I have been on a medical sabbatical for three of the agreed
four months. My business is transforming into a new entity, with new people and
focusing on offering services that are more aligned with my interests than the
previous company was. However, it’s still not my passion. It has made me wonder
if I should ever have entered the corporate world and if I should have entered the
IT industry. They seem quite far from who I am now, in a few short months of
being away. As much as I appreciate the shareholders rearranging and
accommodating me, I simply cannot enter a business that does not energise me.
And it is not fair and honest to string them along for another month once I
know that it’s not my future. It’s not fair on them and it’s causing internal
discord with me, resulting in stress.
Once we have acknowledged that we require meaning in our
lives, there is no turning back. Once we realise that we need to be congruent
with our thoughts, words, family, friends, work, leisure and decisions, we
cannot go against our true self. I have read The Alchemist this week and
what perfect timing for me on my journey to fulfil my destiny. Once we have
that hunger for our ‘treasure’, there is simply no alternative course of
action. “The boy and his heart had become friends, and neither was capable now
of betraying the other.” ~ Paulo Coelho
I know that my health has been improving since last year and
I have started to measure progress by
how many hours of productive work I can do per day. I’m now able to do about
three hours a day of meeting or writing until I start to feel fatigued. So with
such limited time available, there is no room for people or activities that
drain me. If I’m spending my only precious three hours per day on something
that I don’t enjoy, I will never be well. And I will never have the strength or
energy for the things that I do enjoy i.e. writing.
I will completely sabotage my recovery to date if I give
into the need to make money and please others. How can I write this blog about
following your passion, and spend hours a day doing something I hate? It would
be too incongruent and would literally make me sicker.
As I have mentioned in a previous blog, I love Gary
Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages. The book discusses the concept that we
all have a ‘love tank’ that starts to diminish if we are not receiving love in
the way we require it. The tank eventually gets empty and that’s when
relationships break down. I think this wonderful concept can be extended to our
own energy tanks too. I have given so much in the past that I am completely
depleted.
The stress of the past week has caused my energy tank to be so empty
that I’m cancelling social engagements. I have to stay home, care for myself
and start to fill the tank.
I have decided that I simply cannot return to my business. I
am sorry to let the other shareholders down but I’m really in no position to
give of myself for anyone else’s benefit. I need to fill my tank and I can only
do that by doing things that I enjoy, like writing and creative activities that
I can do at home.
I do find this set-back enormously disappointing and it’s
hard not to feel completely despondent. What makes it worse is that people cannot
see it. I still have people asking me if I’m doing any exercise. Would you ask
someone with Cancer if they’re doing exercise? This illness is no joke, it’s
not imaginary and I’m really struggling. Do I have to roll around on the floor
to make people realise just how bad it is? That sounds like too much effort for someone with an empty tank.
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