I've been thinking about how we become so conditioned by
other people’s expectations of who we are and who we ought to be.
I attended university in Cape Town and I had to wait a year
because my father didn't want me to leave home. I wonder what the cost of that
year of earnings equates to, compounded over my career? Anyway, in my wisdom,
it was a worth the wait and I found a good career path, nice and respectable. I’m
learning now that I have other talents that could be used to make a more
fulfilling career path for me in future.
Friends ridiculed me for my hip-swinging dancing style from
the city. I had to adjust to the more alternative, grungy dance moves in order
to fit it. Although I do like a lot of the music, it wasn't really me and I've never seen a convincing blonde Goth.
I've been wondering lately, with being a people-pleaser, how
much of the real me has been lost along the way in order to fit in or gain
approval. How often I bite my tongue for the sake of harmony and good manners.
How often do I fail to speak up for my own needs and simply go along with what’s
best for everyone else. When you do that, you never really end up doing what
you want to do. And over time that can create a great deal of resentment, which
is entirely your own fault. You can’t expect the world around you to read your
mind and to know what you want. I’m guilty of this and I'm learning to speak
my truth.
There are a lot of extroverts in my extended family. They
have very strong opinions and they all shout each other down. Among them, I
find myself just listening and making my own internal judgements. I’m afraid of
retribution if I disagree and I’m afraid to be contradictory, which goes
against my need for harmony. But this has stood in my way because they don’t
really know me. If you had to ask them about what drives me and the things that
I love doing, they would all struggle. But that’s not really their fault. Sure,
it’s important to listen to those around you and to give people a chance to
contribute to the conversation. But I should have fought for my own right to
speak.
Speaking up for your beliefs, especially in the face of conflicting
views, takes courage and strength. You must be prepared for people to judge
you, to disagree with you and even to shun you. Some family members have been
ex-communicated so the possibility does exist. But I've learned through my
struggles lately, that it does you more harm to keep your truth inside.
I have failed to speak up when people hurt me in the past. I've failed to fight for my right to speak; to be treated fairly and to be loved and
accepted for who I am. I think it’s a common problem for introverts and for people
who like to keep the peace. But where are all those bottled up emotions and
ideas going? Keeping it all inside is really not good for you. I’m exploring
ways to express myself better, this blog being one of them.
I’m also conscious of not laying down expectations onto my
kids. “Art is for hippies” or “you can’t make a living out of that”, will not
be phrases that come from me as a parent. I want my children to follow their passions
and the money will come. Loving what you do is far too important.
No-one becomes famous or achieves greatness from trying to
fit in. It’s in celebrating your own uniqueness, that your true genius emerges.
It’s imperative that we all learn to be comfortable with who we are and to
speak our truth, no matter the consequences.
