There’s a Reason

The night before last was a bad night. Both our children had ‘bad dreams’ and ended up in our bed. Four in the bed, plus the cat, is not a great recipe for a good night’s sleep I can tell you. The kicking, the snoring, the thrashing and at one point one of them was on top of my back. But it was a catalyst to let them know that enough is enough and we all sleep better in our own beds. So last night with no interruptions from little people, I should have had a great sleep, right? Wrong.

I went to bed a little later than I should have, and then tossed and turned for several hours. I’m usually able to sleep within seconds of my head hitting the pillow. I tried meditating, to calm the mind, hoping that I’d drift off to sleep. But that seemed to make it worse. I had thoughts swirling around my head almost aggressively resisting being tamed. I felt resentful and frustrated about wasting away months on end, simply recovering. And the more upset I got about not getting enough sleep, the more I was unable to sleep. Worries flooded my mind, wondering how long I’ll take to recover and what else I should be doing to speed things up.

When I woke up this morning, I didn't have a headache and after very little sleep, felt unusually refreshed. It was as if the storm had passed and the sunlight was breaking through the clouds. I woke up with the phrase in my head ‘There’s a reason’. How strange. Of course, my first instinct is to find a logical explanation. I wondered if perhaps the new medication I’m on is starting to work.

I’m not known for my patience and it is indeed frustrating, frittering away months in order to recover. I keep wishing I’d avoided this situation. I keep wondering what I could have done differently. But none of that is helpful. I am where I am, and as frustrating as it is, my job right now is to recover. Only once I’m well, can I begin new endeavours and flex my new-found self.

I've been doing a lot of reading about being true to yourself. I am examining what drives me and what I require in order to survive and to thrive. In solving life's problems, Deepak Chopra advises that it's not a passive process and that we must "participate in unblocking the flow of your own awareness". Easier said than done but I'm doing what I can towards a path of recovery and discovery. 

I've read that the very pursuit of large goals is indeed the source of happiness, not so much as reaching the goal itself. I have found in the past that as much as I've enjoyed the achievement of completing an ultra-marathon, there is far more enjoyment in the joint pursuit of the goal with friends.

But a goal such as Getting Well just seems so unnecessary, as if this scenario could have been entirely avoided. It could not, as things needed to run their course in order to initiate a change. My point, though, is that I’m not enjoying the journey. Yes, I love learning about methods of healing and I do enjoy discovering flow activities. I've been systematically working through some old workbooks on learning to play the piano and read music. I've been hacking away at chapter one of my book that, quite honestly, stinks.

These activities are hard, as running regularly is too, especially as it gets darker and darker in the mornings approaching race day. Am I approaching a watershed part of my healing and that’s why I’m struggling so much? I keep looking for meaning in what I’m going through and what I’m discovering. A special friend drew my attention to this poem a few months ago, which seems to capture my journey.

“I would like to beg you, dear sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.” ~ Rainer Maria Rilke, 1903, from Letters to a Young Poet

The phrase ‘there’s a reason’ made me think about how having faith gives you hope. I have strayed from my religious upbringing as it is my belief that religion is a sub-set of spirituality, with too many exclusionary man-made rules. Knowing the self is closely linked with spirituality and finding one’s purpose. I almost felt like I've had an epiphany this morning but didn't quite understand it. Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that along with the flow, comes the ebb. Recovery isn't measured on a linear scale. On the whole, however, I feel that the tide is coming in.

Passion Pushers

I read an article today about how parents are doing their children a disservice by pushing them to find their passions. Pushing your kids to succeed in a way that helps them get the most out of themselves can be really beneficial. Pushing them to a point where they are unhappy or in negative stress, is just bad parenting.

I’m a huge fan of Elizabeth Gilbert. She knew that writing is what she wanted to do from early on in life. She has also commented on how some of her friends are multi-talented and how that can make it difficult to find your passion. Each path is probably worth exploring, at least a little until you’re ready to make a choice. Ideally, that choice should not be based on how much money you can make, or pressure from anyone, but rather on how you find meaning. 

People discover their passions at varying stages of their lives. I have enjoyed many areas in my past and currently my career path is changing, half way through my career. It might not even end up being that different from my past, but I will be sure that it’s implemented on purpose.  When my parents where choosing a career the options went something like doctor, dentist, lawyer, teacher, secretary. Now, the mere options are inexhaustible and with technology shaping the world so dramatically, the future is open to so much more.

I remember being asked interview questions like “Where will you be in ten years’ time?” I always thought that it’s a ridiculous question because we simply cannot predict the opportunities that come our way. That seems like quite a reactive thought to have, but early on in my career I found it difficult to have a strong vision. Only once I really had exposure to the things I enjoyed and didn't enjoy, did I start to form an idea of where I’m going. Now I also realise that I may not have pursued the correct passion, although I've had success. The Best Possible Future Self I developed at age 25 would look really different from the one I've created recently. 

It can be a minefield to navigate, and a decision can only be made once you know yourself well. I believe it takes courage to change career paths since it challenges your identity and how people see you. But it's naive to expect to know everything at the start. 

This week I watched a documentary on the band Queen. Watching footage of how they found inspiration for some famous songs, was truly amazing. The reading I've done on finding your flow emphasises the need for concentration, and typically that needs to happen while you’re alone. How wonderful that a group of four people, each bringing their special talents to the mix, can participate in a flow experience regularly to create something so beautiful.

I suppose I have had discussions in my work environment with Software Developers where we debated and discussed the solutions, and together found a great result that we could not have accomplished alone. Being a Managing Director does not accommodate that kind of flow experience unfortunately. Perhaps the Peter Principle is not the issue but rather the principle where you are promoted out of your flow. Maybe that’s why management is so grumpy and demanding.

Finding your passion can be automatic or it can take decades. As a parent, my role is to nurture them and to facilitate their path, not to push in a direction that I see. I'd like to be an enabler to them and if they take 30 years to find their passion, it was faster than me.

Finding flow can be a challenging exercise, that can take a really long time. No-one can really push you there – you do have to find it yourself. At 40 years old I’m still exploring aspects of myself, discovering what I loved when I was younger, and formulating ideas on what my future could look like. Although I’m not known for my patience, I believe rushing things would be a big mistake. My priority now is to recover to full health and while doing so, experience more things that I enjoy. Hopefully along the way my future career passion will come to light.

Social Comparison

I've read a lot about social comparison lately – the tendency to compare ourselves with others. This morning I was listening to the song Goat Girl by Tanya Donelly. 

I find it quite cute the way she says she wanted a Lion but she ended up with a Man who wanted a Gazelle. We wish we were wealthier, more elegant and thinner and we look at other spouses, wondering if they are more like Tanya’s Lion. We all have our faults and failures and people tend to put on their best side when in public. I can guarantee you that Lion you've been ogling also farts in the bed and leaves his underpants on the floor.

How much time do you spend wishing for your life to be different? Wishing for your partner to change or for that bigger house, car, better job, fancy holiday, more sparkly jewelry. None of those things can hurt but they are not the source of happiness. What others have is great for them but having more of anything won't make you happy. Research shows that it only temporarily lifts happiness and that you will return to your happiness default. When happiness windfalls happen, we adapt to the good fortune and incorporate it as our happiness norm. This is called hedonic adaptation.  

I know someone who was brought up in a poor household, with many siblings. They are not skilled but married into a wealthy marriage, after breaking up a family. With no boundaries, they enjoyed fulfilling every whim - holidays overseas, new cars annually, fancy food, country clubs and any material asset one would desire. And yet they are the unhappiest person I have ever known. 

One of the key ingredients of a happy life is gratitude. And in being content within yourself. Stop wishing for something else and start loving what's there. If you're wishing to be different, make some goals and take steps towards the better you. Many people want others to change but that's truly unrealistic. It's better to focus on improving yourself and you may, or may not, see a change in their behaviour. 

The path to happiness most certainly does not include social comparison. Indeed it is the opposite. Rather, switch your thoughts to gratitude and savouring, two proven strategies in enhancing our happiness. As the Goat Girl says, “I do my brutish best” and my husband loves me anyway. 

Keeping the Boredom at Bay

I've been wondering lately why I seem to avoid meditation and my daily nap, despite the fact that they are on my self-care roster as daily activities. There are days when I skip one of both of them. The plain truth is that it’s boring. There’s an opportunity cost in that I’m not learning, growing, advancing towards something. I suppose one could argue that the nap and the meditation speed up my recovery but it just feels boring to think of nothing and to sleep. At the end of each day I like to feel as if I’m closer to a goal or improving myself. But I suppose the reality is that I need a lot of days with nothing but rest in order to restore myself to full health.

And as usual for me, when there’s a problem, I need to find a solution. I’m doing well on my roster in that I’m ticking off the occasional responsibility item such as children dentist trips. But it does get monotonous. And I have read that any happiness-inducing strategy needs to change occasionally if you want to retain its effectiveness. It’s easy to get bored of scheduled acts of kindness and gratitude journaling. So today’s task is to plan for the next month as well as to get started on my book.

As I've mentioned in my post about goals, it’s important to set deadlines and to create sub-goals. I've created a rough outline of chapters for my book and have given myself a month on each chapter and a month to edit. So chapter one is due in a few weeks and it will be something new for me to tackle. As mentioned, one of my focus areas is to find flow activities and writing is certainly one of them. Any flow activity, by definition, needs to include a challenge that is slightly greater than skill, in order to keep your attention and to challenge you. It will be a difficult exercise to structure my ideas into a set of chapters that work well together.

I also realised that I’d like to inject some fun or creativity into my life. I've heard of an online course where you can learn to draw. I've signed up for a women’s retreat in May that should be an opportunity to be creative, meet other people and of course, to escape my children. And I think it’s really positive to be taking a step that puts my well-being first. As I mentioned in my last post, I need to speak up about the things I want to do and not to just let everyone else decide my activities for me.

The organiser is Taryn Harris, who also suffered from a stress-related condition and changed her life as a result. She is really inspiring to me and I’m so looking forward to meeting her and understanding the insights she can share.

A batch of books arrived today which always cheers me up. For a change, they are not related to happiness or self-help but are around rediscovering your creativity. This is just the catalyst I needed to shake things up and find a little optimism in the drudgery of rest. And yes, I will most certainly do my meditation and my nap today.

It takes Courage to be Yourself

I've been thinking about how we become so conditioned by other people’s expectations of who we are and who we ought to be.

I attended university in Cape Town and I had to wait a year because my father didn't want me to leave home. I wonder what the cost of that year of earnings equates to, compounded over my career? Anyway, in my wisdom, it was a worth the wait and I found a good career path, nice and respectable. I’m learning now that I have other talents that could be used to make a more fulfilling career path for me in future.

Friends ridiculed me for my hip-swinging dancing style from the city. I had to adjust to the more alternative, grungy dance moves in order to fit it. Although I do like a lot of the music, it wasn't really me and I've never seen a convincing blonde Goth.

I've been wondering lately, with being a people-pleaser, how much of the real me has been lost along the way in order to fit in or gain approval. How often I bite my tongue for the sake of harmony and good manners. How often do I fail to speak up for my own needs and simply go along with what’s best for everyone else. When you do that, you never really end up doing what you want to do. And over time that can create a great deal of resentment, which is entirely your own fault. You can’t expect the world around you to read your mind and to know what you want. I’m guilty of this and I'm learning to speak my truth.

There are a lot of extroverts in my extended family. They have very strong opinions and they all shout each other down. Among them, I find myself just listening and making my own internal judgements. I’m afraid of retribution if I disagree and I’m afraid to be contradictory, which goes against my need for harmony. But this has stood in my way because they don’t really know me. If you had to ask them about what drives me and the things that I love doing, they would all struggle. But that’s not really their fault. Sure, it’s important to listen to those around you and to give people a chance to contribute to the conversation. But I should have fought for my own right to speak.

Speaking up for your beliefs, especially in the face of conflicting views, takes courage and strength. You must be prepared for people to judge you, to disagree with you and even to shun you. Some family members have been ex-communicated so the possibility does exist. But I've learned through my struggles lately, that it does you more harm to keep your truth inside.

I have failed to speak up when people hurt me in the past. I've failed to fight for my right to speak; to be treated fairly and to be loved and accepted for who I am. I think it’s a common problem for introverts and for people who like to keep the peace. But where are all those bottled up emotions and ideas going? Keeping it all inside is really not good for you. I’m exploring ways to express myself better, this blog being one of them.

I’m also conscious of not laying down expectations onto my kids. “Art is for hippies” or “you can’t make a living out of that”, will not be phrases that come from me as a parent. I want my children to follow their passions and the money will come. Loving what you do is far too important.

No-one becomes famous or achieves greatness from trying to fit in. It’s in celebrating your own uniqueness, that your true genius emerges. It’s imperative that we all learn to be comfortable with who we are and to speak our truth, no matter the consequences.

Procrastination

We all know that procrastination is an unhealthy habit. We put off something that we don’t want to do, usually because we find it uncomfortable or unpleasant. I have some personal bugbears which include unnecessary amounts of rigid rules and process. Banking falls into this category. I personally feel that the banking industry is in for a shake-up with new technologies and market participants being more efficient and responsive to the customer. Compliance with regulation is another one that burns holes in my soul.

I have a few things outstanding in the above categories that I need to address. But I’m waiting until my health improves and I feel a little stronger in order to tackle them. I'll be mindful of whether I'm really not up to it or actually procrastinating when the time comes. 

A lovely book I read, Eat That Frog, provides some really great tips on how to tackle procrastination. Some of the tips include eat the ugliest frog first, don’t stare at it for long, resist the temptation to do small things (remember the 80/20 rule), prioritise, delegate what you can, prepare fully and launch right in. Focussing on the top three problems in each category of your life can help you focus, and ensure you address the most significant things first. There's no point fixing trivial problems when there are major ones dragging you down. 

Even before doing Gretchen Rubin’s quiz, I knew that I was an Obliger - a people-pleaser. I prioritise the needs of others over my own as such, us Obligers are prone to burnout! Indeed, I find my health in a really poor state from trying to meet the needs of other people. 

In order for me to meet my own needs, one of the best strategies is to publish my goals. It’s this external accountability that drives me because it will be embarrassing if I fail. I’m focussing on setting goals that are about me now and I’m making them known so that I can be sure to meet them. My top two goals for this year:

• Get well (this is the biggest problem in my life currently – falls into the health/vitality category)
• Write a book – ready for publication end December 2015 (this goal is aligned with finding flow experiences since I've spent years working outside my flow)

What I have noticed is that I don’t procrastinate on areas of where I find flow. I actually get a little irritable if I can’t write in my day. For me, that is a good sign, in that I know that those are the things that must be part of my future career.

When tackling something I have been procrastinating on, I try to remind myself that I feel so good when it's complete. I often wonder why I put it off for so long when it wasn't really that hard. A really important aspect is setting deadlines. If there is no date assigned to something, I tend to drift. 

Another strategy is to promise yourself that you only have to spend two minutes on the ugliest frog. Getting started is usually the hardest part, so one usually finds that two minutes extends into an hour or more. With my running training I found the hardest step is the one out of bed. Once you’re up, it’s easy to keep going. And it feels great once it’s done. 

It's important to know what drives you. I know that I can be motivated by fear. The fear of running 56 km of difficult hills motivates me to get going in the morning. Fear of being embarrassed by not meeting published goals is something else that drives me. Knowing yourself well helps in figuring out how to overcome procrastination and achieve the things that are important to you. 

Acceptance show Progress

Today my favourite ultra-marathon is being run and I should be running my 7^th one.  In the past ten years of running, I've only missed three for child-rearing reasons. This year, for health reasons, I’m unable to even run one kilometre, never mind a tough 56km!

We've all been exposed to those stages of grief and loss where we move from denial to anger, bargaining and finally into acceptance. I have not lost anyone but I have lost something quite vital: my health and the ability to run ultra-marathons, potentially forever.

I’m not a particularly fast runner but I can persevere and run far. It takes a great deal of commitment to do the training and towards the end it really gets gruelling. I know that I'm capable of running better times but I've been doing what I can, given how depleted I've been over the past few years. I've always thought that when my kids are bigger and when the business is more stable, I can apply myself to running, and reach more goals around speed. And now that feels like an impossibility, knowing that putting my body under strain will cause my health to regress. It is indeed a loss for me.

Runners tend to seek out doctors who will tell them they can run but just to take precautions. I remember really doubting my doctor when he told me no exercise at all. And now I realise how harmful it was, and could have been, as my symptoms included irregular heartbeat. Many runners have passed away on races from heart attacks, and it’s due to an underlying condition, just like I have. In January, I was still resisting and quite clearly, in denial.

But by the time it has come to the day of my favourite race, I’m not in denial and I’m not angry. I’m quite ok with being home for the Easter weekend with my kids. I’m monitoring my favourite people with the app and enjoying the race on TV. Sure, it would be great to be part of it and I do miss the vibe and the sense of achievement that comes with doing something so hard.

I've found myself saying lately that my health collapse has been a blessing. It sounds cheesy but it has been a catalyst for change. And I needed something major to happen, in order to rearrange my life. My work is changing, my family dynamic is changing and my contracts with parents and friends might have to change too. Some contracts are cancelled and some will have altered or new terms in future. People resist change but I’m going to have to fight for myself so that my health does not slip backwards.

Your relationships are tested when you’re in crisis. The people I expected most to support me, have not. And some who I see as acquaintances have come through for me, offering to look after my kids when I need a break. I don’t even get that support from my parents. These insights are a gift, allowing me to identify the really special people around me.

I’m still not running and not really even exercising. I miss it tremendously, especially my close running friends with whom I've shared many hours of fun, laughter, struggle and growth. But if I can arrange my life well and be conscious of what drains me, I can make arrangements to meet some goals in future. I’m also now well-equipped to know who I can lean on. 

For the past few months, I've found the recovery quite boring and frustrating. But today I have noticed that there’s progress in the fact that I've accepted my new life.