Are you Co-dependent?

In my corporate life I spent a lot of time mentoring graduates and I can tell you that it was the best part of my experience. Better than the projects that saved the organisation millions. I felt appreciated and I knew that I was making a difference. The relationships were mutually beneficial even though the graduates thought that only they were getting something out of it. They were enthusiastic, grateful and eager to learn. I found working with them enormously rewarding.  

The example I used above is a healthy relationship, with give and take and both parties benefiting. However, there are relationships that are not so healthy. I’ve written previously about the importance boundaries in order to keep relationships healthy. An unhealthy relationship could also be a codependent one.

According to Wikipedia, “codependent relationships are a type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person’s addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement. Among the core characteristics of codependency, the most common theme is an excessive reliance on other people for approval and identity.”

I tend to be the reliable one. I tend to be the person who always attends or hosts the important family functions even though I’m struggling with my health and looking after two small children. I tend to be the one who pushes through difficult things at work rather than burden other people with them. I wonder if people appreciate how difficult it is to be the strong one all the time. It can be exhausting – an unnecessary drain on my already low energy reserves.

Being strong and being capable means that you can attract people into your life who need help and support. They might appear competent to others but around you they are needy in terms of the reassurance and acknowledgement they require on a regular basis. Of course it’s nice to be needed and I enjoy encouraging people and giving them opportunities for growth. But I don’t enjoy it when people rely on me for their future happiness. It actually makes me quite angry that someone would put that on me.

What kind of friend would I be if I placed my hopes and dreams in the hands of another? I think that’s unfair. I would never burden anyone with my well-being psychologically, emotionally, physically or career wise. There are many who feel that it is their manager’s responsibility to nurture their career. Why would you put your future in the hands of another? What guarantee do you have that they know what you want, and will spend their time and energy on getting it right? Surely, people are too busy spending their time and energy on their own needs? It's up to you to take ownership. 

The trouble with running a business and being the ‘boss’ is that people think it’s up to you to sort out their career path. They assume that you’ll always be there for them to lean on and to reassure them. No. My health has collapsed from a number of factors, one of those being the burden of obligation to others for too long.

I now realise that I’m fully entitled to shake off those hanging onto my coat tails and to insist that the relationship changes or ends. I wont be an enabler. I’ve got enough to carry around with caring for a family, getting my health right and finding a new career path. I certainly can’t be propping up other people if I want to get well.

You are responsible for your career. A good manager will keep an eye out for opportunities and help you grow in order to equip you for future roles. But they are not accountable – YOU are! Take action to make your life better instead of lamenting your troubles when people don’t deliver your happiness. Do you see how ridiculous that sounds?

What makes you mad?

A few of the articles and blog posts I've read recommend that you notice when you're getting mad. What accomplishments, jobs or activities of other people get you riled up? The emotion might also be envy. I gave it a lot of thought and I discovered I had experienced these emotions in two areas.

Firstly, those yoga moms who saunter out of their Porsche Cayenne, dripping with jewellery and looking awfully smug. I remember when I was on leave, getting very irritated when I did yoga at 9:30 am and seeing a mom from school in the class. It’s not that I wish I were not working, because I know that I have to work to remain sane. It’s more that they have freedom to look after themselves and there is still enough money to support a family. I've sacrificed a great deal of earnings over the past five years in order to run the business. Not only did I spend all day doing what I didn't enjoy, but I had no time for myself. Being unhappy with my routine of getting kids to school and feeling that I had to be at the office ‘just in case’, caused me to resent the people who have the flexibility for a mid-morning yoga class.

In the past few months, I have had the personal insight that I’d prefer to have flexible time and not be desk-bound all day. I’d gladly take a pay cut to enjoy more flexible hours and be able to spend some time looking after myself and helping my kids. I now have a healthy respect for those who have organised their schedules in such a way to bring in money but also enjoy life. There are those who work a four day week or those who work for a few hours in the morning and spend time with their kids in the afternoons. How have you arranged your working life around your needs?

The second thing that stirred up emotion for me was those who have written books. One that comes to mind is a friend who published a book in 2013. I most definitely was not mad because he’s truly a valuable person with much insight to offer. I wish him all the success with the book, the proceeds of which he even gives to charity. Not to mention the fact that we were featured in the book for our financial savvy! But I did feel envious when the book got published and remember wishing that I could publish a book.

I went to a seminar about six months ago and the very flashy presenter with tight pants and a shimmering smile spoke of ‘writing’ his book. He quite openly admitted that it was too much trouble to actually write the book and he had outsourced it.  At that moment, my dream diminished substantially. Nevertheless, I have not let go of that dream to write a book myself, with my own special flavour and style, that at least my friends will read.

I have spoken about the process of finding your passion and not to worry too much about monetising it initially. At first I wondered why you would write and publish something for someone else. It’s as hard as being a surrogate mother. But I suppose it’s not that strange that people are ghost writers since it’s a method of turning writing into revenue, which you cannot fault anyone for doing.

I previously did consulting work and do still enjoy putting together the documentation. For some, it is torture and they’d outsource it gladly. For me, it is the real joy of structuring solutions and making recommendations from a broad range of inputs. Another insight is that I'd like to include writing in my future career. Writing a book may end up being a personal goal or a hobby if you wish, but that’s fine too. The process of writing brings flow to my day and that's what I need. 

Initial research around 'How To Find Your Passion'

Some say passion is not something you can ‘find’. It’s not a noun and it’s not hiding somewhere to be discovered. I’m not sure I agree. Some people advocate waiting for your passion to find you. I disagree. I think that in the act of looking, you are more open to things that you may not have noticed before. In my search, I’m forging new relationships, meeting new people, discovering new fields of interest which could lead me to my career or life passion. 

I’m a pretty practical person and I do find this journey I’m on to be quite difficult. Spending time just focussing on healing, is rather frustrating for me since I’m an action-oriented problem solver. I find it hard to wait it out without taking action. So I've been reading up on what other people have written on the method of finding one’s passion. I've included some themes and have referenced the blogs I found most relevant for me.

Identify your talents, things you love, things you dream about, careers you thought you’d do when you were a kid. Think about things that make you feel connected to a purpose or a vision. Figure out when you’re in flow or when you used to be, if you have lost touch like I have. Some triggers could be asking yourself what you would do if you had infinite money; or thinking about what dreams you have given up on. Identify the themes in your life and your limiting beliefs. What are you telling yourself that you’ll never be or do?

Another way of looking at this is thinking about your legacy. I was once asked in a job interview what will be written on my tombstone. I didn't answer the question well, but it is a worthwhile exercise thinking about how we want to be remembered. Are you being true to your talents and your integrity?

Brainstorm around what you could do and try to suspend judgment initially. Don’t try to think about the competitive landscape or how you’d monetize it straight away. Doing this might discount something that could lead to a much happier existence. Some people find it useful to write down what other people say they are good at. However, don’t exclude anything that you’re not yet good at because it is possible to learn new skills in your area of passion.

Appreciate your uniqueness, what makes you special. Remember that each of us have something new to bring and recognise that not everyone thinks like you do. Appreciating yourself often opens your eyes to what you love and can help in the brainstorming process.

Slow down and do things like meditation and enjoying the silence. Enjoy the process and the questions – don’t rush. Chances are if you’re feeling in a state of flux, you’re not in the best position to make good decisions. Slowing things down also helps us listen to new opportunities that come our way. They are hard to grab onto if we’re not paying attention. Admittedly, I find this quite difficult but I have even downloaded an app to help me with meditation.

Clear the clutter - literally rid your cupboards of clutter and make space for the new. Learn to say no to things you don’t like, or want. Also consider clearing out emotional baggage by asking yourself what you need to let go of (guilt, anger, resentment). This may also be a time to terminate toxic relationships. Who in your life is hurting you so much that life is better without them? You can choose who you have in your life.

Sample some of the things you've identified as options. This may mean signing up for courses, starting a new hobby or reconnecting with one you've stopped. You could join volunteer groups, attend seminars or read books in your area of interest. Do some research and find out what people are doing. Pay attention to whether you’re still enjoying it as much as you’d hoped to, and make sure you’re having fun. This might be a time to filter things out of your list or focus on one or two.

Interview people who are doing what you've identified as a possible option. Ask about pitfalls and highlights, and find out how they make money from their talent. You can also seek out mentors and find people to support you on the journey of discovery. Change is easier when you surround yourself with people who believe in you.

An aspect of running a business that I really enjoyed was Marketing. I had a lot of fun experimenting with various media and cultivating a brand for our business. From the business not having a website when I joined, I carved out a unique brand with some beautiful elements (created by some very talented people).

In this process, I started to realise that I might become the face of debit order transactions. I could have pushed in that direction and positioned myself as the expert if I applied myself. But I deliberately didn't do that because I really didn't want to be known as that expert. Nothing against anyone who does, but it is not my passion and I was uncomfortable with the thought. Douglas Kruger wrote a solid guide to positioning yourself as an industry expert in Own Your Industry.  The more I read about it, the more uncomfortable I became. That helped me realise that I was indeed on the wrong path. I’d rather be remembered being a champion for loving your work, than one of debits.

I believe my future is connected with writing and spreading the philosophy of working in flow. I have about 25 to 30 years left of my career, hopefully. I can’t imagine devoting that level of effort and time to something I don’t enjoy. There are far too many people drudging through jobs they hate and spending decades looking forward to retirement. Why not construct your life around what you love so that you savour each day and stop wishing for some future that might not be there?

References

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/prescriptions-life/201205/five-steps-finding-your-passion

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/try-this-if-youre-struggling-to-find-your-passion/

http://amylynnandrews.com/how-to-find-your-passion/

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/8-ways-to-discover-your-passion-and-live-a-life-you-love/

http://fullife-coach.com/reignite-career-passion/

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/finding-your-special-thing-connect-with-your-passion/

When are you in Flow?

One of the most meaningful books I've read is Flow by Mihaly Csikszentmilalyi. He conducted research in countries all over the world to understand the concept of people being in ‘flow’ – a state ‘in which a person performing an activity is fully immersed in a feeling of energized focus, full involvement, and enjoyment in the process of the activity’. 

He identifies elements of enjoyment to be:

·         Intense and focused concentration on the present moment

·         Deep but effortless involvement that is all-consuming

·         We have a chance of completing the task

·         The task has clear goals

·         We receive immediate feedback

·         We can exercise control over actions

·         Concern for self disappears but emerges stronger afterwards

·         Sense of duration of time is altered – time flies or time stands still

In my personal life, I've been able to achieve flow through running. The contribution to my life in the past ten years has been substantial. The feeling of being fit enough to run an ultra-marathon is amazing. When you’re running ‘in the zone’ as many call it, all of the above criteria are fulfilled.

It really has nothing to do with flow but probably the best part of running for me is the camaraderie. I’m not a particularly fast runner but I’m able to persevere through long distance. My favourite times were the morning training runs with the girls: the laughter, the bonding and enjoying mutual progress towards our individual goals. The duel effect of being able to discuss your troubles and share ideas while releasing endorphins, has the ability to bring down cortisol levels. I have indeed missed running and today I took a slow walk as I’m allowed to start exercising again. I am deeply concerned that I’ll never be able to do an ultra-marathon again, given my health condition and the fact that the training puts a lot of strain on the body. But I am at least improving and being able to exercise is a great blessing.

Although I have experienced flow early in my career, my Managing Director role offered none whatsoever. Looking at the elements of enjoyment, things that stands out for me is that we have a chance of completing the task and that receiving immediate feedback. Building a business is very slow and there is not really an end. Many factors are outside your control and even though you set targets, there are so many factors that can interfere with your efforts. I’m not known for my patience and enduring five years of struggle for a business to turn around is really too long for me.

Did you notice how flow includes being in the present moment and intense concentration? Being able to concentrate fully is important and that can be hard to achieve in an open-plan office environment, especially for an introvert. I wonder how much our working environment supports us being in flow, and being able to deliver the best outcomes we are cable of.

I believe it to be really worthwhile to find flow in our work. Many people have found their passion and engineered their lives to make a living out of it. For some it may happen by chance but for others, it is a calculated effort. I’m most fascinated by those who have made a radical change of industry or role. I’d love to write a book about the journey of finding a career passion and am really interested in the stories of those who have travelled this path.

I’m reading The How of Happiness by Sonja Lyubomirsky at the moment and the first chapter includes the revelation that of our happiness, 40% can be influence by us. The author is almost snobbish about ‘anecdotal’ books on finding happiness but the good news is that the metrics in her book are based on empirical studies and scientific research. If our disposition is fixed and our circumstances cannot be fully controlled, at least the remaining 40% can be influenced by our own thoughts and actions. That is tremendously empowering. How much effort are you making to improve the quality of your life and to centre your work around flow experiences?

Happiness is hard sometimes

I wasn't entirely correct when I said I’m not following any blogs. My cousin, Carly, is documenting her journey with Cancer and I found her blog to be really good and gave me a lot of insight as to what that journey is like. I have found some new blogs to follow on being positive and how to ensure a happy life. I found a good post about finding your passion too. I’d also highly recommend following Project Happiness on Facebook, giving regular updates and positive messages.

Gretchen Rubin has been a big inspiration to me. Seeing other people want to grow and improve themselves is so inspiring for me. But it’s clear that not everyone is at the same point in evolving as a person. Some have elected not to evolve at all and I find that to be tragic. I have always had this expectation that the older people get, the wiser they should be. This is most definitely not true. I had neighbour in a complex I used to live in before I got married. She was in her fifties at the time and would constantly lose her temper with neighbours, would lash out racist remarks and be generally critical of everyone. I remember wondering how she had not mastered herself at her age. She’s not open to growth sadly, relationships, being a key ingredient to a happy life, are a constant source of pain for her. Not everyone wants to be a better sister, friend, parent, wife, father in the next five years than they are now. Weird.

I've noticed lately that some close family members are not comfortable with the changes I’m making. I've been accused of being ‘a bit mad’, ‘ruthless’ and I’m sure a lot of other things. I say it’s a good sign. I say that they’re seeing I’m changing and it’s shaking up their world. Gone is the compliant peace-making mediator of this family. It’s all OK and life will continue, somewhat differently. I now see the world a lot clearer since I've taken a step back. I’m now protecting myself and my family from harm. I’m taking action to ensure those around me are supporting me, not hurting me. Sadly sometimes it's those who you expect the most support from who provide the least.

Just like Taylor Swift, I’m going to ‘Shake it Off’ and continue on my journey to recovery. I haven’t meant to be cryptic about my condition so I’ll just spell it out if anyone’s interested. I have developed Graves’ disease (bad name I know). It is an auto-immune attack on the thyroid, induced by stress. Wikipedia says there is no scientific evidence of environmental factors causing it but in my case it is not hereditary and I've been under a great deal of stress for about five years now. The thyroid is indeed the unsung hero of the body. If it’s working properly no-one gives it a second thought. But if it breaks, the proverbial hits the fan.

My symptoms have been headaches (probably from stress), tremors, irregular heartbeat, sleep disturbance and most notably fatigue. This is the reason I’m not able to work a full day as I get too exhausted. Unfortunately I don't look sick and many people are under the impression that I'm perfectly fine. That might make me have to fight a bit harder for my recovery than if I had red spots or no hair. 

So I need to surround myself in a cozy little cocoon of my immediate family and those friends who love and support me. I’ll be doing very little socialising over the next few months but do have a few important commitments to keep and will do so gladly, for the sake of the relationships that count. 

You certainly have to work for your own happiness. Even if it means putting up boundaries and rules to secure your place, research and testing out techniques. I'm making a concerted effort to get it right and sometimes it's painful and sometimes it's wonderful. The end state is what counts really.