Despair

I have always judged people who run away from their families harshly. But not anymore. I understand why people run away from their children. I too, feel that despair today. The childcare is completely relentless. As a person struggling with illness, it doesn’t take away their need for love, attention, food, fun etc. It never gets easier, it’s a never-ending struggle and you completely lose sight of yourself. Between the lunches, the demands of the teachers, homework and relentless feeding, pouring juice, wiping bottoms, there is nothing left for me. I don’t have the strength to care for myself, let alone these kids.

I have felt that I really wished to be hospitalised with this illness. Even for three days, just to have someone feed me and care for me and to let me read and sleep. I’m the only one around me who seems to understand that it’s pretty serious. I’m the only one who can feel my exhaustion and know how much strength it takes to get out of bed and out into the cold to take a child to school. As much as your loved ones say they care, compassion runs out at some point. People get sick of helping the one who has always been so capable. Well, just so you know, I’m sick of it too. I’m sick of feeling tired and having headaches and struggling to do the things normal people do. I’m sick of asking for help and compassion. I’m sick of it all but I don’t get to escape this fatigue.

The exhaustion makes me ratty and I end up shouting at the kids. Then I feel guilty for being a bad parent and yelling at them all the time. But I just can’t seem to see a way out.I can't go out to escape them because I'm really exhausted most of the time and going out makes me even more tired. But they are here, all the time, wanting things from me. Even when I have a nap, I feel obliged to get up after an hour or so because they might be starving, or without toilet paper or cold or lonely. The feeling that their 24 hour care is on your shoulders entirely is a great responsibility and there is no respite. That in itself is exhausting. Just to have to be the responsible one all the time. 

I love my children too much to run away from them. But I’m really exhausted. Weekends are hard. Today I feel that it is hopeless for me to have any dreams at all. How can I aspire to be anything and to follow my destiny when I’m so exhausted from just parenting? I can’t follow my life passion because I’m too busy just keeping them alive. At times I wish I had no ambition. I wish I was born being content to do the lowliest of jobs and to merely exist. Then I wouldn’t feel this despair of not being able to follow my dreams.

So what should I choose? Neglect the kids and get myself well so that I can have some future to look forward to? Or care for them and take months or years to recover fully? It wont do them a lot of good to have a mother devoid of hope. If anyone has any advice or solutions, let me know. 

Are Teachers always Right?

When we were children our parents held authority in high esteem. Teachers, policemen, priests and doctors were treated with a sort of reverence. Now our society has become less trusting with the exposure of paedophile priests and corrupt police. We have learned that they are only people and we have the right to challenge them in the best interest of our family and our health.

This week I’ve been quite upset by an ‘issue’ raised by my six-year-old’s teacher. She was implying that our daughter has ADHD and requires medication to calm her down. My initial reaction was confusion because that’s not my experience of my daughter. I thought about my child’s enthusiasm and how much energy she has. Of course, having serious fatigue makes some parts of caring for kids very difficult. Mealtimes are a real strain and this particular daughter is not a great eater. I started to wonder if the teacher had a point.

And then I took a step back and tried to see my child as objectively as I can. I saw a little girl who can follow a long series of instructions, who can sit for hours doing a puzzle well beyond her age category, who gets so immersed in her art and drawing that we have to pester her to go to bed. She can sit quietly for hours doing things that she enjoys, she has good friendships at school and is responsible with her belongings.  Being a December baby, she is a full year younger than some peers in our schooling system. And yet she is just as capable.

Looking at my daughter in this way left me feeling a range of emotions. Firstly, guilt that I even considered the teacher could be right. And anger that the teacher is so ready to medicate my child as the first course of action. I’d guess that my daughter is probably bored as she is on top of all the work and is a creative person. The repetitive routine of the lessons is probably not that enthralling.

And then I felt a strange sensation about my childhood and I realised for the first time that my parents never gave me the benefit of the doubt when challenged by authority figures. It was probably linked to the ‘children should be seen but not heard’ upbringing that my parents had. But I felt that they didn’t trust me above an outsider in a position of authority. The feeling that your parents aren’t on your side can have a detrimental effect on self-esteem.

I sometimes chuckle at those parents who are so fervent in defending their child, even if it’s quite clear that they were in the wrong. Yes, it is important to be fair, but I never want my children to feel that I’m not in their corner. I want them to know that I have their back regardless. Those parents are getting it right in supporting their children and giving them that sensation of being loved unconditionally.

At this age, children become quite pushy and tend to make more demands.  I get ordered around not to sing in the car and to put on this song and turn off that song. In trying to make sure my needs are met, I’m conscious of not giving in to every demand. But it also occurs to me that they don’t have a car in which they can decide the music. This is the time for them to start asserting themselves and it’s quite cute to watch them getting interested in music that is not sung by a purple dinosaur.  

What followed for me felt like a rush of love, acceptance and approval of my beautiful, intelligent and capable child. I looked at her with a new respect and I sincerely hope that I can help her to keep her strong resolve and be unfazed by those who don’t appreciate her worth. 

Start as You Mean to Go On

Being an efficiency freak, I like to optimise almost everything I do. I find better ways to get school lunch ready and try to work in parallel in the kitchen as much as possible. While the kettle is boiling, I quickly get other things done and I’m always aware of starting the longest thing first. In a way, I apply Project Management principles to most things I do, working along the critical path.

So when I had children my life was turned upside down. No longer did I have the time to do all the things that I could previously do. It took hours to get ready for a short outing and just at the time of leaving the house, a change of clothes would be required for various reasons known to mothers. Something had to give and I must have made the (very poor) decision that it was my own self-care. 

Many times when I had a pedicure in the past, the beauty therapist told me things like “You really should moisturise your feet”. I couldn't help but be amazed that mothers had the time to put cream on their bodies at all, let alone their feet. What would they be doing while the cream was sinking in? I kept thinking that this woman probably doesn't have kids and she most definitely is not a business owner.

I also remember thinking that our paediatrician is insane for wearing beads and dangly earrings. I stopped accessorising because small children tend to grab things. I thought to myself that I’ll wear fun things again when they are bigger. As much as delayed gratification is a good quality, it can be taken too far if it interferes with self-care. The paediatrician has a constant stream of little kids through her rooms and there’s no good reason for her to stop dressing as she wants to. I stifled my own creativity and pushed my needs aside. I should have just found a way to manage and still be myself.

I read many books before becoming a mother in order to know what to do. It didn't really help that much, and I had to fumble my way through the first few years. The advice other people gave was best for their family but not for mine. One piece of advice from Tracy Hogg is truly a gem, however: Start as you mean to go on. In other words, don’t start something that you must change later, such as baby sleeping in your bed.

One thing I was strict on was the sleeping arrangement. My babies slept in a bassinet next to my bed for the first few nights and then into their room thereafter. I didn't encourage them to sleep in my bed because I knew it would be hard to get them out. The sleep deprivation with a newborn and recovery from pregnancy is enough. One doesn't need to be woken by a gurgling infant very few minutes. 

I think that this principle of start as you mean to go on, should really be applied more broadly. In a new job, in a new relationship, in accessorising around little children. I know that I had the thought many times in my business that I will be able to follow my dreams as soon as I turn this business around. Looking back, I can't believe I put my own dreams, needs and interests on hold for so long. I didn't realise just how much harm it would cause me. 

With Mother's Day yesterday I was amused to see how my girls scrambled around to tidy the house to help me. It has taken our family, including me, some adjusting to care for me. They mimic what they see and if I never care for myself, they seem to have trouble doing it too. But from what I saw yesterday, we have evolved and we now look after Mom in this house because we want her to go the distance.

Consequences of Courage

Anyone who knows me well knows that I’m pretty even in temperament. I don’t like drama and I promote harmony wherever I go. I don’t lose my temper easily, with probably the exception of the past few months where my irritability has been obvious. This is a not-too-surprising symptom of Graves’ disease and of someone under extreme stress for a long time.

In your twenties and thirties, you don’t give a lot of thought to your childhood and things that went wrong in your past, unless of course, they were catastrophic. There have been two patches in my life when I've really thought extensively about my childhood. Firstly, on having children because you naturally consider what kind of a parent you’d like to be. You think about how you would like your children to experience their childhood. Turning forty was also a time of reflection in that I consider myself to be half way through, or thereabouts, of my life and I’m considering how the next half will look. My diagnosis has also been a catalyst at this time to consider my past and to design my future.

So, in thinking about my childhood and my past, sadly not a lot of good memories come to me. I was more neglected than anything I suppose and there was just not a lot of happiness. In my learning recently about growing as a person, I've done expressive writing to release the strong emotions, I've done visualisation exercises to let it go and I've written forgiveness letters to the people who have wronged me, which don't have to be sent by the way.

I can’t help but be affected by recalling the events that have caused me sadness in my past. I've protected my family on more than one occasion from a physically abusive bully. I've protected my business from an angry hammer-wielding family member who smashed up the office. I've been a victim of a car hi-jacking and being held up in my home. I've been subject to a lot of violence and volatile behaviour of the people around me. And in all circumstances, I was the level-headed one who stepped up, even at 17 years old, when the adults failed to do so.

I've always thought of myself as courageous and that those events helped mould me into who I am today. I've been proud of myself for standing in the face of danger to protect everyone. But I didn't consider at what cost to myself. Perhaps in my compulsion to restore order, I've taken the hit personally each time. Maybe all those events have something to do with my diagnosis.  It’s possible that the feeling of disappointment of those who should have been protecting me, has caused me a lot of stress too.

It’s certain that my health started deteriorating after one of those violent events, at a time when I was really already exhausted from sleep deprivation that comes with having a small baby. And that was about three years ago. The decline has been steady as I have failed to protect myself from those who harm me repeatedly. I kept thinking that family is the most important thing in life and you can never turn your back on them. I kept hoping for the love and support that is supposed to come from a parent. It took a diagnosis of a life-long condition for me to wake up and realise that I really needed to protect myself above all because no-one else was going to do it.

I’m doing my best to not blame those who have caused me harm, but it isn't easy. The path to happiness and personal growth does not include blame. It includes forgiveness, compassion and focussing on what you can do to be a better person.

When I look at my children, particularly when they’re asleep, I’m overwhelmed by the blessing of parenthood and of their innocence. The responsibility to raise them as happy independent people with solid values and humble confidence is substantial. But what a privilege at the same time. They are truly the source of great joy - why would anyone opt out or take that for granted? I know that I’m in charge of my life and I know that I'll love, accept and support them always, without burdening them with my bad decisions.

We have all experienced sad and painful events in our past. We all have some burdens we carry with us, despite our efforts to let go. The trick is not to let them rule you. The trick is to overcome and to succeed despite your past. 

Passion Pushers

I read an article today about how parents are doing their children a disservice by pushing them to find their passions. Pushing your kids to succeed in a way that helps them get the most out of themselves can be really beneficial. Pushing them to a point where they are unhappy or in negative stress, is just bad parenting.

I’m a huge fan of Elizabeth Gilbert. She knew that writing is what she wanted to do from early on in life. She has also commented on how some of her friends are multi-talented and how that can make it difficult to find your passion. Each path is probably worth exploring, at least a little until you’re ready to make a choice. Ideally, that choice should not be based on how much money you can make, or pressure from anyone, but rather on how you find meaning. 

People discover their passions at varying stages of their lives. I have enjoyed many areas in my past and currently my career path is changing, half way through my career. It might not even end up being that different from my past, but I will be sure that it’s implemented on purpose.  When my parents where choosing a career the options went something like doctor, dentist, lawyer, teacher, secretary. Now, the mere options are inexhaustible and with technology shaping the world so dramatically, the future is open to so much more.

I remember being asked interview questions like “Where will you be in ten years’ time?” I always thought that it’s a ridiculous question because we simply cannot predict the opportunities that come our way. That seems like quite a reactive thought to have, but early on in my career I found it difficult to have a strong vision. Only once I really had exposure to the things I enjoyed and didn't enjoy, did I start to form an idea of where I’m going. Now I also realise that I may not have pursued the correct passion, although I've had success. The Best Possible Future Self I developed at age 25 would look really different from the one I've created recently. 

It can be a minefield to navigate, and a decision can only be made once you know yourself well. I believe it takes courage to change career paths since it challenges your identity and how people see you. But it's naive to expect to know everything at the start. 

This week I watched a documentary on the band Queen. Watching footage of how they found inspiration for some famous songs, was truly amazing. The reading I've done on finding your flow emphasises the need for concentration, and typically that needs to happen while you’re alone. How wonderful that a group of four people, each bringing their special talents to the mix, can participate in a flow experience regularly to create something so beautiful.

I suppose I have had discussions in my work environment with Software Developers where we debated and discussed the solutions, and together found a great result that we could not have accomplished alone. Being a Managing Director does not accommodate that kind of flow experience unfortunately. Perhaps the Peter Principle is not the issue but rather the principle where you are promoted out of your flow. Maybe that’s why management is so grumpy and demanding.

Finding your passion can be automatic or it can take decades. As a parent, my role is to nurture them and to facilitate their path, not to push in a direction that I see. I'd like to be an enabler to them and if they take 30 years to find their passion, it was faster than me.

Finding flow can be a challenging exercise, that can take a really long time. No-one can really push you there – you do have to find it yourself. At 40 years old I’m still exploring aspects of myself, discovering what I loved when I was younger, and formulating ideas on what my future could look like. Although I’m not known for my patience, I believe rushing things would be a big mistake. My priority now is to recover to full health and while doing so, experience more things that I enjoy. Hopefully along the way my future career passion will come to light.

Self Esteem and Nourishment

Self-esteem was not a big focus when I was a child. Parents were metaphorically patting themselves on the back if they provided food, housing, clothing and education. How things have changed in recent times. There appears to have been a strong movement, even beyond the psychology of childhood experiences to positive psychology. The focus these days is more on how to become a happier person. Less dwelling on the past, looking for causes of unhappiness, and more focus on how to nurture yourself. After all, the experiences we have gained, both good and bad, have shaped us into who we are today. Many of the difficult experiences I had as a child have shown me something about myself and what I’m capable of.

My mother always talked about people being ‘insipid’ as if it were the worst thing in the world.  Being an introvert, it was not very natural for me to seek the limelight and I still feel quite uncomfortable being centre of attention. I found my wedding ceremony most difficult with the emotions running high; trying to keep my beautiful make-up from smudging; and all those people looking expectantly at me to do the right thing. The relief of the service being over is blatantly obvious in the photos.

It was probably one of my greatest fears as a teenager and young adult to be boring or insipid. These days I’m certain that I may seem boring to many but also interesting to some. Last year when my highlights either grew out or wore out, I was referred to as a ‘librarian’ at a children’s party by the magician. Not that he’s someone I’m really trying to impress but it tickled that fear of being insipid once again and galvanised me into the salon.

I cut alcohol out of my diet a few years ago. I’m not an alcoholic although it does run in my family. I cut it out because I felt it was not serving me. My health started to deteriorate about three years ago after a traumatic event and has steadily declined. I have a wonderful book called Healing Foods by Margaret Roberts which discusses the links between health problems and the food we eat.

Being individuals, I believe that some foods just don’t sit well with some, but have no effect on another person. My husband can glug back litres of milk which would make me gag. There are, of course, foods that are harmful to everyone. The danger foods in the book for almost all conditions are sugar, fried foods, processed foods, alcohol, caffeine and sometimes refined carbohydrates and dairy. I cut out alcohol because I just didn't feel good and I believed it to be affecting my already fragile health. So that may make me more boring socially but I don’t regret it and I don’t miss it really. Well, apart from a nice port in winter!

My six-year-old is also an introvert although she’s very friendly and confident. I think it was her third birthday and we had a big party at our house. Everyone gathered round and sang a hearty happy birthday. Once she blew out the candles, she asked me quietly if she could please go to her room. She retreated to the safety of her bedroom and emerged about ten minutes later, having recovered from the intense attention.

For years I feel that I’ve been neglecting my needs and prioritising other people’s needs. This is probably rooted in my childhood where we were raised with a strong focus on consideration for other people. I also embed this in my parenting because I think it is a quality that is rare today and endears one to others. However, I will also ensure that my children know when to care for themselves. As mentioned in my previous post, making sure I have some fun in my day is medicine for me, particularly now. I’m starting to say things like “Mommy also needs some time for herself” to make sure they realise I’m not only here to serve them, and also to embed in them the idea that it's OK to care for yourself.

Does your self-esteem need some repair? Some books I've read ask if you’d keep yourself as a friend considering the way you speak about you. It’s something to think about and a worthy exercise to pay attention to what you tell yourself. When I look in the mirror I usually think ‘You look tired’ and I quickly try to add something like ‘but happy’ at the end when I catch myself doing it.  I’m paying attention to what I eat, particularly as my thyroid slows down (yikes!) and to how I am nurturing myself in this recovery period.

Gratitude, Meditation and Mindfulness

On my journey of ensuring my future job is filled with meaning, I’m going to give myself some homework. I’d like to research what other people have done and to investigate things that interest me. It’s hard to learn if you’re not open to discover things you know very little about. It may mean taking some risks and opening myself up to things that have previously been a bit scary.

I think some of the things people have done to be happier and less stressed in their lives, not necessarily in their work, are things like focusing on gratitude, meditation and mindfulness.

Gratitude is a really obvious one to me. I've noticed that grateful people are happy people. I know people who have so very much and have had all the opportunities in the world to be happy, yet their focus is on what they don’t have and what others have instead. I also know people who have very little and are leading lives of contentment. They make do with what they have, and their focus is family and love.

Those of you with small children will know that they are comforted with routine. They feel safe knowing that we do the same steps each night before bedtime. We have started a habit with our three-year-old to say what she calls ‘Thank You For’ every night. Thank You for our family, thank You for our home, thank You for all the fun today. I’m building a culture of gratitude in our home such that they focus on what they have and be glad for it.

Many of you may have seen the 100 Days of Happiness project last year. To focus on even the small things that make us happy, is a commendable initiative and the fact that it was on social media made it spread. I read some scathing article urging people to keep their happiness to themselves. If ever I saw someone who needed to actively focus on happiness!

Meditation has been a tricky one for me. I’m a bit of a fidget and although I love the peace of silence, I do battle to sit or lie for a long time doing ‘nothing’. I may have gotten into bad habits being a mother of small children in that there is always something to do, tidy up or prepare for tomorrow.  I Googled how to meditate and was relieved to hear that I only need to start with two to three minutes each time. So I’m doing that for now and hopefully I’ll get better at it. My condition leads to sleep disturbances, aggravated by the odd nightmare or blankie being lost in the night. Rest is of primary importance at the moment so disturbed sleep is a real issue for me. I have noticed though, on the days I do some solid meditation (albeit for a few minutes), I do tend to sleep better.

What does it mean to be mindful? Wikipedia defines it as “the intentional, accepting and non-judgemental focus of one's attention on the emotions, thoughts and sensations occurring in the present moment", which can be trained by meditational practices derived from Buddhist anapanasati”. Being mindful is so tightly linked with happiness. Let’s stop chasing the next thing, hoping it will lead to happiness. Happiness is enjoying the moment and being grateful for it. Matt Killingsworth investigated how staying in the moment enhances happiness by his interesting research.

Our lives have become so hurried that it is very hard to enjoy the moment. It’s something I’m going to be focussing on in the coming months. Hopefully the meditation and mindfulness go hand in hand. I’m enjoying these amazing years of parenting small children, watching the joy they experience in the small things.My gratitude is mostly around my immediate family 

and the great blessing of being a parent.