Tuesday 31 March 2015

Dealing with Set-Backs

Even though we expend effort on being happier, it’s expected that we will encounter set-backs. Some may be major such as a death of a loved one and some may be fairly minor. Since we are only human, we can expect our emotions to dip at these times.

Yesterday I had a bad day. Quite a few things went wrong and I had to do the final piece of work that I hate in order to hand over everything while on medical leave. All of them dragged me down. What was interesting, however, is that by the end of the day I didn't feel terrible. Even though I had an altercation with my six-year-old, there was no shouting or taking it out on her. If I had a day like that a few months back, I would have been unable to shake my irritation and that would have negatively impacted the people around me.

During the day, just after something bad happened, I found myself mulling it over again and again. I actually found myself saying ‘Stop!’ in order to halt the rumination. I thought it a good idea to watch something very funny on TV and I laughed heartily. I also remember thinking that this will not matter next week so I should just let it go.

And the interesting part is that I only realised I was taking steps to mitigate the unhappiness at the end of the day, not really while it was happening. It seems that I've been programming myself to be happier and it was quite natural for me to take measures to not let things get me down.

We must be clear that any happiness-enhancing strategies need to be practised regularly, just like exercise. You can’t expect to remain fit six months after quitting exercise and the same applies with happiness. It takes commitment and practice and if you’re like me, you might need to set yourself reminders or a roster.

People cautioned me with my self-care roster that I developed, telling me I’m putting too much strain on myself with expectations etc. It can also become overly routine so the roster needs to vary things and introduce different strategies at different times. I think I know my limitations at the moment. I know that I can only accommodate five outings a week. I am building that in and will ramp things up as I have more energy. I only plan four weeks in advance in order to learn and refine and to adjust as my health improves.


I’m conscious of the fact that my self-care roster is easy to maintain now that I’m at home, recovering. It will be a much bigger challenge once I’m back at work and I’ll have to make appropriate adjustments. When training for big races, I set up a training plan with scheduled rest days and cross training. I monitor actuals against planned training and check it every day. I know that I’m disciplined and it fits my style. In the same way, I think I can keep up a happiness regimen as I have no doubt that I’m a happier (and healthier) person than a few months ago.


Monday 30 March 2015

What is Your Contribution to this World?

Many have identified that contribution greatly improves the quality of our own lives. Robin Sharma, in The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari’ says ‘The quality of your life ultimately comes down to the quality of your contribution’. Tony Robbins identifies the fact that contribution-related goals, are the ‘most inspiring, compelling goals of all’.


This blog is about finding my life passion. In looking at all aspects of my life, most areas already bring me a great deal of joy. The area that has always been a source of stress is my work life. I'm wondering if I followed the right path to begin with, since success doesn't necessarily equal happiness. I know that my focus needs to be on aligning my work with my passions, and this blog is documenting the journey to a future where I'm fully recovered and living my career passion. 

“Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.” - Confucius

For some, work is not the path to happiness. There are those who don’t have formal employment or a career to speak of. But that does not mean you can’t have a life passion. At some point in our lives, we begin to wonder what it’s all about. Why are we on this Earth and what is our purpose? Some may have a calling that has always been obvious. Some have been really smart and aligned their work with their passion. Some people are committed to raising their children to be responsible, independent adults with strong values. Some focus their efforts on their church and in improving their community. I believe the important thing is that we know what our purpose is, and that we are living it. Without that, it’s hard to have a truly fulfilling life.

I don’t want to wish for retirement. Not wishing time away is a fairly large challenge for me at the moment since my new life can’t begin until I’m well, and of course, until I've figured out what my new life looks like. But I do know that I want to savour each day and want to enjoy the journey towards my end. And I want to make a difference, leaving something of value behind. 

If we're focussed on becoming wealthy but are not contributing in some way, or doing something meaningful, that can be quite empty. I left the corporate world because I felt that there was no meaning in the work I was doing each day. I wanted to be in a place where I could effect positive change in people's lives.

One of the strategies to help us identify our passion is to think about our legacy. What will you be remembered for? I’m not so good at charity so my contribution will be different. Being a good parent is a large part of what I’d like to leave behind. And another part includes being an advocate for living your passion. The quality of our lives can be so much improved if we are enjoying what we spend the majority of our time doing. Typically a by-product of enjoying what we do is making a difference to someone in some way. And that’s good enough for me.

Sunday 29 March 2015

Nutritional Focus

To remind any readers who are not regulars, I have Graves’ disease which is an auto-immune attack on the thyroid, induced by stress. So I’m changing my life to make sure it’s aligned with a happy healthy future.


I’m quite focused and when I apply myself to something, I really do a thorough job of it. Granted, I'm focusing my energy to avoid going mental from cabin fever as I have limited my outings to five per week. I believe that it’s insufficient to merely take the drugs and carry on, expecting to be fully well. So I am doing the following in addition to the medical treatment:
  • Homeopathic medication that is supportive of the standard medication
  • Alternative healing methods such as reflexology, Reiki, Applied kinesiology, Emotional Freedom Technique (tapping), meditation and mindfulness so far.
  • Understanding my strengths by doing various assessments and reconnecting with things I’ve enjoyed in the past. Methods have been STS Brain Profiling, Gallup’s Strengths Finder, various exercises in forgiving others, recovering from past traumas, following creative pursuits.
  • Reading and research on subjects such as introversion, happiness and restoring health. I’m investigating what my future career path looks like in order to avoid the same stresses that caused my health condition.
  • Implementing my own self-care roster to ensure I track my progress, get adequate rest and look after my health in an organised way.

I’m open to trying a variety of things in order to find something that may work. Some of the things I've tried have been less powerful than others, but I maintain that exploring is part of the journey. If I’m incapacitated and unable to work, I might as well find things that can help me be fully well as quickly as possible. I have not been able to implement much exercise such as yoga and Nia, but I will do so once I have adequate energy.

The aspect that I have not yet tackled is nutrition. I was feeling so bad towards the end of last year that I was ordering things like pancakes for breakfast because I thought that I might as well enjoy my way out of the world. That was not so wise in retrospect since weight loss was probably the one symptom I didn't experience.

Many people have asked me whether I should be on any particular diet for Graves’ disease. There is no defined diet that I could find but there are foods that are to be avoided and those that support recovery from both Graves’ disease and a weak immune system (stress-related). 

The foods themselves are probably not of much interest to you but the process is something that may be of interest, if you have any major medical condition. No Earth-shattering revelations but my approach is usually research, document and implement. I searched the Internet for any articles I could find that made recommendations in terms of foods to avoid and foods to include in my diet. I’m a big fan of Healing Foods by Margaret Roberts so I made sure I included her recommendations as well. I listed all the foods in an Excel spreadsheet and categorised them into Good or Bad and the types of foods e.g. protein, vegetables, fruit, grains, dairy etc.

It is interesting to note that there were some contradictions such as eggs and chicken, so I’ll just keep an eye on them as I go. I have sorted the list into the various categories and I’m going to ensure any meals I order at restaurants are focused towards the healthy foods for me. I’ll also ensure that the foods are on the shopping list. Some of the items are quite new to me and I have never cooked with them or eaten them before. But I am on a learning path so I’m open to trying new things. I do need to balance the needs of my family as well in that the kids are quite fussy and I married a veggie hater!

I have considered visiting a dietitian or nutritionist but I’m pretty sure I’ll get advice that goes something like “fresh fruit and vegetables, no caffeine or alcohol, no sugar, no dairy, no wheat”. So I’ll just wing it myself for now and as long as I’m eating well and avoiding the danger foods, I should be helping my recovery by my intake.

Friday 27 March 2015

Perseverance is Not Always the Answer

I enjoy reading entrepreneurial books and articles. I have a fascination with people’s passions and what makes them do what they do. I’m also a fan of research and while running a business I wanted to know more and to ensure I was doing the right things. I remember reading some quote about how success is just on the other side of feeling like giving up. Reading that advice was really detrimental for me, in fact. You see, I’m not a quitter. I persevered so much that my health collapsed. To be fair, I didn't heed the advice in the same articles of weeding out toxic elements and doing what you love.

Just searching for quotes on perseverance, you will find hundreds of examples encouraging people not to give up. My husband and I have similar values and we are both ultra-marathon runners which, by its very nature, requires perseverance. We promote this value a lot in our household and we encourage our kids to keep trying. Perseverance is a major force in my life.

In 2008 my husband and I took a trip to Japan. We ran the Tokyo marathon together and it was an amazing experience, really different from what we are used to. We are from a culture where people bail a race if you’re not fit enough or injured. Sure, you have to face the consequences if you do, in that the other runners will not let you forget it. But most people exercise common sense when it comes to their well-being. And of course there are those who just don’t have what it takes to get through the mental struggle of an ultra-marathon. I say mental because it’s not your body that fails you towards the end of a hard race.


We found it really funny to read the race guidelines for the Tokyo marathon. Several times, it was emphasised that it takes courage to quit. The cultural difference was so striking to us. And it is true, that there are people who would rather kill themselves than fail or be seen as a failure.

I inherited an ailing business that was really too far gone. I struggled through it for almost five years, while running ultra-marathons and parenting two small children. There were a number of conditions which set me up for failure but my ingrained refusal to quit pushed me so far that my own body turned on me. Of course, internalising everything did not help but you can't change your nature. I should have changed the conditions and opted out earlier. 

One of my parenting challenges is to observe when my children are in flow and to encourage more of it. And another is to make sure they don’t overdo the perseverance. If they already have inborn and value-enforced determination, pushing them to never give up is not always the answer.

Thursday 26 March 2015

Focus on Strengths, Partner for Weaknesses

I was recently reminded of an exercise I did in around 2009 when I was struggling to adjust to having a child and a career. It’s called Gallup’s Strengths Finder. I bought the book, did the online test and digested the findings eagerly. According to the test, your main strengths don’t really change over time. So revisiting them now was quite meaningful. These were my top five:
  • Harmony – finding consensus, creating a peaceful environment, the mediator
  • Input – collecting information, sharing insights, learning
  • Focus – prioritising, then acting
  • Discipline – creating structure out of chaos, being efficient
  • Intellection – intellectual processing, introspection, analysis

How often to do we focus on our weaknesses and try to compensate or improve them? What I like about the Gallup approach is the focus on your strengths. Isn't it just spectacular that we are all built so differently?


Some of the advice on the action plan for my strengths is about making time to think and write. How interesting as that is something I've neglected for years. I had a chuckle about the advice to be patient with those who are not as efficient. I’m a whirlwind in my kitchen. I calculate what takes the longest, get it going and whiz around getting a bunch of things done simultaneously. So it’s not surprising that it boggles my mind when my husband takes twenty minutes to make tea!

I wasn't surprised about the discipline and focus although it is a seeming contradiction for a right-brained person. But I know that I’m a goal-driven person and I’m good at keeping meetings on track and making sure there are action-items instead of just rambling. I love to research and gather information and I’m using my blog to share insights in line with this strength. Having a medical sabbatical from work I’m able to rest and to spend a lot of time processing the reasons for my health collapse. I am focussing on not over-thinking as I’m prone to do so, especially with time on my hands.

In terms of Harmony, I’ve always been the one in my family to mediate between the feuding parties. The saddest thing for me is that I’ve had to cut people out of my life for my own survival. For me to do that is drastic, considering that harmony is my top strength. Rayya Elias talks about always making sure your side of the street is clean. There comes a time when you realise that there’s nothing you can do about the other side of the street.

I’m a strong believer that we should not focus on our weaknesses and try to make them better. Rather, we should accept them for what they are and find other people to support us who are strong in these areas. For example, I would need a business partner who doesn't mind admin and who can jump through the many hoops of bureaucracy that banks put in place in the process of ‘helping you’. I also know that there are certain types of people who I can’t lead and I simply won’t accept any future positions where I’m expected to do so.

A life without a fulfilling job is torture for me. I’m considering how to use my strengths in finding future roles that are suitable for me. I've said it before, but knowing yourself helps you make good choices about your future. And good choices lead to a happy life. 

Wednesday 25 March 2015

Laughter as Medicine

It is well-documented that laughter is good for you. In fact there seems to be quite a movement to stimulate laughter as a mechanism to reduce stress. I met someone once who conducts team workshops to laugh together for this very purpose. In my research on methods of healing, I've also come across Laughter Yoga, some sessions of which end with ‘laughter meditation’. I understand the benefits of laughter, but I also know that this is just not for me. Just as some people simply are not interested in meditation or a gratitude journal, forced group laughter is just something I can’t bring myself to do.

I am fortunate, however, to have two young children at home who bring sincere laughter to every day of my life. Sometimes they just have no idea why I’m laughing and other times we laugh together. I find that tickling them releases the most intense and cute laughter of all, and I end up laughing along. Once my oldest daughter, at around three years old asked me “What’s this terrible fish?” and I answered dryly, “chicken”. The thought of her assessment of my cooking, and what I’d have to do to the fish to gain that consistency, sent me into hysterics that she struggled to understand.

Another incident that still makes me chuckle, about 20 years later, is from university. I had a very special friend Mark who is also Catholic and pretty close to perfect. He was a star academic achiever, tidy, fun, responsible and really popular. We went to mass at the local church and on one occasion, he dropped the communion and it rolled like a coin on its rim across the alter while time seemingly stood still. He ran after it crouching over, grabbed it and put it into his mouth. He was, of course, mortified by the fact that he had dropped the Body of Christ on the floor! He showed the priest it was in his mouth by pointing dramatically and repeatedly before swallowing. Because church is such a serious place, it made it even more conducive to hysterical laughter under the circumstances. I think I laughed more on that day than in the rest of my 20s put together.

Towards the end of last year my health was at its worst. I struggled to find the joy in anything and I was really struggling to cope. In the Christmas holidays, with my kids being home, I was under quite a lot of strain. I had not yet started any medication to alleviate my symptoms. In order to escape the mayhem of the house, I went into my study and I watched dozens of short clips on YouTube. I really enjoy British humour and I am a big fan of David Mitchell. The clips of That Mitchell and Webb Look are so funny that they really did lift my spirit at a time when I was feeling physically terrible and very down as a result.


There are many people struggling with depression, ranging from minor to serious and for a variety of reasons. I would encourage you to find things to laugh about, even if you have to Google them. You are the best investment you can make in your life. Remember that if you’re happy, those around you benefit too.

Tuesday 24 March 2015

Challenge vs Skill

In Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi's book Flow, he describes the how the optimum flow experience can be gained if we can balance our skill level with the challenge of the activity. If we are doing something that is well below our skills and the challenge is low, we are bored. If the challenge is too great in that we don’t have the adequate skills, we can experience anxiety. There exists a sweet spot where our skills and the challenge mostly matched, with the challenge being slightly greater. This is when we are in flow.

Skills vs Challenge

There are many opportunities for us to be in flow, be it in our work or leisure. My focus currently is to ensure that I create a future career around my flow experiences. For too long my work centred around tasks that drained my energy and frustrated me. In the next few months while I recover from my stress-induced condition, I’m trying to find flow experiences that are not too taxing. I've been told that the brain relaxes while doing creative activities so I've been drawing and trying to find ways to express myself creatively.

I bought a second-hand piano a while back, and while I played as a child, I’m quite rusty. My energy levels are too low to commit to a regular lesson right now, but I've been downloading some sheet music. I know that my skill level is very low at the moment, but I know that I can work at it to become more skilled. As my skills grow, I can increase the challenge by trying more difficult pieces. Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi says in his book ‘In this growth of the self lies the key to flow activities’.

It is enthralling to know that within me lies the opportunity to play beautiful music. It’s something I’d love to share with my children. At the same time it is a little daunting but I think that is the fun of it. Nothing that is worth anything comes easily.

In the long term my work needs to centre around flow activities. I know myself well enough to know that I get bored not achieving things. That can be an impediment to my recovery so I'm occupying myself with things that can help me recover. I'm finding flow activities that may or may not be part of my long term career or leisure. 

What talents from childhood or your past have you forgotten about? What have you always wanted to try? It’s important to note that passive activities like watching TV are distinctly not being in flow. How much more can we get out of our lives if we focus on flow activities that indeed make us more skilled and happier people?


Sunday 22 March 2015

How Do You Make People Feel?

I recently read I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, the first of many books in Maya Angelou’s autobiography. What an amazing woman, with immense talent! One of her famous quotes is “I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”


Looking back on the things I’ve said I know that I can be perceived as a know-it-all. I love to research and I battle worry with knowledge. Around having my first child, I read everything I could get my hands on about routines and how to care for them. I didn't have any experience caring for kids but I always have the policy that I’m open to learning from other people’s mistakes. And of course, I like to share that knowledge in the hope that I can help others. 

My first child slept through after eight weeks and I know that many mothers out there want to scream when they read that. I thought I had it all in the bag. Along came the next one and as much as I tried all the same strategies, she did not sleep at eight weeks but closer to two years! That was a humbling lesson for me.

I’m sure I made people feel that they were not doing the right thing or that I somehow knew something magical. I don’t have all the answers. I now believe that each individual justifies special treatment and to be appreciated in their own way. What works for one family doesn't work for another and what works for one child doesn't necessarily work for another child. I’m a bit wiser now and less of a know-it-all, as contradictory as that might seem.

As an introvert, I often feel as though I’m not heard. If I’m interrupted, I’ll just stop, on the assumption that my views are not valued. We went to a social function recently where we were seated with people we had met but who are not close friends. They chattered amongst themselves about people we didn't know and when I engaged one particular lady, she flat out ignored me. That left me feeling invalidated at a time when I’m pretty fragile as it is. It doesn't take much effort or time to merely acknowledge someone and respond to them. But the difference in the way you make them feel can be enormous.

Pondering your purpose makes you think about your legacy. How do I want to be remembered when I’m gone? I’m paying attention to the way I make people feel, primarily for them to be heard and acknowledged. I’m so glad everyone in the world is not like me. Our uniqueness is one of life’s true wonders. We each carry experience, skills, views and such a variety of talents. How interesting it is to learn from others and how important that they are left feeling valued for how special they are.


Saturday 21 March 2015

Baby Steps

A year or two ago I made a blanket for my friend. It took a really long time because I couldn't dedicate hours a day to it. It was made up of 144 squares in a pattern that was not originally planned. I chipped away at it, stitch by stitch and square by square, refining the design regularly. Eventually the blanket was finished and the gratitude I received was so worth the effort.

It’s amazing how I managed to create something with small amounts of effort on a regular basis, even when I didn't know how the blanket would turn out when I started. Right now my health is not so great and I have been very frustrated and concerned that I’ll never be well. I just need to shift my thinking to how I approached the blanket. I don’t know what my future looks like but I've got to tackle it hour by hour. And as long as I just keep chipping away, I’ll get to my goal in the end, even if it needs refining along the way.

Those of us with high standards tend to berate ourselves for not getting there fast enough. We think about all the things to be achieved and we get frustrated at the pace at which we are moving. Something that is really important for people like us to remember, is how far we've come and to celebrate the achievements.

I joined the family business in July 2010 and although I was immensely frustrated in the past few years that my vision was not achieved, I did take the company really far. I grew the revenue over 400% and clients 250% in four and a half years. And that’s in a difficult economic climate in a business I wasn't passionate about. This was a business with no website that I took to one having a strong brand in its industry. Yes, it was too far behind to catch up but that doesn't mean I didn't make a success of what I had. And I ought to celebrate that. I brought my special talents and flavour to the organisation and although I didn't achieve what I wanted to achieve, I did move the business forward.


Celebrating successes, small or large, doesn't have to be arrogant or self-serving. It helps us remember how far we've come and gives us hope for the future. If I think about the me of 2010, I have learned a great deal and am much more knowledgeable about running a business. I plan to keep learning until the day I die. I’m going to count the blessings of the opportunities I've had to learn (irrespective of how my health has been affected) and celebrate successes. I need to chip away daily at getting well, at learning what works for me and how to restore myself to full health again.




Friday 20 March 2015

The Danger of Overthinking

Despite being right brained, I've always been analytical. My trade when I was younger even has ‘analyst’ in the title. While analytical thinking can be an important asset in the workplace and is often highly valued by employers, it has its dangers.


Being an introvert as well as being analytical lends me towards overthinking. I want to solve the puzzle, understand why it happened and put in measures to avoid it happening again. With my current state of health being really poor, I may have slipped into overthinking. I’m spending a large amount of time wondering why this happened to me and hasn't happened to other people. I’m wondering why mothers of four kids who work seem to be still standing. And yet I’m relegated to my bed for large chunks of the day.

Research shows that overthinking actually leads to unhappiness. The intention is to gain personal insight but there comes a point where we head down a pessimistic path of thinking that can even become quite distorted. The first step is to identify that it’s happening, which can be difficult to do as observing oneself is fraught with bias. And once we've identified it, we need to redirect our thoughts to the positive. For those with an optimistic tendency, we can use that gift to look for the silver lining.

A tactic I use with my children is distraction. I believe it to be highly effective when a child is overwhelmed by emotion. Once I've comforted her and she continues to be overwhelmed, I then make use of distraction. I ask her about something fun that happened at school or something she’s looking forward to. Sometimes I ask a question I know she’ll be interested in, that she probably hasn't considered. Something like whether our cat likes to chase lizards. Don’t get me wrong, although I’m not a fan of drama, I have no issue with emotional expression. Sometimes they just get overwhelmed in the moment and need to find their way out. If the lizard question didn't end the bawling, it’s more serious.

I’m going to try this tactic on myself the next time I start wondering if I’ll ever be able to live a normal life again. The silver lining of my health collapse is perhaps something about the revelation that my job was harmful for me and perseverance was not the answer. That’s fine and understood. But I can’t keep thinking that thought over and over. I need to employ the distraction tactic and to be truthful I find writing this blog to be a great help. It’s an opportunity to structure and formulate thoughts on how to adjust my life for the better. It helps me focus on a positive future and distracts me so that I don’t become overwhelmed by despair.


Thursday 19 March 2015

Best Possible Future Self

I have always been a goal-driven person and instead of New Year’s resolutions, I've set goals. I pulled out an old journal in which I wrote them down and had quite a bit of fun reading about myself twelve years ago.


In 2003 I set goals in the following categories: financial, professional, physical, relationships, spiritual, home, knowledge development. Most of the goals in the list are completed, things like ‘pay off house in five years’ and ‘gain a new skill’. But some are still so elusive ‘run 5 km in less than 25 minutes’. I also have a page where I wrote criteria for the ‘Perfect Life’. By age 34 I had accomplished all the things on this list - I had a loving husband, a healthy baby girl, professional success, overseas travel annually, strong relationships and a healthy fit body.

So I’m asking myself what went wrong between age 34 and 40 ? The past six years have seen a decline in my health so much so that I can’t work for several months. The introduction of kids into my life has some relevance for sure. Many busy mothers reading this will understand the strain that children introduce into your life. A lot of joy, which is well worth the strain, but they nevertheless contributed to my health decline - because I let it happen.

Two things that are evident by what I've written in this journal is that I didn't manage to get on top of my stress and that I, even in 2003, aspired to have writing in my life. There is mention, even before kids of more time for myself. I did not make the time and space back then for me and how much was that exacerbated by the introduction of needy little people who literally suck from your body! I didn't prioritise myself then and that was a big mistake.

In working on my goals in the past few years, I engaged a coach who is really great. She mostly works with working women and focusses on confidence and the ability to cope with the dual pressures of motherhood and career aspirations. She has a wonderful technique called a Vision Board where you literally make a collage of the things you aspire to. It can be electronic or physical and you should look at it daily. This encourages your brain to keep a look out for opportunities on the path towards these goals.

Visualisation is used by many professional sports people. They train their brains to live the visual image of success and thereby making it attainable. I remember reading about it when I was much younger and creating a mini collage of the things I wanted. The amazing thing is that I have achieved all of the things I included. I had an image of a jogger husband pushing a baby in a pram – check. I had a picture of a fit lady in the gym – check. I had a picture of a baby girl – check. I am now quite frightened by their power and am throwing away the pictures of babies as I certainly can’t handle another one in my depleted state!

The interesting thing is that I cut out those pictures and put them in a journal in my bottom drawer – and yet all of them were achieved. How interesting that the mere process of consciously choosing them and being clear about what I wanted had such an impact.

I’m still (yes, still) reading The How of Happiness by Sonja Lyubomirsky. A happiness-inducing  strategy that strongly appeals to me is that of formulating the ‘Best Possible Future Self’. She proposes spending twenty minutes on writing about your best possible future self. What will you have, and be, and do in the future?

I have done this exercise and not only is it a proven happiness booster but how empowering! It helps us clearly articulate what we really want and makes us think about what we need to do now in order to be that future self.

If this appeals to you, I’d highly recommend the activity. Have you articulated, in text or images, what you really want? How can God or the Universe or whatever you believe in, respond, if you don’t ask? Put it out there. What’s the worst that could happen?

Tuesday 17 March 2015

Self-Care Roster

In my last post I was a misery and I won’t apologise for it because that’s reality. I’m done trying to please everyone and be something everyone expects me to be. Yes, I get down, and it will happen again. 

The way I usually approach something that needs to be fixed, like my health, is to have a plan. I feel empowered when I take action so I've come up with a Self-Care Roster. Starting yesterday, I decided to do a few things daily and some things weekly or monthly etc. I know it doesn't sound earth shattering but I have to DO something.

I've set myself a limit of five outings a week, excluding the school run. This ensures that I don’t overdo things and is worked into the roster. My self-care roster has four categories:
  • Grooming:  Haircuts, manicures etc. This helps reinforce in my mind the importance of looking after myself.
  • Responsibility: Medical check-ups for myself and my kids such as dentist, mammogram etc.
  • Healing: Much needed care in my current state, including things like reflexology, Body Stress Release etc.
  • Growth & Fun: Reading, writing, savouring, gratitude and knitting.

Reading is a way for me to grow myself and also helps me feel that I’m moving forward. I need to consume a lot of books as my list is really long. The more I read, the more material I have for a future book and my blog. I see it as research and it is not taxing.

Writing my blog helps me express myself. As an introvert and a people-pleaser I often bite my tongue on things I’m thinking. I don’t freely express my opinion for fear of retribution, appearing foolish or stimulating a debate I don’t want to have. So this is a way for me to express myself regularly and practise writing, thereby improving myself.  

Some happiness experts recommend thinking about our happiest moments and days, be it remembering the day our child was born, our wedding day, being accepted into university or just a great day with family. This is the savouring activity which I plan to do daily for a week. I’m planning to look through my wedding album and the many photos we took of our children as babies.

Gratitude is a well-known happiness-enhancer. David Steindl-Rast, in his wonderful TED talktalks about how gratitude can change the way we behave. If we are grateful, we don’t hate or envy others, we don’t abuse or hurt people.  In order to make the most of opportunities that come our way, we need to stop and listen and then grab them when they come along. 

I think I’m naturally a grateful person and I often count my blessings. Something we do each night is to look at our sleeping girls and marvel at the miracle of them. No matter what kind of crazy they unleash in the day, they look so peaceful and angelic while sleeping. This is probably also savouring but also includes a degree of gratitude.

The knitting is a way for me to create something and I’m helping people at the same time. Our school has a project where the teddy bears are given to children on the night they are removed from their abusive families. It is the first thing of their new life. I’m knitting because I find it relaxing and I’m helping someone, which is aligned to my personal values.  Tony Robbins and many other influencers of personal growth, cite Contribution as a meaningful endeavour to enrich your life.


I have quite a few ideas around the healing activities that I’d like to explore but that’s perhaps for another blog post. Included in this is Nia as a contributor to wellness but I’m not up to it physically right now. The weekend illness taught me that. So I do what I can and I battle the despair with goal-setting.


Monday 16 March 2015

Wallowing and Wondering

For someone with a naturally optimistic tendency and writing a blog about optimising happiness at work and in your life, I’m off track today. I’m wallowing in misery. As mentioned on the weekend I have a bad cold and am feeling awful. Feeling physically awful also tends to make you feel sorry for yourself. It started me thinking about just how often I catch a cold. During winter it’s about two per month. That means that I’m losing half of every month. With such a weak immune system, I’m likely to pick up every dangerous bug that lurks in the mucous of small children. And it hits me hard.

When kids get sick, their mother has to look after them no matter how near death I feel. I put my self-care on hold (as usual), and scurry around making them juice, giving medication and making them feel loved and comforted. How much I yearn for some matriarch to emerge from a mystical mountain, bossing around my family and telling them I’m not to get out of bed under any circumstances. I’ll call her Panacea, the goddess of Universal remedy in Greek mythology. Panacea, I’m open to anything – just bring it. If the silver bullet is that four letter word ‘Rest’, then just use the bullet for its intended purpose and put me out of my misery.  


I have a feeling some people think I’m just putting it on, or it’s in my head. I’m no stranger to mind over matter. You can’t run almost 90 km in one day and not have a strong mind. The trouble is I have been suppressing what my body has been telling me for so long that I've lost touch. I can’t tell when I’m overdoing it or about to overdo it. I thought I was getting better at that but I don’t trust myself anymore. How can I make any plans? I want to experience things in order to write about them. I want to set up meetings and appointments every day so that I’m stimulated, growing and finding my flow. I've understood that I shouldn't have persevered so long in a job I dislike. I get it. I've understood that I need to find something I love to do, and I've understood that I need a respite during my day. What more do I have to learn? And for how much longer must I recover?

I’m trying to have some fun in my days and evenings but it may even compromise recovery. I’m not sure I can just focus on healing and recovering. Elizabeth Gilbert talks about owning a creative mind being like having a Border Collie for a pet. You need to give it work or it will find its own work and you might not like what it does. How can I be expected to hang around the house, waiting and RESTING. I feel trapped and stuck. I’m unable to hope for and plan for a future when leaving the house is hard.

Yes, I know, it’s temporary and I’ll feel better soon. But some days are just like that and I’m not going to pretend it’s easy. I want to move forward. I want to make progress. I’m reading about gratitude and enjoying the moment, finding flow activities. But how can I do that if I’m feeling so awful? Without your health, life is very difficult. We don’t value it nearly enough until it’s compromised.  

I often don’t want to publish anything when I’m feeling down. I have a tendency to wait until I’m feeling better again, edit and publish, of course with a positive ending. But that’s not so honest. We all have days where we just feel stuck. I’m impatient,  I want to get on with my life. When will I be able to go out and see clients all day and have enough energy to play with my kids? Is that so unrealistic?


Saturday 14 March 2015

External sources of Happiness

Many people focus on external elements when it comes to finding happiness. Some people think that if they only had that house, that boyfriend, that job, they would be happy. It’s not true. Happiness does not come from outside, it is found within.

According to the research done by Sonja Lyubomirsky in her book The How of Happiness, we all have a set point of happiness, a default state if you wish. External circumstances and life events cause this state to increase or decrease but it is only temporary. We seem to settle back to our former happiness level. I have encountered, and I’m sure you have too, those people who seem to dampen everything. There are also those optimists who seem to bounce back from difficult life circumstances so quickly and effortlessly. I’m most definitely an optimist and closer to the second type. I tend to think that every situation, good or bad, has a lesson if you look hard enough.

I have found in the last few years, as my health declined, that my mood was less optimistic and happy. I thought it was being the mother of small children and only recently did I realise that might not be the case. Some of the symptoms of Graves’ disease are anxiety and depression. As a child I was referred to as ‘highly strung’, a term which I haven’t heard used in a while but I've always been quite anxious. So I just thought I was stressed. The good news is that once I’m well, I can return to my previous state of optimisim.

My youngest has been sleeping well for a while, aside from the odd nightmare or not being well. I realised when I saw other mothers with three children (I only have two) seeming to cope well. Perhaps they were faking it but I couldn't help wonder that I didn't seem to be coping as well. Only recently, have I realised that it is a combination of things that has caused my health decline.  The primary reason was that I was doing work I didn't enjoy for a really long time, swimming against the current. I also had no opportunity to replenish lost energy during the day. Being a mother to small children leaves little opportunity to care for yourself.

I've learned that I have to put aside time for recovery in the day, even once I’m well. Sometimes I even have to fight for it, which is not so easy in my current condition and being a conflict-avoider and a people-pleaser. If I don’t stand my ground, however, I’ll be this sick forever and possibly worse.


This week I completely overdid it - too many meetings and appointments. Some of them were important as they were for handing over my work to others so that I can recover properly. Now I’m facing the consequences of pushing too hard in that I have a bad cold. My immune system is really weak and I am highly susceptible to the slightest virus. It is a very delicate balancing act at the moment. This week I also started exercising again – just three walks. I think that, in combination with the meetings, has set me back. 

I find it enormously frustrating not being able to do what other people can do. I have to budget my energy. I plan ahead to make sure I only have one or two outings a day and I save my energy for that. But that makes it difficult for people to understand how much I’m struggling. They see the few strong hours of my day. My family sees me sleeping on my bed in recovery for hours afterwards.

I’m aware that happiness is not found outside me. I know that I have to work hard to create a life that I want. My family is happy and wonderful, I love my home and my friends. I need to single-mindedly focus on getting well and attack it like a project so that I can apply energy to my new career path and gain the fulfilment that lies ahead. 

Wednesday 11 March 2015

Alignment of work and values

In doing the values exercise last year while reading Tony Robbin’s Awaken the Giant Within, I kept asking myself “What would life be like without x?”, replacing x with family, my health, running, work, achievement, money etc. That question helped me discover my top three values:
  1. Love (Family and Friends)
  2. Health & Vitality
  3. Helping People

My health has not been so great for a few years, and in the last six months it has really deteriorated to the point where I can’t function properly. I can’t do a full work day and I tire very easily. This is troublesome for me as I like to accomplish a lot. Achievement was a close fourth place but pure achievement without meaning or without my health or my loved ones is not worthwhile, however. Values do change over the course of your life and I’m certain that love and family were not top when I was in my 20s! It is useful to do the values exercise at various points of your life. 

Actively ensuring that my values are well-supported by my lifestyle and my job means making some changes. My future career needs to ensure that I have enough flexibility to fetch kids and do homework in the afternoons, even if for an hour. In the past, I can’t recall any project or deliverable that is of any significance in relation to the joy I've received from my kids. Projecting that forward, helping my kids learn to read is of great significance and I don’t want to miss it.

For married people, I highly recommend Gary Chapman's The 5 Love Languages. It helped me to understand my husband’s love language and to communicate mine, helping us to keep both love tanks full. Friendships also need work and there are some in my life that I have not nurtured properly but at least I’m now aware and can work on them. I keep reminding myself that relationships are a great source of happiness and they endure much more than deliverables or projects at work. Value number one work-in-progress.

My focus in the next few months is to get well and be able to function properly. This means that I've had to retreat to home to recover and I’m actively taking steps to farm out my work responsibilities. This has a dual purpose. Not only will I stop doing the work that drains me and breaks my spirit, but I will be able to fully rest in order to recover. Once I’m well, my ideal day would include running, friends, work and writing. I need some time on my own and some time with people. I need flexibility to fit in running, homework and caring for myself. I will not embark on any endeavour that I don’t love or that only pleases someone else. Value number two, work-in-progress.

I love helping people. As much as I need recovery now and I’m trying not to have any meetings, I took a solution to a client today that really helps her. We automated something she spends hours on and we reduced the risk of errors. Hearing her say ‘thank you’ was well worth the strain I underwent to deliver to her. I am certain that my future career needs to help people, be it consulting to solve a problem or automate something manual, or to inspire people to change their lives for the better. Value number three, work-in-progress.


I strongly believe that any work that is not aligned to your values is not sustainable. I didn't listen to my body’s warnings that my job was causing me harm. But now I’m listening and I’m making the changes I’m able to make at this time. Have you identified your top three values and whether or not your work is aligned?


Tuesday 10 March 2015

What makes you mad?

A few of the articles and blog posts I've read recommend that you notice when you're getting mad. What accomplishments, jobs or activities of other people get you riled up? The emotion might also be envy. I gave it a lot of thought and I discovered I had experienced these emotions in two areas.

Firstly, those yoga moms who saunter out of their Porsche Cayenne, dripping with jewellery and looking awfully smug. I remember when I was on leave, getting very irritated when I did yoga at 9:30 am and seeing a mom from school in the class. It’s not that I wish I were not working, because I know that I have to work to remain sane. It’s more that they have freedom to look after themselves and there is still enough money to support a family. I've sacrificed a great deal of earnings over the past five years in order to run the business. Not only did I spend all day doing what I didn't enjoy, but I had no time for myself. Being unhappy with my routine of getting kids to school and feeling that I had to be at the office ‘just in case’, caused me to resent the people who have the flexibility for a mid-morning yoga class.

In the past few months, I have had the personal insight that I’d prefer to have flexible time and not be desk-bound all day. I’d gladly take a pay cut to enjoy more flexible hours and be able to spend some time looking after myself and helping my kids. I now have a healthy respect for those who have organised their schedules in such a way to bring in money but also enjoy life. There are those who work a four day week or those who work for a few hours in the morning and spend time with their kids in the afternoons. How have you arranged your working life around your needs?


The second thing that stirred up emotion for me was those who have written books. One that comes to mind is a friend who published a book in 2013. I most definitely was not mad because he’s truly a valuable person with much insight to offer. I wish him all the success with the book, the proceeds of which he even gives to charity. Not to mention the fact that we were featured in the book for our financial savvy! But I did feel envious when the book got published and remember wishing that I could publish a book.

I went to a seminar about six months ago and the very flashy presenter with tight pants and a shimmering smile spoke of ‘writing’ his book. He quite openly admitted that it was too much trouble to actually write the book and he had outsourced it.  At that moment, my dream diminished substantially. Nevertheless, I have not let go of that dream to write a book myself, with my own special flavour and style, that at least my friends will read.

I have spoken about the process of finding your passion and not to worry too much about monetising it initially. At first I wondered why you would write and publish something for someone else. It’s as hard as being a surrogate mother. But I suppose it’s not that strange that people are ghost writers since it’s a method of turning writing into revenue, which you cannot fault anyone for doing.

I previously did consulting work and do still enjoy putting together the documentation. For some, it is torture and they’d outsource it gladly. For me, it is the real joy of structuring solutions and making recommendations from a broad range of inputs. Another insight is that I'd like to include writing in my future career. Writing a book may end up being a personal goal or a hobby if you wish, but that’s fine too. The process of writing brings flow to my day and that's what I need. 

Sunday 8 March 2015

Initial research around 'How To Find Your Passion'

Some say passion is not something you can ‘find’. It’s not a noun and it’s not hiding somewhere to be discovered. I’m not sure I agree. Some people advocate waiting for your passion to find you. I disagree. I think that in the act of looking, you are more open to things that you may not have noticed before. In my search, I’m forging new relationships, meeting new people, discovering new fields of interest which could lead me to my career or life passion. 

I’m a pretty practical person and I do find this journey I’m on to be quite difficult. Spending time just focussing on healing, is rather frustrating for me since I’m an action-oriented problem solver. I find it hard to wait it out without taking action. So I've been reading up on what other people have written on the method of finding one’s passion. I've included some themes and have referenced the blogs I found most relevant for me.

Identify your talents, things you love, things you dream about, careers you thought you’d do when you were a kid. Think about things that make you feel connected to a purpose or a vision. Figure out when you’re in flow or when you used to be, if you have lost touch like I have. Some triggers could be asking yourself what you would do if you had infinite money; or thinking about what dreams you have given up on. Identify the themes in your life and your limiting beliefs. What are you telling yourself that you’ll never be or do?

Another way of looking at this is thinking about your legacy. I was once asked in a job interview what will be written on my tombstone. I didn't answer the question well, but it is a worthwhile exercise thinking about how we want to be remembered. Are you being true to your talents and your integrity?

Brainstorm around what you could do and try to suspend judgment initially. Don’t try to think about the competitive landscape or how you’d monetize it straight away. Doing this might discount something that could lead to a much happier existence. Some people find it useful to write down what other people say they are good at. However, don’t exclude anything that you’re not yet good at because it is possible to learn new skills in your area of passion.

Appreciate your uniqueness, what makes you special. Remember that each of us have something new to bring and recognise that not everyone thinks like you do. Appreciating yourself often opens your eyes to what you love and can help in the brainstorming process.

Slow down and do things like meditation and enjoying the silence. Enjoy the process and the questions – don’t rush. Chances are if you’re feeling in a state of flux, you’re not in the best position to make good decisions. Slowing things down also helps us listen to new opportunities that come our way. They are hard to grab onto if we’re not paying attention. Admittedly, I find this quite difficult but I have even downloaded an app to help me with meditation.

Clear the clutter - literally rid your cupboards of clutter and make space for the new. Learn to say no to things you don’t like, or want. Also consider clearing out emotional baggage by asking yourself what you need to let go of (guilt, anger, resentment). This may also be a time to terminate toxic relationships. Who in your life is hurting you so much that life is better without them? You can choose who you have in your life.

Sample some of the things you've identified as options. This may mean signing up for courses, starting a new hobby or reconnecting with one you've stopped. You could join volunteer groups, attend seminars or read books in your area of interest. Do some research and find out what people are doing. Pay attention to whether you’re still enjoying it as much as you’d hoped to, and make sure you’re having fun. This might be a time to filter things out of your list or focus on one or two.

Interview people who are doing what you've identified as a possible option. Ask about pitfalls and highlights, and find out how they make money from their talent. You can also seek out mentors and find people to support you on the journey of discovery. Change is easier when you surround yourself with people who believe in you.

An aspect of running a business that I really enjoyed was Marketing. I had a lot of fun experimenting with various media and cultivating a brand for our business. From the business not having a website when I joined, I carved out a unique brand with some beautiful elements (created by some very talented people).

In this process, I started to realise that I might become the face of debit order transactions. I could have pushed in that direction and positioned myself as the expert if I applied myself. But I deliberately didn't do that because I really didn't want to be known as that expert. Nothing against anyone who does, but it is not my passion and I was uncomfortable with the thought. Douglas Kruger wrote a solid guide to positioning yourself as an industry expert in Own Your Industry.  The more I read about it, the more uncomfortable I became. That helped me realise that I was indeed on the wrong path. I’d rather be remembered being a champion for loving your work, than one of debits.

I believe my future is connected with writing and spreading the philosophy of working in flow. I have about 25 to 30 years left of my career, hopefully. I can’t imagine devoting that level of effort and time to something I don’t enjoy. There are far too many people drudging through jobs they hate and spending decades looking forward to retirement. Why not construct your life around what you love so that you savour each day and stop wishing for some future that might not be there?

References

Saturday 7 March 2015

When are you in Flow?

One of the most meaningful books I've read is Flow by Mihaly Csikszentmilalyi. He conducted research in countries all over the world to understand the concept of people being in ‘flow’ – a state ‘in which a person performing an activity is fully immersed in a feeling of energized focus, full involvement, and enjoyment in the process of the activity’. 
He identifies elements of enjoyment to be:

·         Intense and focused concentration on the present moment
·         Deep but effortless involvement that is all-consuming
·         We have a chance of completing the task
·         The task has clear goals
·         We receive immediate feedback
·         We can exercise control over actions
·         Concern for self disappears but emerges stronger afterwards
·         Sense of duration of time is altered – time flies or time stands still

In my personal life, I've been able to achieve flow through running. The contribution to my life in the past ten years has been substantial. The feeling of being fit enough to run an ultra-marathon is amazing. When you’re running ‘in the zone’ as many call it, all of the above criteria are fulfilled.


It really has nothing to do with flow but probably the best part of running for me is the camaraderie. I’m not a particularly fast runner but I’m able to persevere through long distance. My favourite times were the morning training runs with the girls: the laughter, the bonding and enjoying mutual progress towards our individual goals. The duel effect of being able to discuss your troubles and share ideas while releasing endorphins, has the ability to bring down cortisol levels. I have indeed missed running and today I took a slow walk as I’m allowed to start exercising again. I am deeply concerned that I’ll never be able to do an ultra-marathon again, given my health condition and the fact that the training puts a lot of strain on the body. But I am at least improving and being able to exercise is a great blessing.

Although I have experienced flow early in my career, my Managing Director role offered none whatsoever. Looking at the elements of enjoyment, things that stands out for me is that we have a chance of completing the task and that receiving immediate feedback. Building a business is very slow and there is not really an end. Many factors are outside your control and even though you set targets, there are so many factors that can interfere with your efforts. I’m not known for my patience and enduring five years of struggle for a business to turn around is really too long for me.

Did you notice how flow includes being in the present moment and intense concentration? Being able to concentrate fully is important and that can be hard to achieve in an open-plan office environment, especially for an introvert. I wonder how much our working environment supports us being in flow, and being able to deliver the best outcomes we are cable of.

I believe it to be really worthwhile to find flow in our work. Many people have found their passion and engineered their lives to make a living out of it. For some it may happen by chance but for others, it is a calculated effort. I’m most fascinated by those who have made a radical change of industry or role. I’d love to write a book about the journey of finding a career passion and am really interested in the stories of those who have travelled this path.

I’m reading The How of Happiness by Sonja Lyubomirsky at the moment and the first chapter includes the revelation that of our happiness, 40% can be influence by us. The author is almost snobbish about ‘anecdotal’ books on finding happiness but the good news is that the metrics in her book are based on empirical studies and scientific research. If our disposition is fixed and our circumstances cannot be fully controlled, at least the remaining 40% can be influenced by our own thoughts and actions. That is tremendously empowering. How much effort are you making to improve the quality of your life and to centre your work around flow experiences?

Passengers on the journey

Passengers on the journey