How Do You Restore Yourself?

In suffering from a stress-induced illness, I realise that I was not caring for myself properly. At the time of my worst symptoms it was really difficult for me to understand how this happened. A serious diagnosis leads to a great deal of introspection and self-exploration. In so doing, I have come to realise the sources of my stress and the things that drain my energy.

I have noticed that there are many people who are sufficiently aware that they need to recharge in order to avoid burning out. Someone I know runs an exclusive fashion boutique and she takes every Monday morning for herself to catch up on things and to get organised for the week. Another friend recently took herself away for the weekend to have a massage, strolls by the sea and a change of scenery. Someone else I know visits a health spa for a week a year just to escape the humdrum of life. My previous business coach took herself out to a movie now and then. In a previous post, I spoke of these actions as a firebreak, in specific reference to the women’s retreat I recently attended.

Having developed a stress-induced illness myself, I’m now much more aware and interested in those who are heading the same way. I have noticed a lot of people lately who are either in the midst of a burnout or are approaching it rapidly. No-one but themselves can adjust their lives or prevent them from developing major health concerns. If you are feeling close to burnout, take a step back and find a way to restore yourself. Even if it’s just half an hour in the day to listen to your favourite music or to do something you really enjoy doing. The effects of doing those small acts of self-care can be quite powerful over time.

I often wonder who is reading my blog and what they’re thinking. I would so love to hear from you and to hear about what methods you use to restore yourself. I see it as part of my research going forward in writing about my favourite topic: aligning with your life passion, and thereby increasing your joy. 

I have found that it’s tricky to get in touch with what you love after living a life of obligation for a long time. I was unable to answer the question “what are you passionate about?” for at least six months. Now I can say “writing”, “helping people” and “aligning your job with your talents” but there may be some more things that emerge in the next few months.

Personally I’m getting much closer to my future career, although I’m not quite there yet. One of the really important steps is to understand what you don’t enjoy or what drains you. Once you have identified that, you can no longer continue doing what you did before. Passion is a major ingredient to success and if you don’t have passion for what you’re doing, it’s not sustainable.  Being aware of how little energy I have now is actually a blessing because I’m clear that I can’t spend the few hours of energy I have on something I don’t enjoy. I need to spend my precious reserves on things that energise and restore me.

I’m shaping my life to remove things that detract from my happiness level and including things that increase it. I am still very constrained in terms of how much I can achieve but I try to look back to remind myself of how far I’ve come and to keep up the focus on healing and recovery if I want the future I have my sights on.

Are you Co-dependent?

In my corporate life I spent a lot of time mentoring graduates and I can tell you that it was the best part of my experience. Better than the projects that saved the organisation millions. I felt appreciated and I knew that I was making a difference. The relationships were mutually beneficial even though the graduates thought that only they were getting something out of it. They were enthusiastic, grateful and eager to learn. I found working with them enormously rewarding.  

The example I used above is a healthy relationship, with give and take and both parties benefiting. However, there are relationships that are not so healthy. I’ve written previously about the importance boundaries in order to keep relationships healthy. An unhealthy relationship could also be a codependent one.

According to Wikipedia, “codependent relationships are a type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person’s addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement. Among the core characteristics of codependency, the most common theme is an excessive reliance on other people for approval and identity.”

I tend to be the reliable one. I tend to be the person who always attends or hosts the important family functions even though I’m struggling with my health and looking after two small children. I tend to be the one who pushes through difficult things at work rather than burden other people with them. I wonder if people appreciate how difficult it is to be the strong one all the time. It can be exhausting – an unnecessary drain on my already low energy reserves.

Being strong and being capable means that you can attract people into your life who need help and support. They might appear competent to others but around you they are needy in terms of the reassurance and acknowledgement they require on a regular basis. Of course it’s nice to be needed and I enjoy encouraging people and giving them opportunities for growth. But I don’t enjoy it when people rely on me for their future happiness. It actually makes me quite angry that someone would put that on me.

What kind of friend would I be if I placed my hopes and dreams in the hands of another? I think that’s unfair. I would never burden anyone with my well-being psychologically, emotionally, physically or career wise. There are many who feel that it is their manager’s responsibility to nurture their career. Why would you put your future in the hands of another? What guarantee do you have that they know what you want, and will spend their time and energy on getting it right? Surely, people are too busy spending their time and energy on their own needs? It's up to you to take ownership. 

The trouble with running a business and being the ‘boss’ is that people think it’s up to you to sort out their career path. They assume that you’ll always be there for them to lean on and to reassure them. No. My health has collapsed from a number of factors, one of those being the burden of obligation to others for too long.

I now realise that I’m fully entitled to shake off those hanging onto my coat tails and to insist that the relationship changes or ends. I wont be an enabler. I’ve got enough to carry around with caring for a family, getting my health right and finding a new career path. I certainly can’t be propping up other people if I want to get well.

You are responsible for your career. A good manager will keep an eye out for opportunities and help you grow in order to equip you for future roles. But they are not accountable – YOU are! Take action to make your life better instead of lamenting your troubles when people don’t deliver your happiness. Do you see how ridiculous that sounds?

Stumbling on Grumpy

Daniel Gilbert is a well-known author of the book Stumbling On Happiness. I've just finished it and to be honest, I’m not sure why he’s so renowned. Gilbert spends the entire book explaining why we are wrong. We can’t predict what will make us happy, our memories are flawed and we can’t even see straight. There is no question that his writing style is entertaining and he has a great sense of humour but I’m really not sure that his chosen topic is ideal, given his outlook.

Anyone who chooses to read a book about happiness, is probably wanting to be happier. Even the process of reading the book made me unhappy as I counted the pages towards the end. I’d favour reading The How of Happiness or the The Happiness Project if you want to work on being happier.

The basic tenet of Gilbert’s book is that we are highly incapable of predicting our future emotions. But why is that so important? Certainly, if we are about to make a big life decision, we’d like to make sure it will bring us happiness. He shows in the research that it’s more accurate to ask someone else in that position how happy it makes them. But no-one can truly be completely in the position you wish to full as they are not you. 

If you know yourself well, you will know what you like, you know where you want to live or who you want to marry or what career to follow. Imagine me asking a writer if it’s fun and basing my future career on that. Wouldn't I be the fool?

I’m expending a great deal of time and effort into knowing my strengths and weaknesses, talents and desires. Once those are completely clear, I can formulate options for my new career, try them out and make a decision. I’m all for talking to people to understand the pros and cons of any role and what others find challenging and rewarding. I like to obtain views from others as my leadership style is affiliatory. But no-one comes with my experiences, background, culture, beliefs, fears, talents and dreams.

Now that I’m finished his book, it’s time to shake things up again. Happiness is not found in monotony, especially for someone right-brained. As mentioned in my previous post, I believe creativity to be one of the key paths to finding yourself and your life passion. My original search for books on how to find your passion yielded few results. But I did come across a book called ‘The Artists Way’, written by Julia Cameron who helps people connect with their innate talents and their creativity. I’m really excited about it and I’m hoping it will unlock something in me that will lead to some real personal growth. 

Social Comparison

I've read a lot about social comparison lately – the tendency to compare ourselves with others. This morning I was listening to the song Goat Girl by Tanya Donelly. 

I find it quite cute the way she says she wanted a Lion but she ended up with a Man who wanted a Gazelle. We wish we were wealthier, more elegant and thinner and we look at other spouses, wondering if they are more like Tanya’s Lion. We all have our faults and failures and people tend to put on their best side when in public. I can guarantee you that Lion you've been ogling also farts in the bed and leaves his underpants on the floor.

How much time do you spend wishing for your life to be different? Wishing for your partner to change or for that bigger house, car, better job, fancy holiday, more sparkly jewelry. None of those things can hurt but they are not the source of happiness. What others have is great for them but having more of anything won't make you happy. Research shows that it only temporarily lifts happiness and that you will return to your happiness default. When happiness windfalls happen, we adapt to the good fortune and incorporate it as our happiness norm. This is called hedonic adaptation.  

I know someone who was brought up in a poor household, with many siblings. They are not skilled but married into a wealthy marriage, after breaking up a family. With no boundaries, they enjoyed fulfilling every whim - holidays overseas, new cars annually, fancy food, country clubs and any material asset one would desire. And yet they are the unhappiest person I have ever known. 

One of the key ingredients of a happy life is gratitude. And in being content within yourself. Stop wishing for something else and start loving what's there. If you're wishing to be different, make some goals and take steps towards the better you. Many people want others to change but that's truly unrealistic. It's better to focus on improving yourself and you may, or may not, see a change in their behaviour. 

The path to happiness most certainly does not include social comparison. Indeed it is the opposite. Rather, switch your thoughts to gratitude and savouring, two proven strategies in enhancing our happiness. As the Goat Girl says, “I do my brutish best” and my husband loves me anyway. 

Dealing with Set-Backs

Even though we expend effort on being happier, it’s expected that we will encounter set-backs. Some may be major such as a death of a loved one and some may be fairly minor. Since we are only human, we can expect our emotions to dip at these times.

Yesterday I had a bad day. Quite a few things went wrong and I had to do the final piece of work that I hate in order to hand over everything while on medical leave. All of them dragged me down. What was interesting, however, is that by the end of the day I didn't feel terrible. Even though I had an altercation with my six-year-old, there was no shouting or taking it out on her. If I had a day like that a few months back, I would have been unable to shake my irritation and that would have negatively impacted the people around me.

During the day, just after something bad happened, I found myself mulling it over again and again. I actually found myself saying ‘Stop!’ in order to halt the rumination. I thought it a good idea to watch something very funny on TV and I laughed heartily. I also remember thinking that this will not matter next week so I should just let it go.

And the interesting part is that I only realised I was taking steps to mitigate the unhappiness at the end of the day, not really while it was happening. It seems that I've been programming myself to be happier and it was quite natural for me to take measures to not let things get me down.

We must be clear that any happiness-enhancing strategies need to be practised regularly, just like exercise. You can’t expect to remain fit six months after quitting exercise and the same applies with happiness. It takes commitment and practice and if you’re like me, you might need to set yourself reminders or a roster.

People cautioned me with my self-care roster that I developed, telling me I’m putting too much strain on myself with expectations etc. It can also become overly routine so the roster needs to vary things and introduce different strategies at different times. I think I know my limitations at the moment. I know that I can only accommodate five outings a week. I am building that in and will ramp things up as I have more energy. I only plan four weeks in advance in order to learn and refine and to adjust as my health improves.

I’m conscious of the fact that my self-care roster is easy to maintain now that I’m at home, recovering. It will be a much bigger challenge once I’m back at work and I’ll have to make appropriate adjustments. When training for big races, I set up a training plan with scheduled rest days and cross training. I monitor actuals against planned training and check it every day. I know that I’m disciplined and it fits my style. In the same way, I think I can keep up a happiness regimen as I have no doubt that I’m a happier (and healthier) person than a few months ago.

What is Your Contribution to this World?

Many have identified that contribution greatly improves the quality of our own lives. Robin Sharma, in The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari’ says ‘The quality of your life ultimately comes down to the quality of your contribution’. Tony Robbins identifies the fact that contribution-related goals, are the ‘most inspiring, compelling goals of all’.

This blog is about finding my life passion. In looking at all aspects of my life, most areas already bring me a great deal of joy. The area that has always been a source of stress is my work life. I'm wondering if I followed the right path to begin with, since success doesn't necessarily equal happiness. I know that my focus needs to be on aligning my work with my passions, and this blog is documenting the journey to a future where I'm fully recovered and living my career passion. 

“Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.” - Confucius

For some, work is not the path to happiness. There are those who don’t have formal employment or a career to speak of. But that does not mean you can’t have a life passion. At some point in our lives, we begin to wonder what it’s all about. Why are we on this Earth and what is our purpose? Some may have a calling that has always been obvious. Some have been really smart and aligned their work with their passion. Some people are committed to raising their children to be responsible, independent adults with strong values. Some focus their efforts on their church and in improving their community. I believe the important thing is that we know what our purpose is, and that we are living it. Without that, it’s hard to have a truly fulfilling life.

I don’t want to wish for retirement. Not wishing time away is a fairly large challenge for me at the moment since my new life can’t begin until I’m well, and of course, until I've figured out what my new life looks like. But I do know that I want to savour each day and want to enjoy the journey towards my end. And I want to make a difference, leaving something of value behind. 

If we're focussed on becoming wealthy but are not contributing in some way, or doing something meaningful, that can be quite empty. I left the corporate world because I felt that there was no meaning in the work I was doing each day. I wanted to be in a place where I could effect positive change in people's lives.

One of the strategies to help us identify our passion is to think about our legacy. What will you be remembered for? I’m not so good at charity so my contribution will be different. Being a good parent is a large part of what I’d like to leave behind. And another part includes being an advocate for living your passion. The quality of our lives can be so much improved if we are enjoying what we spend the majority of our time doing. Typically a by-product of enjoying what we do is making a difference to someone in some way. And that’s good enough for me.

Focus on Strengths, Partner for Weaknesses

I was recently reminded of an exercise I did in around 2009 when I was struggling to adjust to having a child and a career. It’s called Gallup’s Strengths Finder. I bought the book, did the online test and digested the findings eagerly. According to the test, your main strengths don’t really change over time. So revisiting them now was quite meaningful. These were my top five:

• Harmony – finding consensus, creating a peaceful environment, the mediator
• Input – collecting information, sharing insights, learning
• Focus – prioritising, then acting
• Discipline – creating structure out of chaos, being efficient
• Intellection – intellectual processing, introspection, analysis

How often to do we focus on our weaknesses and try to compensate or improve them? What I like about the Gallup approach is the focus on your strengths. Isn't it just spectacular that we are all built so differently?

Some of the advice on the action plan for my strengths is about making time to think and write. How interesting as that is something I've neglected for years. I had a chuckle about the advice to be patient with those who are not as efficient. I’m a whirlwind in my kitchen. I calculate what takes the longest, get it going and whiz around getting a bunch of things done simultaneously. So it’s not surprising that it boggles my mind when my husband takes twenty minutes to make tea!

I wasn't surprised about the discipline and focus although it is a seeming contradiction for a right-brained person. But I know that I’m a goal-driven person and I’m good at keeping meetings on track and making sure there are action-items instead of just rambling. I love to research and gather information and I’m using my blog to share insights in line with this strength. Having a medical sabbatical from work I’m able to rest and to spend a lot of time processing the reasons for my health collapse. I am focussing on not over-thinking as I’m prone to do so, especially with time on my hands.

In terms of Harmony, I’ve always been the one in my family to mediate between the feuding parties. The saddest thing for me is that I’ve had to cut people out of my life for my own survival. For me to do that is drastic, considering that harmony is my top strength. Rayya Elias talks about always making sure your side of the street is clean. There comes a time when you realise that there’s nothing you can do about the other side of the street.

I’m a strong believer that we should not focus on our weaknesses and try to make them better. Rather, we should accept them for what they are and find other people to support us who are strong in these areas. For example, I would need a business partner who doesn't mind admin and who can jump through the many hoops of bureaucracy that banks put in place in the process of ‘helping you’. I also know that there are certain types of people who I can’t lead and I simply won’t accept any future positions where I’m expected to do so.

A life without a fulfilling job is torture for me. I’m considering how to use my strengths in finding future roles that are suitable for me. I've said it before, but knowing yourself helps you make good choices about your future. And good choices lead to a happy life. 

Challenge vs Skill

In Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi's book Flow, he describes the how the optimum flow experience can be gained if we can balance our skill level with the challenge of the activity. If we are doing something that is well below our skills and the challenge is low, we are bored. If the challenge is too great in that we don’t have the adequate skills, we can experience anxiety. There exists a sweet spot where our skills and the challenge mostly matched, with the challenge being slightly greater. This is when we are in flow.

Skills vs Challenge

There are many opportunities for us to be in flow, be it in our work or leisure. My focus currently is to ensure that I create a future career around my flow experiences. For too long my work centred around tasks that drained my energy and frustrated me. In the next few months while I recover from my stress-induced condition, I’m trying to find flow experiences that are not too taxing. I've been told that the brain relaxes while doing creative activities so I've been drawing and trying to find ways to express myself creatively.

I bought a second-hand piano a while back, and while I played as a child, I’m quite rusty. My energy levels are too low to commit to a regular lesson right now, but I've been downloading some sheet music. I know that my skill level is very low at the moment, but I know that I can work at it to become more skilled. As my skills grow, I can increase the challenge by trying more difficult pieces. Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi says in his book ‘In this growth of the self lies the key to flow activities’.

It is enthralling to know that within me lies the opportunity to play beautiful music. It’s something I’d love to share with my children. At the same time it is a little daunting but I think that is the fun of it. Nothing that is worth anything comes easily.

In the long term my work needs to centre around flow activities. I know myself well enough to know that I get bored not achieving things. That can be an impediment to my recovery so I'm occupying myself with things that can help me recover. I'm finding flow activities that may or may not be part of my long term career or leisure. 

What talents from childhood or your past have you forgotten about? What have you always wanted to try? It’s important to note that passive activities like watching TV are distinctly not being in flow. How much more can we get out of our lives if we focus on flow activities that indeed make us more skilled and happier people?

External sources of Happiness

Many people focus on external elements when it comes to finding happiness. Some people think that if they only had that house, that boyfriend, that job, they would be happy. It’s not true. Happiness does not come from outside, it is found within.

According to the research done by Sonja Lyubomirsky in her book The How of Happiness, we all have a set point of happiness, a default state if you wish. External circumstances and life events cause this state to increase or decrease but it is only temporary. We seem to settle back to our former happiness level. I have encountered, and I’m sure you have too, those people who seem to dampen everything. There are also those optimists who seem to bounce back from difficult life circumstances so quickly and effortlessly. I’m most definitely an optimist and closer to the second type. I tend to think that every situation, good or bad, has a lesson if you look hard enough.

I have found in the last few years, as my health declined, that my mood was less optimistic and happy. I thought it was being the mother of small children and only recently did I realise that might not be the case. Some of the symptoms of Graves’ disease are anxiety and depression. As a child I was referred to as ‘highly strung’, a term which I haven’t heard used in a while but I've always been quite anxious. So I just thought I was stressed. The good news is that once I’m well, I can return to my previous state of optimisim.

My youngest has been sleeping well for a while, aside from the odd nightmare or not being well. I realised when I saw other mothers with three children (I only have two) seeming to cope well. Perhaps they were faking it but I couldn't help wonder that I didn't seem to be coping as well. Only recently, have I realised that it is a combination of things that has caused my health decline.  The primary reason was that I was doing work I didn't enjoy for a really long time, swimming against the current. I also had no opportunity to replenish lost energy during the day. Being a mother to small children leaves little opportunity to care for yourself.

I've learned that I have to put aside time for recovery in the day, even once I’m well. Sometimes I even have to fight for it, which is not so easy in my current condition and being a conflict-avoider and a people-pleaser. If I don’t stand my ground, however, I’ll be this sick forever and possibly worse.

This week I completely overdid it - too many meetings and appointments. Some of them were important as they were for handing over my work to others so that I can recover properly. Now I’m facing the consequences of pushing too hard in that I have a bad cold. My immune system is really weak and I am highly susceptible to the slightest virus. It is a very delicate balancing act at the moment. This week I also started exercising again – just three walks. I think that, in combination with the meetings, has set me back. 

I find it enormously frustrating not being able to do what other people can do. I have to budget my energy. I plan ahead to make sure I only have one or two outings a day and I save my energy for that. But that makes it difficult for people to understand how much I’m struggling. They see the few strong hours of my day. My family sees me sleeping on my bed in recovery for hours afterwards.

I’m aware that happiness is not found outside me. I know that I have to work hard to create a life that I want. My family is happy and wonderful, I love my home and my friends. I need to single-mindedly focus on getting well and attack it like a project so that I can apply energy to my new career path and gain the fulfilment that lies ahead. 

Initial research around 'How To Find Your Passion'

Some say passion is not something you can ‘find’. It’s not a noun and it’s not hiding somewhere to be discovered. I’m not sure I agree. Some people advocate waiting for your passion to find you. I disagree. I think that in the act of looking, you are more open to things that you may not have noticed before. In my search, I’m forging new relationships, meeting new people, discovering new fields of interest which could lead me to my career or life passion. 

I’m a pretty practical person and I do find this journey I’m on to be quite difficult. Spending time just focussing on healing, is rather frustrating for me since I’m an action-oriented problem solver. I find it hard to wait it out without taking action. So I've been reading up on what other people have written on the method of finding one’s passion. I've included some themes and have referenced the blogs I found most relevant for me.

Identify your talents, things you love, things you dream about, careers you thought you’d do when you were a kid. Think about things that make you feel connected to a purpose or a vision. Figure out when you’re in flow or when you used to be, if you have lost touch like I have. Some triggers could be asking yourself what you would do if you had infinite money; or thinking about what dreams you have given up on. Identify the themes in your life and your limiting beliefs. What are you telling yourself that you’ll never be or do?

Another way of looking at this is thinking about your legacy. I was once asked in a job interview what will be written on my tombstone. I didn't answer the question well, but it is a worthwhile exercise thinking about how we want to be remembered. Are you being true to your talents and your integrity?

Brainstorm around what you could do and try to suspend judgment initially. Don’t try to think about the competitive landscape or how you’d monetize it straight away. Doing this might discount something that could lead to a much happier existence. Some people find it useful to write down what other people say they are good at. However, don’t exclude anything that you’re not yet good at because it is possible to learn new skills in your area of passion.

Appreciate your uniqueness, what makes you special. Remember that each of us have something new to bring and recognise that not everyone thinks like you do. Appreciating yourself often opens your eyes to what you love and can help in the brainstorming process.

Slow down and do things like meditation and enjoying the silence. Enjoy the process and the questions – don’t rush. Chances are if you’re feeling in a state of flux, you’re not in the best position to make good decisions. Slowing things down also helps us listen to new opportunities that come our way. They are hard to grab onto if we’re not paying attention. Admittedly, I find this quite difficult but I have even downloaded an app to help me with meditation.

Clear the clutter - literally rid your cupboards of clutter and make space for the new. Learn to say no to things you don’t like, or want. Also consider clearing out emotional baggage by asking yourself what you need to let go of (guilt, anger, resentment). This may also be a time to terminate toxic relationships. Who in your life is hurting you so much that life is better without them? You can choose who you have in your life.

Sample some of the things you've identified as options. This may mean signing up for courses, starting a new hobby or reconnecting with one you've stopped. You could join volunteer groups, attend seminars or read books in your area of interest. Do some research and find out what people are doing. Pay attention to whether you’re still enjoying it as much as you’d hoped to, and make sure you’re having fun. This might be a time to filter things out of your list or focus on one or two.

Interview people who are doing what you've identified as a possible option. Ask about pitfalls and highlights, and find out how they make money from their talent. You can also seek out mentors and find people to support you on the journey of discovery. Change is easier when you surround yourself with people who believe in you.

An aspect of running a business that I really enjoyed was Marketing. I had a lot of fun experimenting with various media and cultivating a brand for our business. From the business not having a website when I joined, I carved out a unique brand with some beautiful elements (created by some very talented people).

In this process, I started to realise that I might become the face of debit order transactions. I could have pushed in that direction and positioned myself as the expert if I applied myself. But I deliberately didn't do that because I really didn't want to be known as that expert. Nothing against anyone who does, but it is not my passion and I was uncomfortable with the thought. Douglas Kruger wrote a solid guide to positioning yourself as an industry expert in Own Your Industry.  The more I read about it, the more uncomfortable I became. That helped me realise that I was indeed on the wrong path. I’d rather be remembered being a champion for loving your work, than one of debits.

I believe my future is connected with writing and spreading the philosophy of working in flow. I have about 25 to 30 years left of my career, hopefully. I can’t imagine devoting that level of effort and time to something I don’t enjoy. There are far too many people drudging through jobs they hate and spending decades looking forward to retirement. Why not construct your life around what you love so that you savour each day and stop wishing for some future that might not be there?

References

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/prescriptions-life/201205/five-steps-finding-your-passion

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/try-this-if-youre-struggling-to-find-your-passion/

http://amylynnandrews.com/how-to-find-your-passion/

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/8-ways-to-discover-your-passion-and-live-a-life-you-love/

http://fullife-coach.com/reignite-career-passion/

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/finding-your-special-thing-connect-with-your-passion/

Mind Body Connection

I’m amazed at how some of my relatives seem to believe that the mind and body are totally separate. Do they think the brain is just floating around in there, disconnected from the body? I am a strong believer that our thoughts affect our health. For me this is an obvious conclusion, given that I have developed a stress-related condition. After all, stress is just a collection of thoughts that result in physiological symptoms.

One of the things I’m ensuring is that I weed out negative thoughts and negative people in my life. I need to make sure that I have a fertile environment for reducing my stress. From what I've read there seem to be an awful lot of people who don’t like themselves and their thoughts are flooded with self-criticism and negativity. That really doesn't serve anyone. I certainly don’t hate myself at all and I believe life is full of opportunities and joy if you’re willing to do the work to notice and capture it.

Some of that work may be forgiving yourself, or forgiving someone else. The letting go is often a very powerful exercise in releasing the burdens carried by most of us.  This is starting to sound quite esoteric but I don’t believe there’s anything strange about doing some housekeeping in our emotions and thoughts. Clean up and get rid of the clutter. Nip those negative thoughts in the bud before they get rooted.

I love this post from Tiny Buddha about changing your life trajectory: http://tinybuddha.com/blog/changing-trajectory-live-life-purpose/ . For some of my relatives, the fact that I read something with ‘Buddha’ in it, and even referenced it, is tantamount to heresy. “Oh no, she’s abandoning her faith!” Doing yoga is surely to send some of them into cardiac arrest. Yet these are the things that help us connect body and mind.

I’m pretty sure that God wants us to be happy and to live full lives, following our passion. But we do actually have to take some action, other than prayer, to make our lives fulfilling. I’m sure many of you have heard that joke about God sending various forms of rescue to the idiot who is not listening. How many of us are making assumptions about how our prayers will be answered, so much so that we don’t notice that we actually received what we needed, not what we asked for? As far as I’m concerned, prayer and meditation are not mutually exclusive. Let’s be open to trying new things, from which we can learn and perhaps receive something we weren't expecting. 

Gratitude, Meditation and Mindfulness

On my journey of ensuring my future job is filled with meaning, I’m going to give myself some homework. I’d like to research what other people have done and to investigate things that interest me. It’s hard to learn if you’re not open to discover things you know very little about. It may mean taking some risks and opening myself up to things that have previously been a bit scary.

I think some of the things people have done to be happier and less stressed in their lives, not necessarily in their work, are things like focusing on gratitude, meditation and mindfulness.

Gratitude is a really obvious one to me. I've noticed that grateful people are happy people. I know people who have so very much and have had all the opportunities in the world to be happy, yet their focus is on what they don’t have and what others have instead. I also know people who have very little and are leading lives of contentment. They make do with what they have, and their focus is family and love.

Those of you with small children will know that they are comforted with routine. They feel safe knowing that we do the same steps each night before bedtime. We have started a habit with our three-year-old to say what she calls ‘Thank You For’ every night. Thank You for our family, thank You for our home, thank You for all the fun today. I’m building a culture of gratitude in our home such that they focus on what they have and be glad for it.

Many of you may have seen the 100 Days of Happiness project last year. To focus on even the small things that make us happy, is a commendable initiative and the fact that it was on social media made it spread. I read some scathing article urging people to keep their happiness to themselves. If ever I saw someone who needed to actively focus on happiness!

Meditation has been a tricky one for me. I’m a bit of a fidget and although I love the peace of silence, I do battle to sit or lie for a long time doing ‘nothing’. I may have gotten into bad habits being a mother of small children in that there is always something to do, tidy up or prepare for tomorrow.  I Googled how to meditate and was relieved to hear that I only need to start with two to three minutes each time. So I’m doing that for now and hopefully I’ll get better at it. My condition leads to sleep disturbances, aggravated by the odd nightmare or blankie being lost in the night. Rest is of primary importance at the moment so disturbed sleep is a real issue for me. I have noticed though, on the days I do some solid meditation (albeit for a few minutes), I do tend to sleep better.

What does it mean to be mindful? Wikipedia defines it as “the intentional, accepting and non-judgemental focus of one's attention on the emotions, thoughts and sensations occurring in the present moment", which can be trained by meditational practices derived from Buddhist anapanasati”. Being mindful is so tightly linked with happiness. Let’s stop chasing the next thing, hoping it will lead to happiness. Happiness is enjoying the moment and being grateful for it. Matt Killingsworth investigated how staying in the moment enhances happiness by his interesting research.

Our lives have become so hurried that it is very hard to enjoy the moment. It’s something I’m going to be focussing on in the coming months. Hopefully the meditation and mindfulness go hand in hand. I’m enjoying these amazing years of parenting small children, watching the joy they experience in the small things.My gratitude is mostly around my immediate family 

and the great blessing of being a parent.

Happiness is hard sometimes

I wasn't entirely correct when I said I’m not following any blogs. My cousin, Carly, is documenting her journey with Cancer and I found her blog to be really good and gave me a lot of insight as to what that journey is like. I have found some new blogs to follow on being positive and how to ensure a happy life. I found a good post about finding your passion too. I’d also highly recommend following Project Happiness on Facebook, giving regular updates and positive messages.

Gretchen Rubin has been a big inspiration to me. Seeing other people want to grow and improve themselves is so inspiring for me. But it’s clear that not everyone is at the same point in evolving as a person. Some have elected not to evolve at all and I find that to be tragic. I have always had this expectation that the older people get, the wiser they should be. This is most definitely not true. I had neighbour in a complex I used to live in before I got married. She was in her fifties at the time and would constantly lose her temper with neighbours, would lash out racist remarks and be generally critical of everyone. I remember wondering how she had not mastered herself at her age. She’s not open to growth sadly, relationships, being a key ingredient to a happy life, are a constant source of pain for her. Not everyone wants to be a better sister, friend, parent, wife, father in the next five years than they are now. Weird.

I've noticed lately that some close family members are not comfortable with the changes I’m making. I've been accused of being ‘a bit mad’, ‘ruthless’ and I’m sure a lot of other things. I say it’s a good sign. I say that they’re seeing I’m changing and it’s shaking up their world. Gone is the compliant peace-making mediator of this family. It’s all OK and life will continue, somewhat differently. I now see the world a lot clearer since I've taken a step back. I’m now protecting myself and my family from harm. I’m taking action to ensure those around me are supporting me, not hurting me. Sadly sometimes it's those who you expect the most support from who provide the least.

Just like Taylor Swift, I’m going to ‘Shake it Off’ and continue on my journey to recovery. I haven’t meant to be cryptic about my condition so I’ll just spell it out if anyone’s interested. I have developed Graves’ disease (bad name I know). It is an auto-immune attack on the thyroid, induced by stress. Wikipedia says there is no scientific evidence of environmental factors causing it but in my case it is not hereditary and I've been under a great deal of stress for about five years now. The thyroid is indeed the unsung hero of the body. If it’s working properly no-one gives it a second thought. But if it breaks, the proverbial hits the fan.

My symptoms have been headaches (probably from stress), tremors, irregular heartbeat, sleep disturbance and most notably fatigue. This is the reason I’m not able to work a full day as I get too exhausted. Unfortunately I don't look sick and many people are under the impression that I'm perfectly fine. That might make me have to fight a bit harder for my recovery than if I had red spots or no hair. 

So I need to surround myself in a cozy little cocoon of my immediate family and those friends who love and support me. I’ll be doing very little socialising over the next few months but do have a few important commitments to keep and will do so gladly, for the sake of the relationships that count. 

You certainly have to work for your own happiness. Even if it means putting up boundaries and rules to secure your place, research and testing out techniques. I'm making a concerted effort to get it right and sometimes it's painful and sometimes it's wonderful. The end state is what counts really. 

Learning the Ropes

To be perfectly honest, I am learning the ropes of blogging. I’m no expert and I don’t even follow other blogs. That is my upfront disclaimer if I happen to break any written or unwritten rule of blogging etiquette.

Those of you who first saw my blog might have noticed that I've refined the layout somewhat. I think it fits my style and for those who need the tip, be sure to take a look at the gadgets on the right that tuck away neatly. I thought I created the capability to follow by email but I’m not sure if I got that right. And yes, the bullets of my last blog post are ugly. I've recently read that learning and growing is a key ingredient to happiness so bring on the learning!

I’m also curious to know what readers think of AdSense. I’m not a big fan of ads, and their assault on the senses – especially anything that throbs. Earning money while writing sounds quite appealing to me though.

I struggle to achieve things without a goal. If I can’t run an ultra-marathon this year, I’ll have to find goals associated with getting better or learning. So I've decided to follow three blogs as my first goal and hopefully I’ll pick up some tips.

Over a year ago I started an electronic journal that I called a ‘God blog’ due to my fear of public humiliation. In writing, identifying the target audience is one of the first important things to decide as it shapes the style substantially. She already knows me and wouldn't judge me too harshly so that’s what I called it. It is lonely being a business owner as you have no-one to talk to about your challenges. You can’t talk to your staff about your worries of being able to pay salaries or whether you’re leading this thing in the right direction. You need to appear confident and calm in knowing what you’re doing. So writing was my outlet and my tool in crystallising my thinking about the future of the business. I continue to use it in the path to my new career trusting that the same enlightenment is on its way.

So I think my journey will go something like this: acceptance then understanding, then healing and finally action. Since my diagnosis three weeks ago, I have most certainly accepted that my life needs to change. I think I’m still trying to understand why, although I’m most of the way through that phase. The next phase of healing will most likely be quite long as I let my body recover from years of going against the flow and suppressing my fatigue. That may take a good few months but I can say that I’m already starting to feel better.

I’m not known for my patience and I do find it very irritating that I can only have one outing a day. More than that and I find I’m pretty tired by the evening. Through regularly testing my patience, I think my children have helped me become more patient. Watching a toddler ram a round peg into a square hole (literally) over and over can be most frustrating. I think I've told them hundreds of times that you don’t need to tip a cup with a straw. I've learned to accept and even marvel at the pure volume of what human beings have to learn. My six-year-old asked me the other day ‘What is a test?’ and my first reaction was ‘Oh boy, does she have a long way to go.’ But seeing how excited she is to learn to read without being overwhelmed by how far she has to go, is inspiring to me. She tackles learning with the same gusto as she does playing.  

Our society really seems to value being busy. When people ask about my well-being I’m not sure I want my response to always be ‘Oh I’m so busy I can barely cope’. Since I've taken a step back from the hamster wheel, I've started to notice the small things around me. Since my condition makes me overheat a lot, the rain is absolutely glorious! I’m a lot less abrupt with my kids now too and I’m taking the time to tickle them; to give them frights and really listen to what they’re saying.  I want a life that contains living on purpose, stopping to enjoy each important moment; and filled with activities that are fulfilling (not just time-consuming).

I've secured myself a four month sabbatical from the business. I’m a very determined person and when I focus on something I can get it right. So now my major commitment is to get kids to school and to recover. Resting on purpose is very weird to me but perhaps it’s one of the lessons I have to learn.

Adequate recovery will mean that I’ll be ready to take action when the time comes. The action will be to ensure that my job is fulfilling, I have enough space to recover from all the things that drain my reserves during the day and I will have time to be a good parent too. As much as I have a need to achieve professionally, I’d rather be remembered for being a good parent because the impact is far more meaningful.

So I’m learning the ropes with blogging, but also with how far I can push myself currently. I am trying to really listen to my body to make sure I’m picking up early cues. It’s not forever but it is an important part of the process to ensure the future is designed right.

Analysing the Problem

Firstly, I must confess I am overwhelmed by the support and compassion shown by the readers thus far. In less than 24 hours I have had over 300 page views which I’m astounded at. I've always been very cautious to share my views and feelings publicly but I must say I’m really excited about sharing this journey and perhaps having it resonate with some of you. Thank you for your interest and the well-needed support you've offered me.

I have often had some really interesting discussions around the concept of a career passion. I've been amazed at how many people have revealed that their life passion is not what they are currently doing for a living. What surprises me is that it’s mostly people who I already perceive to be experts in their field. How many of us are walking around with hidden passions and incredible talents that are not being used? This blog is about my journey from where I am now to a future career that is designed on purpose to make the most of my talents and abilities. I’m hoping that it inspires some of you to take steps towards making your life more enjoyable too.

Medication is all good and well. But I don’t believe I’ll get a lot better by medication alone. The source of the problem needs to be uncovered and addressed in order to get fully well and avoid a relapse. So being the problem-solver that I am, I've spent a lot of time analyzing what caused me to get so sick from stress. Why doesn't this happen to other people? Am I not strong enough to withstand the stress when others can? And yes, I even drew a diagram. To protect the names of the not-so-innocent, I've sanitized it a bit.

There’s a lot in there to digest so I’ll just keep it high-level. My sources of stress are the following:

•        Sense of obligation to deliver on my promises – to various life stakeholders.
•        Being behind in technology by about 20 years, the need to catch-up and meet with regulation, led to no opportunity to innovate. Life without innovation is boring to me.
•        Without a modern system, I could not fulfill my vision for the company.
•        I need to work with people who can be inspired, who want me as their leader and who want to improve.
•        As an introvert, I spent the whole day meeting the needs of others. After work, the onslaught of little children and meeting their needs meant no respite for me to  recover.
•        As someone who is right brained, my day was filled with admin, accounting and compliance. No room to create the new, and have some fun.

If I had known myself better at the outset, I could have rearranged things to ensure my environment met my needs. Susan Cain’s book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking, has helped me a great deal in knowing myself better and accepting myself. Introverts are not dysfunctional, they can be spectacular. Albert Einstein, Steve Wozniak, Gandhi, Dr Seuss are examples of famous introverts. But now I know. I must consciously design my future to meet my own needs, not only the needs of others.

And to think this is only the start of the journey – very exciting. Pity it took a serious illness to trigger it, but perhaps many of us are not listening to the cues around us or our own bodies telling us that it’s not sustainable. Hopefully some of you can learn from my mistake and change direction before you become ill.

A quote from Petrus, the guide in Paulo Coelho’s The Pilgrimage “The person who does not know how to listen will never hear the advice that life offers us all the time.”

Introduction

I've recently been diagnosed with a stress-induced life-long condition. This has caused me to re-evaluate my life and ensure that I make the rest of it meaningful and intention-filled. I've also just turned 40 so I figure the Universe is telling me to take stock.

To me, being happy is the most important thing in life. Happiness is not wealth, or stuff, but people and being the best person I can be. I read an article recently about the regrets people have when they’re close to death. The underlying theme is relationships and this is something that has come up a lot in my life. 

I’m not particularly a people’s person but I am a people-pleaser (or an Obliger as Gretchen Rubin would say). I’m an introvert and get very tired being around people a lot. Taking time to recharge can be very difficult in a house where the little people follow me to the toilet. That being said, I do love people and need them in my day.

I’m blessed to have a wonderful husband and two amazing little girls who are the source of great joy for me. They drive me nuts too, don’t get me wrong. We live in a great home with fun, noise and laughter. I value my friends a lot, although I’m not a very good friend. Perhaps once I've finished my journey I’ll be a better friend.

The primary source of stress in my life has always been work. Since I've started working, I've tried really hard to give it my best and with reasonable success. The last five years of my career have been the hardest by far. I've been managing a business I took over from my father. I learned a great deal but I have discovered over the past few months that it is not my passion and never will be. Living someone else’s dream is not the path to happiness.

I've subscribed to many newsletters and have been watching TED talks and reading numerous books on the search for happiness. I've learned some wonderful things and I don’t remember a time when I've grown so much inside. And maybe outside from not being allowed to exercise!

I believe that meaning is the most important aspect of making our work-lives happy. That’s why I left the corporate world – I didn't have meaning. And after just having had a child, my world was full of meaning at home. The stark contrast at work was too much to bear. I jumped into the family business head first and started learning and learning and learning. I made mistakes but I also had successes and loved the ability to steer the ship myself into a direction that I decided. I made sure I measured the results and that was really fulfilling, when I got it right.

What was fundamentally missing from this equation was that I was not being true to my self. I think that relationships with people are important but the one with yourself is a non-negotiable! I’m a right-brained person doing admin and accounting for most of my day. I’m an introvert, trying to sell. I have a lot of things to offer but they won’t be found when I’m in the foetal position trying to recover from doing things I hate, and being who I’m not. I need to know myself well enough and be kind to myself to make sure I'm ok too. Something mothers sometimes don't get right.

I strongly believe that we can engineer our own lives to be happy. I’m always going on about how happiness is a choice. There are too many miserable people in the world, not doing a thing to change their circumstances. And now I find myself with a serious illness that is keeping me from any kind of exercise. The same person who runs ultra-marathons for fun. What I am forced into now is rest and recovery. It’s boring, very boring.

But this is my journey and there is something important to learn from this experience. This may just be the catalyst that my life needed to be overflowing with joy – not only from my family but from my work too.

So if you’re interested, please follow me on my journey to design a new career, based on what I truly love.