Are you Co-dependent?

In my corporate life I spent a lot of time mentoring graduates and I can tell you that it was the best part of my experience. Better than the projects that saved the organisation millions. I felt appreciated and I knew that I was making a difference. The relationships were mutually beneficial even though the graduates thought that only they were getting something out of it. They were enthusiastic, grateful and eager to learn. I found working with them enormously rewarding.  

The example I used above is a healthy relationship, with give and take and both parties benefiting. However, there are relationships that are not so healthy. I’ve written previously about the importance boundaries in order to keep relationships healthy. An unhealthy relationship could also be a codependent one.

According to Wikipedia, “codependent relationships are a type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person’s addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement. Among the core characteristics of codependency, the most common theme is an excessive reliance on other people for approval and identity.”

I tend to be the reliable one. I tend to be the person who always attends or hosts the important family functions even though I’m struggling with my health and looking after two small children. I tend to be the one who pushes through difficult things at work rather than burden other people with them. I wonder if people appreciate how difficult it is to be the strong one all the time. It can be exhausting – an unnecessary drain on my already low energy reserves.

Being strong and being capable means that you can attract people into your life who need help and support. They might appear competent to others but around you they are needy in terms of the reassurance and acknowledgement they require on a regular basis. Of course it’s nice to be needed and I enjoy encouraging people and giving them opportunities for growth. But I don’t enjoy it when people rely on me for their future happiness. It actually makes me quite angry that someone would put that on me.

What kind of friend would I be if I placed my hopes and dreams in the hands of another? I think that’s unfair. I would never burden anyone with my well-being psychologically, emotionally, physically or career wise. There are many who feel that it is their manager’s responsibility to nurture their career. Why would you put your future in the hands of another? What guarantee do you have that they know what you want, and will spend their time and energy on getting it right? Surely, people are too busy spending their time and energy on their own needs? It's up to you to take ownership. 

The trouble with running a business and being the ‘boss’ is that people think it’s up to you to sort out their career path. They assume that you’ll always be there for them to lean on and to reassure them. No. My health has collapsed from a number of factors, one of those being the burden of obligation to others for too long.

I now realise that I’m fully entitled to shake off those hanging onto my coat tails and to insist that the relationship changes or ends. I wont be an enabler. I’ve got enough to carry around with caring for a family, getting my health right and finding a new career path. I certainly can’t be propping up other people if I want to get well.

You are responsible for your career. A good manager will keep an eye out for opportunities and help you grow in order to equip you for future roles. But they are not accountable – YOU are! Take action to make your life better instead of lamenting your troubles when people don’t deliver your happiness. Do you see how ridiculous that sounds?

How Strong are your Boundaries?

One of the things that contributed to my recent health collapse is poor emotional boundaries. I didn't have strong boundaries established and that meant that anyone could impose almost anything on me. I wasn't firm enough, even with my children, in articulating what is for me and what is for them.

If you’re wondering what I mean, I’ll give you an example. I set up a small office at home that leads off my bedroom. Somehow our exercise bike became part of the furniture also. My children like to follow me around and they end up bringing dolls, marbles, toys and a myriad of other things into my tiny office. You can imagine what happens when they start fighting over the toys and how much work I can get done. So from now on, my office is off limits. They can knock but they can’t come in. This is my space. This is where I write and think. This is where I can control the noise level, the ambiance, the scent. It is in fact the only tiny space of the house that I can make my own.  

I let them overflow into my space without being clear that this is for me and it is not a playroom. I’m happy to sit with them in their rooms or the TV room to play and to create things together. But not in my office. That is my space and my space only. Now to find another spot for that exercise bike…

My office boundary is a physical one – it is a room. The most important of boundaries are emotional boundaries that define healthy relationships. Unhealthy relationships have unclear boundaries, or boundaries that are encroached upon repeatedly. Is someone taking your time, money or energy that you’re not comfortable giving? You might also be subject to unwelcome advances from a colleague or friend.

Establishing and maintaining boundaries takes energy, of which I have very little at the moment. I have put up boundaries to protect myself and to improve the relationships in my life. And it has been difficult, given my need to please others and my aversion of conflict. However, I am slowly making headway and ensuring that my energy is not drained by emotionally or financially needy people.

A strong sense of self goes hand in hand with boundaries. When your own boundaries are weak or when you overflow into spaces where you’re not welcome, relationships suffer. Being clear of who you are and what you want, helps to define healthy boundaries. Prioritising your own needs is not selfish, it is vital for maintaining a strong sense of self. As much as closeness with your partner or spouse is important, even more important is maintaining the 'you' they fell in love with. 

One hears about creating ‘me time’ a lot lately. Spending time alone helps to build the sense of self and helps to let others know that your needs are important. I would strongly encourage everyone to take some time for themselves, once a week at least, to safeguard your sanity and strengthen your identity.

Relationships are probably the greatest source of happiness in our lives. They take work and they need to be give-and-take. Think about the boundaries in your life: professional, friendships and family. Make sure you're respecting the boundaries of others. Make sure your boundaries are firm and that people know where they stand. Expect some backlash when you establish new boundaries as people do try to keep you as they want you to be.

But in the words of Robert Frost, “Good fences make good neighbors”.