Dig a Little Deeper

As a mother of small children, I watch a lot of animated movies. Have you seen the movie The Princess and The Frog? The main character, Tiana, is a hard working woman who has a constant need to prove herself. She gets transformed into a frog along with a frivolous prince and they embark on an adventure in the bayou in order to become human again.  Along the way, they both learn a valuable lesson about what they truly need and how it differs from what they want.

The little frogs encounter Mama Odie, a voodoo priestess, who guides them towards their destinies. She sings a gorgeous song about getting what you need instead of what you want. During the song the prince realises that he needs Tiana but Tiana doesn’t have any revelations. At the end of the song, she thinks the message was to dig a little deeper into her reserves and work even harder towards her goals. I got a flashback of the song and the scene where Tiana just doesn’t get it. What prompted the flashback was reading some of my goals towards the end of last year. My health had been deteriorating for months, with mainly symptoms of fatigue and headaches. I thought the problem was motivation and I thought if I could just set the right targets, I’d get there.

My revelation over the past few months has been that my days need more writing in them. And yet I’ve let my inner critic bully me into believing that my book is rubbish and that no-one will want to read it. I think I’ve been procrastinating by arranging too many social outings and not only has it tired me out, but it has also distracted me from making progress on the work. My idol, Elizabeth Gilbert, has often mentioned that quality is not our responsibility; we just have to show up and do the work. As I’ve mentioned, I’m working through the creative recovery program in the book the Artist’s Way. The book has taught me that showing up is the most important thing I can do, even in the face of negative feedback and the Wet Blankets who will try to squash my dream. 

So perhaps my lesson from the past few weeks, feeling that my health is slipping backwards after all these months, is now clear: DO MORE WRITING. This morning I spent about ninety minutes on my book and it felt great. The quality cannot be guaranteed yet but that’s not my focus. Right now, it’s my job to show up and write. For hours if I can. And how do I feel? Great! I want to feel like this every day and this thought has made me more resolved to finish this book. 

I saw my doctor this morning and he confirmed that I’m now in remission officially. I have been working towards this point for a long time and I have been worrying about my health and my constraints a lot. Last week’s setback of feeling so tired and feeling like I’m losing ground was perhaps a lesson that needed to come before the remission confirmation. Maybe I needed to feel that tired again to remind me that I don’t just dive into life again full steam ahead because it won’t serve me.

So perhaps I got what I needed, and not what I thought I wanted. 

Progress and Set-Backs

I have been told many times that I’m too hard on myself. I hold myself to high standards and when things go wrong, I do probably attribute blame to myself more than to others. It’s important for people like me to make a point of reflecting on progress and successes. We are in the habit of looking forward, frustrated that we are not further ahead on our path. Looking back often provides a welcome relief to those high standards in the acknowledgement of how much progress has been made.

I went on a longer walk than usual today, mostly to escape the mayhem at home. On my walk I had the realisation that it has only been a few short months since my diagnosis. Only four months have elapsed but it feels like a year to me. I think that’s because there has been so much personal growth. I have found myself being irritated that I didn't have insights earlier than I did, like that I took a while to realise that daily naps are important. But in reality, only a few weeks elapsed before I implemented that regimen. Perhaps all the turmoil of addressing important life issues has left me feeling that I've aged a year in only four months.

Some recent emotional wounds were opened yesterday. Sadly, it does cause me stress and it has taken its toll on my energy levels. Because I don’t feel rested today I’m having a lot of difficulty being at home when the family is here. My girls are driving me crazy and I’m finding myself being overly irritable with them. It is certain that stressful events slow down my recovery and set me back. I’m feeling the need to withdraw to recover. Unfortunately my environment expects me to mediate fights and provide entertainment for small children. Not so aligned to my needs today. The good news is that the girls are close to their father after me spending a weekend away recently, so they are in good hands and happy to be there.

I’m reading a wonderful book on building resilience which I’m hoping will help me bounce back quicker in adversity. I have applied the happiness building techniques learned from books I have read, so I have no doubt that I can improve my resilience as well.  Next time those wounds are opened, I will hopefully be able to reduce the impact on my energy reserves and not let it affect me so much.

I feel that I’m gaining more and more clarity on my career path. I suspect that I’ll receive income from a variety of sources in future. I’m so very grateful for the opportunities that are coming my way. I’m certain that it’s due to being clear on what I enjoy and what I want in my life. Sometimes I feel that the answers are unfolding faster than I can handle.

Looking back over the past four months I have gained an enormous bundle of personal insight and have been able to define a future path for myself that supports my talents. I've been clear in knowing what must disappear from my life and what must enter, in a generalised way. I've been reciting my Best Possible Future Self every day and in so doing, I've put my intentions out there and the clarity is improving with each week that passes.

It’s strange to realise that I've only recently connected with my needs and talents. In my previous role I spent a lot of time doing what I could do and not want I really wanted to do. That has been a key learning for me on this journey in that although I’m good at something, it has no place in my  job function if I don’t enjoy it.

The recovery process takes time and requires patience, both of which are in short supply. But I do have the sense that the next few weeks will see the fruits of my efforts unfolding further. I’m hoping that in a month’s time, I’ll be in remission and well enough to do work that is aligned to my passions and that builds me up.

How Strong are your Boundaries?

One of the things that contributed to my recent health collapse is poor emotional boundaries. I didn't have strong boundaries established and that meant that anyone could impose almost anything on me. I wasn't firm enough, even with my children, in articulating what is for me and what is for them.

If you’re wondering what I mean, I’ll give you an example. I set up a small office at home that leads off my bedroom. Somehow our exercise bike became part of the furniture also. My children like to follow me around and they end up bringing dolls, marbles, toys and a myriad of other things into my tiny office. You can imagine what happens when they start fighting over the toys and how much work I can get done. So from now on, my office is off limits. They can knock but they can’t come in. This is my space. This is where I write and think. This is where I can control the noise level, the ambiance, the scent. It is in fact the only tiny space of the house that I can make my own.  

I let them overflow into my space without being clear that this is for me and it is not a playroom. I’m happy to sit with them in their rooms or the TV room to play and to create things together. But not in my office. That is my space and my space only. Now to find another spot for that exercise bike…

My office boundary is a physical one – it is a room. The most important of boundaries are emotional boundaries that define healthy relationships. Unhealthy relationships have unclear boundaries, or boundaries that are encroached upon repeatedly. Is someone taking your time, money or energy that you’re not comfortable giving? You might also be subject to unwelcome advances from a colleague or friend.

Establishing and maintaining boundaries takes energy, of which I have very little at the moment. I have put up boundaries to protect myself and to improve the relationships in my life. And it has been difficult, given my need to please others and my aversion of conflict. However, I am slowly making headway and ensuring that my energy is not drained by emotionally or financially needy people.

A strong sense of self goes hand in hand with boundaries. When your own boundaries are weak or when you overflow into spaces where you’re not welcome, relationships suffer. Being clear of who you are and what you want, helps to define healthy boundaries. Prioritising your own needs is not selfish, it is vital for maintaining a strong sense of self. As much as closeness with your partner or spouse is important, even more important is maintaining the 'you' they fell in love with. 

One hears about creating ‘me time’ a lot lately. Spending time alone helps to build the sense of self and helps to let others know that your needs are important. I would strongly encourage everyone to take some time for themselves, once a week at least, to safeguard your sanity and strengthen your identity.

Relationships are probably the greatest source of happiness in our lives. They take work and they need to be give-and-take. Think about the boundaries in your life: professional, friendships and family. Make sure you're respecting the boundaries of others. Make sure your boundaries are firm and that people know where they stand. Expect some backlash when you establish new boundaries as people do try to keep you as they want you to be.

But in the words of Robert Frost, “Good fences make good neighbors”.

Self-Help With a Pinch of Salt

As I'm sure you are aware, I read a lot of ‘self-help’ books in order to understand myself, and ultimately to grow as a person. I believe that investing in me will lead to sustainable happiness and in turn will benefit those I love most.

That being said, I've noticed that some of the pointers in these books are not really applicable in every situation. Following their advice blindly could actually cause quite a bit of harm. Many of the themes that I've noticed are things like:

• Weed out negative thoughts
• Remove toxic elements from your life
• Get up earlier in the morning
• Spend time alone – this also includes meditation and mindfulness
• Stop procrastinating
• Get more exercise and eat well
• Read to enrich yourself and research your areas of expertise
• Focus on your core strengths and outsource the rest
• Persevere no matter what
• Create goals with deadlines and monitor
• Do what you fear – go out of your comfort zone
• Serve others – contribute to society
• Identify your life purpose and follow it

While many of the above are really useful, some would actually set me back in my current state of health.  I simply cannot get up earlier in the morning because what I need most is rest. Once I’m well, that would make sense and I’d love to either exercise as I used to do, or simply take time for myself to quiet my mind before the day begins.

Exercise is not much of an option at the moment, although I’m doing the odd five minute cycle. Yes, it’s pathetic but that’s what is currently viable.  I am indeed shackled by my state of health currently, and it does cause me a great deal of frustration. But I keep thinking that there is a lesson in this that I’m being given, and I need to listen and learn it.

As I've mentioned in a previous blog, I don’t believe perseverance is always the answer. I kept pushing through things I didn't enjoy for years, for the benefit of other people. I did myself a lot of harm doing that. I promote not giving up at the first obstacle but occasionally, it’s good to take a step back and think about whether this is something you really want to be doing for many years to come. If not, don’t continue.

Contribution for me is a difficult one. One of my values is Helping People and I love to give back to the world in the work that I do. However, in being a mother of small children, I cannot escape a great deal of giving on a daily basis, and sometimes to the point of being utterly depleted. I know I have a habit of taking on too much and of not asking for help. I have to learn to reign in what I choose to do and then do it well. I have to learn to ask for help and to take it when offered. I see a lot of areas where I’d love to contribute, but I need to hold back in order to preserve my energy for the really important things. I don’t think this tussle will end, even when I’m in remission. It will be an everlasting tension in my life.

For me, the last one is the most important of all. Identify your life purpose and follow it. It is not selfish, it is not indulgent. It is our purpose. We all have talents and abilities that are unique to us. We were given them for a reason and it’s almost criminal not to make the most of them. Talents are there to enrich your life and the world. If you are not putting your talents to good use, what’s holding you back? It is my strong belief that we do each have a calling and it is our responsibility to act on it. Not only for our good but for the good of those around us.

So I keep reading and I even summarise key learnings after each book I read. But I know that there are some strategies that don't apply to me right now. There are more than enough strategies to implement that do apply and that can help me, and I'm making the most of each.  

“The path that is the most successful in life is guided by desire” ~ Deepak Chopra