simply yourself and don't compare or compete,
everybody will respect you." ~ Lao Tzu

Dig a Little Deeper

As a mother of small children, I watch a lot of animated movies. Have you seen the movie The Princess and The Frog? The main character, Tiana, is a hard working woman who has a constant need to prove herself. She gets transformed into a frog along with a frivolous prince and they embark on an adventure in the bayou in order to become human again.  Along the way, they both learn a valuable lesson about what they truly need and how it differs from what they want.

The little frogs encounter Mama Odie, a voodoo priestess, who guides them towards their destinies. She sings a gorgeous song about getting what you need instead of what you want. During the song the prince realises that he needs Tiana but Tiana doesn’t have any revelations. At the end of the song, she thinks the message was to dig a little deeper into her reserves and work even harder towards her goals. I got a flashback of the song and the scene where Tiana just doesn’t get it. What prompted the flashback was reading some of my goals towards the end of last year. My health had been deteriorating for months, with mainly symptoms of fatigue and headaches. I thought the problem was motivation and I thought if I could just set the right targets, I’d get there.

My revelation over the past few months has been that my days need more writing in them. And yet I’ve let my inner critic bully me into believing that my book is rubbish and that no-one will want to read it. I think I’ve been procrastinating by arranging too many social outings and not only has it tired me out, but it has also distracted me from making progress on the work. My idol, Elizabeth Gilbert, has often mentioned that quality is not our responsibility; we just have to show up and do the work. As I’ve mentioned, I’m working through the creative recovery program in the book the Artist’s Way. The book has taught me that showing up is the most important thing I can do, even in the face of negative feedback and the Wet Blankets who will try to squash my dream. 

So perhaps my lesson from the past few weeks, feeling that my health is slipping backwards after all these months, is now clear: DO MORE WRITING. This morning I spent about ninety minutes on my book and it felt great. The quality cannot be guaranteed yet but that’s not my focus. Right now, it’s my job to show up and write. For hours if I can. And how do I feel? Great! I want to feel like this every day and this thought has made me more resolved to finish this book. 

I saw my doctor this morning and he confirmed that I’m now in remission officially. I have been working towards this point for a long time and I have been worrying about my health and my constraints a lot. Last week’s setback of feeling so tired and feeling like I’m losing ground was perhaps a lesson that needed to come before the remission confirmation. Maybe I needed to feel that tired again to remind me that I don’t just dive into life again full steam ahead because it won’t serve me.

So perhaps I got what I needed, and not what I thought I wanted. 

Mindfulness as a means to Reduce Suffering

As someone with a stress-induced illness, it’s clear that our thoughts affect our health. It is possible to change the quality of our thoughts to reduce the stress. It is possible, but not easy and I’m not getting it right. I have suffered a set-back in my health lately due to stress. Worrying about how my actions will affect others; thinking about how people will react to me wanting to live my life fully; worrying about how my new path defines me and what people will say about it.

You can see from the statements above is that these are all thoughts and worries about the future. Focussing on the present and where I am today is a healthier and more productive pastime. I don’t enjoy it though because it’s hard to face the reality of the state of my health. I look at others achieving their goals, doing ultra-marathons, volunteering to help others, enjoying social events and I feel so despondent. For a person who has always been goal-focussed and achievement oriented, this state of recovery is so very frustrating. I’m not achieving anything. I’ve tried to apply goal setting and structure with my self-care roster so that I feel empowered. Having a goal to recover just feels lame and a short bout of stress has knocked my progress back weeks.

It is impossible to live a life without stress. How will I survive if I can’t accommodate any stress? I’m trying to turn my energies to things that I can do at home: reading, writing and my crochet projects. At times in the past week I’ve felt too tired to read. It’s so hard to remain upbeat and focussed on recovery at times like this. I’m really tired of being sick. I want to live life fully. I want to chase my dreams. But I feel so handicapped. And I’ve had to let go of goals from the past because I know my health will not support them.

I’m reading a great book on how to boost your resilience. In doing the quizzes in the book it is evident to me that I am already a resilient person. I always try to understand the lesson in difficult life circumstances. I’ve been wondering why I’ve been given this drive to achieve and this lesson to recover. Seems a little incongruent, Universe, can you please give me a clear message? 

Maybe I’m still doing too much and I just need to learn to stay at home and just write. I’m probably not spending enough time practicing mindfulness as that seems to be the key to worrying less about the future or ruminating on the past and how I got to this poor state of health.

I’ve had my fair share of difficult experiences in life and I usually find some lessons in them.  I know that becoming sick has helped me change my path and that my life will be better ultimately. But to stay in the here and now when it’s so very limiting and frustrating, is really hard. I feel like I’m in a tiny room with no windows and I’m just trying to break out into the sunlight. Maybe this lesson is about not doing and just being. Grrr! 

“In the ash of suffering, a phoenix can be born.” ~ Thich Nhat Hanh

Two Steps Backwards

Just as I thought I was approaching being in remission, my health has been deteriorating. The reason is achingly clear to me: I was not being true to myself. It is truly amazing to me how thoughts can create such an effect on the body. I have been under a little more strain at home with my husband being away recently. But the main issue has been that I have realised I simply cannot go back to my business, even in its altered form.

I have been on a medical sabbatical for three of the agreed four months. My business is transforming into a new entity, with new people and focusing on offering services that are more aligned with my interests than the previous company was. However, it’s still not my passion. It has made me wonder if I should ever have entered the corporate world and if I should have entered the IT industry. They seem quite far from who I am now, in a few short months of being away. As much as I appreciate the shareholders rearranging and accommodating me, I simply cannot enter a business that does not energise me. And it is not fair and honest to string them along for another month once I know that it’s not my future. It’s not fair on them and it’s causing internal discord with me, resulting in stress.

Once we have acknowledged that we require meaning in our lives, there is no turning back. Once we realise that we need to be congruent with our thoughts, words, family, friends, work, leisure and decisions, we cannot go against our true self. I have read The Alchemist this week and what perfect timing for me on my journey to fulfil my destiny. Once we have that hunger for our ‘treasure’, there is simply no alternative course of action. “The boy and his heart had become friends, and neither was capable now of betraying the other.” ~ Paulo Coelho

I know that my health has been improving since last year and I have started to measure  progress by how many hours of productive work I can do per day. I’m now able to do about three hours a day of meeting or writing until I start to feel fatigued. So with such limited time available, there is no room for people or activities that drain me. If I’m spending my only precious three hours per day on something that I don’t enjoy, I will never be well. And I will never have the strength or energy for the things that I do enjoy i.e. writing.

I will completely sabotage my recovery to date if I give into the need to make money and please others. How can I write this blog about following your passion, and spend hours a day doing something I hate? It would be too incongruent and would literally make me sicker.

As I have mentioned in a previous blog, I love Gary Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages. The book discusses the concept that we all have a ‘love tank’ that starts to diminish if we are not receiving love in the way we require it. The tank eventually gets empty and that’s when relationships break down. I think this wonderful concept can be extended to our own energy tanks too. I have given so much in the past that I am completely depleted. 

The stress of the past week has caused my energy tank to be so empty that I’m cancelling social engagements. I have to stay home, care for myself and start to fill the tank.

I have decided that I simply cannot return to my business. I am sorry to let the other shareholders down but I’m really in no position to give of myself for anyone else’s benefit. I need to fill my tank and I can only do that by doing things that I enjoy, like writing and creative activities that I can do at home.

I do find this set-back enormously disappointing and it’s hard not to feel completely despondent. What makes it worse is that people cannot see it. I still have people asking me if I’m doing any exercise. Would you ask someone with Cancer if they’re doing exercise? This illness is no joke, it’s not imaginary and I’m really struggling. Do I have to roll around on the floor to make people realise just how bad it is? That sounds like too much effort for someone with an empty tank.

Nostalgia can be a Mood Booster

Yesterday I was looking for a mosaic kit to do with my six year old and I came across an old shoe box of letters. Yes, letters that were handwritten and posted with an actual stamp on the envelope. It doesn't seem like so long ago, only the 1990s when mobile phones and email were not so prevalent for us. The letters were from my time at university and I read them with great enjoyment.

The contents were from a few close friends and even some postcards from my mother. You see, I went to stay in another city for my studies. For most of my childhood I had to play the adult role, bringing peace and order to a chaotic environment. I was the mediator between all the various factions in the family. As I've mentioned previously, harmony is my top strength on the Gallup Strengths Finder. So it was quite a blessing to go away to university and to be able to have some fun. I consumed far too much alcohol and have memories of a few antics that I’d rather forget. Finally away from the tension and drama of home, I let my hair down and really relished the university life.

In the first year I had to share a room with a rather interesting roommate. She was stick thin with short dark hair and very pretty. All the boys envied me and tried to elicit details as to what she looked like without her clothes on. Her childhood was not neglectful but rather oppressive. In true student style she rebelled and was intoxicated almost every night. She partook in something called ‘bush diving’ where you fling your body into nearby bushes after taking in sufficient liquid courage. Needless to say she didn't obtain her degree and left university after a few attempts at various other degrees.

I felt no need to rebel since I was given a front door key when I was about thirteen. My brother and I spent a few Christmas holidays on our own, throwing some rather fun dinner parties on the lawn of our family home. We lost our home due to my father's company debt while I was away at university. None of my toys or possessions were kept so I have very few items to hold onto for nostalgia. I suppose that is what made reading the letters such a treat. Losing everything  helped me not to hang onto material things because they can always be replaced. It's relationships that are the key to a happy life.

Reading the letters and notes from university friends and my old school friends, I noticed how many people were thanking me for favours. I found it so wonderful how people took the time to actually write in the first place, let alone such a lovely gesture to thank me in writing. 

In recent years I've been so consumed with my troubles and my stress that I have had difficulty being a good friend. Graves’ disease has symptoms such as irritability and depression and the pure fatigue caused me to be really ratty with those in my vicinity. I'm noticing as I get better that I have the capacity to notice what is happening in the lives of others. Hopefully I can regain the ability to be a caring friend again as I sort out my health. 

The contents of the letters made me laugh at what things were important to us at age nineteen. It’s sometimes the daily routines and the small things shared that keep relationships alive. The little notes at my university residence telling me that I missed a tea party and the letters from school friends saying that they missed me. I found cards from my family and our cleaner even, who is now deceased, welcoming me home and saying how much I was missed. 

I think at school and university I used to laugh such a lot. I had a great deal of energy and had so much more fun than I do now. I often wonder if my daughter somehow extracted my fun when she was born because she seems full of life as I used to be before having children. Isn't it a pity that we lose our fun-loving side when stress and responsibility take their toll? 

I have always enjoyed small groups and one-on-one interactions. I like to have discussions on a deep level, discussing issues that bring real meaning to life. I struggle to enjoy situations where the men separate to drink beer and talk business and the women discuss child rearing and grooming. 

I think I’m getting so much better spotting the appropriate depth that I require in a friendship. I have also come to realise that when you have an experience such as a serious diagnosis, you can outgrow some relationships. Some things that seemed so important in the past have become trivial and don’t require the same focus. It is sad to have friendships dwindle but I think that as I recover I will attract a different sort of person into my life with friendships that will feed my soul more.

This weekend I was amazed to see a school friend post something on Facebook that suggested she has no hope or desire to improve her life. I find that to be frightening. For me life is more than having things just happen to me reactively while I wait to die. I know that I'm empowered to change my life for the better, despite what the wet blankets say. I'm already doing it in fact. I want the people around me to be inspiring and to push me to improve myself and enhance my happiness. More active happiness enhancing and less despair, please.

Progress and Set-Backs

I have been told many times that I’m too hard on myself. I hold myself to high standards and when things go wrong, I do probably attribute blame to myself more than to others. It’s important for people like me to make a point of reflecting on progress and successes. We are in the habit of looking forward, frustrated that we are not further ahead on our path. Looking back often provides a welcome relief to those high standards in the acknowledgement of how much progress has been made.

I went on a longer walk than usual today, mostly to escape the mayhem at home. On my walk I had the realisation that it has only been a few short months since my diagnosis. Only four months have elapsed but it feels like a year to me. I think that’s because there has been so much personal growth. I have found myself being irritated that I didn't have insights earlier than I did, like that I took a while to realise that daily naps are important. But in reality, only a few weeks elapsed before I implemented that regimen. Perhaps all the turmoil of addressing important life issues has left me feeling that I've aged a year in only four months.

Some recent emotional wounds were opened yesterday. Sadly, it does cause me stress and it has taken its toll on my energy levels. Because I don’t feel rested today I’m having a lot of difficulty being at home when the family is here. My girls are driving me crazy and I’m finding myself being overly irritable with them. It is certain that stressful events slow down my recovery and set me back. I’m feeling the need to withdraw to recover. Unfortunately my environment expects me to mediate fights and provide entertainment for small children. Not so aligned to my needs today. The good news is that the girls are close to their father after me spending a weekend away recently, so they are in good hands and happy to be there.

I’m reading a wonderful book on building resilience which I’m hoping will help me bounce back quicker in adversity. I have applied the happiness building techniques learned from books I have read, so I have no doubt that I can improve my resilience as well.  Next time those wounds are opened, I will hopefully be able to reduce the impact on my energy reserves and not let it affect me so much.

I feel that I’m gaining more and more clarity on my career path. I suspect that I’ll receive income from a variety of sources in future. I’m so very grateful for the opportunities that are coming my way. I’m certain that it’s due to being clear on what I enjoy and what I want in my life. Sometimes I feel that the answers are unfolding faster than I can handle.

Looking back over the past four months I have gained an enormous bundle of personal insight and have been able to define a future path for myself that supports my talents. I've been clear in knowing what must disappear from my life and what must enter, in a generalised way. I've been reciting my Best Possible Future Self every day and in so doing, I've put my intentions out there and the clarity is improving with each week that passes.

It’s strange to realise that I've only recently connected with my needs and talents. In my previous role I spent a lot of time doing what I could do and not want I really wanted to do. That has been a key learning for me on this journey in that although I’m good at something, it has no place in my  job function if I don’t enjoy it.

The recovery process takes time and requires patience, both of which are in short supply. But I do have the sense that the next few weeks will see the fruits of my efforts unfolding further. I’m hoping that in a month’s time, I’ll be in remission and well enough to do work that is aligned to my passions and that builds me up.

Creativity: The Secret to All Things Good

I marvel at what people can create. Just looking at paintings, drawings and sculptures reveals the diversity of talent in our world. Even people who are not artists create beautiful things every day. I enjoy crochet and knitting so I took a look at some of the creations shown on Tumblr and was astounded. I have friends who create the most spectacular cakes and baking creations, friends who take scrap booking to a new level, and I am by no means unique with the collection of people I know.

Years ago a school friend and I attended weekly classes to learn about stamping on cards, plate painting, decoupage and various other things. My friend’s mother joined in and the three of us had ‘play dates’ sharing our art supplies and creating some wonderful things. I always felt that their creations were so much better than mine. But looking back I also created some wonderful pieces of art and sadly, I have no idea how they were done. Once we had children, we stopped attending the classes and our play dates dried up.

We became parents and we stopped playing. Many of us have forgotten what it is to play and to have fun. Having children of my own I see how much fun they have while painting. I habitually resist their painting at home because the tidying up rests with me and I find it most unpleasant. Perhaps this is one of the lessons I still need to learn and sometime soon I will embrace their painting and to dive in too.

This weekend I am attending a women’s retreat. I keep telling myself my primary reason for going is to escape my children but to be honest, it’s more than that. It’s allowing myself to invest in me. I think it is a key part of my recovery and I hope to make it an annual occasion. The weekend includes expression through art and through dance and as I have mentioned in previous posts, self-expression really necessary for me.

I find music to be such an interesting form of expression. There are songs that are so joyful and others so full of pain that you can hear the suffering in the words. How blessed are the artists who can express emotions through such a medium.

About a year ago I was going to a coach and I remember telling her how much joy I get from creating crochet blankets. I made one for a friend for her birthday a few years ago and she told me that it was the best present she had every received. I love the creative aspect of planning the pattern, colours and border. What I didn't tell my coach in so many words is that I enjoyed the blankets much more than work. Because at work I had no control over the goal and I was not able to be creative in my work. My work goals were extrinsic in that it was more for others, while creating a blanket is done for its own sake, an intrinsic purpose. Research shows that intrinsic goals make us happier.

It is true that I am undergoing a transformation from the stressed and unhappy person I was last year, to a fulfilled, peaceful person who is comfortable speaking her truth. Big change is happening in my body, in my life and my career. I choose to focus on what works for me and I unburden myself of the shackles of obligation to others. My journey has included a multitude of aspects including healing practices, diet change, exercise change, rest and meditation, focus on self-care, medication and supplements but most importantly, Creativity. 

You don’t have to be an artist to be creative. We are all born with creative talents which are sadly dormant in many of us. I’d encourage you to find some time to play or create in the next week. Express yourself in some way and note how it makes you feel. I have found that in writing, I am healing myself. It is in expressing my long-suppressed thoughts and ideas that I feel free.

Synchronicity - Meaningful Co-incidence

I received some news yesterday that my thyroid is now functioning normally. It doesn't mean that I’m out of the woods yet as I’m not in remission and I still do feel very tired. My challenge now is to ensure I don’t get carried away and overdo it. I also need to make sure those around me don’t assume that I’ll be back to my normal self, however long ago that was.

You may have noticed that I haven’t been writing as much. There are a few reasons: school holidays, a long weekend away and just having a few too many commitments. I volunteered to write for an online magazine and the editor asked for a submission. I think I have been procrastinating in writing and submitting an article and it has taken me a few days to realise why. Isn't this just what I was wanting – the opportunity to publish my writing? But somehow when the opportunity arose, I doubted myself, questioned my worth as a writer and got anxious about the criticism. 

I submitted an article yesterday and await feedback eagerly. It is a leap of faith and it does take some courage to put myself out there. I have now given someone else the opportunity to criticise and reject my work. But as I've said in a previous post, there is power in vulnerability. In order to grow and expand my skills, I need feedback and I’m ready to take the leap. And yes, the possibility exists that it will not be published or will need to be reworked, but the mere submission is a step forward in my view.

I've been faithfully doing my Artist’s Way exercises and I believe the process to be a truly remarkable one. What is amazing to me is that each week what the author predicts will happen, truly unfolds. This week she predicted Carl Jung’s principle of synchronicity, or meaningful co-incidences, to emerge. In reading about the possibility that my wishes are being granted, it would be irresponsible not to respond. So it has indeed been perfect timing to have the opportunity to submit this article.

Something that has become evident to me is that things don’t feel right for me if I’m not writing. I have had this realisation in the past week or so where I have not written enough. Writing is a cathartic outlet for me and an opportunity to express myself in ways that I usually would not. It is so clear to me now that I need to write daily and my future career must include writing.

Many people around me have been commenting on how much better I am lately. I appear to be improving by the week. Last week I felt despondent and frustrated in thinking about a recovery period of months to come. With the news of my improved health and with those around me noticing an improvement, I feel encouraged and motivated to continue on my path. I have come to realise that my Self-Care Roster is a central part of my recovery. I was advised against it by some well-meaning people but I have found that it meets my need to make progress.

My improvement currently coincides with the onset of winter in the Southern Hemisphere. For those blessed with a sunny climate, it can be quite depressing to see the days become shorter and the temperature dropping. We, by no means, have a harsh winter but there is a marked change. I worked in South East Asia in my past and found it remarkable how the temperature didn't change much. As great as the warm weather all year around was, I quite missed the opportunity to wear my boots, scarves and winter coats. When the temperature is fairly constant, you don’t get to experience the optimism of spring. This was why I chose to get married in September, with the excitement of fresh start and new beginnings.

Perhaps my illness is entering its winter and by spring I’ll be fully renewed.

Exercise and Well-Being

Something I’ve been grappling with lately is that I can’t really exercise. I can’t exercise like I’m used to – running about five days a week and training for big scary goals. Currently, I can’t even walk up a steep hill without feeling exhausted. I’m now one of those people who will circle the parking lot, looking for the closest spot near the entrance.  To the average bystander, I just look lazy.

I’m used to being fit and I’m used to my weight being fairly static. Now, I’m deliberately slowing down my metabolism with medication and I can’t exercise. It’s not that I’m just feeling the symptoms of Graves’ disease, being fatigue. I’m totally and utterly depleted from stress. When your body has invoked an auto-immune attack, you have to rebuild your energy reserves and change your life to prevent a relapse. It is not a matter of weeks or days to recover from something this serious. And it's not just a matter of forging through the fatigue - I can set my recovery back if I'm not careful. 

I often encounter people who work with athletes and their advice seems to be quite wrong to me: they are advising me to do a 40 minute cycle when five minutes flattens me. Because I look fine and I can hold a conversation, people just don’t understand just how depleted one gets from a stress-induced illness. This is not laziness and this is not me being over-dramatic. If I was prone to drama, I would not have become so depleted in the first place because people would have listened!

Even if I were able to stay on the bike for 40 minutes, I would feel the impact of that for days if not weeks afterwards. I recently had a spike of stress again and it set me back about a week. I felt my immune system dipping and was even advised by medical practitioners to up my Vitamin C dosage. So an intense cardio work-out is not what I need now.

I've tried going for a gentle walk and that works quite well. I found spots in my neighbourhood where I can rest on a bench if I get a little tired. I've also been doing ball exercises for various muscle groups but mainly core strength. I have been doing a cycle of ball exercises, walking and the five minute cycle once a week each. In the week where I had more stress, I had to stop all exercise again.

I have been pretty patient by my standards in not getting too uptight about gaining weight. Over the past few years and months I have given up alcohol, caffeine, carbonated drinks and am eating more of the things that are healthier. I was a healthy eater to start with, so there was not that much refining that could be done. I do feel very sorry for myself that I cannot control my weight, even though I'm eating well. The one weakness I do have is sugar, primarily chocolate. I feel that I have really done so much to work towards healing and recovery that I really deserve just one indulgence. 

For someone who used to say ‘my biggest health problem is sinus’, this is quite a different landscape. And I do find it enormously frustrating. I’m a person of action. I like to get things done, take ownership and put plans in place. For me to reign in exercise to this degree after being idle for months, is actually very hard. Sadly, even my fat pants are now becoming tight. I don't fancy buying a new wardrobe for my expanding physique so something must be done. 

In the reading and research I have done, I have noticed how much yoga comes up as a healing form of exercise. I have previously done the 90 minute gruelling sessions of Bikram yoga in a sauna environment, as it was at my level of intensity. Now, I think it would kill me. But I have resolved to try restorative yoga this week to dip my toe in the water.

I remember getting advice from Bio-Kinetics I was attending that the yoga was not at all compatible with running. The statement she used was ‘you don’t see any people from India winning marathons’. I was quite sad to have to give up yoga as I really enjoyed the intensity, the progress I was making and how great I felt afterwards. Perhaps this is my chance to improve my flexibility and to invest in a new regime of exercise that is health-building.

Recovery is Slow

People ask me quite often if I’m feeling better and it’s a hard question to answer. Recovering from something quite major like Graves’ disease is not the same as the flu. It’s going to take months to go into remission and some people have told me to cater for a year. I took years to get into this poor state of health and to embed the life circumstances that created it. And it will take many months to recover and to unravel my life. It takes focus, discipline and courage to renegotiate and to prioritise yourself.

I’m not sure I’ll ever feel as robust as I have felt earlier in my life but perhaps that’s true of any grown-up. I've always wanted a sabbatical but I dreamed of having the time to do things, learn things, clear out cupboards at home and enhance myself significantly. It’s true I’m on a personal growth path but I have to be quite cautious with anything that drains my energy, given my depleted state. I can’t commit to courses that last four hours because I’m afraid I’ll take days to recover.

There’s no question that recovery is boring. And it’s frustrating that my state of health is not apparent to other people. Sometimes I wonder if people think I’m just pretending. I haven’t lost hair or weight and I’m not covered in purple spots. I can hold a conversation and can go out briefly. I don’t believe in dramatizing my illness so I probably put on a more energetic demeanour for my rare outings. What people don’t see is the impact of overdoing it. They don’t see me having to sleep for a few hours each day in order to just cope with caring for my kids. They don’t see that I actually need recovery time on a Monday after the weekend.

I have times when I think I’m getting better. On Friday I missed my daily nap due to my three-year-old being sick. Expecting to feel exhausted on Saturday morning, I actually woke up before my children. That tells me that perhaps I’m getting enough sleep and I’m starting to recover. But it’s really hard to tell whether that’s true, or just one occurrence that I should not read anything into.

I’m really afraid of regressing as I do struggle to know how well I really am. Looking back, I know that I am much better than I was in November last year. But I also know that I’m not up to a full work day or even a lot of commitments in a week. I have blood tests taken once a month and my doctor has not really even given me timelines on how long this typically takes. I’m doing what I can to rest but how do I know if I should be only sleeping and reading? I’m afraid that by the time my medical leave is over, I might actually not be up to it. Am I wasting my leave by going out for coffee once a week? I also need to solve this underlying problem of my future career passion and that can’t be done at home by myself all day for months on end. I have to talk to people and be around those who care. 

Many of the entrepreneurial articles and personal growth books I’ve read cite the importance of waking up early in order to succeed. Ordinarily I’d love to do that – be up before the family wakes, have a chance to shower in peace, go to the toilet without being followed and perhaps write a bit. Given my state of depletion and how much rest I need, I simply have not been able to do that. 

I so look forward to a time when I can work, I can help people, contribute to the world and still have energy to care for my kids. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to run again. It all feels so far away. I’m tackling my recovery like a project, with my self-care roster and making sure I have alternative healing and a healthy diet. But that could also be a problem. Maybe I’m creating more stress for myself. I just don’t know and there’s no-one who can guide me.

So the answer to the question ‘Are you feeling better?’ right now is ‘I think so but I’ve got a long way to go’.

Consequences of Courage

Anyone who knows me well knows that I’m pretty even in temperament. I don’t like drama and I promote harmony wherever I go. I don’t lose my temper easily, with probably the exception of the past few months where my irritability has been obvious. This is a not-too-surprising symptom of Graves’ disease and of someone under extreme stress for a long time.

In your twenties and thirties, you don’t give a lot of thought to your childhood and things that went wrong in your past, unless of course, they were catastrophic. There have been two patches in my life when I've really thought extensively about my childhood. Firstly, on having children because you naturally consider what kind of a parent you’d like to be. You think about how you would like your children to experience their childhood. Turning forty was also a time of reflection in that I consider myself to be half way through, or thereabouts, of my life and I’m considering how the next half will look. My diagnosis has also been a catalyst at this time to consider my past and to design my future.

So, in thinking about my childhood and my past, sadly not a lot of good memories come to me. I was more neglected than anything I suppose and there was just not a lot of happiness. In my learning recently about growing as a person, I've done expressive writing to release the strong emotions, I've done visualisation exercises to let it go and I've written forgiveness letters to the people who have wronged me, which don't have to be sent by the way.

I can’t help but be affected by recalling the events that have caused me sadness in my past. I've protected my family on more than one occasion from a physically abusive bully. I've protected my business from an angry hammer-wielding family member who smashed up the office. I've been a victim of a car hi-jacking and being held up in my home. I've been subject to a lot of violence and volatile behaviour of the people around me. And in all circumstances, I was the level-headed one who stepped up, even at 17 years old, when the adults failed to do so.

I've always thought of myself as courageous and that those events helped mould me into who I am today. I've been proud of myself for standing in the face of danger to protect everyone. But I didn't consider at what cost to myself. Perhaps in my compulsion to restore order, I've taken the hit personally each time. Maybe all those events have something to do with my diagnosis.  It’s possible that the feeling of disappointment of those who should have been protecting me, has caused me a lot of stress too.

It’s certain that my health started deteriorating after one of those violent events, at a time when I was really already exhausted from sleep deprivation that comes with having a small baby. And that was about three years ago. The decline has been steady as I have failed to protect myself from those who harm me repeatedly. I kept thinking that family is the most important thing in life and you can never turn your back on them. I kept hoping for the love and support that is supposed to come from a parent. It took a diagnosis of a life-long condition for me to wake up and realise that I really needed to protect myself above all because no-one else was going to do it.

I’m doing my best to not blame those who have caused me harm, but it isn't easy. The path to happiness and personal growth does not include blame. It includes forgiveness, compassion and focussing on what you can do to be a better person.

When I look at my children, particularly when they’re asleep, I’m overwhelmed by the blessing of parenthood and of their innocence. The responsibility to raise them as happy independent people with solid values and humble confidence is substantial. But what a privilege at the same time. They are truly the source of great joy - why would anyone opt out or take that for granted? I know that I’m in charge of my life and I know that I'll love, accept and support them always, without burdening them with my bad decisions.

We have all experienced sad and painful events in our past. We all have some burdens we carry with us, despite our efforts to let go. The trick is not to let them rule you. The trick is to overcome and to succeed despite your past.