Consequences of Courage

Anyone who knows me well knows that I’m pretty even in temperament. I don’t like drama and I promote harmony wherever I go. I don’t lose my temper easily, with probably the exception of the past few months where my irritability has been obvious. This is a not-too-surprising symptom of Graves’ disease and of someone under extreme stress for a long time.

In your twenties and thirties, you don’t give a lot of thought to your childhood and things that went wrong in your past, unless of course, they were catastrophic. There have been two patches in my life when I've really thought extensively about my childhood. Firstly, on having children because you naturally consider what kind of a parent you’d like to be. You think about how you would like your children to experience their childhood. Turning forty was also a time of reflection in that I consider myself to be half way through, or thereabouts, of my life and I’m considering how the next half will look. My diagnosis has also been a catalyst at this time to consider my past and to design my future.

So, in thinking about my childhood and my past, sadly not a lot of good memories come to me. I was more neglected than anything I suppose and there was just not a lot of happiness. In my learning recently about growing as a person, I've done expressive writing to release the strong emotions, I've done visualisation exercises to let it go and I've written forgiveness letters to the people who have wronged me, which don't have to be sent by the way.

I can’t help but be affected by recalling the events that have caused me sadness in my past. I've protected my family on more than one occasion from a physically abusive bully. I've protected my business from an angry hammer-wielding family member who smashed up the office. I've been a victim of a car hi-jacking and being held up in my home. I've been subject to a lot of violence and volatile behaviour of the people around me. And in all circumstances, I was the level-headed one who stepped up, even at 17 years old, when the adults failed to do so.

I've always thought of myself as courageous and that those events helped mould me into who I am today. I've been proud of myself for standing in the face of danger to protect everyone. But I didn't consider at what cost to myself. Perhaps in my compulsion to restore order, I've taken the hit personally each time. Maybe all those events have something to do with my diagnosis.  It’s possible that the feeling of disappointment of those who should have been protecting me, has caused me a lot of stress too.

It’s certain that my health started deteriorating after one of those violent events, at a time when I was really already exhausted from sleep deprivation that comes with having a small baby. And that was about three years ago. The decline has been steady as I have failed to protect myself from those who harm me repeatedly. I kept thinking that family is the most important thing in life and you can never turn your back on them. I kept hoping for the love and support that is supposed to come from a parent. It took a diagnosis of a life-long condition for me to wake up and realise that I really needed to protect myself above all because no-one else was going to do it.

I’m doing my best to not blame those who have caused me harm, but it isn't easy. The path to happiness and personal growth does not include blame. It includes forgiveness, compassion and focussing on what you can do to be a better person.

When I look at my children, particularly when they’re asleep, I’m overwhelmed by the blessing of parenthood and of their innocence. The responsibility to raise them as happy independent people with solid values and humble confidence is substantial. But what a privilege at the same time. They are truly the source of great joy - why would anyone opt out or take that for granted? I know that I’m in charge of my life and I know that I'll love, accept and support them always, without burdening them with my bad decisions.

We have all experienced sad and painful events in our past. We all have some burdens we carry with us, despite our efforts to let go. The trick is not to let them rule you. The trick is to overcome and to succeed despite your past. 

Passion Pushers

I read an article today about how parents are doing their children a disservice by pushing them to find their passions. Pushing your kids to succeed in a way that helps them get the most out of themselves can be really beneficial. Pushing them to a point where they are unhappy or in negative stress, is just bad parenting.

I’m a huge fan of Elizabeth Gilbert. She knew that writing is what she wanted to do from early on in life. She has also commented on how some of her friends are multi-talented and how that can make it difficult to find your passion. Each path is probably worth exploring, at least a little until you’re ready to make a choice. Ideally, that choice should not be based on how much money you can make, or pressure from anyone, but rather on how you find meaning. 

People discover their passions at varying stages of their lives. I have enjoyed many areas in my past and currently my career path is changing, half way through my career. It might not even end up being that different from my past, but I will be sure that it’s implemented on purpose.  When my parents where choosing a career the options went something like doctor, dentist, lawyer, teacher, secretary. Now, the mere options are inexhaustible and with technology shaping the world so dramatically, the future is open to so much more.

I remember being asked interview questions like “Where will you be in ten years’ time?” I always thought that it’s a ridiculous question because we simply cannot predict the opportunities that come our way. That seems like quite a reactive thought to have, but early on in my career I found it difficult to have a strong vision. Only once I really had exposure to the things I enjoyed and didn't enjoy, did I start to form an idea of where I’m going. Now I also realise that I may not have pursued the correct passion, although I've had success. The Best Possible Future Self I developed at age 25 would look really different from the one I've created recently. 

It can be a minefield to navigate, and a decision can only be made once you know yourself well. I believe it takes courage to change career paths since it challenges your identity and how people see you. But it's naive to expect to know everything at the start. 

This week I watched a documentary on the band Queen. Watching footage of how they found inspiration for some famous songs, was truly amazing. The reading I've done on finding your flow emphasises the need for concentration, and typically that needs to happen while you’re alone. How wonderful that a group of four people, each bringing their special talents to the mix, can participate in a flow experience regularly to create something so beautiful.

I suppose I have had discussions in my work environment with Software Developers where we debated and discussed the solutions, and together found a great result that we could not have accomplished alone. Being a Managing Director does not accommodate that kind of flow experience unfortunately. Perhaps the Peter Principle is not the issue but rather the principle where you are promoted out of your flow. Maybe that’s why management is so grumpy and demanding.

Finding your passion can be automatic or it can take decades. As a parent, my role is to nurture them and to facilitate their path, not to push in a direction that I see. I'd like to be an enabler to them and if they take 30 years to find their passion, it was faster than me.

Finding flow can be a challenging exercise, that can take a really long time. No-one can really push you there – you do have to find it yourself. At 40 years old I’m still exploring aspects of myself, discovering what I loved when I was younger, and formulating ideas on what my future could look like. Although I’m not known for my patience, I believe rushing things would be a big mistake. My priority now is to recover to full health and while doing so, experience more things that I enjoy. Hopefully along the way my future career passion will come to light.

What makes you mad?

A few of the articles and blog posts I've read recommend that you notice when you're getting mad. What accomplishments, jobs or activities of other people get you riled up? The emotion might also be envy. I gave it a lot of thought and I discovered I had experienced these emotions in two areas.

Firstly, those yoga moms who saunter out of their Porsche Cayenne, dripping with jewellery and looking awfully smug. I remember when I was on leave, getting very irritated when I did yoga at 9:30 am and seeing a mom from school in the class. It’s not that I wish I were not working, because I know that I have to work to remain sane. It’s more that they have freedom to look after themselves and there is still enough money to support a family. I've sacrificed a great deal of earnings over the past five years in order to run the business. Not only did I spend all day doing what I didn't enjoy, but I had no time for myself. Being unhappy with my routine of getting kids to school and feeling that I had to be at the office ‘just in case’, caused me to resent the people who have the flexibility for a mid-morning yoga class.

In the past few months, I have had the personal insight that I’d prefer to have flexible time and not be desk-bound all day. I’d gladly take a pay cut to enjoy more flexible hours and be able to spend some time looking after myself and helping my kids. I now have a healthy respect for those who have organised their schedules in such a way to bring in money but also enjoy life. There are those who work a four day week or those who work for a few hours in the morning and spend time with their kids in the afternoons. How have you arranged your working life around your needs?

The second thing that stirred up emotion for me was those who have written books. One that comes to mind is a friend who published a book in 2013. I most definitely was not mad because he’s truly a valuable person with much insight to offer. I wish him all the success with the book, the proceeds of which he even gives to charity. Not to mention the fact that we were featured in the book for our financial savvy! But I did feel envious when the book got published and remember wishing that I could publish a book.

I went to a seminar about six months ago and the very flashy presenter with tight pants and a shimmering smile spoke of ‘writing’ his book. He quite openly admitted that it was too much trouble to actually write the book and he had outsourced it.  At that moment, my dream diminished substantially. Nevertheless, I have not let go of that dream to write a book myself, with my own special flavour and style, that at least my friends will read.

I have spoken about the process of finding your passion and not to worry too much about monetising it initially. At first I wondered why you would write and publish something for someone else. It’s as hard as being a surrogate mother. But I suppose it’s not that strange that people are ghost writers since it’s a method of turning writing into revenue, which you cannot fault anyone for doing.

I previously did consulting work and do still enjoy putting together the documentation. For some, it is torture and they’d outsource it gladly. For me, it is the real joy of structuring solutions and making recommendations from a broad range of inputs. Another insight is that I'd like to include writing in my future career. Writing a book may end up being a personal goal or a hobby if you wish, but that’s fine too. The process of writing brings flow to my day and that's what I need. 

Initial research around 'How To Find Your Passion'

Some say passion is not something you can ‘find’. It’s not a noun and it’s not hiding somewhere to be discovered. I’m not sure I agree. Some people advocate waiting for your passion to find you. I disagree. I think that in the act of looking, you are more open to things that you may not have noticed before. In my search, I’m forging new relationships, meeting new people, discovering new fields of interest which could lead me to my career or life passion. 

I’m a pretty practical person and I do find this journey I’m on to be quite difficult. Spending time just focussing on healing, is rather frustrating for me since I’m an action-oriented problem solver. I find it hard to wait it out without taking action. So I've been reading up on what other people have written on the method of finding one’s passion. I've included some themes and have referenced the blogs I found most relevant for me.

Identify your talents, things you love, things you dream about, careers you thought you’d do when you were a kid. Think about things that make you feel connected to a purpose or a vision. Figure out when you’re in flow or when you used to be, if you have lost touch like I have. Some triggers could be asking yourself what you would do if you had infinite money; or thinking about what dreams you have given up on. Identify the themes in your life and your limiting beliefs. What are you telling yourself that you’ll never be or do?

Another way of looking at this is thinking about your legacy. I was once asked in a job interview what will be written on my tombstone. I didn't answer the question well, but it is a worthwhile exercise thinking about how we want to be remembered. Are you being true to your talents and your integrity?

Brainstorm around what you could do and try to suspend judgment initially. Don’t try to think about the competitive landscape or how you’d monetize it straight away. Doing this might discount something that could lead to a much happier existence. Some people find it useful to write down what other people say they are good at. However, don’t exclude anything that you’re not yet good at because it is possible to learn new skills in your area of passion.

Appreciate your uniqueness, what makes you special. Remember that each of us have something new to bring and recognise that not everyone thinks like you do. Appreciating yourself often opens your eyes to what you love and can help in the brainstorming process.

Slow down and do things like meditation and enjoying the silence. Enjoy the process and the questions – don’t rush. Chances are if you’re feeling in a state of flux, you’re not in the best position to make good decisions. Slowing things down also helps us listen to new opportunities that come our way. They are hard to grab onto if we’re not paying attention. Admittedly, I find this quite difficult but I have even downloaded an app to help me with meditation.

Clear the clutter - literally rid your cupboards of clutter and make space for the new. Learn to say no to things you don’t like, or want. Also consider clearing out emotional baggage by asking yourself what you need to let go of (guilt, anger, resentment). This may also be a time to terminate toxic relationships. Who in your life is hurting you so much that life is better without them? You can choose who you have in your life.

Sample some of the things you've identified as options. This may mean signing up for courses, starting a new hobby or reconnecting with one you've stopped. You could join volunteer groups, attend seminars or read books in your area of interest. Do some research and find out what people are doing. Pay attention to whether you’re still enjoying it as much as you’d hoped to, and make sure you’re having fun. This might be a time to filter things out of your list or focus on one or two.

Interview people who are doing what you've identified as a possible option. Ask about pitfalls and highlights, and find out how they make money from their talent. You can also seek out mentors and find people to support you on the journey of discovery. Change is easier when you surround yourself with people who believe in you.

An aspect of running a business that I really enjoyed was Marketing. I had a lot of fun experimenting with various media and cultivating a brand for our business. From the business not having a website when I joined, I carved out a unique brand with some beautiful elements (created by some very talented people).

In this process, I started to realise that I might become the face of debit order transactions. I could have pushed in that direction and positioned myself as the expert if I applied myself. But I deliberately didn't do that because I really didn't want to be known as that expert. Nothing against anyone who does, but it is not my passion and I was uncomfortable with the thought. Douglas Kruger wrote a solid guide to positioning yourself as an industry expert in Own Your Industry.  The more I read about it, the more uncomfortable I became. That helped me realise that I was indeed on the wrong path. I’d rather be remembered being a champion for loving your work, than one of debits.

I believe my future is connected with writing and spreading the philosophy of working in flow. I have about 25 to 30 years left of my career, hopefully. I can’t imagine devoting that level of effort and time to something I don’t enjoy. There are far too many people drudging through jobs they hate and spending decades looking forward to retirement. Why not construct your life around what you love so that you savour each day and stop wishing for some future that might not be there?

References

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/prescriptions-life/201205/five-steps-finding-your-passion

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/try-this-if-youre-struggling-to-find-your-passion/

http://amylynnandrews.com/how-to-find-your-passion/

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/8-ways-to-discover-your-passion-and-live-a-life-you-love/

http://fullife-coach.com/reignite-career-passion/

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/finding-your-special-thing-connect-with-your-passion/

When are you in Flow?

One of the most meaningful books I've read is Flow by Mihaly Csikszentmilalyi. He conducted research in countries all over the world to understand the concept of people being in ‘flow’ – a state ‘in which a person performing an activity is fully immersed in a feeling of energized focus, full involvement, and enjoyment in the process of the activity’. 

He identifies elements of enjoyment to be:

·         Intense and focused concentration on the present moment

·         Deep but effortless involvement that is all-consuming

·         We have a chance of completing the task

·         The task has clear goals

·         We receive immediate feedback

·         We can exercise control over actions

·         Concern for self disappears but emerges stronger afterwards

·         Sense of duration of time is altered – time flies or time stands still

In my personal life, I've been able to achieve flow through running. The contribution to my life in the past ten years has been substantial. The feeling of being fit enough to run an ultra-marathon is amazing. When you’re running ‘in the zone’ as many call it, all of the above criteria are fulfilled.

It really has nothing to do with flow but probably the best part of running for me is the camaraderie. I’m not a particularly fast runner but I’m able to persevere through long distance. My favourite times were the morning training runs with the girls: the laughter, the bonding and enjoying mutual progress towards our individual goals. The duel effect of being able to discuss your troubles and share ideas while releasing endorphins, has the ability to bring down cortisol levels. I have indeed missed running and today I took a slow walk as I’m allowed to start exercising again. I am deeply concerned that I’ll never be able to do an ultra-marathon again, given my health condition and the fact that the training puts a lot of strain on the body. But I am at least improving and being able to exercise is a great blessing.

Although I have experienced flow early in my career, my Managing Director role offered none whatsoever. Looking at the elements of enjoyment, things that stands out for me is that we have a chance of completing the task and that receiving immediate feedback. Building a business is very slow and there is not really an end. Many factors are outside your control and even though you set targets, there are so many factors that can interfere with your efforts. I’m not known for my patience and enduring five years of struggle for a business to turn around is really too long for me.

Did you notice how flow includes being in the present moment and intense concentration? Being able to concentrate fully is important and that can be hard to achieve in an open-plan office environment, especially for an introvert. I wonder how much our working environment supports us being in flow, and being able to deliver the best outcomes we are cable of.

I believe it to be really worthwhile to find flow in our work. Many people have found their passion and engineered their lives to make a living out of it. For some it may happen by chance but for others, it is a calculated effort. I’m most fascinated by those who have made a radical change of industry or role. I’d love to write a book about the journey of finding a career passion and am really interested in the stories of those who have travelled this path.

I’m reading The How of Happiness by Sonja Lyubomirsky at the moment and the first chapter includes the revelation that of our happiness, 40% can be influence by us. The author is almost snobbish about ‘anecdotal’ books on finding happiness but the good news is that the metrics in her book are based on empirical studies and scientific research. If our disposition is fixed and our circumstances cannot be fully controlled, at least the remaining 40% can be influenced by our own thoughts and actions. That is tremendously empowering. How much effort are you making to improve the quality of your life and to centre your work around flow experiences?

Introduction

I've recently been diagnosed with a stress-induced life-long condition. This has caused me to re-evaluate my life and ensure that I make the rest of it meaningful and intention-filled. I've also just turned 40 so I figure the Universe is telling me to take stock.

To me, being happy is the most important thing in life. Happiness is not wealth, or stuff, but people and being the best person I can be. I read an article recently about the regrets people have when they’re close to death. The underlying theme is relationships and this is something that has come up a lot in my life. 

I’m not particularly a people’s person but I am a people-pleaser (or an Obliger as Gretchen Rubin would say). I’m an introvert and get very tired being around people a lot. Taking time to recharge can be very difficult in a house where the little people follow me to the toilet. That being said, I do love people and need them in my day.

I’m blessed to have a wonderful husband and two amazing little girls who are the source of great joy for me. They drive me nuts too, don’t get me wrong. We live in a great home with fun, noise and laughter. I value my friends a lot, although I’m not a very good friend. Perhaps once I've finished my journey I’ll be a better friend.

The primary source of stress in my life has always been work. Since I've started working, I've tried really hard to give it my best and with reasonable success. The last five years of my career have been the hardest by far. I've been managing a business I took over from my father. I learned a great deal but I have discovered over the past few months that it is not my passion and never will be. Living someone else’s dream is not the path to happiness.

I've subscribed to many newsletters and have been watching TED talks and reading numerous books on the search for happiness. I've learned some wonderful things and I don’t remember a time when I've grown so much inside. And maybe outside from not being allowed to exercise!

I believe that meaning is the most important aspect of making our work-lives happy. That’s why I left the corporate world – I didn't have meaning. And after just having had a child, my world was full of meaning at home. The stark contrast at work was too much to bear. I jumped into the family business head first and started learning and learning and learning. I made mistakes but I also had successes and loved the ability to steer the ship myself into a direction that I decided. I made sure I measured the results and that was really fulfilling, when I got it right.

What was fundamentally missing from this equation was that I was not being true to my self. I think that relationships with people are important but the one with yourself is a non-negotiable! I’m a right-brained person doing admin and accounting for most of my day. I’m an introvert, trying to sell. I have a lot of things to offer but they won’t be found when I’m in the foetal position trying to recover from doing things I hate, and being who I’m not. I need to know myself well enough and be kind to myself to make sure I'm ok too. Something mothers sometimes don't get right.

I strongly believe that we can engineer our own lives to be happy. I’m always going on about how happiness is a choice. There are too many miserable people in the world, not doing a thing to change their circumstances. And now I find myself with a serious illness that is keeping me from any kind of exercise. The same person who runs ultra-marathons for fun. What I am forced into now is rest and recovery. It’s boring, very boring.

But this is my journey and there is something important to learn from this experience. This may just be the catalyst that my life needed to be overflowing with joy – not only from my family but from my work too.

So if you’re interested, please follow me on my journey to design a new career, based on what I truly love.