My Blog's New Home

I have done a lot of research into branding and it was the aspect of my business that I enjoyed the most. I enjoy social media and I love reading and writing about finding your life passion. In order for my blog to gain more exposure and to make the most of social media, I believe the best home for my blog to be WordPress so I have migrated her there. 

I am not sure if the email subscription will be migrated or not so you may have to sign up again. Sorry for the inconvenience but I do believe this is the right next step. 

In the last few weeks, I got a new laptop because the other one belongs to my previous employer. I had to migrate all my information and install all applications to function correctly. I had a great deal of difficulty getting my email address changed on my iPhone but that will hopefully be sorted out soon. 

The formatting on the migrated posts on my new blog was really messy and I simply had to fix it. I had flashbacks of html training and XML projects of my distant past. But I corrected them all as it just wont to do have formatting that is not pretty. Please do let me know if you find any glitches as I would like it to be perfect. 

Doing all that fine detail admin work was quite labourious and frustrating. I am able to do it because I believe in things looking good and being done properly. However, I think it's no co-incidence that I feel a cold coming on in the past few days. But I think the blog is looking good and I'd love you to come and visit: http://findingyourlifepassion.co.za/

With love
Kathy

Moving Towards my Destiny

I am officially unemployed now for the first time in my career. To tell you the truth I'm thrilled about it. The reason I'm not to stressed about money is that I put a lot of money away into the business over the years. It was used to pay salaries and expenses of the business and the debt to me accrued into my shareholder loan account. Now that I have left my business I will be paid out the money, with no interest. Nonetheless, I have the luxury of living off the money for six months while I find my way to living my passion fully. 

Elizabeth Gilbert says that you are free when you are living your passion while fully paying your way. I don't need to be obscenely wealthy. I'd just like to pay my bills and live a modest life. I am already rich in what I have in my life - a beautiful family and living in one of the best climates in the world. My major focus now is to write because I feel that it is my calling. It is the fulfillment of my destiny so I simply must follow it. 

Now that I'm quite a lot better I have a coach to help me meet my goals. I know myself well enough to know that I'm not so good without external accountability. I need to have someone expecting something from me to deliver at my best. In my days of training for ultra marathons, I needed the fixed big scary goal of race day to motivate me. I also needed people waiting for me at the nearby shopping centre where we started our morning runs. 

So I have now made a daily commitment to write purely on my book. My blog and articles  will be extra if I have the energy. I do love my blog so I promise I won't neglect it! I'm also trying to figure out whether I should write on the weekend or not. Perhaps I need to confine writing to the week days so that the boundaries between work and leisure are clear. Or is it better to write when the inspiration comes? I wrote two articles and a blog post on the weekend so I know that it's possible to squeeze in writing when I'm feeling inspired. I then felt entitled to take Monday off. This is just the kind of freedom I need, not to be constrained by expectations and obligations. 

Although I have not yet made money from my writing I feel that I'm making great progress. My book's concept and structure are really taking shape and I'm applying myself to get the content in. I'm writing articles now which is fun for me. I am also becoming more organised in that I'm setting up a new website and will be moving my blog to its new home soon. I bought a new laptop and I am pleased to say that I set everything up successfully by myself. 

I know that I have a long way to go before I can make money from my craft. But I feel that I really don't have much of an option now that I know what my calling is. I am clear that I need to write but it is possible to make money out of writing in a variety of ways. Enlisting the help of a coach is my way of forcing myself to move forward and select the right option. 

I am most passionate writing about wellness and making sure that your career is aligned to your values and your passions, not necessarily your strengths. It's inappropriate to build a career on weaknesses but it is also possible to be good at something and to not enjoy it. I am organised and efficient but admin is my kryptonite. 

I'm a proponent of building your career from what you love. That is the key to happiness and a fulfilling life. If you are searching for meaning, your work has to be fulfilling. Have you understood yourself well enough to know what your passions are? Is your working life aligned to what you love? If not, what are you going to do about it?   

How Resilient Are You?

I’m officially in remission for a month now but have still been feeling really tired. I keep wondering what it will take to address this fatigue and just how much longer I’ll be struggling. I look so forward to the days where I don’t need to have an afternoon nap to survive as it really does take time out of the day. I’d love to do yoga a few times a week and be relaxed about going out more than once a day.

I’ve finished reading the book The Resilience Factor and I found it to be really helpful. In the design of a happy life, resilience is really vital. No-one can have a life without adversities, and it’s how we handle them that defines our happiness. The book provides a range of strategies to combat flawed thinking and poor responses when things go wrong. I found it to be really practical and powerful in helping to manage life’s blows, although I cannot say that I have mastered all the skills.

The book states “First you must become aware of the kind of person you are, and that means examining your deep beliefs and values about yourself, your world, and your place in it.” The authors urge us to identify the thinking patterns that are holding us back and to challenge our limiting beliefs.

As I’ve mentioned before, in designing a happy life and pursuing your passion, it is imperative that you know yourself first. Knowing yourself in this book’s context is about how you think and getting to understand your beliefs. By listening to the narrator in your head during adversities, you can uncover why you are reacting the way you are, and challenge beliefs in order to have a more appropriate response. Examples of how we think is whether we attribute problems to ourselves or to others and whether we feel that the issue affects everything in our lives and will always be there. How much control we feel we have over the problem plays a role, as does our level of optimism and our ability to accurately assess the situation. Resilient people are able to derive meaning from failure and feel empowered to take action.

Some of our beliefs are well-known to us but many are deep-rooted and difficult to uncover. Some of the self-development work I have been doing lately involves challenging beliefs that do not serve me. There are a few healing modalities such as Theta Healing® that help you to uncover these beliefs and even replace them with more constructive ones. As I’ve mentioned in previous blogs, the negative self-talk and our inner critic can be really harmful and needs to be addressed if you want a happy life.  

The person who has helped me the most in my healing journey has to be Meryl. She is skilled in a variety of healing modalities that appear quite complex to me. I must confess that I am confused about all the modalities that she practices but this time we worked on limiting beliefs, those that lurk far beneath the surface and that are affecting my energy levels.

The relief that I felt and still feel after visiting Meryl is nothing short of magical. In a one hour session she seems to have lifted a great burden and I feel far less fatigued. I must admit that if anyone said this kind of thing to me I’d probably roll my eyes and think them a little loopy. But nevertheless, that was my experience. I am yet to fully understand what she does and I’d love to write a blog post on it to give you more details but that will be for another time.

Boosting our resilience through challenging limiting beliefs remains a powerful method of personal growth, regardless of the method used. Since our beliefs govern our behaviours which can have dramatic impacts on our relationships, it’s worth knowing under what context we are acting. Knowing yourself allows you to be better equipped to handle life’s challenges and to manage the stress before it becomes serious.

Do you understand your thinking style? Do you tend to jump to conclusions in your thinking, or to mind read? What beliefs are holding you back from being the best you can be? What are the beliefs costing you and are you prepared to challenge them?

Healing Series Part 1: Body Stress Release

In this healing series, I’ll explain the various healing practices that I’ve experienced and what I gained from them. I truly believe that in taking an active role in healing myself that I have sped up my recovery. Today’s topic is called Body Stress Release, or BSR for short.

Even before I became ill I met a wonderful lady called Lourentia at a business networking breakfast. I have since abandoned the networking breakfasts but it was a real blessing to meet such a quality person. I have been going to her sporadically for many years and at stressful times, ironically, I scaled back on the visits. After my diagnosis of my stress-induced auto-immune disease, I started going for BSR again.

Lourentia asks me each time where I feel discomfort or pain in my body. In the past I’d have aches and pains due to running injuries or stiffness. Since my diagnosis, I usually just feel tired, and not surprisingly have a lot of tension in my neck and shoulders. So I tell her all the areas that ail me so that she knows where to focus her efforts.

I take off only my shoes and then lie face down on a treatment table, much like the ones used for massage. I can breathe through the hole in the table my feet must dangle off the edge of the table. Lourentia then begins her treatment by putting her hands onto my back. She gets a feel of where the body needs work and goes ahead with the treatment. You are required to turn onto your back midway during the treatment in order to access all parts of the body. 

Just as the name suggests, the premise of BSR is to release, by small touches to pressure points, the stress that is trapped in various parts of the body. The practitioner tests for stress in many areas of the body and then works to release it. They use the feet as a means to monitor the effects of what they implement. I feel sensations in my body as Lourentia performs the releases, almost like a little ripple of something travelling up my spine or down my legs. Sometimes the pressure needs to be quite hard and the points can be quite tender but overall it is a very pleasant experience and something that has helped me a great deal.

Being an ultra-marathon runner I have a strong belief in the mind-body connection as it is very clear that your mind tides you through the end of a tough race. This connection has been even more evident to me this year as I’ve understood how stress has caused my body to turn on itself. Thankfully I am in remission now and the feedback from Lourentia also points to a much greater recovery since last year.

There are many ways in which BSR can help improve your overall health such as better posture, released tension in the neck, shoulders and back and even things like sinus. There are no side effects and it is a non-invasive treatment. I have benefited from BSR in treating a variety of ailments but in current times, to diminish the stress held in my body, particularly neck and shoulders. It must be said that with the many healing experiences I'm undergoing, it's difficult to attribute improvement to one discipline but overall, my sinus is not nearly as bad as it usually is during winter and my immune system is getting stronger. 

If you are interested, you can read more about Body Stress Release here: http://www.bodystressrelease.com/home/3

One Chance?

I watched a lovely movie this week called One Chance. It's a true sorry about the discovery of unlikely opera star, Paul Potts. From a child he had an unrelenting talent for singing and he always knew that opera was his destiny. At one point in the movie he suffers a setback in his journey when he gets criticism for lacking confidence. He almost gives up and tries to live the life his father wants for him but it's no use, the passion is too strong.  

I've been thinking about how hard it is to remain focussed on your destiny in the face of rejection or doubt. I am mainly focussed on recovery now but I cannot ignore the fact that I have no income. I have resigned from my business in order to spend more time recovering. I can't embark on something new when I only have a few hours a day to dedicate to it. I'm pretty much an all or nothing person and I'm not very good at half measures. If I can't run ultra-marathons, I probably wont run at all. I'll throw myself into something that I can really succeed at but only once I can. In the interim I need to focus all of my attention on getting well and getting enough rest. It is hard, however, not to worry about how I will make money out of my talent and whether I'll have to sell out and get a dreaded job again. 

The movie ends with Paul Potts being selected from Britain's Got Talent and ultimately winning the competition. After a lifetime of struggles he is finally living his destiny, proving all the naysayers wrong. When changing career paths, I think it is vitally important to remember stories like this. As if it's not enough that we battle our own inner critic on a daily basis, but there are plenty of people out there ready to give us a plethora of reasons why not to follow our dreams. It is only your true friends who believe in you despite the interim setbacks on the way to your dream. 

Watch the Paul Potts first audition by clicking here. I love how he is so unassuming, the very thing he was criticised for when he almost lost hope. I think his humility is part of his charm. There is a lesson in that for all of us - being true to ourselves and persisting to bring the passion that lives within us to life. 

What dreams have you given up on? What passions are you yet to bring to the world?

Despair

I have always judged people who run away from their families harshly. But not anymore. I understand why people run away from their children. I too, feel that despair today. The childcare is completely relentless. As a person struggling with illness, it doesn’t take away their need for love, attention, food, fun etc. It never gets easier, it’s a never-ending struggle and you completely lose sight of yourself. Between the lunches, the demands of the teachers, homework and relentless feeding, pouring juice, wiping bottoms, there is nothing left for me. I don’t have the strength to care for myself, let alone these kids.

I have felt that I really wished to be hospitalised with this illness. Even for three days, just to have someone feed me and care for me and to let me read and sleep. I’m the only one around me who seems to understand that it’s pretty serious. I’m the only one who can feel my exhaustion and know how much strength it takes to get out of bed and out into the cold to take a child to school. As much as your loved ones say they care, compassion runs out at some point. People get sick of helping the one who has always been so capable. Well, just so you know, I’m sick of it too. I’m sick of feeling tired and having headaches and struggling to do the things normal people do. I’m sick of asking for help and compassion. I’m sick of it all but I don’t get to escape this fatigue.

The exhaustion makes me ratty and I end up shouting at the kids. Then I feel guilty for being a bad parent and yelling at them all the time. But I just can’t seem to see a way out.I can't go out to escape them because I'm really exhausted most of the time and going out makes me even more tired. But they are here, all the time, wanting things from me. Even when I have a nap, I feel obliged to get up after an hour or so because they might be starving, or without toilet paper or cold or lonely. The feeling that their 24 hour care is on your shoulders entirely is a great responsibility and there is no respite. That in itself is exhausting. Just to have to be the responsible one all the time. 

I love my children too much to run away from them. But I’m really exhausted. Weekends are hard. Today I feel that it is hopeless for me to have any dreams at all. How can I aspire to be anything and to follow my destiny when I’m so exhausted from just parenting? I can’t follow my life passion because I’m too busy just keeping them alive. At times I wish I had no ambition. I wish I was born being content to do the lowliest of jobs and to merely exist. Then I wouldn’t feel this despair of not being able to follow my dreams.

So what should I choose? Neglect the kids and get myself well so that I can have some future to look forward to? Or care for them and take months or years to recover fully? It wont do them a lot of good to have a mother devoid of hope. If anyone has any advice or solutions, let me know. 

Are you Learning the Lessons?

Sometimes I wonder why I seem to be experiencing the same thing in a different form. And I have noticed those around me having similar experiences over and over. One cannot help wondering if we’re being given a lesson that we keep failing to learn.

In my corporate days I had a wonderful team of staff. We all worked together well with a similar outlook on the kind process and effort required to deliver high quality software. One of the contractors I hired into my team wanted to change job function. I gave her the opportunity to learn the new role, with my mentoring and support. She blossomed and was a solid member of the team within a short while. We had a lot of trouble keeping a good Project Manager, however, and finally we got one who was good. She was no nonsense but seemed to connect well with the team members and delivered well on the timelines. These two women were a similar age and started going out in the evenings together.

Within a short period of time the Project Manager started to challenge my leadership and drove a wedge between me and some team members, in particular her new friend. I could not believe what a betrayal it was when I had given her the chance and support to change direction in her career. I had done nothing but support her and a newcomer was able to poison her against me within a few weeks. I felt so disappointed by the other team members who didn’t have the courage to stand by their convictions in what they had confided to me about her.

I raised the issue with my manager, looking for some advice. His first comment was ‘get rid of her’, referring to the rotten apple Project Manager. My instinct was to be professional and to keep the Project Manager for the sake of the projects. My manager found it really suspicious that my integrity was strong enough to put the organisation above my dispute with this woman. In retrospect, not getting rid of her was a really big mistake because the longer she stayed, the more she created dissent and a divided team is not a productive team.  Needless to say, my legacy in that particular organisation far surpassed that of the Project Manager’s. Breaking up cohesive teams is not a strategy that can endure for long.

In the ‘family’ business that I ran for the past five years I had a rotten apple as well. She resisted me and challenged my authority from the moment I entered the business. Granted, no-one bothered to tell any of the staff that I was the new leader. But still, the resistance, underhanded sabotage and negative influence on others persisted for years. I should have weeded her out at the outset as it would have changed the entire dynamic of the business going forward.

I have always been a person who hires for attitude because skills can be learned. Inheriting people that were hired by the previous leadership can be really challenging, especially in our labour environment where it’s really difficult to fire someone. I have learned the lesson that a rotten apple or a toxic element in your environment is one of the most harmful things. To the team, to the business and to the leader, particularly a sensitive person. I don’t think I’ll be in an office environment again because it’s just not for me. But at least I have learned the lesson.

If I ever initiate or take over a business, I’ve learned that the first step is to root out any toxic elements. Once you have a team of motivated positive people, you can achieve almost anything.  

Have you noticed any trends in your life? Do you tend to have the same conflicts or the same issues arise again and again? What lessons do you think you’re supposed to be learning?

Alternative Medicine – Homeopathy

I had always been quite suspicious about alternative healing practices and practitioners until 2012. I was the mother of a three month old baby and as expected was sleep-deprived and pretty stressed. Labour law in our country specifies that mothers are entitled to four months of maternity leave, paid or unpaid. I was working in our ‘family’ business at that time and as a business owner, there’s really no such thing as maternity leave. I recall having meetings at my house feeling so frazzled that it was difficult to concentrate. I had to issue instructions from my home office and keep up to pace with client requests and insubordination from a staff member who challenged my decisions to modernise the business.

After three months, I went back to work, despite being highly emotional about leaving my tiny baby at a preschool. I elected to work half days for the first two weeks so that I could manage with the discomfort of feeding and to ensure my baby adjusted to the new routine. On 1 February 2012, my first full day back at work, I had a cold and was feeling awful. I didn’t feel justified in staying home, given the fact that customer billing was due in the first few days of the month. Mid-morning an irate family member attacked the office with a hammer and a screwdriver as a result of a marital dispute.

Being the only person of authority around, I had to confront her to try to calm the situation down and to mitigate the damage to the business. Furniture was thrown around, computers smashed, signage ripped off the front gate, pot plants tipped over and various places smashed with the hammer. When I confronted her I was verbally abused and the hammer was smashed against the wall within a metre from my head. By the wild look in her eye, I was concerned about not surviving the day or being permanently brain damaged. I thought of my little baby and how my husband would manage with our two kids in the event of my death or disability. The violence of the situation was truly a traumatic event, at a time when I was already fragile.

For the six months or so that followed the event, I had a series of colds and flu that hit me with regularity that was disturbing. I picked up every conceivable virus that came my way due to exposure from a little child at preschool and a weakened immune system. I literally had a few days in between illnesses where I was OK and then I would get sick again. I was obviously under a great deal of stress in dealing with the situation itself and the aftermath in the office.

I had regularly visited a chiropractor to assist with my minor running injuries and alignment. I went to see her for the tension in my neck and shoulders as a result of the stress. I had told her about the traumatic event that I experienced and I was telling her all about my susceptibility to colds and flu while she treated me. She suggested that I might have adrenal fatigue and recommended that I visit a homeopath.

"Adrenal fatigue is a collection of signs and symptoms, known as a syndrome, that results when the adrenal glands function below the necessary level. Most commonly associated with intense or prolonged stress."

The adrenal glands on top of the kidneys are part of the endocrine system and they secrete adrenaline as part of the body’s response to stress. This article discusses the fight or flight response: http://science.howstuffworks.com/life/inside-the-mind/emotions/fear2.htm Part of this response to stress is to shut down the immune system in order to deal with the immediate danger.

I was sceptical about homeopathy but interested in her evaluation of my health and how she could treat me. She felt my pulse and looked at my tongue, punctuated with writing a few strange symbols on her notepad. She confirmed that I had adrenal fatigue and provided me with medication to treat it. I spent months treating the condition and slowly started to improve enough to resume running.

I had been to my standard doctor many times and the treatment for each cold focussed on only the one incidence and merely on the symptoms, not the underlying cause. As much as I think western medicine is important and cannot be abandoned, I had discovered a solution and was being treated holistically for the first time.It is no surprise for me that a diagnosis of Graves’ disease is a malfunction of the endocrine system, also where the adrenals fall, and an auto-immune disease initiated by stress. I had been heading towards the diagnosis this year even as far back as 2012.

I’m open to new experiences and I find them energising.  With such a serious diagnosis I have been more than willing to investigate and explore as many alternative healing practices as I can. I have found some treatments more effective for me personally than others but I believe it is a matter of what resonates with you and also what ails you. In the coming weeks I’ll be doing a series on healing practices to share my experiences.

Particularly for the sceptics, you may get a kick out of this fun clip poking fun at homeopathy.  

Meditation for the Layman

I am currently reading The Resilience Factor by Karen Reivich and Andrew Shatté. The book has some wonderful strategies to build resilience – a vital skill for the Highly Sensitive Person and for those susceptible to stress. One of the strategies the authors suggest is controlled breathing when you find yourself in the midst of an adversity. By taking deep breaths and by concentrating on your breathing, you reduce your heart rate; increase the amount of oxygen in the brain (for better decision making) and minimise the risk of an amygdala hijack. 

In this blog I have mentioned the fact that meditation has helped me in my healing journey of my stress-induced condition. I want to make one thing really clear however: I’m no expert. I’m trying to obtain the benefits of mindfulness and to implement calming strategies.  For the average person who has never tried meditating, it can be daunting. I found this article to be a great help on how to get started.

The strategy I use is simple: focus on my breathing and ensure that my belly rises as I breathe in, and falls as I breathe out. I downloaded an app on my phone in order to guide me initially. There are a few apps providing soothing music and some guidance in an ever-so-calming voice.

Now that I’ve become more accustomed to it, I simply use my timer on my phone which I have increased from the initial two minutes to ten or fifteen minutes. I focus on my breathing and try to clear my mind. That is the trickiest part and the more stressed and busy you are, the harder it is but also the more necessary it is too. At times I wonder if I've dozed off because I seem to be close to sleep. I'm not sure whether or not that is supposed to happen but it can't be harmful.  

“Why is it I always get my best ideas while shaving?” – Albert Einstein

Many people seem to solve problems or get ideas in the shower. Back in university I used to solve my programming defects almost as soon as I got into the shower. Perhaps when the mind relaxes, solutions are easily found. I encountered this fun list of reasons why we get our best ideas in the shower.

This phenomenon seems to happen to me when I start to mediate as well. All sorts of solutions come to mind for things that have been troubling me. If you’re thinking that I’m not doing it correctly, you’re probably right. It is a great struggle for me to clear the mind and I don’t always get it right. But I figure that even if I get it right for a few minutes of the ten, it’s helping me to be calmer and to restore order in a stressed and busy life.

One of my strengths is to implement strategies to mitigate the risk of problems recurring. I wish I’d known before I got sick, how important it is to still the mind and how much meditation helps to combat stress. If you are under strain I’d highly recommend finding some time in your day to implement a meditation strategy that works for you.

Finding Homeostasis

So what does it mean to be officially in remission from Graves’ disease? It is my feeling that I have made great progress from the worst I felt during October and November last year until now. In only four months of medication, I have reached a stage where my body confirms my recovery. It is clear to me that I did not get to this state with only the medication. I have applied myself with my usual focus and discipline in ensuring that my health is restored. I made use of my self-care roster to force myself to sleep and meditate and I indulged in a multitude of alternative healing practices. I also had a lot of people praying for me. Mind, body and soul are now in alignment.

I am pleased with the news of being in remission but it doesn’t seem so convincing to me. Sure, I feel much better than I did last year. But I’m not completely well. I don’t have enough energy to work even for five hours at a stretch, even on activities that I enjoy. I am certainly not in a position to enter the workplace again.

My health has certainly been deteriorating for years, with a major trigger being a traumatic event in February 2012. I’ve been wondering about the point at which I started to tip over the classification of being ‘sick’. Homeostasis is defined to be:

the tendency of a system, especially the physiological system of higher animals, to maintain internal stability, owing to the coordinated response of its parts to any situation or stimulus that would tend to disturb its normal  condition or function.

So when will my system be back to its ‘normal condition or function’? I’ve started measuring how many hours a day I can work as my own measure.  My definition of being fully functional will be when I can work for seven hours a day and be able to enjoy my children and fit in some exercise. That will be my metric because the medical fraternity will certainly not be able to give me a time or any other measure.

I know that I still need my afternoon naps, even though they rob me of some productive hours. I know that it’s not the time for me to resume running. I’m doing yoga at the moment which I’m really enjoying. It is both healing and challenging so it suits my needs of recovery and to strive for perfection.

I do feel as though I’m entering a new phase of recovery now. My health is coming right and although I still need to take care, I’d like to shift my focus to my future. According to my thinking, I have been exceedingly patient in allowing myself to recover and to not worry too much about my future career. We all know that my passion is writing but I have not yet made any concrete plans as to how my career will look going forward. It frightens me to not know, but at least I am sure of what I do know: cubicles will be the death of me.

I have found a wonderful coach who also practices healing. I’m certain that she will be a key part of the next phase of recovery for me. I’m hoping she can help guide me in the direction I’d like to go, helping me to define my path and create an income stream out of what I love to do. One of the current challenges for me is to understand that no income does not mean no value. I have an ingrained belief that I need to be a contributing member of society to be valuable. How I measure that value now needs to change.

"When you are content to be simply yourself and don't compare or compete,
everybody will respect you." ~ Lao Tzu

Dig a Little Deeper

As a mother of small children, I watch a lot of animated movies. Have you seen the movie The Princess and The Frog? The main character, Tiana, is a hard working woman who has a constant need to prove herself. She gets transformed into a frog along with a frivolous prince and they embark on an adventure in the bayou in order to become human again.  Along the way, they both learn a valuable lesson about what they truly need and how it differs from what they want.

The little frogs encounter Mama Odie, a voodoo priestess, who guides them towards their destinies. She sings a gorgeous song about getting what you need instead of what you want. During the song the prince realises that he needs Tiana but Tiana doesn’t have any revelations. At the end of the song, she thinks the message was to dig a little deeper into her reserves and work even harder towards her goals. I got a flashback of the song and the scene where Tiana just doesn’t get it. What prompted the flashback was reading some of my goals towards the end of last year. My health had been deteriorating for months, with mainly symptoms of fatigue and headaches. I thought the problem was motivation and I thought if I could just set the right targets, I’d get there.

My revelation over the past few months has been that my days need more writing in them. And yet I’ve let my inner critic bully me into believing that my book is rubbish and that no-one will want to read it. I think I’ve been procrastinating by arranging too many social outings and not only has it tired me out, but it has also distracted me from making progress on the work. My idol, Elizabeth Gilbert, has often mentioned that quality is not our responsibility; we just have to show up and do the work. As I’ve mentioned, I’m working through the creative recovery program in the book the Artist’s Way. The book has taught me that showing up is the most important thing I can do, even in the face of negative feedback and the Wet Blankets who will try to squash my dream. 

So perhaps my lesson from the past few weeks, feeling that my health is slipping backwards after all these months, is now clear: DO MORE WRITING. This morning I spent about ninety minutes on my book and it felt great. The quality cannot be guaranteed yet but that’s not my focus. Right now, it’s my job to show up and write. For hours if I can. And how do I feel? Great! I want to feel like this every day and this thought has made me more resolved to finish this book. 

I saw my doctor this morning and he confirmed that I’m now in remission officially. I have been working towards this point for a long time and I have been worrying about my health and my constraints a lot. Last week’s setback of feeling so tired and feeling like I’m losing ground was perhaps a lesson that needed to come before the remission confirmation. Maybe I needed to feel that tired again to remind me that I don’t just dive into life again full steam ahead because it won’t serve me.

So perhaps I got what I needed, and not what I thought I wanted. 

Mindfulness as a means to Reduce Suffering

As someone with a stress-induced illness, it’s clear that our thoughts affect our health. It is possible to change the quality of our thoughts to reduce the stress. It is possible, but not easy and I’m not getting it right. I have suffered a set-back in my health lately due to stress. Worrying about how my actions will affect others; thinking about how people will react to me wanting to live my life fully; worrying about how my new path defines me and what people will say about it.

You can see from the statements above is that these are all thoughts and worries about the future. Focussing on the present and where I am today is a healthier and more productive pastime. I don’t enjoy it though because it’s hard to face the reality of the state of my health. I look at others achieving their goals, doing ultra-marathons, volunteering to help others, enjoying social events and I feel so despondent. For a person who has always been goal-focussed and achievement oriented, this state of recovery is so very frustrating. I’m not achieving anything. I’ve tried to apply goal setting and structure with my self-care roster so that I feel empowered. Having a goal to recover just feels lame and a short bout of stress has knocked my progress back weeks.

It is impossible to live a life without stress. How will I survive if I can’t accommodate any stress? I’m trying to turn my energies to things that I can do at home: reading, writing and my crochet projects. At times in the past week I’ve felt too tired to read. It’s so hard to remain upbeat and focussed on recovery at times like this. I’m really tired of being sick. I want to live life fully. I want to chase my dreams. But I feel so handicapped. And I’ve had to let go of goals from the past because I know my health will not support them.

I’m reading a great book on how to boost your resilience. In doing the quizzes in the book it is evident to me that I am already a resilient person. I always try to understand the lesson in difficult life circumstances. I’ve been wondering why I’ve been given this drive to achieve and this lesson to recover. Seems a little incongruent, Universe, can you please give me a clear message? 

Maybe I’m still doing too much and I just need to learn to stay at home and just write. I’m probably not spending enough time practicing mindfulness as that seems to be the key to worrying less about the future or ruminating on the past and how I got to this poor state of health.

I’ve had my fair share of difficult experiences in life and I usually find some lessons in them.  I know that becoming sick has helped me change my path and that my life will be better ultimately. But to stay in the here and now when it’s so very limiting and frustrating, is really hard. I feel like I’m in a tiny room with no windows and I’m just trying to break out into the sunlight. Maybe this lesson is about not doing and just being. Grrr! 

“In the ash of suffering, a phoenix can be born.” ~ Thich Nhat Hanh

Two Steps Backwards

Just as I thought I was approaching being in remission, my health has been deteriorating. The reason is achingly clear to me: I was not being true to myself. It is truly amazing to me how thoughts can create such an effect on the body. I have been under a little more strain at home with my husband being away recently. But the main issue has been that I have realised I simply cannot go back to my business, even in its altered form.

I have been on a medical sabbatical for three of the agreed four months. My business is transforming into a new entity, with new people and focusing on offering services that are more aligned with my interests than the previous company was. However, it’s still not my passion. It has made me wonder if I should ever have entered the corporate world and if I should have entered the IT industry. They seem quite far from who I am now, in a few short months of being away. As much as I appreciate the shareholders rearranging and accommodating me, I simply cannot enter a business that does not energise me. And it is not fair and honest to string them along for another month once I know that it’s not my future. It’s not fair on them and it’s causing internal discord with me, resulting in stress.

Once we have acknowledged that we require meaning in our lives, there is no turning back. Once we realise that we need to be congruent with our thoughts, words, family, friends, work, leisure and decisions, we cannot go against our true self. I have read The Alchemist this week and what perfect timing for me on my journey to fulfil my destiny. Once we have that hunger for our ‘treasure’, there is simply no alternative course of action. “The boy and his heart had become friends, and neither was capable now of betraying the other.” ~ Paulo Coelho

I know that my health has been improving since last year and I have started to measure  progress by how many hours of productive work I can do per day. I’m now able to do about three hours a day of meeting or writing until I start to feel fatigued. So with such limited time available, there is no room for people or activities that drain me. If I’m spending my only precious three hours per day on something that I don’t enjoy, I will never be well. And I will never have the strength or energy for the things that I do enjoy i.e. writing.

I will completely sabotage my recovery to date if I give into the need to make money and please others. How can I write this blog about following your passion, and spend hours a day doing something I hate? It would be too incongruent and would literally make me sicker.

As I have mentioned in a previous blog, I love Gary Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages. The book discusses the concept that we all have a ‘love tank’ that starts to diminish if we are not receiving love in the way we require it. The tank eventually gets empty and that’s when relationships break down. I think this wonderful concept can be extended to our own energy tanks too. I have given so much in the past that I am completely depleted. 

The stress of the past week has caused my energy tank to be so empty that I’m cancelling social engagements. I have to stay home, care for myself and start to fill the tank.

I have decided that I simply cannot return to my business. I am sorry to let the other shareholders down but I’m really in no position to give of myself for anyone else’s benefit. I need to fill my tank and I can only do that by doing things that I enjoy, like writing and creative activities that I can do at home.

I do find this set-back enormously disappointing and it’s hard not to feel completely despondent. What makes it worse is that people cannot see it. I still have people asking me if I’m doing any exercise. Would you ask someone with Cancer if they’re doing exercise? This illness is no joke, it’s not imaginary and I’m really struggling. Do I have to roll around on the floor to make people realise just how bad it is? That sounds like too much effort for someone with an empty tank.

How Do You Restore Yourself?

In suffering from a stress-induced illness, I realise that I was not caring for myself properly. At the time of my worst symptoms it was really difficult for me to understand how this happened. A serious diagnosis leads to a great deal of introspection and self-exploration. In so doing, I have come to realise the sources of my stress and the things that drain my energy.

I have noticed that there are many people who are sufficiently aware that they need to recharge in order to avoid burning out. Someone I know runs an exclusive fashion boutique and she takes every Monday morning for herself to catch up on things and to get organised for the week. Another friend recently took herself away for the weekend to have a massage, strolls by the sea and a change of scenery. Someone else I know visits a health spa for a week a year just to escape the humdrum of life. My previous business coach took herself out to a movie now and then. In a previous post, I spoke of these actions as a firebreak, in specific reference to the women’s retreat I recently attended.

Having developed a stress-induced illness myself, I’m now much more aware and interested in those who are heading the same way. I have noticed a lot of people lately who are either in the midst of a burnout or are approaching it rapidly. No-one but themselves can adjust their lives or prevent them from developing major health concerns. If you are feeling close to burnout, take a step back and find a way to restore yourself. Even if it’s just half an hour in the day to listen to your favourite music or to do something you really enjoy doing. The effects of doing those small acts of self-care can be quite powerful over time.

I often wonder who is reading my blog and what they’re thinking. I would so love to hear from you and to hear about what methods you use to restore yourself. I see it as part of my research going forward in writing about my favourite topic: aligning with your life passion, and thereby increasing your joy. 

I have found that it’s tricky to get in touch with what you love after living a life of obligation for a long time. I was unable to answer the question “what are you passionate about?” for at least six months. Now I can say “writing”, “helping people” and “aligning your job with your talents” but there may be some more things that emerge in the next few months.

Personally I’m getting much closer to my future career, although I’m not quite there yet. One of the really important steps is to understand what you don’t enjoy or what drains you. Once you have identified that, you can no longer continue doing what you did before. Passion is a major ingredient to success and if you don’t have passion for what you’re doing, it’s not sustainable.  Being aware of how little energy I have now is actually a blessing because I’m clear that I can’t spend the few hours of energy I have on something I don’t enjoy. I need to spend my precious reserves on things that energise and restore me.

I’m shaping my life to remove things that detract from my happiness level and including things that increase it. I am still very constrained in terms of how much I can achieve but I try to look back to remind myself of how far I’ve come and to keep up the focus on healing and recovery if I want the future I have my sights on.

Are Teachers always Right?

When we were children our parents held authority in high esteem. Teachers, policemen, priests and doctors were treated with a sort of reverence. Now our society has become less trusting with the exposure of paedophile priests and corrupt police. We have learned that they are only people and we have the right to challenge them in the best interest of our family and our health.

This week I’ve been quite upset by an ‘issue’ raised by my six-year-old’s teacher. She was implying that our daughter has ADHD and requires medication to calm her down. My initial reaction was confusion because that’s not my experience of my daughter. I thought about my child’s enthusiasm and how much energy she has. Of course, having serious fatigue makes some parts of caring for kids very difficult. Mealtimes are a real strain and this particular daughter is not a great eater. I started to wonder if the teacher had a point.

And then I took a step back and tried to see my child as objectively as I can. I saw a little girl who can follow a long series of instructions, who can sit for hours doing a puzzle well beyond her age category, who gets so immersed in her art and drawing that we have to pester her to go to bed. She can sit quietly for hours doing things that she enjoys, she has good friendships at school and is responsible with her belongings.  Being a December baby, she is a full year younger than some peers in our schooling system. And yet she is just as capable.

Looking at my daughter in this way left me feeling a range of emotions. Firstly, guilt that I even considered the teacher could be right. And anger that the teacher is so ready to medicate my child as the first course of action. I’d guess that my daughter is probably bored as she is on top of all the work and is a creative person. The repetitive routine of the lessons is probably not that enthralling.

And then I felt a strange sensation about my childhood and I realised for the first time that my parents never gave me the benefit of the doubt when challenged by authority figures. It was probably linked to the ‘children should be seen but not heard’ upbringing that my parents had. But I felt that they didn’t trust me above an outsider in a position of authority. The feeling that your parents aren’t on your side can have a detrimental effect on self-esteem.

I sometimes chuckle at those parents who are so fervent in defending their child, even if it’s quite clear that they were in the wrong. Yes, it is important to be fair, but I never want my children to feel that I’m not in their corner. I want them to know that I have their back regardless. Those parents are getting it right in supporting their children and giving them that sensation of being loved unconditionally.

At this age, children become quite pushy and tend to make more demands.  I get ordered around not to sing in the car and to put on this song and turn off that song. In trying to make sure my needs are met, I’m conscious of not giving in to every demand. But it also occurs to me that they don’t have a car in which they can decide the music. This is the time for them to start asserting themselves and it’s quite cute to watch them getting interested in music that is not sung by a purple dinosaur.  

What followed for me felt like a rush of love, acceptance and approval of my beautiful, intelligent and capable child. I looked at her with a new respect and I sincerely hope that I can help her to keep her strong resolve and be unfazed by those who don’t appreciate her worth. 

Are you Co-dependent?

In my corporate life I spent a lot of time mentoring graduates and I can tell you that it was the best part of my experience. Better than the projects that saved the organisation millions. I felt appreciated and I knew that I was making a difference. The relationships were mutually beneficial even though the graduates thought that only they were getting something out of it. They were enthusiastic, grateful and eager to learn. I found working with them enormously rewarding.  

The example I used above is a healthy relationship, with give and take and both parties benefiting. However, there are relationships that are not so healthy. I’ve written previously about the importance boundaries in order to keep relationships healthy. An unhealthy relationship could also be a codependent one.

According to Wikipedia, “codependent relationships are a type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person’s addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement. Among the core characteristics of codependency, the most common theme is an excessive reliance on other people for approval and identity.”

I tend to be the reliable one. I tend to be the person who always attends or hosts the important family functions even though I’m struggling with my health and looking after two small children. I tend to be the one who pushes through difficult things at work rather than burden other people with them. I wonder if people appreciate how difficult it is to be the strong one all the time. It can be exhausting – an unnecessary drain on my already low energy reserves.

Being strong and being capable means that you can attract people into your life who need help and support. They might appear competent to others but around you they are needy in terms of the reassurance and acknowledgement they require on a regular basis. Of course it’s nice to be needed and I enjoy encouraging people and giving them opportunities for growth. But I don’t enjoy it when people rely on me for their future happiness. It actually makes me quite angry that someone would put that on me.

What kind of friend would I be if I placed my hopes and dreams in the hands of another? I think that’s unfair. I would never burden anyone with my well-being psychologically, emotionally, physically or career wise. There are many who feel that it is their manager’s responsibility to nurture their career. Why would you put your future in the hands of another? What guarantee do you have that they know what you want, and will spend their time and energy on getting it right? Surely, people are too busy spending their time and energy on their own needs? It's up to you to take ownership. 

The trouble with running a business and being the ‘boss’ is that people think it’s up to you to sort out their career path. They assume that you’ll always be there for them to lean on and to reassure them. No. My health has collapsed from a number of factors, one of those being the burden of obligation to others for too long.

I now realise that I’m fully entitled to shake off those hanging onto my coat tails and to insist that the relationship changes or ends. I wont be an enabler. I’ve got enough to carry around with caring for a family, getting my health right and finding a new career path. I certainly can’t be propping up other people if I want to get well.

You are responsible for your career. A good manager will keep an eye out for opportunities and help you grow in order to equip you for future roles. But they are not accountable – YOU are! Take action to make your life better instead of lamenting your troubles when people don’t deliver your happiness. Do you see how ridiculous that sounds?

Nostalgia can be a Mood Booster

Yesterday I was looking for a mosaic kit to do with my six year old and I came across an old shoe box of letters. Yes, letters that were handwritten and posted with an actual stamp on the envelope. It doesn't seem like so long ago, only the 1990s when mobile phones and email were not so prevalent for us. The letters were from my time at university and I read them with great enjoyment.

The contents were from a few close friends and even some postcards from my mother. You see, I went to stay in another city for my studies. For most of my childhood I had to play the adult role, bringing peace and order to a chaotic environment. I was the mediator between all the various factions in the family. As I've mentioned previously, harmony is my top strength on the Gallup Strengths Finder. So it was quite a blessing to go away to university and to be able to have some fun. I consumed far too much alcohol and have memories of a few antics that I’d rather forget. Finally away from the tension and drama of home, I let my hair down and really relished the university life.

In the first year I had to share a room with a rather interesting roommate. She was stick thin with short dark hair and very pretty. All the boys envied me and tried to elicit details as to what she looked like without her clothes on. Her childhood was not neglectful but rather oppressive. In true student style she rebelled and was intoxicated almost every night. She partook in something called ‘bush diving’ where you fling your body into nearby bushes after taking in sufficient liquid courage. Needless to say she didn't obtain her degree and left university after a few attempts at various other degrees.

I felt no need to rebel since I was given a front door key when I was about thirteen. My brother and I spent a few Christmas holidays on our own, throwing some rather fun dinner parties on the lawn of our family home. We lost our home due to my father's company debt while I was away at university. None of my toys or possessions were kept so I have very few items to hold onto for nostalgia. I suppose that is what made reading the letters such a treat. Losing everything  helped me not to hang onto material things because they can always be replaced. It's relationships that are the key to a happy life.

Reading the letters and notes from university friends and my old school friends, I noticed how many people were thanking me for favours. I found it so wonderful how people took the time to actually write in the first place, let alone such a lovely gesture to thank me in writing. 

In recent years I've been so consumed with my troubles and my stress that I have had difficulty being a good friend. Graves’ disease has symptoms such as irritability and depression and the pure fatigue caused me to be really ratty with those in my vicinity. I'm noticing as I get better that I have the capacity to notice what is happening in the lives of others. Hopefully I can regain the ability to be a caring friend again as I sort out my health. 

The contents of the letters made me laugh at what things were important to us at age nineteen. It’s sometimes the daily routines and the small things shared that keep relationships alive. The little notes at my university residence telling me that I missed a tea party and the letters from school friends saying that they missed me. I found cards from my family and our cleaner even, who is now deceased, welcoming me home and saying how much I was missed. 

I think at school and university I used to laugh such a lot. I had a great deal of energy and had so much more fun than I do now. I often wonder if my daughter somehow extracted my fun when she was born because she seems full of life as I used to be before having children. Isn't it a pity that we lose our fun-loving side when stress and responsibility take their toll? 

I have always enjoyed small groups and one-on-one interactions. I like to have discussions on a deep level, discussing issues that bring real meaning to life. I struggle to enjoy situations where the men separate to drink beer and talk business and the women discuss child rearing and grooming. 

I think I’m getting so much better spotting the appropriate depth that I require in a friendship. I have also come to realise that when you have an experience such as a serious diagnosis, you can outgrow some relationships. Some things that seemed so important in the past have become trivial and don’t require the same focus. It is sad to have friendships dwindle but I think that as I recover I will attract a different sort of person into my life with friendships that will feed my soul more.

This weekend I was amazed to see a school friend post something on Facebook that suggested she has no hope or desire to improve her life. I find that to be frightening. For me life is more than having things just happen to me reactively while I wait to die. I know that I'm empowered to change my life for the better, despite what the wet blankets say. I'm already doing it in fact. I want the people around me to be inspiring and to push me to improve myself and enhance my happiness. More active happiness enhancing and less despair, please.