There’s a Reason

The night before last was a bad night. Both our children had ‘bad dreams’ and ended up in our bed. Four in the bed, plus the cat, is not a great recipe for a good night’s sleep I can tell you. The kicking, the snoring, the thrashing and at one point one of them was on top of my back. But it was a catalyst to let them know that enough is enough and we all sleep better in our own beds. So last night with no interruptions from little people, I should have had a great sleep, right? Wrong.

I went to bed a little later than I should have, and then tossed and turned for several hours. I’m usually able to sleep within seconds of my head hitting the pillow. I tried meditating, to calm the mind, hoping that I’d drift off to sleep. But that seemed to make it worse. I had thoughts swirling around my head almost aggressively resisting being tamed. I felt resentful and frustrated about wasting away months on end, simply recovering. And the more upset I got about not getting enough sleep, the more I was unable to sleep. Worries flooded my mind, wondering how long I’ll take to recover and what else I should be doing to speed things up.

When I woke up this morning, I didn't have a headache and after very little sleep, felt unusually refreshed. It was as if the storm had passed and the sunlight was breaking through the clouds. I woke up with the phrase in my head ‘There’s a reason’. How strange. Of course, my first instinct is to find a logical explanation. I wondered if perhaps the new medication I’m on is starting to work.

I’m not known for my patience and it is indeed frustrating, frittering away months in order to recover. I keep wishing I’d avoided this situation. I keep wondering what I could have done differently. But none of that is helpful. I am where I am, and as frustrating as it is, my job right now is to recover. Only once I’m well, can I begin new endeavours and flex my new-found self.

I've been doing a lot of reading about being true to yourself. I am examining what drives me and what I require in order to survive and to thrive. In solving life's problems, Deepak Chopra advises that it's not a passive process and that we must "participate in unblocking the flow of your own awareness". Easier said than done but I'm doing what I can towards a path of recovery and discovery. 

I've read that the very pursuit of large goals is indeed the source of happiness, not so much as reaching the goal itself. I have found in the past that as much as I've enjoyed the achievement of completing an ultra-marathon, there is far more enjoyment in the joint pursuit of the goal with friends.

But a goal such as Getting Well just seems so unnecessary, as if this scenario could have been entirely avoided. It could not, as things needed to run their course in order to initiate a change. My point, though, is that I’m not enjoying the journey. Yes, I love learning about methods of healing and I do enjoy discovering flow activities. I've been systematically working through some old workbooks on learning to play the piano and read music. I've been hacking away at chapter one of my book that, quite honestly, stinks.

These activities are hard, as running regularly is too, especially as it gets darker and darker in the mornings approaching race day. Am I approaching a watershed part of my healing and that’s why I’m struggling so much? I keep looking for meaning in what I’m going through and what I’m discovering. A special friend drew my attention to this poem a few months ago, which seems to capture my journey.

“I would like to beg you, dear sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.” ~ Rainer Maria Rilke, 1903, from Letters to a Young Poet

The phrase ‘there’s a reason’ made me think about how having faith gives you hope. I have strayed from my religious upbringing as it is my belief that religion is a sub-set of spirituality, with too many exclusionary man-made rules. Knowing the self is closely linked with spirituality and finding one’s purpose. I almost felt like I've had an epiphany this morning but didn't quite understand it. Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that along with the flow, comes the ebb. Recovery isn't measured on a linear scale. On the whole, however, I feel that the tide is coming in.