Monday 27 April 2015

Are you Highly Sensitive?

In Susan Cain’s book, Quiet, she talks about two research psychologists who focussed on sensitivity. In separate studies, Jerome Kagan and Elaine Aron identified characteristics of those who are more sensitive than others. Kagan studied babies into their teenage years and was able to predict which ones would turn out to be quiet teenagers. The sensitive babies reacted strongly to stimuli such as balloons popping, bright colours and strong scents. Kagan labelled these children “high-reactive”.

Those who know me will know that I like research. When I need to know more on a subject, I read as much as I can gain access to. So when my first child was born, I read voraciously in order to cope better and to minimise her discomfort. Those of you who have cared for a small baby know that it’s quite difficult to troubleshoot the cause of crying. I used to go through the basic checklist: she has been fed, she has a clean diaper, she is not tired, she is not too cold or too hot etc. What I realised after a while is that she became overstimulated very easily. A lot of noise in the day or strong perfume from cuddling relatives led to bouts of hysterical crying in the night, for which I could do very little. I had to rock her gently in a dark room, holding her tight to soothe her as best I could.

Her sister on the other hand was a clear extrovert from the outset and had no such needs. It is quite difficult to overstimulate her because she thrives on attention, noise and fun. There is no question in our family that my oldest daughter and myself are the introverts. We prefer the volume on the TV to be lower than the rest of the family do, and we get tired from busy outings with lots of interaction.

Elaine Aron studied “highly sensitive” people who limit surprises, carefully consider consequences before acting, dislike small talk and are sensitive to strong sounds, sights, smells and coffee. The highly sensitive people have more empathy and think in an unusually complex way. An interesting aspect of Aron’s findings was that the amygdala in the brain became more strongly activated in highly sensitive people when exposed to disturbing imagery.


It would be my guess that sensitive people are more subject to stress than the remainder of the population. For those of us who think deeply about things and who are easily affected by social dynamics, we bear a larger burden. I know that I have struggled to manage stress in my life and now have a life-long stress-induced condition. It was not surprising to find that the highly sensitive test was a resounding Yes for me. 

If you are introverted or sensitive, I’m sure you've been criticised for it in the past. I've been told many times in performance appraisals that I need to build on my resilience. What I love about Susan Cain’s book is that she highlights the benefits of being an introvert. She cites many examples of famous people who did their best work alone and who were profoundly affected by events. We are not dysfunctional, we are just different, with different needs and qualities to contribute. 

Having empathy and being aware of other people’s feelings can make you a real asset to a team. Being able to think differently leads to improved problem solving and innovation. Just don’t put a highly sensitive person in a noisy office environment. Allow them to work from home or have flexible work hours without being labelled weird or a ‘loner’. And for yourself, know when to take action to restore your energy. Allowing the best of your nature to shine is more your responsibility than that of your manager. 

Saturday 25 April 2015

How Strong are your Boundaries?

One of the things that contributed to my recent health collapse is poor emotional boundaries. I didn't have strong boundaries established and that meant that anyone could impose almost anything on me. I wasn't firm enough, even with my children, in articulating what is for me and what is for them.

If you’re wondering what I mean, I’ll give you an example. I set up a small office at home that leads off my bedroom. Somehow our exercise bike became part of the furniture also. My children like to follow me around and they end up bringing dolls, marbles, toys and a myriad of other things into my tiny office. You can imagine what happens when they start fighting over the toys and how much work I can get done. So from now on, my office is off limits. They can knock but they can’t come in. This is my space. This is where I write and think. This is where I can control the noise level, the ambiance, the scent. It is in fact the only tiny space of the house that I can make my own.  

I let them overflow into my space without being clear that this is for me and it is not a playroom. I’m happy to sit with them in their rooms or the TV room to play and to create things together. But not in my office. That is my space and my space only. Now to find another spot for that exercise bike…


My office boundary is a physical one – it is a room. The most important of boundaries are emotional boundaries that define healthy relationships. Unhealthy relationships have unclear boundaries, or boundaries that are encroached upon repeatedly. Is someone taking your time, money or energy that you’re not comfortable giving? You might also be subject to unwelcome advances from a colleague or friend.

Establishing and maintaining boundaries takes energy, of which I have very little at the moment. I have put up boundaries to protect myself and to improve the relationships in my life. And it has been difficult, given my need to please others and my aversion of conflict. However, I am slowly making headway and ensuring that my energy is not drained by emotionally or financially needy people.

A strong sense of self goes hand in hand with boundaries. When your own boundaries are weak or when you overflow into spaces where you’re not welcome, relationships suffer. Being clear of who you are and what you want, helps to define healthy boundaries. Prioritising your own needs is not selfish, it is vital for maintaining a strong sense of self. As much as closeness with your partner or spouse is important, even more important is maintaining the 'you' they fell in love with. 

One hears about creating ‘me time’ a lot lately. Spending time alone helps to build the sense of self and helps to let others know that your needs are important. I would strongly encourage everyone to take some time for themselves, once a week at least, to safeguard your sanity and strengthen your identity.


Relationships are probably the greatest source of happiness in our lives. They take work and they need to be give-and-take. Think about the boundaries in your life: professional, friendships and family. Make sure you're respecting the boundaries of others. Make sure your boundaries are firm and that people know where they stand. Expect some backlash when you establish new boundaries as people do try to keep you as they want you to be.

But in the words of Robert Frost, “Good fences make good neighbors”.

Friday 24 April 2015

How Many Times are you Prepared to Fail?

I’m reading a book called Mindset by Prof Carol Dweck. She has a lovely TED talk on the subject. She speaks of two mindsets: a fixed mindset or a growth mindset where you believe that people can improve on their abilities, intelligence, talents etc. People of the growth mindset are far more inclined to try harder to learn, and aren't as afraid to fail, relative to those with a fixed mindset.

I’m always interested in what keeps people going after failures and why they persevere. I've read many entrepreneurial articles that encourage the reader to keep trying despite spectacular failures. They cite numerous examples of really famous and successful entrepreneurs who have failed many times before succeeding. Many authors have also written a number of books that failed to achieve anything before they really ‘made it big’.

Having managed a small business and failed to turn it around, I sometimes wonder what else I could have done or what I should have done differently. Truth be told, I should have been wiser at the outset but at least I am now. I spent almost five years in the business, struggling to bring my strategy to life and to take all elements from the 1980’s into the present: software, processes and mindsets. What a struggle that was and it still didn't result in a profitable business. Yes I learned a lot but I also failed at many things.

I’m not too fond of failure. I did well at school and I like to succeed. I’m not afraid of hard work but I do find the failures tough. Yes, I know what you’re thinking: ‘There’s no such thing as a failure, there are only lessons’. That may be so, but it doesn't make the ‘lessons’ any less difficult to live through.

It is daunting starting something new, knowing that it might not work. The next job I take on, or the next project I start might not be successful. My book might be an utter disaster, only purchased by my friends. But what are my options? I can’t give up. I can’t hide in a corporate cubicle as I will surely perish. I simply have to give it a try. And I may well fail many times over. My main focus will be that I’m doing what I love and that I manage my failures wisely and take the lessons without feeling defeated.


I want to follow my passion and make sure each day has something enjoyable in it. I want to have time for my children and time for myself to reflect and to grow myself. I want to ensure my week includes something creative and something just for me. If I imagine a life like this, it may not bring in a lot of money but I will be happy and that will be worth it.

Thinking of the opposite where I bring in a lot of money but I’m tied to other people’s dreams, deliverables or passions, is simply not an option for me. I live my life for me now. I invest my time and energy in those closest to me and in things that will bear fruit. If I don’t get EROI (Energy Return on Investment) from someone or something, it won’t feature.

If I think about the amount of work that goes into writing a book, and the risk that it might be a failure, it can be quite discouraging. But it’s probably only through the practice of writing a lot, that I’ll improve enough to succeed. Hard work and perseverance in activities that induce flow and energise me, will be key ingredients to a successful and happy life in future. Failing along the way is just part of the journey I guess. 

Thursday 23 April 2015

Are You Feeling Left Out?

I've often wondered who’s fault it is when someone is feeling left out. Watching children play exposes some interesting social dynamics. They are not trying to be anything, they are just themselves. So why do some get left out? And whose responsibility is it to rectify the situation?

There are times for sure when someone is being deliberately excluded and it can be pretty hurtful to be on the receiving end of that. But I think a lot of the time we feel left out because we fail to engage. Did you do everything possible to contribute? Did you make it known that you wanted to be part of it?

Sometimes I think we expect others to be mind readers and to know what we think or want. Yes, it is true that it can be scary and make you feel vulnerable to make your needs known and to risk rejection. Having done the values exercise in Tony Robbins' book Awaken the Giant Within, I discovered that some of my ‘moving away’ values are humiliation and rejection. Could I be missing out on some life-changing activities by avoiding them? Possibly.

If you were truly made to feel unwelcome, perhaps it's not the thing for you. In this world full of opportunities and options, there are more than enough avenues to achieve what you want to achieve. Respect yourself enough to know that there is a place for you to contribute and to be accepted. I'm finding that as I become interested in things, opportunities keep emerging. Currently, I'm exploring creativity and how it helps me recover. I'm finding that people are sending me art class and workshop invitations regularly. If you are open to things and are willing to put yourself out there, you find that more doors tend to open for you. 

Vulnerability can be the source of great growth and joy if we allow ourselves to take the risk. Take a look at this TED talk on the subject.  As adults my feeling is that it’s our own responsibility to make ourselves part of the dynamic. Being an introvert makes it a lot harder to assert your needs but if it’s really something you believe in and something you want to be part of, involve yourself. Why are you waiting for an invitation? Most people are too busy living their lives and dealing with their own problems to worry about whether you’re feeling included.  



I see many people living in fear. Fear of being judged, fear of the unknown or fear of putting themselves out there. Fear of speaking up for what they want. I say, nothing ventured, nothing gained. You would only have yourself to blame if you didn't experience something new. 

I'm certainly exploring creativity in ways that I've never tried before. And it can be a little daunting at times. But I'm enjoying it and it might become a way for me to restore myself to full health and find my true sense of self that has been diluted by meeting everyone else's needs for too long. As part of this journey I've learned that you can grow as a person if you stretch yourself a little. I don't want to be living in a cage and afraid to speak up about what I want. And if I have to make myself vulnerable to speak my truth, that's what I'll do. 

Listen the the lyrics of this beautiful song about speaking up: Brave and check out this inspiring lady, Taryn Harris for whom this is her theme song

Tuesday 21 April 2015

Self-Help With a Pinch of Salt

As I'm sure you are aware, I read a lot of ‘self-help’ books in order to understand myself, and ultimately to grow as a person. I believe that investing in me will lead to sustainable happiness and in turn will benefit those I love most.

That being said, I've noticed that some of the pointers in these books are not really applicable in every situation. Following their advice blindly could actually cause quite a bit of harm. Many of the themes that I've noticed are things like:
  • Weed out negative thoughts
  • Remove toxic elements from your life
  • Get up earlier in the morning
  • Spend time alone – this also includes meditation and mindfulness
  • Stop procrastinating
  • Get more exercise and eat well
  • Read to enrich yourself and research your areas of expertise
  • Focus on your core strengths and outsource the rest
  • Persevere no matter what
  • Create goals with deadlines and monitor
  • Do what you fear – go out of your comfort zone
  • Serve others – contribute to society
  • Identify your life purpose and follow it

While many of the above are really useful, some would actually set me back in my current state of health.  I simply cannot get up earlier in the morning because what I need most is rest. Once I’m well, that would make sense and I’d love to either exercise as I used to do, or simply take time for myself to quiet my mind before the day begins.

Exercise is not much of an option at the moment, although I’m doing the odd five minute cycle. Yes, it’s pathetic but that’s what is currently viable.  I am indeed shackled by my state of health currently, and it does cause me a great deal of frustration. But I keep thinking that there is a lesson in this that I’m being given, and I need to listen and learn it.

As I've mentioned in a previous blog, I don’t believe perseverance is always the answer. I kept pushing through things I didn't enjoy for years, for the benefit of other people. I did myself a lot of harm doing that. I promote not giving up at the first obstacle but occasionally, it’s good to take a step back and think about whether this is something you really want to be doing for many years to come. If not, don’t continue.

Contribution for me is a difficult one. One of my values is Helping People and I love to give back to the world in the work that I do. However, in being a mother of small children, I cannot escape a great deal of giving on a daily basis, and sometimes to the point of being utterly depleted. I know I have a habit of taking on too much and of not asking for help. I have to learn to reign in what I choose to do and then do it well. I have to learn to ask for help and to take it when offered. I see a lot of areas where I’d love to contribute, but I need to hold back in order to preserve my energy for the really important things. I don’t think this tussle will end, even when I’m in remission. It will be an everlasting tension in my life.


For me, the last one is the most important of all. Identify your life purpose and follow it. It is not selfish, it is not indulgent. It is our purpose. We all have talents and abilities that are unique to us. We were given them for a reason and it’s almost criminal not to make the most of them. Talents are there to enrich your life and the world. If you are not putting your talents to good use, what’s holding you back? It is my strong belief that we do each have a calling and it is our responsibility to act on it. Not only for our good but for the good of those around us.

So I keep reading and I even summarise key learnings after each book I read. But I know that there are some strategies that don't apply to me right now. There are more than enough strategies to implement that do apply and that can help me, and I'm making the most of each.  

“The path that is the most successful in life is guided by desire” ~ Deepak Chopra

Monday 20 April 2015

Recovery is Slow

People ask me quite often if I’m feeling better and it’s a hard question to answer. Recovering from something quite major like Graves’ disease is not the same as the flu. It’s going to take months to go into remission and some people have told me to cater for a year. I took years to get into this poor state of health and to embed the life circumstances that created it. And it will take many months to recover and to unravel my life. It takes focus, discipline and courage to renegotiate and to prioritise yourself.


I’m not sure I’ll ever feel as robust as I have felt earlier in my life but perhaps that’s true of any grown-up. I've always wanted a sabbatical but I dreamed of having the time to do things, learn things, clear out cupboards at home and enhance myself significantly. It’s true I’m on a personal growth path but I have to be quite cautious with anything that drains my energy, given my depleted state. I can’t commit to courses that last four hours because I’m afraid I’ll take days to recover.

There’s no question that recovery is boring. And it’s frustrating that my state of health is not apparent to other people. Sometimes I wonder if people think I’m just pretending. I haven’t lost hair or weight and I’m not covered in purple spots. I can hold a conversation and can go out briefly. I don’t believe in dramatizing my illness so I probably put on a more energetic demeanour for my rare outings. What people don’t see is the impact of overdoing it. They don’t see me having to sleep for a few hours each day in order to just cope with caring for my kids. They don’t see that I actually need recovery time on a Monday after the weekend.

I have times when I think I’m getting better. On Friday I missed my daily nap due to my three-year-old being sick. Expecting to feel exhausted on Saturday morning, I actually woke up before my children. That tells me that perhaps I’m getting enough sleep and I’m starting to recover. But it’s really hard to tell whether that’s true, or just one occurrence that I should not read anything into.

I’m really afraid of regressing as I do struggle to know how well I really am. Looking back, I know that I am much better than I was in November last year. But I also know that I’m not up to a full work day or even a lot of commitments in a week. I have blood tests taken once a month and my doctor has not really even given me timelines on how long this typically takes. I’m doing what I can to rest but how do I know if I should be only sleeping and reading? I’m afraid that by the time my medical leave is over, I might actually not be up to it. Am I wasting my leave by going out for coffee once a week? I also need to solve this underlying problem of my future career passion and that can’t be done at home by myself all day for months on end. I have to talk to people and be around those who care. 

Many of the entrepreneurial articles and personal growth books I’ve read cite the importance of waking up early in order to succeed. Ordinarily I’d love to do that – be up before the family wakes, have a chance to shower in peace, go to the toilet without being followed and perhaps write a bit. Given my state of depletion and how much rest I need, I simply have not been able to do that. 

I so look forward to a time when I can work, I can help people, contribute to the world and still have energy to care for my kids. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to run again. It all feels so far away. I’m tackling my recovery like a project, with my self-care roster and making sure I have alternative healing and a healthy diet. But that could also be a problem. Maybe I’m creating more stress for myself. I just don’t know and there’s no-one who can guide me.

So the answer to the question ‘Are you feeling better?’ right now is ‘I think so but I’ve got a long way to go’.

Saturday 18 April 2015

Stumbling on Grumpy

Daniel Gilbert is a well-known author of the book Stumbling On Happiness. I've just finished it and to be honest, I’m not sure why he’s so renowned. Gilbert spends the entire book explaining why we are wrong. We can’t predict what will make us happy, our memories are flawed and we can’t even see straight. There is no question that his writing style is entertaining and he has a great sense of humour but I’m really not sure that his chosen topic is ideal, given his outlook.

Anyone who chooses to read a book about happiness, is probably wanting to be happier. Even the process of reading the book made me unhappy as I counted the pages towards the end. I’d favour reading The How of Happiness or the The Happiness Project if you want to work on being happier.

The basic tenet of Gilbert’s book is that we are highly incapable of predicting our future emotions. But why is that so important? Certainly, if we are about to make a big life decision, we’d like to make sure it will bring us happiness. He shows in the research that it’s more accurate to ask someone else in that position how happy it makes them. But no-one can truly be completely in the position you wish to full as they are not you. 

If you know yourself well, you will know what you like, you know where you want to live or who you want to marry or what career to follow. Imagine me asking a writer if it’s fun and basing my future career on that. Wouldn't I be the fool?


I’m expending a great deal of time and effort into knowing my strengths and weaknesses, talents and desires. Once those are completely clear, I can formulate options for my new career, try them out and make a decision. I’m all for talking to people to understand the pros and cons of any role and what others find challenging and rewarding. I like to obtain views from others as my leadership style is affiliatory. But no-one comes with my experiences, background, culture, beliefs, fears, talents and dreams.

Now that I’m finished his book, it’s time to shake things up again. Happiness is not found in monotony, especially for someone right-brained. As mentioned in my previous post, I believe creativity to be one of the key paths to finding yourself and your life passion. My original search for books on how to find your passion yielded few results. But I did come across a book called ‘The Artists Way’, written by Julia Cameron who helps people connect with their innate talents and their creativity. I’m really excited about it and I’m hoping it will unlock something in me that will lead to some real personal growth. 

Friday 17 April 2015

Follow Your Bliss

I’m crazy about Masterchef Australia for a number of reasons. I am, of course, really interested in people who have the courage to switch paths, sometimes quite late in life. It’s so interesting to see how the contestants often comment on how they have grown as a person so much more than they anticipated. They entered the competition to gain skills and a head-start in becoming a chef. Not only do they all (not only the winner) pick up new skills in their chosen profession, but they push themselves to grow. In doing so, they discover a profound flow experience in the creation of food. It is a creative exercise and requires imagination, skill and knowledge. What an amazing journey they are taken on and it’s no wonder there are tears as each contestant is eliminated from the competition.

One of the judges this week used the phrase ‘follow your bliss’ and that really sums up my intention for this blog. What is it that inspires you to be great? What would you give up your everyday life for in order to experience? What is your bliss?

For me, my bliss is writing. There are many jobs that incorporate writing and I know that my journey ahead includes a lot of it. As well as writing, I can find flow in other things, usually creative pursuits such as playing piano and drawing.

I've realised lately that I don’t have a sense of entitlement that many people have. Perhaps it’s my upbringing or something within me that pushes me to prioritise the needs of others above my own. That’s something I need to work on and I’ll need to teach myself that I’m also entitled to things. Primarily, I’m entitled to have a job that is blissful. I’m entitled to love what I do and to gain a great deal of enjoyment from my everyday work. As long as it’s not to the detriment of anyone else, that’s not asking too much. That’s just making the most of living.

But why do so many people stay in jobs that are not fulfilling? Is it because they don’t know themselves enough to know what they want or need? Is it because they don’t feel entitled? Is it because they are afraid to lose something – usually a regular income? Is it because they feel afraid of being judged by others?

Changing careers late in life does take courage. It takes confidence and self-knowledge in order to go down a new path. You’ll need to defend your decision to the nay-sayers that inevitably will try to make you feel as if you’re making a mistake. Centre yourself, take a deep breath, and follow the path. Trust yourself enough to know that it’s only you who can define your path, or at least the path you want. And who knows what magical delights await.


I've come to realise that creativity is a great tool in discovering your talents and in getting to know yourself. None of us can escape being creative, in what we wear, how we do make-up and accessorise as well as the words we choose to express ourselves. We are all creative and the more we explore our creative side, the closer we get to knowing our true selves and what our talents are. This I believe to be a powerful tool in self-discovery. So dance, sing, paint or do whatever you feel expresses yourself fully.

“Follow your bliss and don’t be afraid, and doors will open where you didn’t know they were going to be.”  ~Joseph Campbell
  

Wednesday 15 April 2015

Consequences of Courage

Anyone who knows me well knows that I’m pretty even in temperament. I don’t like drama and I promote harmony wherever I go. I don’t lose my temper easily, with probably the exception of the past few months where my irritability has been obvious. This is a not-too-surprising symptom of Graves’ disease and of someone under extreme stress for a long time.

In your twenties and thirties, you don’t give a lot of thought to your childhood and things that went wrong in your past, unless of course, they were catastrophic. There have been two patches in my life when I've really thought extensively about my childhood. Firstly, on having children because you naturally consider what kind of a parent you’d like to be. You think about how you would like your children to experience their childhood. Turning forty was also a time of reflection in that I consider myself to be half way through, or thereabouts, of my life and I’m considering how the next half will look. My diagnosis has also been a catalyst at this time to consider my past and to design my future.

So, in thinking about my childhood and my past, sadly not a lot of good memories come to me. I was more neglected than anything I suppose and there was just not a lot of happiness. In my learning recently about growing as a person, I've done expressive writing to release the strong emotions, I've done visualisation exercises to let it go and I've written forgiveness letters to the people who have wronged me, which don't have to be sent by the way.

I can’t help but be affected by recalling the events that have caused me sadness in my past. I've protected my family on more than one occasion from a physically abusive bully. I've protected my business from an angry hammer-wielding family member who smashed up the office. I've been a victim of a car hi-jacking and being held up in my home. I've been subject to a lot of violence and volatile behaviour of the people around me. And in all circumstances, I was the level-headed one who stepped up, even at 17 years old, when the adults failed to do so.

I've always thought of myself as courageous and that those events helped mould me into who I am today. I've been proud of myself for standing in the face of danger to protect everyone. But I didn't consider at what cost to myself. Perhaps in my compulsion to restore order, I've taken the hit personally each time. Maybe all those events have something to do with my diagnosis.  It’s possible that the feeling of disappointment of those who should have been protecting me, has caused me a lot of stress too.

It’s certain that my health started deteriorating after one of those violent events, at a time when I was really already exhausted from sleep deprivation that comes with having a small baby. And that was about three years ago. The decline has been steady as I have failed to protect myself from those who harm me repeatedly. I kept thinking that family is the most important thing in life and you can never turn your back on them. I kept hoping for the love and support that is supposed to come from a parent. It took a diagnosis of a life-long condition for me to wake up and realise that I really needed to protect myself above all because no-one else was going to do it.

I’m doing my best to not blame those who have caused me harm, but it isn't easy. The path to happiness and personal growth does not include blame. It includes forgiveness, compassion and focussing on what you can do to be a better person.

When I look at my children, particularly when they’re asleep, I’m overwhelmed by the blessing of parenthood and of their innocence. The responsibility to raise them as happy independent people with solid values and humble confidence is substantial. But what a privilege at the same time. They are truly the source of great joy - why would anyone opt out or take that for granted? I know that I’m in charge of my life and I know that I'll love, accept and support them always, without burdening them with my bad decisions.

We have all experienced sad and painful events in our past. We all have some burdens we carry with us, despite our efforts to let go. The trick is not to let them rule you. The trick is to overcome and to succeed despite your past. 

Tuesday 14 April 2015

There’s a Reason

The night before last was a bad night. Both our children had ‘bad dreams’ and ended up in our bed. Four in the bed, plus the cat, is not a great recipe for a good night’s sleep I can tell you. The kicking, the snoring, the thrashing and at one point one of them was on top of my back. But it was a catalyst to let them know that enough is enough and we all sleep better in our own beds. So last night with no interruptions from little people, I should have had a great sleep, right? Wrong.

I went to bed a little later than I should have, and then tossed and turned for several hours. I’m usually able to sleep within seconds of my head hitting the pillow. I tried meditating, to calm the mind, hoping that I’d drift off to sleep. But that seemed to make it worse. I had thoughts swirling around my head almost aggressively resisting being tamed. I felt resentful and frustrated about wasting away months on end, simply recovering. And the more upset I got about not getting enough sleep, the more I was unable to sleep. Worries flooded my mind, wondering how long I’ll take to recover and what else I should be doing to speed things up.

When I woke up this morning, I didn't have a headache and after very little sleep, felt unusually refreshed. It was as if the storm had passed and the sunlight was breaking through the clouds. I woke up with the phrase in my head ‘There’s a reason’. How strange. Of course, my first instinct is to find a logical explanation. I wondered if perhaps the new medication I’m on is starting to work.


I’m not known for my patience and it is indeed frustrating, frittering away months in order to recover. I keep wishing I’d avoided this situation. I keep wondering what I could have done differently. But none of that is helpful. I am where I am, and as frustrating as it is, my job right now is to recover. Only once I’m well, can I begin new endeavours and flex my new-found self.

I've been doing a lot of reading about being true to yourself. I am examining what drives me and what I require in order to survive and to thrive. In solving life's problems, Deepak Chopra advises that it's not a passive process and that we must "participate in unblocking the flow of your own awareness". Easier said than done but I'm doing what I can towards a path of recovery and discovery. 

I've read that the very pursuit of large goals is indeed the source of happiness, not so much as reaching the goal itself. I have found in the past that as much as I've enjoyed the achievement of completing an ultra-marathon, there is far more enjoyment in the joint pursuit of the goal with friends.

But a goal such as Getting Well just seems so unnecessary, as if this scenario could have been entirely avoided. It could not, as things needed to run their course in order to initiate a change. My point, though, is that I’m not enjoying the journey. Yes, I love learning about methods of healing and I do enjoy discovering flow activities. I've been systematically working through some old workbooks on learning to play the piano and read music. I've been hacking away at chapter one of my book that, quite honestly, stinks.

These activities are hard, as running regularly is too, especially as it gets darker and darker in the mornings approaching race day. Am I approaching a watershed part of my healing and that’s why I’m struggling so much? I keep looking for meaning in what I’m going through and what I’m discovering. A special friend drew my attention to this poem a few months ago, which seems to capture my journey.
“I would like to beg you, dear sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.” ~ Rainer Maria Rilke, 1903, from Letters to a Young Poet
The phrase ‘there’s a reason’ made me think about how having faith gives you hope. I have strayed from my religious upbringing as it is my belief that religion is a sub-set of spirituality, with too many exclusionary man-made rules. Knowing the self is closely linked with spirituality and finding one’s purpose. I almost felt like I've had an epiphany this morning but didn't quite understand it. Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that along with the flow, comes the ebb. Recovery isn't measured on a linear scale. On the whole, however, I feel that the tide is coming in.


Sunday 12 April 2015

Passion Pushers

I read an article today about how parents are doing their children a disservice by pushing them to find their passions. Pushing your kids to succeed in a way that helps them get the most out of themselves can be really beneficial. Pushing them to a point where they are unhappy or in negative stress, is just bad parenting.


I’m a huge fan of Elizabeth Gilbert. She knew that writing is what she wanted to do from early on in life. She has also commented on how some of her friends are multi-talented and how that can make it difficult to find your passion. Each path is probably worth exploring, at least a little until you’re ready to make a choice. Ideally, that choice should not be based on how much money you can make, or pressure from anyone, but rather on how you find meaning. 

People discover their passions at varying stages of their lives. I have enjoyed many areas in my past and currently my career path is changing, half way through my career. It might not even end up being that different from my past, but I will be sure that it’s implemented on purpose.  When my parents where choosing a career the options went something like doctor, dentist, lawyer, teacher, secretary. Now, the mere options are inexhaustible and with technology shaping the world so dramatically, the future is open to so much more.

I remember being asked interview questions like “Where will you be in ten years’ time?” I always thought that it’s a ridiculous question because we simply cannot predict the opportunities that come our way. That seems like quite a reactive thought to have, but early on in my career I found it difficult to have a strong vision. Only once I really had exposure to the things I enjoyed and didn't enjoy, did I start to form an idea of where I’m going. Now I also realise that I may not have pursued the correct passion, although I've had success. The Best Possible Future Self I developed at age 25 would look really different from the one I've created recently. 

It can be a minefield to navigate, and a decision can only be made once you know yourself well. I believe it takes courage to change career paths since it challenges your identity and how people see you. But it's naive to expect to know everything at the start. 

This week I watched a documentary on the band Queen. Watching footage of how they found inspiration for some famous songs, was truly amazing. The reading I've done on finding your flow emphasises the need for concentration, and typically that needs to happen while you’re alone. How wonderful that a group of four people, each bringing their special talents to the mix, can participate in a flow experience regularly to create something so beautiful.


I suppose I have had discussions in my work environment with Software Developers where we debated and discussed the solutions, and together found a great result that we could not have accomplished alone. Being a Managing Director does not accommodate that kind of flow experience unfortunately. Perhaps the Peter Principle is not the issue but rather the principle where you are promoted out of your flow. Maybe that’s why management is so grumpy and demanding.

Finding your passion can be automatic or it can take decades. As a parent, my role is to nurture them and to facilitate their path, not to push in a direction that I see. I'd like to be an enabler to them and if they take 30 years to find their passion, it was faster than me.

Finding flow can be a challenging exercise, that can take a really long time. No-one can really push you there – you do have to find it yourself. At 40 years old I’m still exploring aspects of myself, discovering what I loved when I was younger, and formulating ideas on what my future could look like. Although I’m not known for my patience, I believe rushing things would be a big mistake. My priority now is to recover to full health and while doing so, experience more things that I enjoy. Hopefully along the way my future career passion will come to light.

Saturday 11 April 2015

Social Comparison

I've read a lot about social comparison lately – the tendency to compare ourselves with others. This morning I was listening to the song Goat Girl by Tanya Donelly. 

I find it quite cute the way she says she wanted a Lion but she ended up with a Man who wanted a Gazelle. We wish we were wealthier, more elegant and thinner and we look at other spouses, wondering if they are more like Tanya’s Lion. We all have our faults and failures and people tend to put on their best side when in public. I can guarantee you that Lion you've been ogling also farts in the bed and leaves his underpants on the floor.


How much time do you spend wishing for your life to be different? Wishing for your partner to change or for that bigger house, car, better job, fancy holiday, more sparkly jewelry. None of those things can hurt but they are not the source of happiness. What others have is great for them but having more of anything won't make you happy. Research shows that it only temporarily lifts happiness and that you will return to your happiness default. When happiness windfalls happen, we adapt to the good fortune and incorporate it as our happiness norm. This is called hedonic adaptation.  

I know someone who was brought up in a poor household, with many siblings. They are not skilled but married into a wealthy marriage, after breaking up a family. With no boundaries, they enjoyed fulfilling every whim - holidays overseas, new cars annually, fancy food, country clubs and any material asset one would desire. And yet they are the unhappiest person I have ever known. 

One of the key ingredients of a happy life is gratitude. And in being content within yourself. Stop wishing for something else and start loving what's there. If you're wishing to be different, make some goals and take steps towards the better you. Many people want others to change but that's truly unrealistic. It's better to focus on improving yourself and you may, or may not, see a change in their behaviour. 

The path to happiness most certainly does not include social comparison. Indeed it is the opposite. Rather, switch your thoughts to gratitude and savouring, two proven strategies in enhancing our happiness. As the Goat Girl says, “I do my brutish best” and my husband loves me anyway. 

Friday 10 April 2015

Keeping the Boredom at Bay

I've been wondering lately why I seem to avoid meditation and my daily nap, despite the fact that they are on my self-care roster as daily activities. There are days when I skip one of both of them. The plain truth is that it’s boring. There’s an opportunity cost in that I’m not learning, growing, advancing towards something. I suppose one could argue that the nap and the meditation speed up my recovery but it just feels boring to think of nothing and to sleep. At the end of each day I like to feel as if I’m closer to a goal or improving myself. But I suppose the reality is that I need a lot of days with nothing but rest in order to restore myself to full health.


And as usual for me, when there’s a problem, I need to find a solution. I’m doing well on my roster in that I’m ticking off the occasional responsibility item such as children dentist trips. But it does get monotonous. And I have read that any happiness-inducing strategy needs to change occasionally if you want to retain its effectiveness. It’s easy to get bored of scheduled acts of kindness and gratitude journaling. So today’s task is to plan for the next month as well as to get started on my book.

As I've mentioned in my post about goals, it’s important to set deadlines and to create sub-goals. I've created a rough outline of chapters for my book and have given myself a month on each chapter and a month to edit. So chapter one is due in a few weeks and it will be something new for me to tackle. As mentioned, one of my focus areas is to find flow activities and writing is certainly one of them. Any flow activity, by definition, needs to include a challenge that is slightly greater than skill, in order to keep your attention and to challenge you. It will be a difficult exercise to structure my ideas into a set of chapters that work well together.

I also realised that I’d like to inject some fun or creativity into my life. I've heard of an online course where you can learn to draw. I've signed up for a women’s retreat in May that should be an opportunity to be creative, meet other people and of course, to escape my children. And I think it’s really positive to be taking a step that puts my well-being first. As I mentioned in my last post, I need to speak up about the things I want to do and not to just let everyone else decide my activities for me.

The organiser is Taryn Harris, who also suffered from a stress-related condition and changed her life as a result. She is really inspiring to me and I’m so looking forward to meeting her and understanding the insights she can share.

A batch of books arrived today which always cheers me up. For a change, they are not related to happiness or self-help but are around rediscovering your creativity. This is just the catalyst I needed to shake things up and find a little optimism in the drudgery of rest. And yes, I will most certainly do my meditation and my nap today.

Wednesday 8 April 2015

It takes Courage to be Yourself

I've been thinking about how we become so conditioned by other people’s expectations of who we are and who we ought to be.

I attended university in Cape Town and I had to wait a year because my father didn't want me to leave home. I wonder what the cost of that year of earnings equates to, compounded over my career? Anyway, in my wisdom, it was a worth the wait and I found a good career path, nice and respectable. I’m learning now that I have other talents that could be used to make a more fulfilling career path for me in future.

Friends ridiculed me for my hip-swinging dancing style from the city. I had to adjust to the more alternative, grungy dance moves in order to fit it. Although I do like a lot of the music, it wasn't really me and I've never seen a convincing blonde Goth.


I've been wondering lately, with being a people-pleaser, how much of the real me has been lost along the way in order to fit in or gain approval. How often I bite my tongue for the sake of harmony and good manners. How often do I fail to speak up for my own needs and simply go along with what’s best for everyone else. When you do that, you never really end up doing what you want to do. And over time that can create a great deal of resentment, which is entirely your own fault. You can’t expect the world around you to read your mind and to know what you want. I’m guilty of this and I'm learning to speak my truth.

There are a lot of extroverts in my extended family. They have very strong opinions and they all shout each other down. Among them, I find myself just listening and making my own internal judgements. I’m afraid of retribution if I disagree and I’m afraid to be contradictory, which goes against my need for harmony. But this has stood in my way because they don’t really know me. If you had to ask them about what drives me and the things that I love doing, they would all struggle. But that’s not really their fault. Sure, it’s important to listen to those around you and to give people a chance to contribute to the conversation. But I should have fought for my own right to speak.

Speaking up for your beliefs, especially in the face of conflicting views, takes courage and strength. You must be prepared for people to judge you, to disagree with you and even to shun you. Some family members have been ex-communicated so the possibility does exist. But I've learned through my struggles lately, that it does you more harm to keep your truth inside.

I have failed to speak up when people hurt me in the past. I've failed to fight for my right to speak; to be treated fairly and to be loved and accepted for who I am. I think it’s a common problem for introverts and for people who like to keep the peace. But where are all those bottled up emotions and ideas going? Keeping it all inside is really not good for you. I’m exploring ways to express myself better, this blog being one of them.

I’m also conscious of not laying down expectations onto my kids. “Art is for hippies” or “you can’t make a living out of that”, will not be phrases that come from me as a parent. I want my children to follow their passions and the money will come. Loving what you do is far too important.

No-one becomes famous or achieves greatness from trying to fit in. It’s in celebrating your own uniqueness, that your true genius emerges. It’s imperative that we all learn to be comfortable with who we are and to speak our truth, no matter the consequences.

Tuesday 7 April 2015

Procrastination

We all know that procrastination is an unhealthy habit. We put off something that we don’t want to do, usually because we find it uncomfortable or unpleasant. I have some personal bugbears which include unnecessary amounts of rigid rules and process. Banking falls into this category. I personally feel that the banking industry is in for a shake-up with new technologies and market participants being more efficient and responsive to the customer. Compliance with regulation is another one that burns holes in my soul.

I have a few things outstanding in the above categories that I need to address. But I’m waiting until my health improves and I feel a little stronger in order to tackle them. I'll be mindful of whether I'm really not up to it or actually procrastinating when the time comes. 


A lovely book I read, Eat That Frog, provides some really great tips on how to tackle procrastination. Some of the tips include eat the ugliest frog first, don’t stare at it for long, resist the temptation to do small things (remember the 80/20 rule), prioritise, delegate what you can, prepare fully and launch right in. Focussing on the top three problems in each category of your life can help you focus, and ensure you address the most significant things first. There's no point fixing trivial problems when there are major ones dragging you down. 

Even before doing Gretchen Rubin’s quizI knew that I was an Obliger - a people-pleaser. I prioritise the needs of others over my own as such, us Obligers are prone to burnout! Indeed, I find my health in a really poor state from trying to meet the needs of other people. 

In order for me to meet my own needs, one of the best strategies is to publish my goals. It’s this external accountability that drives me because it will be embarrassing if I fail. I’m focussing on setting goals that are about me now and I’m making them known so that I can be sure to meet them. My top two goals for this year:
  • Get well (this is the biggest problem in my life currently – falls into the health/vitality category)
  • Write a book – ready for publication end December 2015 (this goal is aligned with finding flow experiences since I've spent years working outside my flow)

What I have noticed is that I don’t procrastinate on areas of where I find flow. I actually get a little irritable if I can’t write in my day. For me, that is a good sign, in that I know that those are the things that must be part of my future career.

When tackling something I have been procrastinating on, I try to remind myself that I feel so good when it's complete. I often wonder why I put it off for so long when it wasn't really that hard. A really important aspect is setting deadlines. If there is no date assigned to something, I tend to drift. 

Another strategy is to promise yourself that you only have to spend two minutes on the ugliest frog. Getting started is usually the hardest part, so one usually finds that two minutes extends into an hour or more. With my running training I found the hardest step is the one out of bed. Once you’re up, it’s easy to keep going. And it feels great once it’s done. 

It's important to know what drives you. I know that I can be motivated by fear. The fear of running 56 km of difficult hills motivates me to get going in the morning. Fear of being embarrassed by not meeting published goals is something else that drives me. Knowing yourself well helps in figuring out how to overcome procrastination and achieve the things that are important to you. 


Saturday 4 April 2015

Acceptance show Progress

Today my favourite ultra-marathon is being run and I should be running my 7th one.  In the past ten years of running, I've only missed three for child-rearing reasons. This year, for health reasons, I’m unable to even run one kilometre, never mind a tough 56km!

We've all been exposed to those stages of grief and loss where we move from denial to anger, bargaining and finally into acceptance. I have not lost anyone but I have lost something quite vital: my health and the ability to run ultra-marathons, potentially forever.


I’m not a particularly fast runner but I can persevere and run far. It takes a great deal of commitment to do the training and towards the end it really gets gruelling. I know that I'm capable of running better times but I've been doing what I can, given how depleted I've been over the past few years. I've always thought that when my kids are bigger and when the business is more stable, I can apply myself to running, and reach more goals around speed. And now that feels like an impossibility, knowing that putting my body under strain will cause my health to regress. It is indeed a loss for me.

Runners tend to seek out doctors who will tell them they can run but just to take precautions. I remember really doubting my doctor when he told me no exercise at all. And now I realise how harmful it was, and could have been, as my symptoms included irregular heartbeat. Many runners have passed away on races from heart attacks, and it’s due to an underlying condition, just like I have. In January, I was still resisting and quite clearly, in denial.

But by the time it has come to the day of my favourite race, I’m not in denial and I’m not angry. I’m quite ok with being home for the Easter weekend with my kids. I’m monitoring my favourite people with the app and enjoying the race on TV. Sure, it would be great to be part of it and I do miss the vibe and the sense of achievement that comes with doing something so hard.

I've found myself saying lately that my health collapse has been a blessing. It sounds cheesy but it has been a catalyst for change. And I needed something major to happen, in order to rearrange my life. My work is changing, my family dynamic is changing and my contracts with parents and friends might have to change too. Some contracts are cancelled and some will have altered or new terms in future. People resist change but I’m going to have to fight for myself so that my health does not slip backwards.

Your relationships are tested when you’re in crisis. The people I expected most to support me, have not. And some who I see as acquaintances have come through for me, offering to look after my kids when I need a break. I don’t even get that support from my parents. These insights are a gift, allowing me to identify the really special people around me.

I’m still not running and not really even exercising. I miss it tremendously, especially my close running friends with whom I've shared many hours of fun, laughter, struggle and growth. But if I can arrange my life well and be conscious of what drains me, I can make arrangements to meet some goals in future. I’m also now well-equipped to know who I can lean on. 

For the past few months, I've found the recovery quite boring and frustrating. But today I have noticed that there’s progress in the fact that I've accepted my new life. 

Friday 3 April 2015

Do What You Love

What do you want to do every day for the rest of your life? Is it your current job, or what you spend a large amount of your time on? If not, it’s time to make a change, no excuses! 

That’s easy to say, but speaking from personal experience, I am frustrated that I didn't make a change earlier. Sure, I don’t really know what I’m going to do next but I have formulated some ideas so far. My main approach is to include flow experiences in my day as much as possible. I’m going to make sure that my next job contains one or more of them. Yes, I know that I won’t be teaching piano or sketching but those things are fun to explore and I enjoy the creative outlet.

It is hard to make a change. There may be some of you thinking that I was spoilt to inherit a business that I didn't have to create. But living someone else's dream is not fulfilling. I built the business more (on purpose) than the previous management ever did. I've sacrificed millions in earnings over the past years than if I'd stayed in a corporate job. But it's not money that I'm after, it's really living and relishing my work


Being a business owner sounds like such freedom but it’s actually very hard to exit a business when you’re the owner.  It sounds fun in that you can make all the decisions. But you often don’t have anyone to lean on or to bounce ideas off. It’s also really hard to restructure or sell when you realise that it just won’t work, no matter how hard you try.

Personally I always like to put in measures to prevent mistakes from happening again. 
That’s one of my strengths. I've been thinking a lot about how I could have prevented myself from getting a life-long health condition. Why didn't I spot the signs? The short answer is that I could not have done anything. The long answer includes the fact that I would always have doubted my decision to restructure and change direction if I had not taken myself so far. I had to push myself over the edge into being incapacitated, in order to be convinced that I've given it my all. No-one can tell me that I didn't try hard enough. No-one can call me a quitter. I will never say that the business took from me because I gave it willingly, and also, of course, a business is inanimate! The point is, I gave it my best shot and it didn't work. Now, I need take the lessons and make sure my future is structured differently.   

I really enjoyed the TED talk by Gary Vaynerchuk in that he’s just so comfortable in himself. He doesn't look like he’s doubting whether he’s doing the right thing. That confidence is enviable. And he has such a good point – don’t ever spend valuable years of your life doing something you don’t enjoy!

The variety of careers and jobs is more varied today than ever before. Options are what give us freedom, the freedom to pick the work we love. I don’t want to go back to being the stressed, grumpy, unhappy person I was last year. Even after a hard day, I want to be able to giggle with my kids and have the knowledge that in my heart I know I’m following my passion. I owe that to my family, my friends, to God, and mostly to myself.

Passengers on the journey

Passengers on the journey