Dig a Little Deeper

As a mother of small children, I watch a lot of animated movies. Have you seen the movie The Princess and The Frog? The main character, Tiana, is a hard working woman who has a constant need to prove herself. She gets transformed into a frog along with a frivolous prince and they embark on an adventure in the bayou in order to become human again.  Along the way, they both learn a valuable lesson about what they truly need and how it differs from what they want.

The little frogs encounter Mama Odie, a voodoo priestess, who guides them towards their destinies. She sings a gorgeous song about getting what you need instead of what you want. During the song the prince realises that he needs Tiana but Tiana doesn’t have any revelations. At the end of the song, she thinks the message was to dig a little deeper into her reserves and work even harder towards her goals. I got a flashback of the song and the scene where Tiana just doesn’t get it. What prompted the flashback was reading some of my goals towards the end of last year. My health had been deteriorating for months, with mainly symptoms of fatigue and headaches. I thought the problem was motivation and I thought if I could just set the right targets, I’d get there.

My revelation over the past few months has been that my days need more writing in them. And yet I’ve let my inner critic bully me into believing that my book is rubbish and that no-one will want to read it. I think I’ve been procrastinating by arranging too many social outings and not only has it tired me out, but it has also distracted me from making progress on the work. My idol, Elizabeth Gilbert, has often mentioned that quality is not our responsibility; we just have to show up and do the work. As I’ve mentioned, I’m working through the creative recovery program in the book the Artist’s Way. The book has taught me that showing up is the most important thing I can do, even in the face of negative feedback and the Wet Blankets who will try to squash my dream. 

So perhaps my lesson from the past few weeks, feeling that my health is slipping backwards after all these months, is now clear: DO MORE WRITING. This morning I spent about ninety minutes on my book and it felt great. The quality cannot be guaranteed yet but that’s not my focus. Right now, it’s my job to show up and write. For hours if I can. And how do I feel? Great! I want to feel like this every day and this thought has made me more resolved to finish this book. 

I saw my doctor this morning and he confirmed that I’m now in remission officially. I have been working towards this point for a long time and I have been worrying about my health and my constraints a lot. Last week’s setback of feeling so tired and feeling like I’m losing ground was perhaps a lesson that needed to come before the remission confirmation. Maybe I needed to feel that tired again to remind me that I don’t just dive into life again full steam ahead because it won’t serve me.

So perhaps I got what I needed, and not what I thought I wanted. 

Self-Care Roster

In my last post I was a misery and I won’t apologise for it because that’s reality. I’m done trying to please everyone and be something everyone expects me to be. Yes, I get down, and it will happen again. 

The way I usually approach something that needs to be fixed, like my health, is to have a plan. I feel empowered when I take action so I've come up with a Self-Care Roster. Starting yesterday, I decided to do a few things daily and some things weekly or monthly etc. I know it doesn't sound earth shattering but I have to DO something.

I've set myself a limit of five outings a week, excluding the school run. This ensures that I don’t overdo things and is worked into the roster. My self-care roster has four categories:

• Grooming:  Haircuts, manicures etc. This helps reinforce in my mind the importance of looking after myself.
• Responsibility: Medical check-ups for myself and my kids such as dentist, mammogram etc.
• Healing: Much needed care in my current state, including things like reflexology, Body Stress Release etc.
• Growth & Fun: Reading, writing, savouring, gratitude and knitting.

Reading is a way for me to grow myself and also helps me feel that I’m moving forward. I need to consume a lot of books as my list is really long. The more I read, the more material I have for a future book and my blog. I see it as research and it is not taxing.

Writing my blog helps me express myself. As an introvert and a people-pleaser I often bite my tongue on things I’m thinking. I don’t freely express my opinion for fear of retribution, appearing foolish or stimulating a debate I don’t want to have. So this is a way for me to express myself regularly and practise writing, thereby improving myself.  

Some happiness experts recommend thinking about our happiest moments and days, be it remembering the day our child was born, our wedding day, being accepted into university or just a great day with family. This is the savouring activity which I plan to do daily for a week. I’m planning to look through my wedding album and the many photos we took of our children as babies.

Gratitude is a well-known happiness-enhancer. David Steindl-Rast, in his wonderful TED talk, talks about how gratitude can change the way we behave. If we are grateful, we don’t hate or envy others, we don’t abuse or hurt people.  In order to make the most of opportunities that come our way, we need to stop and listen and then grab them when they come along. 

I think I’m naturally a grateful person and I often count my blessings. Something we do each night is to look at our sleeping girls and marvel at the miracle of them. No matter what kind of crazy they unleash in the day, they look so peaceful and angelic while sleeping. This is probably also savouring but also includes a degree of gratitude.

The knitting is a way for me to create something and I’m helping people at the same time. Our school has a project where the teddy bears are given to children on the night they are removed from their abusive families. It is the first thing of their new life. I’m knitting because I find it relaxing and I’m helping someone, which is aligned to my personal values.  Tony Robbins and many other influencers of personal growth, cite Contribution as a meaningful endeavour to enrich your life.

I have quite a few ideas around the healing activities that I’d like to explore but that’s perhaps for another blog post. Included in this is Nia as a contributor to wellness but I’m not up to it physically right now. The weekend illness taught me that. So I do what I can and I battle the despair with goal-setting.

What makes you mad?

A few of the articles and blog posts I've read recommend that you notice when you're getting mad. What accomplishments, jobs or activities of other people get you riled up? The emotion might also be envy. I gave it a lot of thought and I discovered I had experienced these emotions in two areas.

Firstly, those yoga moms who saunter out of their Porsche Cayenne, dripping with jewellery and looking awfully smug. I remember when I was on leave, getting very irritated when I did yoga at 9:30 am and seeing a mom from school in the class. It’s not that I wish I were not working, because I know that I have to work to remain sane. It’s more that they have freedom to look after themselves and there is still enough money to support a family. I've sacrificed a great deal of earnings over the past five years in order to run the business. Not only did I spend all day doing what I didn't enjoy, but I had no time for myself. Being unhappy with my routine of getting kids to school and feeling that I had to be at the office ‘just in case’, caused me to resent the people who have the flexibility for a mid-morning yoga class.

In the past few months, I have had the personal insight that I’d prefer to have flexible time and not be desk-bound all day. I’d gladly take a pay cut to enjoy more flexible hours and be able to spend some time looking after myself and helping my kids. I now have a healthy respect for those who have organised their schedules in such a way to bring in money but also enjoy life. There are those who work a four day week or those who work for a few hours in the morning and spend time with their kids in the afternoons. How have you arranged your working life around your needs?

The second thing that stirred up emotion for me was those who have written books. One that comes to mind is a friend who published a book in 2013. I most definitely was not mad because he’s truly a valuable person with much insight to offer. I wish him all the success with the book, the proceeds of which he even gives to charity. Not to mention the fact that we were featured in the book for our financial savvy! But I did feel envious when the book got published and remember wishing that I could publish a book.

I went to a seminar about six months ago and the very flashy presenter with tight pants and a shimmering smile spoke of ‘writing’ his book. He quite openly admitted that it was too much trouble to actually write the book and he had outsourced it.  At that moment, my dream diminished substantially. Nevertheless, I have not let go of that dream to write a book myself, with my own special flavour and style, that at least my friends will read.

I have spoken about the process of finding your passion and not to worry too much about monetising it initially. At first I wondered why you would write and publish something for someone else. It’s as hard as being a surrogate mother. But I suppose it’s not that strange that people are ghost writers since it’s a method of turning writing into revenue, which you cannot fault anyone for doing.

I previously did consulting work and do still enjoy putting together the documentation. For some, it is torture and they’d outsource it gladly. For me, it is the real joy of structuring solutions and making recommendations from a broad range of inputs. Another insight is that I'd like to include writing in my future career. Writing a book may end up being a personal goal or a hobby if you wish, but that’s fine too. The process of writing brings flow to my day and that's what I need.