Firebreak

This weekend I went on a women’s retreat. On the first night I admitted to the ladies that I was really there to escape my children. Of course, I also went to renew myself and spend some time alone. It is the first time I have attended a retreat and I’m glad to say that there were no intolerable team exercises or war cries. The activities included art, dancing and reflection (including guided meditation).

I enjoyed the art tremendously and experienced true flow while constructing my pieces. The dancing was more difficult for me in that I am inhibited and restrained. I think my health concerns have led me to not trust my body anymore. The concept of free flow dancing makes me quite uncomfortable but I participated nonetheless. I found that the more I let go, the more I enjoyed myself. 

There were wonderful opportunities for solitude and reflection which I enjoyed thoroughly. Aligned with my current path of restoring myself and finding some peace, the quiet was something I really needed. I was able to let go of a major fear that has been holding me back. I feel a greater clarity of purpose going forward in my life and I've pumped up my happiness level, even if just for a while.

Something that I did not anticipate was that I’d really enjoy the people. Usually in a group there is one irritating person who talks too much and asks too many questions. But the group of people were genuine, supportive and nurturing. Being an introvert I do struggle with new people and these days I am less willing to keep up a high-energy facade. The people seemed to accept me regardless, and I really enjoyed aspects of everyone on the retreat.

Something that I've often observed is how many people speak so badly about themselves, even to people they have just met. They are willing to expose so many flaws and yet they get coy when being complimented. We often struggle to accept positive feedback with grace, and will argue and disagree. It is far more gracious to accept compliments considering the word emanates from ‘gift’. I have read that we should ask ourselves whether we would keep a friend to talks to us in the same way we talk to ourselves. That helps to remind us to be kind to ourselves, and to notice and rectify negative self-talk.  

While spending time on self-improvement it is expected that personal insights emerge. I have always resisted leadership and sticking my head above the crowd. Being an introvert I am often quite uncomfortable being centre of attention, despite the fact that I often end up there anyway. I was flabbergasted to be selected as a prefect at school. The first time I rose up in the corporate ladder, it was my team members who suggested that I should put my name forward when our manager moved on to greener pastures. It occurred to me that everyone else can see me as a leader and someone who can really shine. It’s time I transform my thinking and take my place as an eagle instead of a timid chicken.

While driving back, I encountered a large fire on both sides of the highway. In parts of our country the climate can be very dry, leading to bush fires. Often farmers intentionally create firebreaks to ensure that fires don’t spread too far and become catastrophic. With my health having been so poor in the past few years, it occurred to me that this retreat was like a firebreak, needed so that life does not engulf me.

I did think about my family a lot and I missed them. Getting home I appreciated my sweet girls, my husband, my own bed and shower. However, the feeling on the weekend of not being relied upon for every conceivable eventuality was an enormous relief. I will most definitely make an annual event for myself to get away and to care for myself, even if it’s just to feel that relief again.

I believe there is no greater investment than to invest in yourself. Once you start working on yourself and letting your creativity out, life's treasures start unfolding. I'm ready to embrace them and to see where it takes me. 

Creativity: The Secret to All Things Good

I marvel at what people can create. Just looking at paintings, drawings and sculptures reveals the diversity of talent in our world. Even people who are not artists create beautiful things every day. I enjoy crochet and knitting so I took a look at some of the creations shown on Tumblr and was astounded. I have friends who create the most spectacular cakes and baking creations, friends who take scrap booking to a new level, and I am by no means unique with the collection of people I know.

Years ago a school friend and I attended weekly classes to learn about stamping on cards, plate painting, decoupage and various other things. My friend’s mother joined in and the three of us had ‘play dates’ sharing our art supplies and creating some wonderful things. I always felt that their creations were so much better than mine. But looking back I also created some wonderful pieces of art and sadly, I have no idea how they were done. Once we had children, we stopped attending the classes and our play dates dried up.

We became parents and we stopped playing. Many of us have forgotten what it is to play and to have fun. Having children of my own I see how much fun they have while painting. I habitually resist their painting at home because the tidying up rests with me and I find it most unpleasant. Perhaps this is one of the lessons I still need to learn and sometime soon I will embrace their painting and to dive in too.

This weekend I am attending a women’s retreat. I keep telling myself my primary reason for going is to escape my children but to be honest, it’s more than that. It’s allowing myself to invest in me. I think it is a key part of my recovery and I hope to make it an annual occasion. The weekend includes expression through art and through dance and as I have mentioned in previous posts, self-expression really necessary for me.

I find music to be such an interesting form of expression. There are songs that are so joyful and others so full of pain that you can hear the suffering in the words. How blessed are the artists who can express emotions through such a medium.

About a year ago I was going to a coach and I remember telling her how much joy I get from creating crochet blankets. I made one for a friend for her birthday a few years ago and she told me that it was the best present she had every received. I love the creative aspect of planning the pattern, colours and border. What I didn't tell my coach in so many words is that I enjoyed the blankets much more than work. Because at work I had no control over the goal and I was not able to be creative in my work. My work goals were extrinsic in that it was more for others, while creating a blanket is done for its own sake, an intrinsic purpose. Research shows that intrinsic goals make us happier.

It is true that I am undergoing a transformation from the stressed and unhappy person I was last year, to a fulfilled, peaceful person who is comfortable speaking her truth. Big change is happening in my body, in my life and my career. I choose to focus on what works for me and I unburden myself of the shackles of obligation to others. My journey has included a multitude of aspects including healing practices, diet change, exercise change, rest and meditation, focus on self-care, medication and supplements but most importantly, Creativity. 

You don’t have to be an artist to be creative. We are all born with creative talents which are sadly dormant in many of us. I’d encourage you to find some time to play or create in the next week. Express yourself in some way and note how it makes you feel. I have found that in writing, I am healing myself. It is in expressing my long-suppressed thoughts and ideas that I feel free.

The Power of Novelty

I’m a strange combination of attributes I guess. I’m right-brained and creative but also I’m disciplined and focussed. I’m a great fan of structure and I tend to create order out of chaos wherever I go. But as much as I love and need routine, it’s really fun to break free occasionally. In the months, or years, where I was just trying to survive and not really living life, I just chugged away on the treadmill of my existence.

In the process of recovering I’m focussing on actively improving my quality of life and I’m forcing myself to try new things. Many of the things I have tried are in the interests of healing and today I’m trying a new approach called Theta Healing. I’ll report back on the various healing practices in another blog post in future.  

I also try to include novel experiences, apart from healing, in order to make me feel more alive. Last week I tried something called fish therapy for the first time. You place your feet in a warm tank full of fish who feed off dry skin. The tickling sensation is rather fun and the mere novelty was really enjoyable. I don’t think I’ll do it often but it was well worth a try.

I believe that creativity and novel experiences greatly enhance recovery and stimulate self-improvement. On the weekend I tried a new technique called Zentangle. The teacher spoke of its various benefits such as having a calming effect. She has no awareness of the concept of flow but I suspect Zentangle is a flow-inducing activity. You have to concentrate, you lose track of time and it can be all-consuming. I've already done a few more since the class and have some ideas about larger scale drawings incorporating the technique.

Many people on a growth path or having a ‘mid-life crisis’ try new experiences and buy themselves fun toys like sports cars and Harley Davidson motorcycles. I can see how the thrill of something new stimulates people and helps them to feel like a kid again. Many people have developed a Bucket List from the concept in the movie of the same name. 

These activities can include travel to new places as well as daring activities such as sky diving. Considering the fact that I’m suffering from a stress-related illness, I’m not seeking any thrills and extra adrenalin is not welcome in my body right now. I prefer to focus on creative experiences as well as seeing new things, in different places or even while shopping in places I haven’t visited before.

I made sure on my weekend away at the beginning of this month, that I walked around the town, observing as much as I could. The town we visited is well known for art and the many galleries and stores displaying crafts were really stimulating for me. That’s despite dragging around two little ones who wanted to touch everything and who kept asking ‘when are we going?’ every few seconds.

I have found that new experiences help me feel more awake and help me to notice the things around me. It is helping me live my life more fully. I couldn't think of anything worse for me than to be trapped in a cubicle or office every day all day. I want to be experiencing something new, having flow experiences regularly and stretching my consciousness. I’m confident that it will help me be a better, happier person, at home and at work.  

Stumbling on Grumpy

Daniel Gilbert is a well-known author of the book Stumbling On Happiness. I've just finished it and to be honest, I’m not sure why he’s so renowned. Gilbert spends the entire book explaining why we are wrong. We can’t predict what will make us happy, our memories are flawed and we can’t even see straight. There is no question that his writing style is entertaining and he has a great sense of humour but I’m really not sure that his chosen topic is ideal, given his outlook.

Anyone who chooses to read a book about happiness, is probably wanting to be happier. Even the process of reading the book made me unhappy as I counted the pages towards the end. I’d favour reading The How of Happiness or the The Happiness Project if you want to work on being happier.

The basic tenet of Gilbert’s book is that we are highly incapable of predicting our future emotions. But why is that so important? Certainly, if we are about to make a big life decision, we’d like to make sure it will bring us happiness. He shows in the research that it’s more accurate to ask someone else in that position how happy it makes them. But no-one can truly be completely in the position you wish to full as they are not you. 

If you know yourself well, you will know what you like, you know where you want to live or who you want to marry or what career to follow. Imagine me asking a writer if it’s fun and basing my future career on that. Wouldn't I be the fool?

I’m expending a great deal of time and effort into knowing my strengths and weaknesses, talents and desires. Once those are completely clear, I can formulate options for my new career, try them out and make a decision. I’m all for talking to people to understand the pros and cons of any role and what others find challenging and rewarding. I like to obtain views from others as my leadership style is affiliatory. But no-one comes with my experiences, background, culture, beliefs, fears, talents and dreams.

Now that I’m finished his book, it’s time to shake things up again. Happiness is not found in monotony, especially for someone right-brained. As mentioned in my previous post, I believe creativity to be one of the key paths to finding yourself and your life passion. My original search for books on how to find your passion yielded few results. But I did come across a book called ‘The Artists Way’, written by Julia Cameron who helps people connect with their innate talents and their creativity. I’m really excited about it and I’m hoping it will unlock something in me that will lead to some real personal growth. 

Follow Your Bliss

I’m crazy about Masterchef Australia for a number of reasons. I am, of course, really interested in people who have the courage to switch paths, sometimes quite late in life. It’s so interesting to see how the contestants often comment on how they have grown as a person so much more than they anticipated. They entered the competition to gain skills and a head-start in becoming a chef. Not only do they all (not only the winner) pick up new skills in their chosen profession, but they push themselves to grow. In doing so, they discover a profound flow experience in the creation of food. It is a creative exercise and requires imagination, skill and knowledge. What an amazing journey they are taken on and it’s no wonder there are tears as each contestant is eliminated from the competition.

One of the judges this week used the phrase ‘follow your bliss’ and that really sums up my intention for this blog. What is it that inspires you to be great? What would you give up your everyday life for in order to experience? What is your bliss?

For me, my bliss is writing. There are many jobs that incorporate writing and I know that my journey ahead includes a lot of it. As well as writing, I can find flow in other things, usually creative pursuits such as playing piano and drawing.

I've realised lately that I don’t have a sense of entitlement that many people have. Perhaps it’s my upbringing or something within me that pushes me to prioritise the needs of others above my own. That’s something I need to work on and I’ll need to teach myself that I’m also entitled to things. Primarily, I’m entitled to have a job that is blissful. I’m entitled to love what I do and to gain a great deal of enjoyment from my everyday work. As long as it’s not to the detriment of anyone else, that’s not asking too much. That’s just making the most of living.

But why do so many people stay in jobs that are not fulfilling? Is it because they don’t know themselves enough to know what they want or need? Is it because they don’t feel entitled? Is it because they are afraid to lose something – usually a regular income? Is it because they feel afraid of being judged by others?

Changing careers late in life does take courage. It takes confidence and self-knowledge in order to go down a new path. You’ll need to defend your decision to the nay-sayers that inevitably will try to make you feel as if you’re making a mistake. Centre yourself, take a deep breath, and follow the path. Trust yourself enough to know that it’s only you who can define your path, or at least the path you want. And who knows what magical delights await.

I've come to realise that creativity is a great tool in discovering your talents and in getting to know yourself. None of us can escape being creative, in what we wear, how we do make-up and accessorise as well as the words we choose to express ourselves. We are all creative and the more we explore our creative side, the closer we get to knowing our true selves and what our talents are. This I believe to be a powerful tool in self-discovery. So dance, sing, paint or do whatever you feel expresses yourself fully.

“Follow your bliss and don’t be afraid, and doors will open where you didn’t know they were going to be.”  ~Joseph Campbell

  

What does your brain love?

In the midst of what I thought might be a mid-life crises during October, I met someone who was completely fascinating. Claire seemed quite coy at the networking meeting I was attending and, in typical style, focused more on my business than hers. Being an introvert, I find business networking quite difficult, but I have learned to stretch myself.

We hit it off straight away and in the weeks that followed a few strange co-incidences brought us closer together. She does some amazing work in specifically helping people (and teams) find their flow. I remember asking her if she’d read ‘Flow’ and she said she’d named her business after it! The timing was perfect so I asked for her help in understanding my passions and how to define my path.

The outcome of the test showed that I am primarily a right-brained person, which to be honest, was a shock to me. At school I loved Mathematics (but also languages) and I chose to study a commerce degree with a focus on software. My career matched my studies and the trade I developed was that of Business Analyst in software development. I created detailed specifications with hours spent painstakingly getting the diagrams correct, with proper semantics. I accommodated elicitation of requirements from people in the knowledge that it was a necessary part of the job. I did enjoy the writing part but also the analytical part. I excelled in that job, surprisingly, given my brain and personality profile.

My introversion also came up on the test and the fact that I have some risk-taking or entrepreneurial characteristics. Who would have thought this girl at school who excelled at Mathematics and who chose IT as an industry would turn out to be creative?

It did get me thinking about all the creative pursuits I've leaned towards in my personal life. BC (Before Children), I took classes on making cards, painting plates and decoupage. I spent my weekends creating things. At school I loved piano and dancing but had to give them up since my school was small then and they needed all pupils to do sports, at which I most definitely did not excel.

I wonder how much of following a path in commerce was to please others or to ensure a good income. I wonder what my life would have been like if I had elected to be a choreographer as I’d dreamed of as a kid. I do know myself well enough to know that I’m only recently becoming tolerant of very creative people. I've always viewed them with a little skepticism and have labelled them as ‘scatter-brained’ or ‘disorganised’ in the past. At one of my early employers I was exposed to the advertising industry on an e-commerce team. I instantly navigated towards the ‘database’ guys who were not even that strong technically. For those who are more technically inclined, one of them told me he deleted foreign keys because they ‘got in the way’.

The primary reason I left the corporate world was lack of meaning. I joined the family business with two hopes. Firstly, that I’d learn how to run a business which I have most certainly learned. And secondly, to have the flexibility and lifestyle to enjoy my children. After 18 months into the business, we obtained a credible and supportive shareholder. We finally had a chance but with that, came a lot more formality. I had to learn how to be a proper Managing Director of a company, running board meetings, ensuring all aspects of regulation were covered etc. Although I learned and benefited a lot, I traded flexibility and freedom, for admin and regulation. 

The last job I had in the corporate world was the manager of a large team of Business Analysts. The leader of the division kept telling the management team that we must run our teams like we run a business. I marvelled at the admin that he expected us, the expensive highly skilled people, to do. At the same time the team secretary played solitaire on her computer. I remember having to stamp each invoice at right angles otherwise it was rejected. I used to tell people that every time I use that stamp 'a little piece of me died'. How funny it is to look back now, being a business owner, an entrepreneur and knowing what I know.

I know that doing work you hate breaks your spirit. I know that management is overrated but leadership rocks. I know the stress and panic of not being able to pay the bills. I know the real difficulty of key man dependencies. I know how much time and effort is spent doing things to just remain legal. And I know how important it is to let people focus on what they love. 

We can only be true to ourselves if we know ourselves. I’d highly recommend doing tests and completing questionnaires to discover what makes you tick. Only then can you be sure to focus on the things that you love, not the things that you’re good at. I have learned that there is a big difference.

The Antidote

Any mother of young girls would have watched Frozen at least once in the last year. The heroine, Elsa, has a wonderful gift but doesn't know how to control it. Fear makes it more dangerous and she retreats into her ice castle, protected by the snow monster she creates. Well, I wouldn't say my gift is quite that powerful but I did connect with the withdrawing into the ice castle and needing protection. Seeing her finally being herself and the beauty she releases, really resonated with me. Elsa discovers that Love is the antidote to fear and with Love she can learn to use her gift for fun.

For about four and a half years I've struggled with Frustration in the business. Yes, that capital letter is there on purpose. Frustration that we didn't have enough money to modernise the system, frustration trying to inspire people who cannot be inspired, frustration in trying to compete with and be supported by a bank at the same time, frustration that regulations restricted my innovation and frustration that I could never land that big deal that would mean the world to the business. 

Every month I drudged through the accounting, eagerly looking at the bottom line. And each month, the growth was so small. I tried so many tactics to overcome the obstacles and kept persevering thinking that any day now, things will improve. They didn't, and when I did the budgeting exercise in October, I knew it would be foolish to use any data other than historical data to project future revenue.  I had the rude awakening that I would spend more than another year asking for funding and eking out an existence on a salary that hasn't budged for five years.

For so long, my day was filled with admin, forms, completing bank forms with the same information seven times repeated, banking transactions, arguing with the tax authority and the dreaded accounting. I have always been an academic and performed well at school. Accounting at university was the first thing I failed in my life. Once I applied myself I did well in the supplementary exam and it didn't hold me back. But mastering something doesn't make you love it. This week, I’m still doing the accounting for the business. But it is the last time. I have found someone to do it for us and am documenting the process to ease the transition. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

Like Elsa, I have discovered my antidote to Frustration – Creativity! I’m filling my day with things that I love to do. I've bought a piano, I’m making a crochet blanket of my own pattern, knitting teddy bears who each have their own little character, baking and of course, writing. I can’t do all these things in one day since my energy levels are not quite back to normal but I’m purposefully carving out fun in my day. That is my antidote.

I visited my doctor this morning and the great news is that my thyroid levels are normal. I can stop taking medication for the heart and am allowed to exercise again. I will take it on slowly to be sure that I’m not overdoing it, but I’m thrilled! I can’t stop the thyroid medication until the antibody for Graves’ disease is back to normal which we shall check at the end of the month.

I’m so pleased to get feedback from those who are reading my blog. I am simply thrilled to hear that people actually like my writing. With all this good news, I’m floating on a cloud. That ice monster can stay inside today.