One Chance?

I watched a lovely movie this week called One Chance. It's a true sorry about the discovery of unlikely opera star, Paul Potts. From a child he had an unrelenting talent for singing and he always knew that opera was his destiny. At one point in the movie he suffers a setback in his journey when he gets criticism for lacking confidence. He almost gives up and tries to live the life his father wants for him but it's no use, the passion is too strong.  

I've been thinking about how hard it is to remain focussed on your destiny in the face of rejection or doubt. I am mainly focussed on recovery now but I cannot ignore the fact that I have no income. I have resigned from my business in order to spend more time recovering. I can't embark on something new when I only have a few hours a day to dedicate to it. I'm pretty much an all or nothing person and I'm not very good at half measures. If I can't run ultra-marathons, I probably wont run at all. I'll throw myself into something that I can really succeed at but only once I can. In the interim I need to focus all of my attention on getting well and getting enough rest. It is hard, however, not to worry about how I will make money out of my talent and whether I'll have to sell out and get a dreaded job again. 

The movie ends with Paul Potts being selected from Britain's Got Talent and ultimately winning the competition. After a lifetime of struggles he is finally living his destiny, proving all the naysayers wrong. When changing career paths, I think it is vitally important to remember stories like this. As if it's not enough that we battle our own inner critic on a daily basis, but there are plenty of people out there ready to give us a plethora of reasons why not to follow our dreams. It is only your true friends who believe in you despite the interim setbacks on the way to your dream. 

Watch the Paul Potts first audition by clicking here. I love how he is so unassuming, the very thing he was criticised for when he almost lost hope. I think his humility is part of his charm. There is a lesson in that for all of us - being true to ourselves and persisting to bring the passion that lives within us to life. 

What dreams have you given up on? What passions are you yet to bring to the world?

Dig a Little Deeper

As a mother of small children, I watch a lot of animated movies. Have you seen the movie The Princess and The Frog? The main character, Tiana, is a hard working woman who has a constant need to prove herself. She gets transformed into a frog along with a frivolous prince and they embark on an adventure in the bayou in order to become human again.  Along the way, they both learn a valuable lesson about what they truly need and how it differs from what they want.

The little frogs encounter Mama Odie, a voodoo priestess, who guides them towards their destinies. She sings a gorgeous song about getting what you need instead of what you want. During the song the prince realises that he needs Tiana but Tiana doesn’t have any revelations. At the end of the song, she thinks the message was to dig a little deeper into her reserves and work even harder towards her goals. I got a flashback of the song and the scene where Tiana just doesn’t get it. What prompted the flashback was reading some of my goals towards the end of last year. My health had been deteriorating for months, with mainly symptoms of fatigue and headaches. I thought the problem was motivation and I thought if I could just set the right targets, I’d get there.

My revelation over the past few months has been that my days need more writing in them. And yet I’ve let my inner critic bully me into believing that my book is rubbish and that no-one will want to read it. I think I’ve been procrastinating by arranging too many social outings and not only has it tired me out, but it has also distracted me from making progress on the work. My idol, Elizabeth Gilbert, has often mentioned that quality is not our responsibility; we just have to show up and do the work. As I’ve mentioned, I’m working through the creative recovery program in the book the Artist’s Way. The book has taught me that showing up is the most important thing I can do, even in the face of negative feedback and the Wet Blankets who will try to squash my dream. 

So perhaps my lesson from the past few weeks, feeling that my health is slipping backwards after all these months, is now clear: DO MORE WRITING. This morning I spent about ninety minutes on my book and it felt great. The quality cannot be guaranteed yet but that’s not my focus. Right now, it’s my job to show up and write. For hours if I can. And how do I feel? Great! I want to feel like this every day and this thought has made me more resolved to finish this book. 

I saw my doctor this morning and he confirmed that I’m now in remission officially. I have been working towards this point for a long time and I have been worrying about my health and my constraints a lot. Last week’s setback of feeling so tired and feeling like I’m losing ground was perhaps a lesson that needed to come before the remission confirmation. Maybe I needed to feel that tired again to remind me that I don’t just dive into life again full steam ahead because it won’t serve me.

So perhaps I got what I needed, and not what I thought I wanted. 

Progress and Set-Backs

I have been told many times that I’m too hard on myself. I hold myself to high standards and when things go wrong, I do probably attribute blame to myself more than to others. It’s important for people like me to make a point of reflecting on progress and successes. We are in the habit of looking forward, frustrated that we are not further ahead on our path. Looking back often provides a welcome relief to those high standards in the acknowledgement of how much progress has been made.

I went on a longer walk than usual today, mostly to escape the mayhem at home. On my walk I had the realisation that it has only been a few short months since my diagnosis. Only four months have elapsed but it feels like a year to me. I think that’s because there has been so much personal growth. I have found myself being irritated that I didn't have insights earlier than I did, like that I took a while to realise that daily naps are important. But in reality, only a few weeks elapsed before I implemented that regimen. Perhaps all the turmoil of addressing important life issues has left me feeling that I've aged a year in only four months.

Some recent emotional wounds were opened yesterday. Sadly, it does cause me stress and it has taken its toll on my energy levels. Because I don’t feel rested today I’m having a lot of difficulty being at home when the family is here. My girls are driving me crazy and I’m finding myself being overly irritable with them. It is certain that stressful events slow down my recovery and set me back. I’m feeling the need to withdraw to recover. Unfortunately my environment expects me to mediate fights and provide entertainment for small children. Not so aligned to my needs today. The good news is that the girls are close to their father after me spending a weekend away recently, so they are in good hands and happy to be there.

I’m reading a wonderful book on building resilience which I’m hoping will help me bounce back quicker in adversity. I have applied the happiness building techniques learned from books I have read, so I have no doubt that I can improve my resilience as well.  Next time those wounds are opened, I will hopefully be able to reduce the impact on my energy reserves and not let it affect me so much.

I feel that I’m gaining more and more clarity on my career path. I suspect that I’ll receive income from a variety of sources in future. I’m so very grateful for the opportunities that are coming my way. I’m certain that it’s due to being clear on what I enjoy and what I want in my life. Sometimes I feel that the answers are unfolding faster than I can handle.

Looking back over the past four months I have gained an enormous bundle of personal insight and have been able to define a future path for myself that supports my talents. I've been clear in knowing what must disappear from my life and what must enter, in a generalised way. I've been reciting my Best Possible Future Self every day and in so doing, I've put my intentions out there and the clarity is improving with each week that passes.

It’s strange to realise that I've only recently connected with my needs and talents. In my previous role I spent a lot of time doing what I could do and not want I really wanted to do. That has been a key learning for me on this journey in that although I’m good at something, it has no place in my  job function if I don’t enjoy it.

The recovery process takes time and requires patience, both of which are in short supply. But I do have the sense that the next few weeks will see the fruits of my efforts unfolding further. I’m hoping that in a month’s time, I’ll be in remission and well enough to do work that is aligned to my passions and that builds me up.

Firebreak

This weekend I went on a women’s retreat. On the first night I admitted to the ladies that I was really there to escape my children. Of course, I also went to renew myself and spend some time alone. It is the first time I have attended a retreat and I’m glad to say that there were no intolerable team exercises or war cries. The activities included art, dancing and reflection (including guided meditation).

I enjoyed the art tremendously and experienced true flow while constructing my pieces. The dancing was more difficult for me in that I am inhibited and restrained. I think my health concerns have led me to not trust my body anymore. The concept of free flow dancing makes me quite uncomfortable but I participated nonetheless. I found that the more I let go, the more I enjoyed myself. 

There were wonderful opportunities for solitude and reflection which I enjoyed thoroughly. Aligned with my current path of restoring myself and finding some peace, the quiet was something I really needed. I was able to let go of a major fear that has been holding me back. I feel a greater clarity of purpose going forward in my life and I've pumped up my happiness level, even if just for a while.

Something that I did not anticipate was that I’d really enjoy the people. Usually in a group there is one irritating person who talks too much and asks too many questions. But the group of people were genuine, supportive and nurturing. Being an introvert I do struggle with new people and these days I am less willing to keep up a high-energy facade. The people seemed to accept me regardless, and I really enjoyed aspects of everyone on the retreat.

Something that I've often observed is how many people speak so badly about themselves, even to people they have just met. They are willing to expose so many flaws and yet they get coy when being complimented. We often struggle to accept positive feedback with grace, and will argue and disagree. It is far more gracious to accept compliments considering the word emanates from ‘gift’. I have read that we should ask ourselves whether we would keep a friend to talks to us in the same way we talk to ourselves. That helps to remind us to be kind to ourselves, and to notice and rectify negative self-talk.  

While spending time on self-improvement it is expected that personal insights emerge. I have always resisted leadership and sticking my head above the crowd. Being an introvert I am often quite uncomfortable being centre of attention, despite the fact that I often end up there anyway. I was flabbergasted to be selected as a prefect at school. The first time I rose up in the corporate ladder, it was my team members who suggested that I should put my name forward when our manager moved on to greener pastures. It occurred to me that everyone else can see me as a leader and someone who can really shine. It’s time I transform my thinking and take my place as an eagle instead of a timid chicken.

While driving back, I encountered a large fire on both sides of the highway. In parts of our country the climate can be very dry, leading to bush fires. Often farmers intentionally create firebreaks to ensure that fires don’t spread too far and become catastrophic. With my health having been so poor in the past few years, it occurred to me that this retreat was like a firebreak, needed so that life does not engulf me.

I did think about my family a lot and I missed them. Getting home I appreciated my sweet girls, my husband, my own bed and shower. However, the feeling on the weekend of not being relied upon for every conceivable eventuality was an enormous relief. I will most definitely make an annual event for myself to get away and to care for myself, even if it’s just to feel that relief again.

I believe there is no greater investment than to invest in yourself. Once you start working on yourself and letting your creativity out, life's treasures start unfolding. I'm ready to embrace them and to see where it takes me. 

How Strong are your Boundaries?

One of the things that contributed to my recent health collapse is poor emotional boundaries. I didn't have strong boundaries established and that meant that anyone could impose almost anything on me. I wasn't firm enough, even with my children, in articulating what is for me and what is for them.

If you’re wondering what I mean, I’ll give you an example. I set up a small office at home that leads off my bedroom. Somehow our exercise bike became part of the furniture also. My children like to follow me around and they end up bringing dolls, marbles, toys and a myriad of other things into my tiny office. You can imagine what happens when they start fighting over the toys and how much work I can get done. So from now on, my office is off limits. They can knock but they can’t come in. This is my space. This is where I write and think. This is where I can control the noise level, the ambiance, the scent. It is in fact the only tiny space of the house that I can make my own.  

I let them overflow into my space without being clear that this is for me and it is not a playroom. I’m happy to sit with them in their rooms or the TV room to play and to create things together. But not in my office. That is my space and my space only. Now to find another spot for that exercise bike…

My office boundary is a physical one – it is a room. The most important of boundaries are emotional boundaries that define healthy relationships. Unhealthy relationships have unclear boundaries, or boundaries that are encroached upon repeatedly. Is someone taking your time, money or energy that you’re not comfortable giving? You might also be subject to unwelcome advances from a colleague or friend.

Establishing and maintaining boundaries takes energy, of which I have very little at the moment. I have put up boundaries to protect myself and to improve the relationships in my life. And it has been difficult, given my need to please others and my aversion of conflict. However, I am slowly making headway and ensuring that my energy is not drained by emotionally or financially needy people.

A strong sense of self goes hand in hand with boundaries. When your own boundaries are weak or when you overflow into spaces where you’re not welcome, relationships suffer. Being clear of who you are and what you want, helps to define healthy boundaries. Prioritising your own needs is not selfish, it is vital for maintaining a strong sense of self. As much as closeness with your partner or spouse is important, even more important is maintaining the 'you' they fell in love with. 

One hears about creating ‘me time’ a lot lately. Spending time alone helps to build the sense of self and helps to let others know that your needs are important. I would strongly encourage everyone to take some time for themselves, once a week at least, to safeguard your sanity and strengthen your identity.

Relationships are probably the greatest source of happiness in our lives. They take work and they need to be give-and-take. Think about the boundaries in your life: professional, friendships and family. Make sure you're respecting the boundaries of others. Make sure your boundaries are firm and that people know where they stand. Expect some backlash when you establish new boundaries as people do try to keep you as they want you to be.

But in the words of Robert Frost, “Good fences make good neighbors”.

Self-Help With a Pinch of Salt

As I'm sure you are aware, I read a lot of ‘self-help’ books in order to understand myself, and ultimately to grow as a person. I believe that investing in me will lead to sustainable happiness and in turn will benefit those I love most.

That being said, I've noticed that some of the pointers in these books are not really applicable in every situation. Following their advice blindly could actually cause quite a bit of harm. Many of the themes that I've noticed are things like:

• Weed out negative thoughts
• Remove toxic elements from your life
• Get up earlier in the morning
• Spend time alone – this also includes meditation and mindfulness
• Stop procrastinating
• Get more exercise and eat well
• Read to enrich yourself and research your areas of expertise
• Focus on your core strengths and outsource the rest
• Persevere no matter what
• Create goals with deadlines and monitor
• Do what you fear – go out of your comfort zone
• Serve others – contribute to society
• Identify your life purpose and follow it

While many of the above are really useful, some would actually set me back in my current state of health.  I simply cannot get up earlier in the morning because what I need most is rest. Once I’m well, that would make sense and I’d love to either exercise as I used to do, or simply take time for myself to quiet my mind before the day begins.

Exercise is not much of an option at the moment, although I’m doing the odd five minute cycle. Yes, it’s pathetic but that’s what is currently viable.  I am indeed shackled by my state of health currently, and it does cause me a great deal of frustration. But I keep thinking that there is a lesson in this that I’m being given, and I need to listen and learn it.

As I've mentioned in a previous blog, I don’t believe perseverance is always the answer. I kept pushing through things I didn't enjoy for years, for the benefit of other people. I did myself a lot of harm doing that. I promote not giving up at the first obstacle but occasionally, it’s good to take a step back and think about whether this is something you really want to be doing for many years to come. If not, don’t continue.

Contribution for me is a difficult one. One of my values is Helping People and I love to give back to the world in the work that I do. However, in being a mother of small children, I cannot escape a great deal of giving on a daily basis, and sometimes to the point of being utterly depleted. I know I have a habit of taking on too much and of not asking for help. I have to learn to reign in what I choose to do and then do it well. I have to learn to ask for help and to take it when offered. I see a lot of areas where I’d love to contribute, but I need to hold back in order to preserve my energy for the really important things. I don’t think this tussle will end, even when I’m in remission. It will be an everlasting tension in my life.

For me, the last one is the most important of all. Identify your life purpose and follow it. It is not selfish, it is not indulgent. It is our purpose. We all have talents and abilities that are unique to us. We were given them for a reason and it’s almost criminal not to make the most of them. Talents are there to enrich your life and the world. If you are not putting your talents to good use, what’s holding you back? It is my strong belief that we do each have a calling and it is our responsibility to act on it. Not only for our good but for the good of those around us.

So I keep reading and I even summarise key learnings after each book I read. But I know that there are some strategies that don't apply to me right now. There are more than enough strategies to implement that do apply and that can help me, and I'm making the most of each.  

“The path that is the most successful in life is guided by desire” ~ Deepak Chopra

Recovery is Slow

People ask me quite often if I’m feeling better and it’s a hard question to answer. Recovering from something quite major like Graves’ disease is not the same as the flu. It’s going to take months to go into remission and some people have told me to cater for a year. I took years to get into this poor state of health and to embed the life circumstances that created it. And it will take many months to recover and to unravel my life. It takes focus, discipline and courage to renegotiate and to prioritise yourself.

I’m not sure I’ll ever feel as robust as I have felt earlier in my life but perhaps that’s true of any grown-up. I've always wanted a sabbatical but I dreamed of having the time to do things, learn things, clear out cupboards at home and enhance myself significantly. It’s true I’m on a personal growth path but I have to be quite cautious with anything that drains my energy, given my depleted state. I can’t commit to courses that last four hours because I’m afraid I’ll take days to recover.

There’s no question that recovery is boring. And it’s frustrating that my state of health is not apparent to other people. Sometimes I wonder if people think I’m just pretending. I haven’t lost hair or weight and I’m not covered in purple spots. I can hold a conversation and can go out briefly. I don’t believe in dramatizing my illness so I probably put on a more energetic demeanour for my rare outings. What people don’t see is the impact of overdoing it. They don’t see me having to sleep for a few hours each day in order to just cope with caring for my kids. They don’t see that I actually need recovery time on a Monday after the weekend.

I have times when I think I’m getting better. On Friday I missed my daily nap due to my three-year-old being sick. Expecting to feel exhausted on Saturday morning, I actually woke up before my children. That tells me that perhaps I’m getting enough sleep and I’m starting to recover. But it’s really hard to tell whether that’s true, or just one occurrence that I should not read anything into.

I’m really afraid of regressing as I do struggle to know how well I really am. Looking back, I know that I am much better than I was in November last year. But I also know that I’m not up to a full work day or even a lot of commitments in a week. I have blood tests taken once a month and my doctor has not really even given me timelines on how long this typically takes. I’m doing what I can to rest but how do I know if I should be only sleeping and reading? I’m afraid that by the time my medical leave is over, I might actually not be up to it. Am I wasting my leave by going out for coffee once a week? I also need to solve this underlying problem of my future career passion and that can’t be done at home by myself all day for months on end. I have to talk to people and be around those who care. 

Many of the entrepreneurial articles and personal growth books I’ve read cite the importance of waking up early in order to succeed. Ordinarily I’d love to do that – be up before the family wakes, have a chance to shower in peace, go to the toilet without being followed and perhaps write a bit. Given my state of depletion and how much rest I need, I simply have not been able to do that. 

I so look forward to a time when I can work, I can help people, contribute to the world and still have energy to care for my kids. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to run again. It all feels so far away. I’m tackling my recovery like a project, with my self-care roster and making sure I have alternative healing and a healthy diet. But that could also be a problem. Maybe I’m creating more stress for myself. I just don’t know and there’s no-one who can guide me.

So the answer to the question ‘Are you feeling better?’ right now is ‘I think so but I’ve got a long way to go’.

Stumbling on Grumpy

Daniel Gilbert is a well-known author of the book Stumbling On Happiness. I've just finished it and to be honest, I’m not sure why he’s so renowned. Gilbert spends the entire book explaining why we are wrong. We can’t predict what will make us happy, our memories are flawed and we can’t even see straight. There is no question that his writing style is entertaining and he has a great sense of humour but I’m really not sure that his chosen topic is ideal, given his outlook.

Anyone who chooses to read a book about happiness, is probably wanting to be happier. Even the process of reading the book made me unhappy as I counted the pages towards the end. I’d favour reading The How of Happiness or the The Happiness Project if you want to work on being happier.

The basic tenet of Gilbert’s book is that we are highly incapable of predicting our future emotions. But why is that so important? Certainly, if we are about to make a big life decision, we’d like to make sure it will bring us happiness. He shows in the research that it’s more accurate to ask someone else in that position how happy it makes them. But no-one can truly be completely in the position you wish to full as they are not you. 

If you know yourself well, you will know what you like, you know where you want to live or who you want to marry or what career to follow. Imagine me asking a writer if it’s fun and basing my future career on that. Wouldn't I be the fool?

I’m expending a great deal of time and effort into knowing my strengths and weaknesses, talents and desires. Once those are completely clear, I can formulate options for my new career, try them out and make a decision. I’m all for talking to people to understand the pros and cons of any role and what others find challenging and rewarding. I like to obtain views from others as my leadership style is affiliatory. But no-one comes with my experiences, background, culture, beliefs, fears, talents and dreams.

Now that I’m finished his book, it’s time to shake things up again. Happiness is not found in monotony, especially for someone right-brained. As mentioned in my previous post, I believe creativity to be one of the key paths to finding yourself and your life passion. My original search for books on how to find your passion yielded few results. But I did come across a book called ‘The Artists Way’, written by Julia Cameron who helps people connect with their innate talents and their creativity. I’m really excited about it and I’m hoping it will unlock something in me that will lead to some real personal growth. 

Follow Your Bliss

I’m crazy about Masterchef Australia for a number of reasons. I am, of course, really interested in people who have the courage to switch paths, sometimes quite late in life. It’s so interesting to see how the contestants often comment on how they have grown as a person so much more than they anticipated. They entered the competition to gain skills and a head-start in becoming a chef. Not only do they all (not only the winner) pick up new skills in their chosen profession, but they push themselves to grow. In doing so, they discover a profound flow experience in the creation of food. It is a creative exercise and requires imagination, skill and knowledge. What an amazing journey they are taken on and it’s no wonder there are tears as each contestant is eliminated from the competition.

One of the judges this week used the phrase ‘follow your bliss’ and that really sums up my intention for this blog. What is it that inspires you to be great? What would you give up your everyday life for in order to experience? What is your bliss?

For me, my bliss is writing. There are many jobs that incorporate writing and I know that my journey ahead includes a lot of it. As well as writing, I can find flow in other things, usually creative pursuits such as playing piano and drawing.

I've realised lately that I don’t have a sense of entitlement that many people have. Perhaps it’s my upbringing or something within me that pushes me to prioritise the needs of others above my own. That’s something I need to work on and I’ll need to teach myself that I’m also entitled to things. Primarily, I’m entitled to have a job that is blissful. I’m entitled to love what I do and to gain a great deal of enjoyment from my everyday work. As long as it’s not to the detriment of anyone else, that’s not asking too much. That’s just making the most of living.

But why do so many people stay in jobs that are not fulfilling? Is it because they don’t know themselves enough to know what they want or need? Is it because they don’t feel entitled? Is it because they are afraid to lose something – usually a regular income? Is it because they feel afraid of being judged by others?

Changing careers late in life does take courage. It takes confidence and self-knowledge in order to go down a new path. You’ll need to defend your decision to the nay-sayers that inevitably will try to make you feel as if you’re making a mistake. Centre yourself, take a deep breath, and follow the path. Trust yourself enough to know that it’s only you who can define your path, or at least the path you want. And who knows what magical delights await.

I've come to realise that creativity is a great tool in discovering your talents and in getting to know yourself. None of us can escape being creative, in what we wear, how we do make-up and accessorise as well as the words we choose to express ourselves. We are all creative and the more we explore our creative side, the closer we get to knowing our true selves and what our talents are. This I believe to be a powerful tool in self-discovery. So dance, sing, paint or do whatever you feel expresses yourself fully.

“Follow your bliss and don’t be afraid, and doors will open where you didn’t know they were going to be.”  ~Joseph Campbell