Mindfulness as a means to Reduce Suffering

As someone with a stress-induced illness, it’s clear that our thoughts affect our health. It is possible to change the quality of our thoughts to reduce the stress. It is possible, but not easy and I’m not getting it right. I have suffered a set-back in my health lately due to stress. Worrying about how my actions will affect others; thinking about how people will react to me wanting to live my life fully; worrying about how my new path defines me and what people will say about it.

You can see from the statements above is that these are all thoughts and worries about the future. Focussing on the present and where I am today is a healthier and more productive pastime. I don’t enjoy it though because it’s hard to face the reality of the state of my health. I look at others achieving their goals, doing ultra-marathons, volunteering to help others, enjoying social events and I feel so despondent. For a person who has always been goal-focussed and achievement oriented, this state of recovery is so very frustrating. I’m not achieving anything. I’ve tried to apply goal setting and structure with my self-care roster so that I feel empowered. Having a goal to recover just feels lame and a short bout of stress has knocked my progress back weeks.

It is impossible to live a life without stress. How will I survive if I can’t accommodate any stress? I’m trying to turn my energies to things that I can do at home: reading, writing and my crochet projects. At times in the past week I’ve felt too tired to read. It’s so hard to remain upbeat and focussed on recovery at times like this. I’m really tired of being sick. I want to live life fully. I want to chase my dreams. But I feel so handicapped. And I’ve had to let go of goals from the past because I know my health will not support them.

I’m reading a great book on how to boost your resilience. In doing the quizzes in the book it is evident to me that I am already a resilient person. I always try to understand the lesson in difficult life circumstances. I’ve been wondering why I’ve been given this drive to achieve and this lesson to recover. Seems a little incongruent, Universe, can you please give me a clear message? 

Maybe I’m still doing too much and I just need to learn to stay at home and just write. I’m probably not spending enough time practicing mindfulness as that seems to be the key to worrying less about the future or ruminating on the past and how I got to this poor state of health.

I’ve had my fair share of difficult experiences in life and I usually find some lessons in them.  I know that becoming sick has helped me change my path and that my life will be better ultimately. But to stay in the here and now when it’s so very limiting and frustrating, is really hard. I feel like I’m in a tiny room with no windows and I’m just trying to break out into the sunlight. Maybe this lesson is about not doing and just being. Grrr! 

“In the ash of suffering, a phoenix can be born.” ~ Thich Nhat Hanh

There’s a Reason

The night before last was a bad night. Both our children had ‘bad dreams’ and ended up in our bed. Four in the bed, plus the cat, is not a great recipe for a good night’s sleep I can tell you. The kicking, the snoring, the thrashing and at one point one of them was on top of my back. But it was a catalyst to let them know that enough is enough and we all sleep better in our own beds. So last night with no interruptions from little people, I should have had a great sleep, right? Wrong.

I went to bed a little later than I should have, and then tossed and turned for several hours. I’m usually able to sleep within seconds of my head hitting the pillow. I tried meditating, to calm the mind, hoping that I’d drift off to sleep. But that seemed to make it worse. I had thoughts swirling around my head almost aggressively resisting being tamed. I felt resentful and frustrated about wasting away months on end, simply recovering. And the more upset I got about not getting enough sleep, the more I was unable to sleep. Worries flooded my mind, wondering how long I’ll take to recover and what else I should be doing to speed things up.

When I woke up this morning, I didn't have a headache and after very little sleep, felt unusually refreshed. It was as if the storm had passed and the sunlight was breaking through the clouds. I woke up with the phrase in my head ‘There’s a reason’. How strange. Of course, my first instinct is to find a logical explanation. I wondered if perhaps the new medication I’m on is starting to work.

I’m not known for my patience and it is indeed frustrating, frittering away months in order to recover. I keep wishing I’d avoided this situation. I keep wondering what I could have done differently. But none of that is helpful. I am where I am, and as frustrating as it is, my job right now is to recover. Only once I’m well, can I begin new endeavours and flex my new-found self.

I've been doing a lot of reading about being true to yourself. I am examining what drives me and what I require in order to survive and to thrive. In solving life's problems, Deepak Chopra advises that it's not a passive process and that we must "participate in unblocking the flow of your own awareness". Easier said than done but I'm doing what I can towards a path of recovery and discovery. 

I've read that the very pursuit of large goals is indeed the source of happiness, not so much as reaching the goal itself. I have found in the past that as much as I've enjoyed the achievement of completing an ultra-marathon, there is far more enjoyment in the joint pursuit of the goal with friends.

But a goal such as Getting Well just seems so unnecessary, as if this scenario could have been entirely avoided. It could not, as things needed to run their course in order to initiate a change. My point, though, is that I’m not enjoying the journey. Yes, I love learning about methods of healing and I do enjoy discovering flow activities. I've been systematically working through some old workbooks on learning to play the piano and read music. I've been hacking away at chapter one of my book that, quite honestly, stinks.

These activities are hard, as running regularly is too, especially as it gets darker and darker in the mornings approaching race day. Am I approaching a watershed part of my healing and that’s why I’m struggling so much? I keep looking for meaning in what I’m going through and what I’m discovering. A special friend drew my attention to this poem a few months ago, which seems to capture my journey.

“I would like to beg you, dear sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.” ~ Rainer Maria Rilke, 1903, from Letters to a Young Poet

The phrase ‘there’s a reason’ made me think about how having faith gives you hope. I have strayed from my religious upbringing as it is my belief that religion is a sub-set of spirituality, with too many exclusionary man-made rules. Knowing the self is closely linked with spirituality and finding one’s purpose. I almost felt like I've had an epiphany this morning but didn't quite understand it. Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that along with the flow, comes the ebb. Recovery isn't measured on a linear scale. On the whole, however, I feel that the tide is coming in.

External sources of Happiness

Many people focus on external elements when it comes to finding happiness. Some people think that if they only had that house, that boyfriend, that job, they would be happy. It’s not true. Happiness does not come from outside, it is found within.

According to the research done by Sonja Lyubomirsky in her book The How of Happiness, we all have a set point of happiness, a default state if you wish. External circumstances and life events cause this state to increase or decrease but it is only temporary. We seem to settle back to our former happiness level. I have encountered, and I’m sure you have too, those people who seem to dampen everything. There are also those optimists who seem to bounce back from difficult life circumstances so quickly and effortlessly. I’m most definitely an optimist and closer to the second type. I tend to think that every situation, good or bad, has a lesson if you look hard enough.

I have found in the last few years, as my health declined, that my mood was less optimistic and happy. I thought it was being the mother of small children and only recently did I realise that might not be the case. Some of the symptoms of Graves’ disease are anxiety and depression. As a child I was referred to as ‘highly strung’, a term which I haven’t heard used in a while but I've always been quite anxious. So I just thought I was stressed. The good news is that once I’m well, I can return to my previous state of optimisim.

My youngest has been sleeping well for a while, aside from the odd nightmare or not being well. I realised when I saw other mothers with three children (I only have two) seeming to cope well. Perhaps they were faking it but I couldn't help wonder that I didn't seem to be coping as well. Only recently, have I realised that it is a combination of things that has caused my health decline.  The primary reason was that I was doing work I didn't enjoy for a really long time, swimming against the current. I also had no opportunity to replenish lost energy during the day. Being a mother to small children leaves little opportunity to care for yourself.

I've learned that I have to put aside time for recovery in the day, even once I’m well. Sometimes I even have to fight for it, which is not so easy in my current condition and being a conflict-avoider and a people-pleaser. If I don’t stand my ground, however, I’ll be this sick forever and possibly worse.

This week I completely overdid it - too many meetings and appointments. Some of them were important as they were for handing over my work to others so that I can recover properly. Now I’m facing the consequences of pushing too hard in that I have a bad cold. My immune system is really weak and I am highly susceptible to the slightest virus. It is a very delicate balancing act at the moment. This week I also started exercising again – just three walks. I think that, in combination with the meetings, has set me back. 

I find it enormously frustrating not being able to do what other people can do. I have to budget my energy. I plan ahead to make sure I only have one or two outings a day and I save my energy for that. But that makes it difficult for people to understand how much I’m struggling. They see the few strong hours of my day. My family sees me sleeping on my bed in recovery for hours afterwards.

I’m aware that happiness is not found outside me. I know that I have to work hard to create a life that I want. My family is happy and wonderful, I love my home and my friends. I need to single-mindedly focus on getting well and attack it like a project so that I can apply energy to my new career path and gain the fulfilment that lies ahead.