Progress and Set-Backs

I have been told many times that I’m too hard on myself. I hold myself to high standards and when things go wrong, I do probably attribute blame to myself more than to others. It’s important for people like me to make a point of reflecting on progress and successes. We are in the habit of looking forward, frustrated that we are not further ahead on our path. Looking back often provides a welcome relief to those high standards in the acknowledgement of how much progress has been made.

I went on a longer walk than usual today, mostly to escape the mayhem at home. On my walk I had the realisation that it has only been a few short months since my diagnosis. Only four months have elapsed but it feels like a year to me. I think that’s because there has been so much personal growth. I have found myself being irritated that I didn't have insights earlier than I did, like that I took a while to realise that daily naps are important. But in reality, only a few weeks elapsed before I implemented that regimen. Perhaps all the turmoil of addressing important life issues has left me feeling that I've aged a year in only four months.

Some recent emotional wounds were opened yesterday. Sadly, it does cause me stress and it has taken its toll on my energy levels. Because I don’t feel rested today I’m having a lot of difficulty being at home when the family is here. My girls are driving me crazy and I’m finding myself being overly irritable with them. It is certain that stressful events slow down my recovery and set me back. I’m feeling the need to withdraw to recover. Unfortunately my environment expects me to mediate fights and provide entertainment for small children. Not so aligned to my needs today. The good news is that the girls are close to their father after me spending a weekend away recently, so they are in good hands and happy to be there.

I’m reading a wonderful book on building resilience which I’m hoping will help me bounce back quicker in adversity. I have applied the happiness building techniques learned from books I have read, so I have no doubt that I can improve my resilience as well.  Next time those wounds are opened, I will hopefully be able to reduce the impact on my energy reserves and not let it affect me so much.

I feel that I’m gaining more and more clarity on my career path. I suspect that I’ll receive income from a variety of sources in future. I’m so very grateful for the opportunities that are coming my way. I’m certain that it’s due to being clear on what I enjoy and what I want in my life. Sometimes I feel that the answers are unfolding faster than I can handle.

Looking back over the past four months I have gained an enormous bundle of personal insight and have been able to define a future path for myself that supports my talents. I've been clear in knowing what must disappear from my life and what must enter, in a generalised way. I've been reciting my Best Possible Future Self every day and in so doing, I've put my intentions out there and the clarity is improving with each week that passes.

It’s strange to realise that I've only recently connected with my needs and talents. In my previous role I spent a lot of time doing what I could do and not want I really wanted to do. That has been a key learning for me on this journey in that although I’m good at something, it has no place in my  job function if I don’t enjoy it.

The recovery process takes time and requires patience, both of which are in short supply. But I do have the sense that the next few weeks will see the fruits of my efforts unfolding further. I’m hoping that in a month’s time, I’ll be in remission and well enough to do work that is aligned to my passions and that builds me up.

Learning the Ropes

To be perfectly honest, I am learning the ropes of blogging. I’m no expert and I don’t even follow other blogs. That is my upfront disclaimer if I happen to break any written or unwritten rule of blogging etiquette.

Those of you who first saw my blog might have noticed that I've refined the layout somewhat. I think it fits my style and for those who need the tip, be sure to take a look at the gadgets on the right that tuck away neatly. I thought I created the capability to follow by email but I’m not sure if I got that right. And yes, the bullets of my last blog post are ugly. I've recently read that learning and growing is a key ingredient to happiness so bring on the learning!

I’m also curious to know what readers think of AdSense. I’m not a big fan of ads, and their assault on the senses – especially anything that throbs. Earning money while writing sounds quite appealing to me though.

I struggle to achieve things without a goal. If I can’t run an ultra-marathon this year, I’ll have to find goals associated with getting better or learning. So I've decided to follow three blogs as my first goal and hopefully I’ll pick up some tips.

Over a year ago I started an electronic journal that I called a ‘God blog’ due to my fear of public humiliation. In writing, identifying the target audience is one of the first important things to decide as it shapes the style substantially. She already knows me and wouldn't judge me too harshly so that’s what I called it. It is lonely being a business owner as you have no-one to talk to about your challenges. You can’t talk to your staff about your worries of being able to pay salaries or whether you’re leading this thing in the right direction. You need to appear confident and calm in knowing what you’re doing. So writing was my outlet and my tool in crystallising my thinking about the future of the business. I continue to use it in the path to my new career trusting that the same enlightenment is on its way.

So I think my journey will go something like this: acceptance then understanding, then healing and finally action. Since my diagnosis three weeks ago, I have most certainly accepted that my life needs to change. I think I’m still trying to understand why, although I’m most of the way through that phase. The next phase of healing will most likely be quite long as I let my body recover from years of going against the flow and suppressing my fatigue. That may take a good few months but I can say that I’m already starting to feel better.

I’m not known for my patience and I do find it very irritating that I can only have one outing a day. More than that and I find I’m pretty tired by the evening. Through regularly testing my patience, I think my children have helped me become more patient. Watching a toddler ram a round peg into a square hole (literally) over and over can be most frustrating. I think I've told them hundreds of times that you don’t need to tip a cup with a straw. I've learned to accept and even marvel at the pure volume of what human beings have to learn. My six-year-old asked me the other day ‘What is a test?’ and my first reaction was ‘Oh boy, does she have a long way to go.’ But seeing how excited she is to learn to read without being overwhelmed by how far she has to go, is inspiring to me. She tackles learning with the same gusto as she does playing.  

Our society really seems to value being busy. When people ask about my well-being I’m not sure I want my response to always be ‘Oh I’m so busy I can barely cope’. Since I've taken a step back from the hamster wheel, I've started to notice the small things around me. Since my condition makes me overheat a lot, the rain is absolutely glorious! I’m a lot less abrupt with my kids now too and I’m taking the time to tickle them; to give them frights and really listen to what they’re saying.  I want a life that contains living on purpose, stopping to enjoy each important moment; and filled with activities that are fulfilling (not just time-consuming).

I've secured myself a four month sabbatical from the business. I’m a very determined person and when I focus on something I can get it right. So now my major commitment is to get kids to school and to recover. Resting on purpose is very weird to me but perhaps it’s one of the lessons I have to learn.

Adequate recovery will mean that I’ll be ready to take action when the time comes. The action will be to ensure that my job is fulfilling, I have enough space to recover from all the things that drain my reserves during the day and I will have time to be a good parent too. As much as I have a need to achieve professionally, I’d rather be remembered for being a good parent because the impact is far more meaningful.

So I’m learning the ropes with blogging, but also with how far I can push myself currently. I am trying to really listen to my body to make sure I’m picking up early cues. It’s not forever but it is an important part of the process to ensure the future is designed right.