Two Steps Backwards

Just as I thought I was approaching being in remission, my health has been deteriorating. The reason is achingly clear to me: I was not being true to myself. It is truly amazing to me how thoughts can create such an effect on the body. I have been under a little more strain at home with my husband being away recently. But the main issue has been that I have realised I simply cannot go back to my business, even in its altered form.

I have been on a medical sabbatical for three of the agreed four months. My business is transforming into a new entity, with new people and focusing on offering services that are more aligned with my interests than the previous company was. However, it’s still not my passion. It has made me wonder if I should ever have entered the corporate world and if I should have entered the IT industry. They seem quite far from who I am now, in a few short months of being away. As much as I appreciate the shareholders rearranging and accommodating me, I simply cannot enter a business that does not energise me. And it is not fair and honest to string them along for another month once I know that it’s not my future. It’s not fair on them and it’s causing internal discord with me, resulting in stress.

Once we have acknowledged that we require meaning in our lives, there is no turning back. Once we realise that we need to be congruent with our thoughts, words, family, friends, work, leisure and decisions, we cannot go against our true self. I have read The Alchemist this week and what perfect timing for me on my journey to fulfil my destiny. Once we have that hunger for our ‘treasure’, there is simply no alternative course of action. “The boy and his heart had become friends, and neither was capable now of betraying the other.” ~ Paulo Coelho

I know that my health has been improving since last year and I have started to measure  progress by how many hours of productive work I can do per day. I’m now able to do about three hours a day of meeting or writing until I start to feel fatigued. So with such limited time available, there is no room for people or activities that drain me. If I’m spending my only precious three hours per day on something that I don’t enjoy, I will never be well. And I will never have the strength or energy for the things that I do enjoy i.e. writing.

I will completely sabotage my recovery to date if I give into the need to make money and please others. How can I write this blog about following your passion, and spend hours a day doing something I hate? It would be too incongruent and would literally make me sicker.

As I have mentioned in a previous blog, I love Gary Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages. The book discusses the concept that we all have a ‘love tank’ that starts to diminish if we are not receiving love in the way we require it. The tank eventually gets empty and that’s when relationships break down. I think this wonderful concept can be extended to our own energy tanks too. I have given so much in the past that I am completely depleted. 

The stress of the past week has caused my energy tank to be so empty that I’m cancelling social engagements. I have to stay home, care for myself and start to fill the tank.

I have decided that I simply cannot return to my business. I am sorry to let the other shareholders down but I’m really in no position to give of myself for anyone else’s benefit. I need to fill my tank and I can only do that by doing things that I enjoy, like writing and creative activities that I can do at home.

I do find this set-back enormously disappointing and it’s hard not to feel completely despondent. What makes it worse is that people cannot see it. I still have people asking me if I’m doing any exercise. Would you ask someone with Cancer if they’re doing exercise? This illness is no joke, it’s not imaginary and I’m really struggling. Do I have to roll around on the floor to make people realise just how bad it is? That sounds like too much effort for someone with an empty tank.

It takes Courage to be Yourself

I've been thinking about how we become so conditioned by other people’s expectations of who we are and who we ought to be.

I attended university in Cape Town and I had to wait a year because my father didn't want me to leave home. I wonder what the cost of that year of earnings equates to, compounded over my career? Anyway, in my wisdom, it was a worth the wait and I found a good career path, nice and respectable. I’m learning now that I have other talents that could be used to make a more fulfilling career path for me in future.

Friends ridiculed me for my hip-swinging dancing style from the city. I had to adjust to the more alternative, grungy dance moves in order to fit it. Although I do like a lot of the music, it wasn't really me and I've never seen a convincing blonde Goth.

I've been wondering lately, with being a people-pleaser, how much of the real me has been lost along the way in order to fit in or gain approval. How often I bite my tongue for the sake of harmony and good manners. How often do I fail to speak up for my own needs and simply go along with what’s best for everyone else. When you do that, you never really end up doing what you want to do. And over time that can create a great deal of resentment, which is entirely your own fault. You can’t expect the world around you to read your mind and to know what you want. I’m guilty of this and I'm learning to speak my truth.

There are a lot of extroverts in my extended family. They have very strong opinions and they all shout each other down. Among them, I find myself just listening and making my own internal judgements. I’m afraid of retribution if I disagree and I’m afraid to be contradictory, which goes against my need for harmony. But this has stood in my way because they don’t really know me. If you had to ask them about what drives me and the things that I love doing, they would all struggle. But that’s not really their fault. Sure, it’s important to listen to those around you and to give people a chance to contribute to the conversation. But I should have fought for my own right to speak.

Speaking up for your beliefs, especially in the face of conflicting views, takes courage and strength. You must be prepared for people to judge you, to disagree with you and even to shun you. Some family members have been ex-communicated so the possibility does exist. But I've learned through my struggles lately, that it does you more harm to keep your truth inside.

I have failed to speak up when people hurt me in the past. I've failed to fight for my right to speak; to be treated fairly and to be loved and accepted for who I am. I think it’s a common problem for introverts and for people who like to keep the peace. But where are all those bottled up emotions and ideas going? Keeping it all inside is really not good for you. I’m exploring ways to express myself better, this blog being one of them.

I’m also conscious of not laying down expectations onto my kids. “Art is for hippies” or “you can’t make a living out of that”, will not be phrases that come from me as a parent. I want my children to follow their passions and the money will come. Loving what you do is far too important.

No-one becomes famous or achieves greatness from trying to fit in. It’s in celebrating your own uniqueness, that your true genius emerges. It’s imperative that we all learn to be comfortable with who we are and to speak our truth, no matter the consequences.