Firebreak

This weekend I went on a women’s retreat. On the first night I admitted to the ladies that I was really there to escape my children. Of course, I also went to renew myself and spend some time alone. It is the first time I have attended a retreat and I’m glad to say that there were no intolerable team exercises or war cries. The activities included art, dancing and reflection (including guided meditation).

I enjoyed the art tremendously and experienced true flow while constructing my pieces. The dancing was more difficult for me in that I am inhibited and restrained. I think my health concerns have led me to not trust my body anymore. The concept of free flow dancing makes me quite uncomfortable but I participated nonetheless. I found that the more I let go, the more I enjoyed myself. 

There were wonderful opportunities for solitude and reflection which I enjoyed thoroughly. Aligned with my current path of restoring myself and finding some peace, the quiet was something I really needed. I was able to let go of a major fear that has been holding me back. I feel a greater clarity of purpose going forward in my life and I've pumped up my happiness level, even if just for a while.

Something that I did not anticipate was that I’d really enjoy the people. Usually in a group there is one irritating person who talks too much and asks too many questions. But the group of people were genuine, supportive and nurturing. Being an introvert I do struggle with new people and these days I am less willing to keep up a high-energy facade. The people seemed to accept me regardless, and I really enjoyed aspects of everyone on the retreat.

Something that I've often observed is how many people speak so badly about themselves, even to people they have just met. They are willing to expose so many flaws and yet they get coy when being complimented. We often struggle to accept positive feedback with grace, and will argue and disagree. It is far more gracious to accept compliments considering the word emanates from ‘gift’. I have read that we should ask ourselves whether we would keep a friend to talks to us in the same way we talk to ourselves. That helps to remind us to be kind to ourselves, and to notice and rectify negative self-talk.  

While spending time on self-improvement it is expected that personal insights emerge. I have always resisted leadership and sticking my head above the crowd. Being an introvert I am often quite uncomfortable being centre of attention, despite the fact that I often end up there anyway. I was flabbergasted to be selected as a prefect at school. The first time I rose up in the corporate ladder, it was my team members who suggested that I should put my name forward when our manager moved on to greener pastures. It occurred to me that everyone else can see me as a leader and someone who can really shine. It’s time I transform my thinking and take my place as an eagle instead of a timid chicken.

While driving back, I encountered a large fire on both sides of the highway. In parts of our country the climate can be very dry, leading to bush fires. Often farmers intentionally create firebreaks to ensure that fires don’t spread too far and become catastrophic. With my health having been so poor in the past few years, it occurred to me that this retreat was like a firebreak, needed so that life does not engulf me.

I did think about my family a lot and I missed them. Getting home I appreciated my sweet girls, my husband, my own bed and shower. However, the feeling on the weekend of not being relied upon for every conceivable eventuality was an enormous relief. I will most definitely make an annual event for myself to get away and to care for myself, even if it’s just to feel that relief again.

I believe there is no greater investment than to invest in yourself. Once you start working on yourself and letting your creativity out, life's treasures start unfolding. I'm ready to embrace them and to see where it takes me. 

Consequences of Courage

Anyone who knows me well knows that I’m pretty even in temperament. I don’t like drama and I promote harmony wherever I go. I don’t lose my temper easily, with probably the exception of the past few months where my irritability has been obvious. This is a not-too-surprising symptom of Graves’ disease and of someone under extreme stress for a long time.

In your twenties and thirties, you don’t give a lot of thought to your childhood and things that went wrong in your past, unless of course, they were catastrophic. There have been two patches in my life when I've really thought extensively about my childhood. Firstly, on having children because you naturally consider what kind of a parent you’d like to be. You think about how you would like your children to experience their childhood. Turning forty was also a time of reflection in that I consider myself to be half way through, or thereabouts, of my life and I’m considering how the next half will look. My diagnosis has also been a catalyst at this time to consider my past and to design my future.

So, in thinking about my childhood and my past, sadly not a lot of good memories come to me. I was more neglected than anything I suppose and there was just not a lot of happiness. In my learning recently about growing as a person, I've done expressive writing to release the strong emotions, I've done visualisation exercises to let it go and I've written forgiveness letters to the people who have wronged me, which don't have to be sent by the way.

I can’t help but be affected by recalling the events that have caused me sadness in my past. I've protected my family on more than one occasion from a physically abusive bully. I've protected my business from an angry hammer-wielding family member who smashed up the office. I've been a victim of a car hi-jacking and being held up in my home. I've been subject to a lot of violence and volatile behaviour of the people around me. And in all circumstances, I was the level-headed one who stepped up, even at 17 years old, when the adults failed to do so.

I've always thought of myself as courageous and that those events helped mould me into who I am today. I've been proud of myself for standing in the face of danger to protect everyone. But I didn't consider at what cost to myself. Perhaps in my compulsion to restore order, I've taken the hit personally each time. Maybe all those events have something to do with my diagnosis.  It’s possible that the feeling of disappointment of those who should have been protecting me, has caused me a lot of stress too.

It’s certain that my health started deteriorating after one of those violent events, at a time when I was really already exhausted from sleep deprivation that comes with having a small baby. And that was about three years ago. The decline has been steady as I have failed to protect myself from those who harm me repeatedly. I kept thinking that family is the most important thing in life and you can never turn your back on them. I kept hoping for the love and support that is supposed to come from a parent. It took a diagnosis of a life-long condition for me to wake up and realise that I really needed to protect myself above all because no-one else was going to do it.

I’m doing my best to not blame those who have caused me harm, but it isn't easy. The path to happiness and personal growth does not include blame. It includes forgiveness, compassion and focussing on what you can do to be a better person.

When I look at my children, particularly when they’re asleep, I’m overwhelmed by the blessing of parenthood and of their innocence. The responsibility to raise them as happy independent people with solid values and humble confidence is substantial. But what a privilege at the same time. They are truly the source of great joy - why would anyone opt out or take that for granted? I know that I’m in charge of my life and I know that I'll love, accept and support them always, without burdening them with my bad decisions.

We have all experienced sad and painful events in our past. We all have some burdens we carry with us, despite our efforts to let go. The trick is not to let them rule you. The trick is to overcome and to succeed despite your past.