Acceptance show Progress

Today my favourite ultra-marathon is being run and I should be running my 7^th one.  In the past ten years of running, I've only missed three for child-rearing reasons. This year, for health reasons, I’m unable to even run one kilometre, never mind a tough 56km!

We've all been exposed to those stages of grief and loss where we move from denial to anger, bargaining and finally into acceptance. I have not lost anyone but I have lost something quite vital: my health and the ability to run ultra-marathons, potentially forever.

I’m not a particularly fast runner but I can persevere and run far. It takes a great deal of commitment to do the training and towards the end it really gets gruelling. I know that I'm capable of running better times but I've been doing what I can, given how depleted I've been over the past few years. I've always thought that when my kids are bigger and when the business is more stable, I can apply myself to running, and reach more goals around speed. And now that feels like an impossibility, knowing that putting my body under strain will cause my health to regress. It is indeed a loss for me.

Runners tend to seek out doctors who will tell them they can run but just to take precautions. I remember really doubting my doctor when he told me no exercise at all. And now I realise how harmful it was, and could have been, as my symptoms included irregular heartbeat. Many runners have passed away on races from heart attacks, and it’s due to an underlying condition, just like I have. In January, I was still resisting and quite clearly, in denial.

But by the time it has come to the day of my favourite race, I’m not in denial and I’m not angry. I’m quite ok with being home for the Easter weekend with my kids. I’m monitoring my favourite people with the app and enjoying the race on TV. Sure, it would be great to be part of it and I do miss the vibe and the sense of achievement that comes with doing something so hard.

I've found myself saying lately that my health collapse has been a blessing. It sounds cheesy but it has been a catalyst for change. And I needed something major to happen, in order to rearrange my life. My work is changing, my family dynamic is changing and my contracts with parents and friends might have to change too. Some contracts are cancelled and some will have altered or new terms in future. People resist change but I’m going to have to fight for myself so that my health does not slip backwards.

Your relationships are tested when you’re in crisis. The people I expected most to support me, have not. And some who I see as acquaintances have come through for me, offering to look after my kids when I need a break. I don’t even get that support from my parents. These insights are a gift, allowing me to identify the really special people around me.

I’m still not running and not really even exercising. I miss it tremendously, especially my close running friends with whom I've shared many hours of fun, laughter, struggle and growth. But if I can arrange my life well and be conscious of what drains me, I can make arrangements to meet some goals in future. I’m also now well-equipped to know who I can lean on. 

For the past few months, I've found the recovery quite boring and frustrating. But today I have noticed that there’s progress in the fact that I've accepted my new life. 

The Gift of Sleep

In the past few months, although I've been trying to get a lot of rest, I haven’t been sleeping in the day. I’m not sure why, possibly I just feel it’s too indulgent. I shouldn't feel that way since I need a lot of recovery to ensure I can get my Graves’ disease into remission. I’m on a medical sabbatical from work so I should be doing all I can to recover.

Being a mother of small children, I've had a good few years of interrupted sleep. Now that my youngest is three years old, it’s only the occasional nightmare that wakes her (and me) up in the night. But being in a depleted state, I most certainly feel it the next day.

There are a plethora of articles online that promote the benefits of sleep. Some benefits include: curbing inflammation, improved memory and concentration, improved cognitive function and decision making, reduced blood pressure and cholesterol levels, improved mood, fat loss, muscle building, tissue repair and more. My favourite three, most relevant to my current state of health are spurring creativity, reduced stress and improved immune function. These are the things I need in order to restore myself to full health.

There are some horrifying experiments done on rats for sleep research which show that you will die without sleep if it goes on long enough. I’m sure all mothers know the feeling of sleep deprivation and how hard it can be to work a full day with inadequate sleep. When that goes on for a few months or years, your ability to function at work and in day-to-day life is substantially impaired. I’d encourage fathers and friends to help out to make sure mom gets a good rest.

I’m a great sleeper and much to my husband’s disgust, I often fall asleep seconds after my head hits the pillow. I have noticed that on the days I meditate, I sleep much better. I have also learned that I need at least one extra hour of sleep per night when I’m training towards a marathon or ultra-marathon. It may seem pretty boring to go to sleep so early but the body just needs that extra restoration in order to function properly. Take a look at this TED talk about getting more sleep. 

It’s clear that some people need more sleep than others and at the moment, I need a lot of sleep. I’m striving for eight hours at night and I’m trying to get a few hours in the day as well. I’m hoping that this will help my body restore order, get my immune system to stop attacking my thyroid and to not feel so fatigued. One positive by-product will be a happier me, benefiting my family too. 

Isn't it funny how kids resist sleep because there’s an opportunity cost of playing? And sleep-deprived mothers wonder why anyone would resist something so valuable. Only when sleep is inadequate do we truly realise how much we need it. I’m not sure how much sleep can be guaranteed for me over the Easter weekend, with the kids home and my husband away, but let’s hold thumbs.

Dealing with Set-Backs

Even though we expend effort on being happier, it’s expected that we will encounter set-backs. Some may be major such as a death of a loved one and some may be fairly minor. Since we are only human, we can expect our emotions to dip at these times.

Yesterday I had a bad day. Quite a few things went wrong and I had to do the final piece of work that I hate in order to hand over everything while on medical leave. All of them dragged me down. What was interesting, however, is that by the end of the day I didn't feel terrible. Even though I had an altercation with my six-year-old, there was no shouting or taking it out on her. If I had a day like that a few months back, I would have been unable to shake my irritation and that would have negatively impacted the people around me.

During the day, just after something bad happened, I found myself mulling it over again and again. I actually found myself saying ‘Stop!’ in order to halt the rumination. I thought it a good idea to watch something very funny on TV and I laughed heartily. I also remember thinking that this will not matter next week so I should just let it go.

And the interesting part is that I only realised I was taking steps to mitigate the unhappiness at the end of the day, not really while it was happening. It seems that I've been programming myself to be happier and it was quite natural for me to take measures to not let things get me down.

We must be clear that any happiness-enhancing strategies need to be practised regularly, just like exercise. You can’t expect to remain fit six months after quitting exercise and the same applies with happiness. It takes commitment and practice and if you’re like me, you might need to set yourself reminders or a roster.

People cautioned me with my self-care roster that I developed, telling me I’m putting too much strain on myself with expectations etc. It can also become overly routine so the roster needs to vary things and introduce different strategies at different times. I think I know my limitations at the moment. I know that I can only accommodate five outings a week. I am building that in and will ramp things up as I have more energy. I only plan four weeks in advance in order to learn and refine and to adjust as my health improves.

I’m conscious of the fact that my self-care roster is easy to maintain now that I’m at home, recovering. It will be a much bigger challenge once I’m back at work and I’ll have to make appropriate adjustments. When training for big races, I set up a training plan with scheduled rest days and cross training. I monitor actuals against planned training and check it every day. I know that I’m disciplined and it fits my style. In the same way, I think I can keep up a happiness regimen as I have no doubt that I’m a happier (and healthier) person than a few months ago.

Baby Steps

A year or two ago I made a blanket for my friend. It took a really long time because I couldn't dedicate hours a day to it. It was made up of 144 squares in a pattern that was not originally planned. I chipped away at it, stitch by stitch and square by square, refining the design regularly. Eventually the blanket was finished and the gratitude I received was so worth the effort.

It’s amazing how I managed to create something with small amounts of effort on a regular basis, even when I didn't know how the blanket would turn out when I started. Right now my health is not so great and I have been very frustrated and concerned that I’ll never be well. I just need to shift my thinking to how I approached the blanket. I don’t know what my future looks like but I've got to tackle it hour by hour. And as long as I just keep chipping away, I’ll get to my goal in the end, even if it needs refining along the way.

Those of us with high standards tend to berate ourselves for not getting there fast enough. We think about all the things to be achieved and we get frustrated at the pace at which we are moving. Something that is really important for people like us to remember, is how far we've come and to celebrate the achievements.

I joined the family business in July 2010 and although I was immensely frustrated in the past few years that my vision was not achieved, I did take the company really far. I grew the revenue over 400% and clients 250% in four and a half years. And that’s in a difficult economic climate in a business I wasn't passionate about. This was a business with no website that I took to one having a strong brand in its industry. Yes, it was too far behind to catch up but that doesn't mean I didn't make a success of what I had. And I ought to celebrate that. I brought my special talents and flavour to the organisation and although I didn't achieve what I wanted to achieve, I did move the business forward.

Celebrating successes, small or large, doesn't have to be arrogant or self-serving. It helps us remember how far we've come and gives us hope for the future. If I think about the me of 2010, I have learned a great deal and am much more knowledgeable about running a business. I plan to keep learning until the day I die. I’m going to count the blessings of the opportunities I've had to learn (irrespective of how my health has been affected) and celebrate successes. I need to chip away daily at getting well, at learning what works for me and how to restore myself to full health again.