How Many Times are you Prepared to Fail?

I’m reading a book called Mindset by Prof Carol Dweck. She has a lovely TED talk on the subject. She speaks of two mindsets: a fixed mindset or a growth mindset where you believe that people can improve on their abilities, intelligence, talents etc. People of the growth mindset are far more inclined to try harder to learn, and aren't as afraid to fail, relative to those with a fixed mindset.

I’m always interested in what keeps people going after failures and why they persevere. I've read many entrepreneurial articles that encourage the reader to keep trying despite spectacular failures. They cite numerous examples of really famous and successful entrepreneurs who have failed many times before succeeding. Many authors have also written a number of books that failed to achieve anything before they really ‘made it big’.

Having managed a small business and failed to turn it around, I sometimes wonder what else I could have done or what I should have done differently. Truth be told, I should have been wiser at the outset but at least I am now. I spent almost five years in the business, struggling to bring my strategy to life and to take all elements from the 1980’s into the present: software, processes and mindsets. What a struggle that was and it still didn't result in a profitable business. Yes I learned a lot but I also failed at many things.

I’m not too fond of failure. I did well at school and I like to succeed. I’m not afraid of hard work but I do find the failures tough. Yes, I know what you’re thinking: ‘There’s no such thing as a failure, there are only lessons’. That may be so, but it doesn't make the ‘lessons’ any less difficult to live through.

It is daunting starting something new, knowing that it might not work. The next job I take on, or the next project I start might not be successful. My book might be an utter disaster, only purchased by my friends. But what are my options? I can’t give up. I can’t hide in a corporate cubicle as I will surely perish. I simply have to give it a try. And I may well fail many times over. My main focus will be that I’m doing what I love and that I manage my failures wisely and take the lessons without feeling defeated.

I want to follow my passion and make sure each day has something enjoyable in it. I want to have time for my children and time for myself to reflect and to grow myself. I want to ensure my week includes something creative and something just for me. If I imagine a life like this, it may not bring in a lot of money but I will be happy and that will be worth it.

Thinking of the opposite where I bring in a lot of money but I’m tied to other people’s dreams, deliverables or passions, is simply not an option for me. I live my life for me now. I invest my time and energy in those closest to me and in things that will bear fruit. If I don’t get EROI (Energy Return on Investment) from someone or something, it won’t feature.

If I think about the amount of work that goes into writing a book, and the risk that it might be a failure, it can be quite discouraging. But it’s probably only through the practice of writing a lot, that I’ll improve enough to succeed. Hard work and perseverance in activities that induce flow and energise me, will be key ingredients to a successful and happy life in future. Failing along the way is just part of the journey I guess. 

Do What You Love

What do you want to do every day for the rest of your life? Is it your current job, or what you spend a large amount of your time on? If not, it’s time to make a change, no excuses! 

That’s easy to say, but speaking from personal experience, I am frustrated that I didn't make a change earlier. Sure, I don’t really know what I’m going to do next but I have formulated some ideas so far. My main approach is to include flow experiences in my day as much as possible. I’m going to make sure that my next job contains one or more of them. Yes, I know that I won’t be teaching piano or sketching but those things are fun to explore and I enjoy the creative outlet.

It is hard to make a change. There may be some of you thinking that I was spoilt to inherit a business that I didn't have to create. But living someone else's dream is not fulfilling. I built the business more (on purpose) than the previous management ever did. I've sacrificed millions in earnings over the past years than if I'd stayed in a corporate job. But it's not money that I'm after, it's really living and relishing my work. 

Being a business owner sounds like such freedom but it’s actually very hard to exit a business when you’re the owner.  It sounds fun in that you can make all the decisions. But you often don’t have anyone to lean on or to bounce ideas off. It’s also really hard to restructure or sell when you realise that it just won’t work, no matter how hard you try.

Personally I always like to put in measures to prevent mistakes from happening again. 

That’s one of my strengths. I've been thinking a lot about how I could have prevented myself from getting a life-long health condition. Why didn't I spot the signs? The short answer is that I could not have done anything. The long answer includes the fact that I would always have doubted my decision to restructure and change direction if I had not taken myself so far. I had to push myself over the edge into being incapacitated, in order to be convinced that I've given it my all. No-one can tell me that I didn't try hard enough. No-one can call me a quitter. I will never say that the business took from me because I gave it willingly, and also, of course, a business is inanimate! The point is, I gave it my best shot and it didn't work. Now, I need take the lessons and make sure my future is structured differently.   

I really enjoyed the TED talk by Gary Vaynerchuk in that he’s just so comfortable in himself. He doesn't look like he’s doubting whether he’s doing the right thing. That confidence is enviable. And he has such a good point – don’t ever spend valuable years of your life doing something you don’t enjoy!

The variety of careers and jobs is more varied today than ever before. Options are what give us freedom, the freedom to pick the work we love. I don’t want to go back to being the stressed, grumpy, unhappy person I was last year. Even after a hard day, I want to be able to giggle with my kids and have the knowledge that in my heart I know I’m following my passion. I owe that to my family, my friends, to God, and mostly to myself.

Perseverance is Not Always the Answer

I enjoy reading entrepreneurial books and articles. I have a fascination with people’s passions and what makes them do what they do. I’m also a fan of research and while running a business I wanted to know more and to ensure I was doing the right things. I remember reading some quote about how success is just on the other side of feeling like giving up. Reading that advice was really detrimental for me, in fact. You see, I’m not a quitter. I persevered so much that my health collapsed. To be fair, I didn't heed the advice in the same articles of weeding out toxic elements and doing what you love.

Just searching for quotes on perseverance, you will find hundreds of examples encouraging people not to give up. My husband and I have similar values and we are both ultra-marathon runners which, by its very nature, requires perseverance. We promote this value a lot in our household and we encourage our kids to keep trying. Perseverance is a major force in my life.

In 2008 my husband and I took a trip to Japan. We ran the Tokyo marathon together and it was an amazing experience, really different from what we are used to. We are from a culture where people bail a race if you’re not fit enough or injured. Sure, you have to face the consequences if you do, in that the other runners will not let you forget it. But most people exercise common sense when it comes to their well-being. And of course there are those who just don’t have what it takes to get through the mental struggle of an ultra-marathon. I say mental because it’s not your body that fails you towards the end of a hard race.

We found it really funny to read the race guidelines for the Tokyo marathon. Several times, it was emphasised that it takes courage to quit. The cultural difference was so striking to us. And it is true, that there are people who would rather kill themselves than fail or be seen as a failure.

I inherited an ailing business that was really too far gone. I struggled through it for almost five years, while running ultra-marathons and parenting two small children. There were a number of conditions which set me up for failure but my ingrained refusal to quit pushed me so far that my own body turned on me. Of course, internalising everything did not help but you can't change your nature. I should have changed the conditions and opted out earlier. 

One of my parenting challenges is to observe when my children are in flow and to encourage more of it. And another is to make sure they don’t overdo the perseverance. If they already have inborn and value-enforced determination, pushing them to never give up is not always the answer.

Baby Steps

A year or two ago I made a blanket for my friend. It took a really long time because I couldn't dedicate hours a day to it. It was made up of 144 squares in a pattern that was not originally planned. I chipped away at it, stitch by stitch and square by square, refining the design regularly. Eventually the blanket was finished and the gratitude I received was so worth the effort.

It’s amazing how I managed to create something with small amounts of effort on a regular basis, even when I didn't know how the blanket would turn out when I started. Right now my health is not so great and I have been very frustrated and concerned that I’ll never be well. I just need to shift my thinking to how I approached the blanket. I don’t know what my future looks like but I've got to tackle it hour by hour. And as long as I just keep chipping away, I’ll get to my goal in the end, even if it needs refining along the way.

Those of us with high standards tend to berate ourselves for not getting there fast enough. We think about all the things to be achieved and we get frustrated at the pace at which we are moving. Something that is really important for people like us to remember, is how far we've come and to celebrate the achievements.

I joined the family business in July 2010 and although I was immensely frustrated in the past few years that my vision was not achieved, I did take the company really far. I grew the revenue over 400% and clients 250% in four and a half years. And that’s in a difficult economic climate in a business I wasn't passionate about. This was a business with no website that I took to one having a strong brand in its industry. Yes, it was too far behind to catch up but that doesn't mean I didn't make a success of what I had. And I ought to celebrate that. I brought my special talents and flavour to the organisation and although I didn't achieve what I wanted to achieve, I did move the business forward.

Celebrating successes, small or large, doesn't have to be arrogant or self-serving. It helps us remember how far we've come and gives us hope for the future. If I think about the me of 2010, I have learned a great deal and am much more knowledgeable about running a business. I plan to keep learning until the day I die. I’m going to count the blessings of the opportunities I've had to learn (irrespective of how my health has been affected) and celebrate successes. I need to chip away daily at getting well, at learning what works for me and how to restore myself to full health again.

What does your brain love?

In the midst of what I thought might be a mid-life crises during October, I met someone who was completely fascinating. Claire seemed quite coy at the networking meeting I was attending and, in typical style, focused more on my business than hers. Being an introvert, I find business networking quite difficult, but I have learned to stretch myself.

We hit it off straight away and in the weeks that followed a few strange co-incidences brought us closer together. She does some amazing work in specifically helping people (and teams) find their flow. I remember asking her if she’d read ‘Flow’ and she said she’d named her business after it! The timing was perfect so I asked for her help in understanding my passions and how to define my path.

The outcome of the test showed that I am primarily a right-brained person, which to be honest, was a shock to me. At school I loved Mathematics (but also languages) and I chose to study a commerce degree with a focus on software. My career matched my studies and the trade I developed was that of Business Analyst in software development. I created detailed specifications with hours spent painstakingly getting the diagrams correct, with proper semantics. I accommodated elicitation of requirements from people in the knowledge that it was a necessary part of the job. I did enjoy the writing part but also the analytical part. I excelled in that job, surprisingly, given my brain and personality profile.

My introversion also came up on the test and the fact that I have some risk-taking or entrepreneurial characteristics. Who would have thought this girl at school who excelled at Mathematics and who chose IT as an industry would turn out to be creative?

It did get me thinking about all the creative pursuits I've leaned towards in my personal life. BC (Before Children), I took classes on making cards, painting plates and decoupage. I spent my weekends creating things. At school I loved piano and dancing but had to give them up since my school was small then and they needed all pupils to do sports, at which I most definitely did not excel.

I wonder how much of following a path in commerce was to please others or to ensure a good income. I wonder what my life would have been like if I had elected to be a choreographer as I’d dreamed of as a kid. I do know myself well enough to know that I’m only recently becoming tolerant of very creative people. I've always viewed them with a little skepticism and have labelled them as ‘scatter-brained’ or ‘disorganised’ in the past. At one of my early employers I was exposed to the advertising industry on an e-commerce team. I instantly navigated towards the ‘database’ guys who were not even that strong technically. For those who are more technically inclined, one of them told me he deleted foreign keys because they ‘got in the way’.

The primary reason I left the corporate world was lack of meaning. I joined the family business with two hopes. Firstly, that I’d learn how to run a business which I have most certainly learned. And secondly, to have the flexibility and lifestyle to enjoy my children. After 18 months into the business, we obtained a credible and supportive shareholder. We finally had a chance but with that, came a lot more formality. I had to learn how to be a proper Managing Director of a company, running board meetings, ensuring all aspects of regulation were covered etc. Although I learned and benefited a lot, I traded flexibility and freedom, for admin and regulation. 

The last job I had in the corporate world was the manager of a large team of Business Analysts. The leader of the division kept telling the management team that we must run our teams like we run a business. I marvelled at the admin that he expected us, the expensive highly skilled people, to do. At the same time the team secretary played solitaire on her computer. I remember having to stamp each invoice at right angles otherwise it was rejected. I used to tell people that every time I use that stamp 'a little piece of me died'. How funny it is to look back now, being a business owner, an entrepreneur and knowing what I know.

I know that doing work you hate breaks your spirit. I know that management is overrated but leadership rocks. I know the stress and panic of not being able to pay the bills. I know the real difficulty of key man dependencies. I know how much time and effort is spent doing things to just remain legal. And I know how important it is to let people focus on what they love. 

We can only be true to ourselves if we know ourselves. I’d highly recommend doing tests and completing questionnaires to discover what makes you tick. Only then can you be sure to focus on the things that you love, not the things that you’re good at. I have learned that there is a big difference.

The Antidote

Any mother of young girls would have watched Frozen at least once in the last year. The heroine, Elsa, has a wonderful gift but doesn't know how to control it. Fear makes it more dangerous and she retreats into her ice castle, protected by the snow monster she creates. Well, I wouldn't say my gift is quite that powerful but I did connect with the withdrawing into the ice castle and needing protection. Seeing her finally being herself and the beauty she releases, really resonated with me. Elsa discovers that Love is the antidote to fear and with Love she can learn to use her gift for fun.

For about four and a half years I've struggled with Frustration in the business. Yes, that capital letter is there on purpose. Frustration that we didn't have enough money to modernise the system, frustration trying to inspire people who cannot be inspired, frustration in trying to compete with and be supported by a bank at the same time, frustration that regulations restricted my innovation and frustration that I could never land that big deal that would mean the world to the business. 

Every month I drudged through the accounting, eagerly looking at the bottom line. And each month, the growth was so small. I tried so many tactics to overcome the obstacles and kept persevering thinking that any day now, things will improve. They didn't, and when I did the budgeting exercise in October, I knew it would be foolish to use any data other than historical data to project future revenue.  I had the rude awakening that I would spend more than another year asking for funding and eking out an existence on a salary that hasn't budged for five years.

For so long, my day was filled with admin, forms, completing bank forms with the same information seven times repeated, banking transactions, arguing with the tax authority and the dreaded accounting. I have always been an academic and performed well at school. Accounting at university was the first thing I failed in my life. Once I applied myself I did well in the supplementary exam and it didn't hold me back. But mastering something doesn't make you love it. This week, I’m still doing the accounting for the business. But it is the last time. I have found someone to do it for us and am documenting the process to ease the transition. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

Like Elsa, I have discovered my antidote to Frustration – Creativity! I’m filling my day with things that I love to do. I've bought a piano, I’m making a crochet blanket of my own pattern, knitting teddy bears who each have their own little character, baking and of course, writing. I can’t do all these things in one day since my energy levels are not quite back to normal but I’m purposefully carving out fun in my day. That is my antidote.

I visited my doctor this morning and the great news is that my thyroid levels are normal. I can stop taking medication for the heart and am allowed to exercise again. I will take it on slowly to be sure that I’m not overdoing it, but I’m thrilled! I can’t stop the thyroid medication until the antibody for Graves’ disease is back to normal which we shall check at the end of the month.

I’m so pleased to get feedback from those who are reading my blog. I am simply thrilled to hear that people actually like my writing. With all this good news, I’m floating on a cloud. That ice monster can stay inside today.

Learning the Ropes

To be perfectly honest, I am learning the ropes of blogging. I’m no expert and I don’t even follow other blogs. That is my upfront disclaimer if I happen to break any written or unwritten rule of blogging etiquette.

Those of you who first saw my blog might have noticed that I've refined the layout somewhat. I think it fits my style and for those who need the tip, be sure to take a look at the gadgets on the right that tuck away neatly. I thought I created the capability to follow by email but I’m not sure if I got that right. And yes, the bullets of my last blog post are ugly. I've recently read that learning and growing is a key ingredient to happiness so bring on the learning!

I’m also curious to know what readers think of AdSense. I’m not a big fan of ads, and their assault on the senses – especially anything that throbs. Earning money while writing sounds quite appealing to me though.

I struggle to achieve things without a goal. If I can’t run an ultra-marathon this year, I’ll have to find goals associated with getting better or learning. So I've decided to follow three blogs as my first goal and hopefully I’ll pick up some tips.

Over a year ago I started an electronic journal that I called a ‘God blog’ due to my fear of public humiliation. In writing, identifying the target audience is one of the first important things to decide as it shapes the style substantially. She already knows me and wouldn't judge me too harshly so that’s what I called it. It is lonely being a business owner as you have no-one to talk to about your challenges. You can’t talk to your staff about your worries of being able to pay salaries or whether you’re leading this thing in the right direction. You need to appear confident and calm in knowing what you’re doing. So writing was my outlet and my tool in crystallising my thinking about the future of the business. I continue to use it in the path to my new career trusting that the same enlightenment is on its way.

So I think my journey will go something like this: acceptance then understanding, then healing and finally action. Since my diagnosis three weeks ago, I have most certainly accepted that my life needs to change. I think I’m still trying to understand why, although I’m most of the way through that phase. The next phase of healing will most likely be quite long as I let my body recover from years of going against the flow and suppressing my fatigue. That may take a good few months but I can say that I’m already starting to feel better.

I’m not known for my patience and I do find it very irritating that I can only have one outing a day. More than that and I find I’m pretty tired by the evening. Through regularly testing my patience, I think my children have helped me become more patient. Watching a toddler ram a round peg into a square hole (literally) over and over can be most frustrating. I think I've told them hundreds of times that you don’t need to tip a cup with a straw. I've learned to accept and even marvel at the pure volume of what human beings have to learn. My six-year-old asked me the other day ‘What is a test?’ and my first reaction was ‘Oh boy, does she have a long way to go.’ But seeing how excited she is to learn to read without being overwhelmed by how far she has to go, is inspiring to me. She tackles learning with the same gusto as she does playing.  

Our society really seems to value being busy. When people ask about my well-being I’m not sure I want my response to always be ‘Oh I’m so busy I can barely cope’. Since I've taken a step back from the hamster wheel, I've started to notice the small things around me. Since my condition makes me overheat a lot, the rain is absolutely glorious! I’m a lot less abrupt with my kids now too and I’m taking the time to tickle them; to give them frights and really listen to what they’re saying.  I want a life that contains living on purpose, stopping to enjoy each important moment; and filled with activities that are fulfilling (not just time-consuming).

I've secured myself a four month sabbatical from the business. I’m a very determined person and when I focus on something I can get it right. So now my major commitment is to get kids to school and to recover. Resting on purpose is very weird to me but perhaps it’s one of the lessons I have to learn.

Adequate recovery will mean that I’ll be ready to take action when the time comes. The action will be to ensure that my job is fulfilling, I have enough space to recover from all the things that drain my reserves during the day and I will have time to be a good parent too. As much as I have a need to achieve professionally, I’d rather be remembered for being a good parent because the impact is far more meaningful.

So I’m learning the ropes with blogging, but also with how far I can push myself currently. I am trying to really listen to my body to make sure I’m picking up early cues. It’s not forever but it is an important part of the process to ensure the future is designed right.

Analysing the Problem

Firstly, I must confess I am overwhelmed by the support and compassion shown by the readers thus far. In less than 24 hours I have had over 300 page views which I’m astounded at. I've always been very cautious to share my views and feelings publicly but I must say I’m really excited about sharing this journey and perhaps having it resonate with some of you. Thank you for your interest and the well-needed support you've offered me.

I have often had some really interesting discussions around the concept of a career passion. I've been amazed at how many people have revealed that their life passion is not what they are currently doing for a living. What surprises me is that it’s mostly people who I already perceive to be experts in their field. How many of us are walking around with hidden passions and incredible talents that are not being used? This blog is about my journey from where I am now to a future career that is designed on purpose to make the most of my talents and abilities. I’m hoping that it inspires some of you to take steps towards making your life more enjoyable too.

Medication is all good and well. But I don’t believe I’ll get a lot better by medication alone. The source of the problem needs to be uncovered and addressed in order to get fully well and avoid a relapse. So being the problem-solver that I am, I've spent a lot of time analyzing what caused me to get so sick from stress. Why doesn't this happen to other people? Am I not strong enough to withstand the stress when others can? And yes, I even drew a diagram. To protect the names of the not-so-innocent, I've sanitized it a bit.

There’s a lot in there to digest so I’ll just keep it high-level. My sources of stress are the following:

•        Sense of obligation to deliver on my promises – to various life stakeholders.
•        Being behind in technology by about 20 years, the need to catch-up and meet with regulation, led to no opportunity to innovate. Life without innovation is boring to me.
•        Without a modern system, I could not fulfill my vision for the company.
•        I need to work with people who can be inspired, who want me as their leader and who want to improve.
•        As an introvert, I spent the whole day meeting the needs of others. After work, the onslaught of little children and meeting their needs meant no respite for me to  recover.
•        As someone who is right brained, my day was filled with admin, accounting and compliance. No room to create the new, and have some fun.

If I had known myself better at the outset, I could have rearranged things to ensure my environment met my needs. Susan Cain’s book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking, has helped me a great deal in knowing myself better and accepting myself. Introverts are not dysfunctional, they can be spectacular. Albert Einstein, Steve Wozniak, Gandhi, Dr Seuss are examples of famous introverts. But now I know. I must consciously design my future to meet my own needs, not only the needs of others.

And to think this is only the start of the journey – very exciting. Pity it took a serious illness to trigger it, but perhaps many of us are not listening to the cues around us or our own bodies telling us that it’s not sustainable. Hopefully some of you can learn from my mistake and change direction before you become ill.

A quote from Petrus, the guide in Paulo Coelho’s The Pilgrimage “The person who does not know how to listen will never hear the advice that life offers us all the time.”

Introduction

I've recently been diagnosed with a stress-induced life-long condition. This has caused me to re-evaluate my life and ensure that I make the rest of it meaningful and intention-filled. I've also just turned 40 so I figure the Universe is telling me to take stock.

To me, being happy is the most important thing in life. Happiness is not wealth, or stuff, but people and being the best person I can be. I read an article recently about the regrets people have when they’re close to death. The underlying theme is relationships and this is something that has come up a lot in my life. 

I’m not particularly a people’s person but I am a people-pleaser (or an Obliger as Gretchen Rubin would say). I’m an introvert and get very tired being around people a lot. Taking time to recharge can be very difficult in a house where the little people follow me to the toilet. That being said, I do love people and need them in my day.

I’m blessed to have a wonderful husband and two amazing little girls who are the source of great joy for me. They drive me nuts too, don’t get me wrong. We live in a great home with fun, noise and laughter. I value my friends a lot, although I’m not a very good friend. Perhaps once I've finished my journey I’ll be a better friend.

The primary source of stress in my life has always been work. Since I've started working, I've tried really hard to give it my best and with reasonable success. The last five years of my career have been the hardest by far. I've been managing a business I took over from my father. I learned a great deal but I have discovered over the past few months that it is not my passion and never will be. Living someone else’s dream is not the path to happiness.

I've subscribed to many newsletters and have been watching TED talks and reading numerous books on the search for happiness. I've learned some wonderful things and I don’t remember a time when I've grown so much inside. And maybe outside from not being allowed to exercise!

I believe that meaning is the most important aspect of making our work-lives happy. That’s why I left the corporate world – I didn't have meaning. And after just having had a child, my world was full of meaning at home. The stark contrast at work was too much to bear. I jumped into the family business head first and started learning and learning and learning. I made mistakes but I also had successes and loved the ability to steer the ship myself into a direction that I decided. I made sure I measured the results and that was really fulfilling, when I got it right.

What was fundamentally missing from this equation was that I was not being true to my self. I think that relationships with people are important but the one with yourself is a non-negotiable! I’m a right-brained person doing admin and accounting for most of my day. I’m an introvert, trying to sell. I have a lot of things to offer but they won’t be found when I’m in the foetal position trying to recover from doing things I hate, and being who I’m not. I need to know myself well enough and be kind to myself to make sure I'm ok too. Something mothers sometimes don't get right.

I strongly believe that we can engineer our own lives to be happy. I’m always going on about how happiness is a choice. There are too many miserable people in the world, not doing a thing to change their circumstances. And now I find myself with a serious illness that is keeping me from any kind of exercise. The same person who runs ultra-marathons for fun. What I am forced into now is rest and recovery. It’s boring, very boring.

But this is my journey and there is something important to learn from this experience. This may just be the catalyst that my life needed to be overflowing with joy – not only from my family but from my work too.

So if you’re interested, please follow me on my journey to design a new career, based on what I truly love.