Firebreak

This weekend I went on a women’s retreat. On the first night I admitted to the ladies that I was really there to escape my children. Of course, I also went to renew myself and spend some time alone. It is the first time I have attended a retreat and I’m glad to say that there were no intolerable team exercises or war cries. The activities included art, dancing and reflection (including guided meditation).

I enjoyed the art tremendously and experienced true flow while constructing my pieces. The dancing was more difficult for me in that I am inhibited and restrained. I think my health concerns have led me to not trust my body anymore. The concept of free flow dancing makes me quite uncomfortable but I participated nonetheless. I found that the more I let go, the more I enjoyed myself. 

There were wonderful opportunities for solitude and reflection which I enjoyed thoroughly. Aligned with my current path of restoring myself and finding some peace, the quiet was something I really needed. I was able to let go of a major fear that has been holding me back. I feel a greater clarity of purpose going forward in my life and I've pumped up my happiness level, even if just for a while.

Something that I did not anticipate was that I’d really enjoy the people. Usually in a group there is one irritating person who talks too much and asks too many questions. But the group of people were genuine, supportive and nurturing. Being an introvert I do struggle with new people and these days I am less willing to keep up a high-energy facade. The people seemed to accept me regardless, and I really enjoyed aspects of everyone on the retreat.

Something that I've often observed is how many people speak so badly about themselves, even to people they have just met. They are willing to expose so many flaws and yet they get coy when being complimented. We often struggle to accept positive feedback with grace, and will argue and disagree. It is far more gracious to accept compliments considering the word emanates from ‘gift’. I have read that we should ask ourselves whether we would keep a friend to talks to us in the same way we talk to ourselves. That helps to remind us to be kind to ourselves, and to notice and rectify negative self-talk.  

While spending time on self-improvement it is expected that personal insights emerge. I have always resisted leadership and sticking my head above the crowd. Being an introvert I am often quite uncomfortable being centre of attention, despite the fact that I often end up there anyway. I was flabbergasted to be selected as a prefect at school. The first time I rose up in the corporate ladder, it was my team members who suggested that I should put my name forward when our manager moved on to greener pastures. It occurred to me that everyone else can see me as a leader and someone who can really shine. It’s time I transform my thinking and take my place as an eagle instead of a timid chicken.

While driving back, I encountered a large fire on both sides of the highway. In parts of our country the climate can be very dry, leading to bush fires. Often farmers intentionally create firebreaks to ensure that fires don’t spread too far and become catastrophic. With my health having been so poor in the past few years, it occurred to me that this retreat was like a firebreak, needed so that life does not engulf me.

I did think about my family a lot and I missed them. Getting home I appreciated my sweet girls, my husband, my own bed and shower. However, the feeling on the weekend of not being relied upon for every conceivable eventuality was an enormous relief. I will most definitely make an annual event for myself to get away and to care for myself, even if it’s just to feel that relief again.

I believe there is no greater investment than to invest in yourself. Once you start working on yourself and letting your creativity out, life's treasures start unfolding. I'm ready to embrace them and to see where it takes me. 

Creativity: The Secret to All Things Good

I marvel at what people can create. Just looking at paintings, drawings and sculptures reveals the diversity of talent in our world. Even people who are not artists create beautiful things every day. I enjoy crochet and knitting so I took a look at some of the creations shown on Tumblr and was astounded. I have friends who create the most spectacular cakes and baking creations, friends who take scrap booking to a new level, and I am by no means unique with the collection of people I know.

Years ago a school friend and I attended weekly classes to learn about stamping on cards, plate painting, decoupage and various other things. My friend’s mother joined in and the three of us had ‘play dates’ sharing our art supplies and creating some wonderful things. I always felt that their creations were so much better than mine. But looking back I also created some wonderful pieces of art and sadly, I have no idea how they were done. Once we had children, we stopped attending the classes and our play dates dried up.

We became parents and we stopped playing. Many of us have forgotten what it is to play and to have fun. Having children of my own I see how much fun they have while painting. I habitually resist their painting at home because the tidying up rests with me and I find it most unpleasant. Perhaps this is one of the lessons I still need to learn and sometime soon I will embrace their painting and to dive in too.

This weekend I am attending a women’s retreat. I keep telling myself my primary reason for going is to escape my children but to be honest, it’s more than that. It’s allowing myself to invest in me. I think it is a key part of my recovery and I hope to make it an annual occasion. The weekend includes expression through art and through dance and as I have mentioned in previous posts, self-expression really necessary for me.

I find music to be such an interesting form of expression. There are songs that are so joyful and others so full of pain that you can hear the suffering in the words. How blessed are the artists who can express emotions through such a medium.

About a year ago I was going to a coach and I remember telling her how much joy I get from creating crochet blankets. I made one for a friend for her birthday a few years ago and she told me that it was the best present she had every received. I love the creative aspect of planning the pattern, colours and border. What I didn't tell my coach in so many words is that I enjoyed the blankets much more than work. Because at work I had no control over the goal and I was not able to be creative in my work. My work goals were extrinsic in that it was more for others, while creating a blanket is done for its own sake, an intrinsic purpose. Research shows that intrinsic goals make us happier.

It is true that I am undergoing a transformation from the stressed and unhappy person I was last year, to a fulfilled, peaceful person who is comfortable speaking her truth. Big change is happening in my body, in my life and my career. I choose to focus on what works for me and I unburden myself of the shackles of obligation to others. My journey has included a multitude of aspects including healing practices, diet change, exercise change, rest and meditation, focus on self-care, medication and supplements but most importantly, Creativity. 

You don’t have to be an artist to be creative. We are all born with creative talents which are sadly dormant in many of us. I’d encourage you to find some time to play or create in the next week. Express yourself in some way and note how it makes you feel. I have found that in writing, I am healing myself. It is in expressing my long-suppressed thoughts and ideas that I feel free.